Starting Over Is Never Easy.. @smiling-withoutyou-blog - Tumblr Blog

May 15, 2017

Here we go again. I’m writing. Like I said I would but this time was “eventually” finally deciding to kick in.

It’s been a while. 4 months to be exact. Been through a lot. Depression. Arguments. Fights. Makeups. And Reconciliations.. I guess.. I did a lot of thinking, mostly alone and with my “thoughts.” I always said to myself if I ever fell rock bottom again I would at least try to do something to ease the pain. It worked, for a while.

Jan 30, 2017

Nights only get worse when I sleep with someone I love but still feels lonely..

#nocuddles #nokisses #noromance

Jan 15, 2017

The Wish Jar

Since I couldn’t start writing like I said I would, I figured I would start with this. The Wish Jar is somewhat therapeutic to where my mind isn’t blowing up or I say things I don’t necessarily mean or taken the wrong way. I write these “wishes” as a way of Hope. Hoping something would change. Hoping I could possibly see something different in certain situations. Family, Work, Relationships, Friendships even. I just hope for the best but for now, I write these “wishes”, put them in a jar, and wait.

Welcome back

A month has gone by. I’m still dealing with the pain and I’m learning to control my thoughts a lot better. I’m just mentally jumbled up.

Nov. 27, 2016 (just a thought)

My name’s Mei. I’m 25 and I’m a part time student trying to get through life’s full time challenges. A month ago, I found out that my current boyfriend of almost a year had been sending flirtatious messages to random women he had found attractive throughout the time he and I had been together. Why? I don’t know. How I found out is based on intuition and gut feelings that I’ve always trusted and followed. I followed it to the point where I had found a couple of messages to a whole list which unraveled the truth about our relationship. Whether if I should trust my boyfriend again or not, I don’t know yet.

I confronted him about it and he denied telling me the truth when it was all written out in messages. They weren’t sexual, but seductive. Sweet, and full of compliments; every name he had given me, he had given to them. He kept denying me the truth whether if he had cheated on me or not, but I already knew what it was; an escape. Throughout this month, I thought about what he had done and reminded him of it and what he did to destroy us. To anyone outside of my point of view would call me crazy, but someone who could relate would understand that after the foundation of Trust is broken, there’s no way in healing it the way it was before but to alter it in the way it is now. And hope everything still stands in the balance.

July 10, 2016

Don’t expect things to go back to normal. Whether if you’re broken up with someone or you got into a fight with your significant other, because the thought of what caused the argument will always be there. Not often, but it will still be in the person’s mind.

If you’ve broken up with someone, go with the flow and hope for the best. Don’t expect things will go to normal

Sept. 13, 2016

We’ve broken up. I get that. But we also don’t want to let go what we’ve already built. We don’t want to let go of our friendship when there is no romance. I’m not begging to keep you around if you don’t want to be. If you are, it’s because you stayed for yourself. I'm going to be mature about this. I'll be civil with the situation. Because we're in our own relationships, I'll stay friends with you. But we'll aways have unfinished business..

I'm mature enough to say that we're friends and we can stay friends, but I'm also strong enough to turn my back away from you and move on despite of our friendship..

What do you really want? to move on with your new girlfriend in your life and leave me behind, or to leave her behind knowing that I won't come back into your life like I first did..

Sept. 10, 2016

I don't know whether if I've finally let go or I'm still in the process, or I've accepted that I've let go..

Sept. 10, 2016

Just another day, I guess.. I feel a lot better these days. Your birthday just passed and I got you too many things, and all I got from you was a gift card to starbucks. oh well.. I always had a bigger heart than you did.

I really shouldn’t be competing for you. But I can’t help a challenge, especially when your new girlfriend is making you choose between friends and relationships. I know I showed you better than to be given an ultimatum..

Sept. 3, 2016

I need to learn to let go of things I can’t change. I know I’ve said this a million times but it never seemed to work before. I’m just hoping that now something will change. I need to learn to live without certain people and not depend on them either. I need to know how to understand myself in certain aspects rather than taking one step at a time in the moment. I need to start thinking about myself. Be selfish. Be rude. Be kind. Be something people never thought I would be. But importantly, I need to defend myself.

