So anyway
Having anxiety is so odd cause I logged on to be like "uhh might be taking an indefinite hiatus" and instead of just saying that I now feel the need to like write an overly long, overly personal post about what's going on as if anyone cares ๐ญ and then it's like if I say that no one cares it sounds like I'm attention seeking or baiting people into telling me that they do when in actuality I just have a fucked sense of self that I'm trying (and failing lmao) to work on.
Which brings us back to the hiatus funnily enough cause yup. I haven't even written anything new just a few lines of a few ideas I have cooking but fuck part of why I'm struggling to just sit down and go for it is cause I know I will want to post and just the idea of posting makes me wanna throw up now. I know I can't just write it and keep it to myself cause like that's not how I roll but the idea of posting as me and being seen as me is just fucking awful.
It's the same issue I had in deukae fandom at some point, it felt like too many people knew me and I'd thought maybe the feeling came from the fact that I wasn't fully being myself? Cause part of me is being a horny gremlin that is never more happy than when I'm screaming about yeji's cock in someone's dms. But thinking about it, I honestly think being myself has made it worse ๐ญ I just don't feel comfortable doing anything online anymore ๐ญ it all just feels like a value judgement of myself and fuck I do not have enough self esteem for that shit.
I think I might do better posting anonymously, especially since on ao3 if it's anon you can't see metrics without going to the stats page but then it's like damn so having fun online and tryna make friends fucks up my mental health but the solution is to become a recluse. Which I do not want lmao. My life situation already makes me unbearingly lonely and miserable so maybe it's more that I'm used to that and being known is so vulnerable I'd be more comfy on my own? idk tbh I'm just stream of conciousing. All I do know is I don't enjoy keeping to myself but ig that'll be the move until whatever tf is going on in my head stops going on.
I'll probably pop in once in a while to post a meme or rb a friend so they know I'm not dead pff but yeah besides that I think it's bye for a bit.
PS. if I do post something and ya'll notice it's me please don't acknowledge it ๐ฅบ I hate having to type this kinda thing cause it's not really a big deal and no one gives af but sigh just in case