astral

[ rani ]  galaxies can't compare to the stars in your eyes.

[smerraldo]

if i,  just pour it all out if i, put to paper my thoughts if i,  write it all down then perhaps,  someone will understand, will love, could connect my feelings with their own. perhaps.

oct.toffee

[smerraldo]

it hurts so much, being alive. so, so much. the weight of every single day builds, and builds, and builds, and now i am being crushed and i cannot breathe. it hurts so much, and i have no idea what to do. 

[smerraldo]

we are all alone.

[smerraldo]

falling in. 

[smerraldo]

touch.

the itch begins under your skin, almost not there. something feels different, and you can feel it. there's a slight sensation ghosting under your skin, there but also not there. at random times, you'll feel it's rake, and other than that, it's like it was never there.

your eyes are darting, they can't seem to focus on what you want them to. you push on, do what you need to be doing.

tap, tap, tap.

tap, tap, tap.

you finish reading the material, and go to pull out your notebook, and notice, startlingly, that you were the one tapping incessantly.

you pull out your notebook, and flip to the last entry, glance back at the article, and begin to take notes.

it's tedious. your mind strays. hands wring, leg begins vibrating. you lean back, lean forward. shift in place, cross legs, uncross legs. crack your knuckles, curl your fist, uncurl your fist.

nothing does it, and this will not do. so you get up, and suddenly all you feel, all you notice, is the cold. the air is too empty, the air is too stale. you're cold and alone, and the itch in your body grows and in a fraction of a second consumes you totally, entirely.

it crawls all over, and settles in your heart in a deep, prolonged longing for warmth. your face falls slightly, and you may have sighed softly. it's too cold, and you wish you had something, someone, anyone, anything, right at that exact moment to wrap your arms around and embrace, to sigh into, to let yourself go. something warm, someone warm, to take away this awful chill.

but you're alone.

there's nowhere warm, there's no one warm. the chill intensifies, and crawls back down your body, under your skin in the most sad, resigned manner. after all, there's nothing that can be done.

the chills, the itch, they never do go away. they sit on you, and grow bigger and bigger and bigger. every meaningless touch lingers on your skin, burning and demanding, filling you with yearning for more and more and more that you're not allowed to have, that you're not allowed to want. it never stops, so you learn to gather it, and pack into nice little boxes, each unlabeled and big and unwieldy, and pack them away into a closet you resign to keep closed and out of sight, so you can stay, so you can be who you're supposed to be, so you can do the things you're supposed to do, so you can be. and the chills, the itches, they cannot be contained like they. they slither out like snakes from their dens, and crawl back in under your skin at the most inconvenient times, and you learn to deal with them.

this is how you learn to be.

[smerraldo]

everyone says don’t be afraid! just make new friends and talk with them and im like...how do u do that........if i successfully hold a conversation with someone it’s my little victory for the entire day wym talk with multiple people 

[smerraldo]

distance grows exponentially when the only contact is through a screen, and the heart always yearns for more, more, more. humans need touch to survive, we yearn for physical closeness as a form of comfort. but what becomes of the one who cannot obtain such simple comfort? what becomes of the one who is unable to seek it, unable to receive it, unable to give it? what becomes of such a human deprived of a lesser-known, but just as equally important need? such an ignorant one such as i would not know, what exactly becomes of them, but i imagine one so deprived would shrivel up, just an infinitesimal amount, with each and every day that passes. unknown to the world, they become smaller and smaller, knowing of their loneliness and knowing of their need, but unknowing of their changing state, until the pain becomes unbearable and they open their eyes, really opening their eyes in a long time, and they look down at their hands and feet, and look at their face, and only see a small, gaunt, pitiful reflection. they are hollow, deprived, sad, and oh so, so sad. 'we only wanted to live, how did we end up like this?' they will say, as they see the reality of their existence. they suffer, and suffer in silence, all while knowing what has become of them, and knowing what will become of them, shriveling smaller and smaller, day by day, until one day they are gone, gone! like a gust of wind that suddenly died, gone! like a vase you notice missing when you had never really looked at it before, gone! gone, gone forever.

comfort \ moonchild 

[smerraldo]

You ever feel like there's absolutely no reason for your existence? All you ever do is be miserable and make people cry. Always fucking them over

[smerraldo]

Sometimes, I imagine what feel like to be truly cherished and loved by a lover. How it would feel like to have someone

Love

the way I love the things I'm passionate about

Love

my loyalty and unshakable belief in my dear ones

Love

my gentleness toward delicate affairs and soft spoken nature

Love

despite my temper that runs swift and cold

Love

despite the permanent sadness that has made a home in my heart

Love

despite my hand that shakes when talking to people

I think about what it would be liketo have someone love

me

my flaws and and my strengths

to love me

in my entirety.

to be loved \\ moonchild

[smerraldo]

i’m so afraid - 

what if i no one were to accept me? how would i know to trust someone else enough to trust them? it’s quite the corundum

[smerraldo]

sometimes, it’s the little things that are self-destructive  —

drinking coffee when you know it makes your stomach hurt like hell; ignoring friends’ messages even when you know you’re gonna feel bad after; spending out of budget even though you know it’s gonna be hard to cover later; driving recklessly even when you know better than to because you can’t care anymore;

—  be careful of these, and take care of yourself.  

[smerraldo]

all i want is for someone to hold me

[smerraldo]

i lose hope when i give and i give  only to receive nothing i lose hope when i try and i try  only to fail i lose hope when i speak and i speak  only to be ignored who wouldn't lose hope?  but every time it happens, it wears me down like the waves crashing eating away at a rock i too, am being worn away --only i am soft, so soft softer than a rock and soon enough there will be nothing  where i once was

moonchild

[laclefdescoeurs]

[labella-instagram]

[haiziness]

[devilands]