Aug. 12, 2016

I finally got my hair cut to as short as I could get it. Short enough it wouldn’t get untamed, but not too short where it seemed I was still holding on to something. Some people asked why I did it. Only 1 person knew. She knew if I made a drastic change like this was because of something that used to be close to me wasn’t anymore. She picked at my relationship with Brandon. I had let go and moved on. I had to let go. And I had a lot of memories in those strands that shouldn’t have stayed for a while.

I planned to get it cut before I left Orlando, or I was going to get it cut while I was in Orlando but I didn’t have time and I didn’t feel like looking for a stylist out there. So I waited and held on for a little bit longer. I thought about doing this for a long time but I never had the chance to do it myself. Eric had always told me to get it cut but only because he wanted to see me in short hair, not because of anything else. I wanted to do this for myself, which I did. I wasn’t doing it because of any relationship, I was doing it for a change. I wanted to change. I needed to change and I needed to be strong about it.

Aug. 5, 2016

So far, so good. I’m starting to feel the part where I don’t feel much for Brandon and appreciating Eric a lot more than he deserves. I’ve started to feel uncomfortable after the trip to Myrtle Beach with Brandon when he told me that he never mentioned on going to the trip with me and didn’t have the heart to deal with the outcome whether if she would accept it or not. If I was able to do that with Eric and not give a damn, why couldn’t he? What else had he been hiding from me when he and I were together? What else should I have known? But that doesn’t matter anymore and it’s in someone else’s hands now to deal with him. I just couldn’t believe he didn’t have the heart to tell her the truth.. I can’t go back and be friends with someone who could do that regardless whether if I’ve done it or not. I’ve done my dues and I’ve paid the cost.

I just feel a lot better with him now, knowing he’s that type of person in a relationship in a different set of eyes.

Thank You.

Aug. 1, 2016 part 2

After what happened Friday, I started to feel less and less for Brandon, like I’ve finally set him free and let him do his own thing. I was working this weekend so we didn’t talk much and I didn’t see him at all. I was relieved. Eric kept me busy as always and I was happy. It’s finally time to give Eric what he really deserves and hope for the best.

Aug. 1, 2016

Brandon and I took our last trip together. We skipped work on Friday and went to Myrtle Beach. I didn’t think that it would turn out the way it did; no fighting, no arguing. For once in a long time, we got along. The 2-hour drive was bad but we got to talking stuff other than work. I got more into his relationship with his new “relationship” than he did with mine. It just shows that he’s still welcome into my life with open arms, but at the same time, he’s treading on glass in case it reopened old arguments. But we communicated and it felt nice. Probably not on his end though.

He had mentioned before he had threw away some old shirts and needed to buy new ones, so we went to Coastal Grande to do some shopping while I was looking for Eric’s suit. I did Brandon a favor and paid for him. That would have been the last time I’d buy him gifts. We had lunch together and that would have been the last time he offered to pay for my food. And we left the mall, and I knew this would have been the last time he and I would ever spend together. But at the same time, I was relieved to let some stress off of my shoulders.

Throughout our time together for a day, I started to look at him as a friend rather than an ex and I noticed a few things about him that I started to see a lot more than I would as a girlfriend. He has a new “relationship” and he looked happy and hopeful. He said they had a few things in common; no race preference, like the same food, military background (even though he had never enrolled). I just looked at him with concern but it was none of mine anymore. I just didn’t care, but as long as he was happy, I’m happy. He and I are still friends; good friends. No longer more, but not less. As we were leaving, he confessed he never mentioned to his S.O. that he was going to Myrtle Beach with me and that he didn’t have the heart to do it or to talk about it in fear of the results if he did. His loss of honesty, I guess. Now I started to look at him differently, but again, I didn’t care.

Throughout the drive back home, I had been thinking while he was on his phone like he had always been. I started to realize the small things he would do to avoid a conflict. I started to think of the small things he had done while he and I dated. Then I started to think maybe our breakup was for the best and all we could really be is friends. I got tired of thinking about it for a while and decided, this was our last trip together and to make it end on a better note. Everything we had been through together, gone. Everything we had talked about, over. Everything we had thought, done. I got my full closure. After that night, I wouldn’t talk to him as much as I wanted to. After that night, I would focus myself on Eric who needed me more than I needed him. It was over.

thingsmyxxxsaid

Things My Exes Said // #517 Submitted by Anon

4am thoughts..

Trending Blogs

Recently Viewed Blogs

Starting Over Is Never Easy..