lately i've come to accept that i share my brain with a faceless man that lives inside my head.
my brain feels halved and he has to be the glue that keeps them together, but in exchange, his voice needs to be louder than my own when i think to myself. that way, i can't hear myself. only his voice matters, even if he's really mean.
Coderre, that's what i've called him. he doesn't seem to mind it.
i wish i had someone nicer that lived in my head and talked to me. coderre's not very nice, but he's not cruel all the time. that's how troublesome it can get: one minute he will say anything to make me sink deeper into the pit of my mind and bedroom to never come out, and in the next, we're listening to a song together that makes me feel at ease.
though, it doesn't stop him from making me fidget at every single stomp and rattle of the walls, pressuring me to assume the house is going to fall down on me or someone's trying to break in and kill me.
i can't remember the last time i could hear myself think. when i assume it's a decision i'm making, it's actually Coderre choosing. i already know all his angry thoughts are his, but i do my best to not utter them into existence. they're just too evil. he wants to always do horrible things when he's mad. i think his blood boils enough to set mine alight. it hurts that i need to calm him down. my head feels like it's on fire and, without fail, i get tired and don't have the energy to do anything else.
he tells me to just go lay down, don't talk to anybody else today.
i tell him "okay."
i don't know what Coderre looks like. sometimes he's just faceless. other times he has too many faces.
Coderre is not helping, but sometimes i try my best to think of the times where he has. i can't think of them right now. i just want to go lie down and sleep.
sometimes it's nice to know i'm not really alone when i do my best to avoid every social interaction at work or outside. but i wish Coderre was nicer to have around.