when i figure out how to die without hurting my momās feelings itās over for me, bitches
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"I'm Dorothy Gale from Kansas"

#extradirty
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@smolblanket
when i figure out how to die without hurting my momās feelings itās over for me, bitches
the greatest plan in history
it takes me like 3 days to wake up in the morning
oh my god
fucking fandom references
WHAT FANDOM? THE JESUS FANDOM?
THEY PREFER THE TERM CHRISTIANITY
This is the post that killed me
This is the post that killed him.
IT GOT BETTER
A while back I heard my friend (male) insult another dude by saying, āYou look like the kind of guy who wouldnāt go to Wal-Mart to buy his girlfriend a box of tamponsā and I still think about that crowning insult sometimes
My dad once called another guy āsomeone who thinks loading the dishwasher once in a while makes him less of a manā
I like your dad already
Today a 27-year-old man I was taking care of in the hospital asked if I could help him get boosted up in his hospital bed because, and I quote,Ā āYou look strong.Ā Like, you look like you could take a motherfucker out.ā
That is the most flattering thing that a patient has ever said to me, and Iām counting the little old lady who told me my eyebrows were beautiful, and the very deaf old German man who yelled at me that I wasĀ āWONDERFUL!!! MADE BY GOD TO BE A NURSE!!!!!ā
just saw the words ādid rasputin do something problematic, i thought he was just russias greatest love machineā and that is just an incredible, incredible sentence. i want you to imagine explaining that to an early 20th century russian citizen. just fantastic.
Iām gonna apply for a job at Gordon Ramsay new restaurant and Iām gonna get it
I submitted my application and resume
I GOT THE FUCKING INTERVIEW
My interview is in a few hours. I got this but wish me luck
I GOT THE FUCKING JOB
reblog for good luck
whatās the mood⦠forĀ april?
probably my favorite thing abt being a millennial is that i can lie on my resume abt shit like being proficient in excel bc i have the common sense to just google anything i dont know how to do which gives me a giant fucking edge over gen x in the job market bc somehow that strategy never occurs to employers and my underqualified ass looks like steve jobs every time i use a youtube tutorial to make a spreadsheet
Everyone in my office sings my praises for what I can do with excel for this exact reason, even though I joke with them that āI have no idea how to do that - but give me half an hour and an internet connection and Iāll figure something out for you.ā I even once specifically said in response to my grandboss commenting on my excel skills, āYou do realize that I just likeā¦google stuff when you ask me to do something with excel that I donāt know how to do, right?ā
But his praise didnāt change at all. There was no āWait, thatās all it is?ā
Instead, he said āYes, but the fact that you think to do that - and that you know exactly how to phrase your searches and how to sift through the results to get the right answer, and you then integrate what youāve learned and use it going forward - is still so much more than any of the rest of us [the other 5 ppl on my team are all mid-40s and up] can do. To you, itās ājust googling stuff,ā but itās still a unique and valuable skill you bring, so donāt shrug off the compliments so cavalierly, okay?ā
And this was coming from an executive with an MBA. Donāt undervalue your googling skills, kids. Itās not lying if you know you can figure it out.
top tier search skills: finding the source of a rare meme
Alexa release the serotonin
Elephant Rock, Iceland
This is an old god, sleeping
he not asleep he just taking a long sip
take a fucking sip, mortals
Straight men who always joke about hating their girlfriend are so fucking weird like imagine having a girlfriend and not treasuring and loving her every day smh grow up
ātreasuringā and ālovingā your girlfriend will result in her quickly leave you. Girls HATE guys who treat them like goddesses. They view it as pathetic and weak.
I hate it when people say shit like this like we get it youāre an
when youāre watching your 514th vine compilation video and thereās a vine you havenāt seen before
please watch the whole thing im like crying laughing
Solomonās Shield is the name of the app
OMG Download this!!!! Stop Police Brutality!
Reblog to save lifeĀ
me: gosh i have so much work to do i better get started
my brain: you cannot
me: why
my brain: you are feeling moderately upset, any attempt at productivity is futile
me: i donāt see how-
my brain: cannot.
You know what absolutely boggles my mind? That healthy people exist. Genuinely healthy people. No mental illness, no physical illness, no chronic illness. Just healthy. What a life that must be.Ā
This fucks with my head though. There are people who get up and feel⦠Awake, and then they go and just⦠Do their adult responsibilities without feeling anxious or upset? They just return phonecalls? Answer calls from unknown numbers? Donāt procrastinate doing important things until is a huge problem that makes you cry??
That sounds fake.