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🐱🐺 enjoyer | they/she | 24 | 🔞 | home to my Yeji bde dissertations | writing acc: @snowddeong

[snowdeong]

So anyway

Having anxiety is so odd cause I logged on to be like "uhh might be taking an indefinite hiatus" and instead of just saying that I now feel the need to like write an overly long, overly personal post about what's going on as if anyone cares 😭 and then it's like if I say that no one cares it sounds like I'm attention seeking or baiting people into telling me that they do when in actuality I just have a fucked sense of self that I'm trying (and failing lmao) to work on.

Which brings us back to the hiatus funnily enough cause yup. I haven't even written anything new just a few lines of a few ideas I have cooking but fuck part of why I'm struggling to just sit down and go for it is cause I know I will want to post and just the idea of posting makes me wanna throw up now. I know I can't just write it and keep it to myself cause like that's not how I roll but the idea of posting as me and being seen as me is just fucking awful.

It's the same issue I had in deukae fandom at some point, it felt like too many people knew me and I'd thought maybe the feeling came from the fact that I wasn't fully being myself? Cause part of me is being a horny gremlin that is never more happy than when I'm screaming about yeji's cock in someone's dms. But thinking about it, I honestly think being myself has made it worse 😭 I just don't feel comfortable doing anything online anymore 😭 it all just feels like a value judgement of myself and fuck I do not have enough self esteem for that shit.

I think I might do better posting anonymously, especially since on ao3 if it's anon you can't see metrics without going to the stats page but then it's like damn so having fun online and tryna make friends fucks up my mental health but the solution is to become a recluse. Which I do not want lmao. My life situation already makes me unbearingly lonely and miserable so maybe it's more that I'm used to that and being known is so vulnerable I'd be more comfy on my own? idk tbh I'm just stream of conciousing. All I do know is I don't enjoy keeping to myself but ig that'll be the move until whatever tf is going on in my head stops going on.

I'll probably pop in once in a while to post a meme or rb a friend so they know I'm not dead pff but yeah besides that I think it's bye for a bit.

PS. if I do post something and ya'll notice it's me please don't acknowledge it 🥺 I hate having to type this kinda thing cause it's not really a big deal and no one gives af but sigh just in case

[snowdeong]

No one give af but with the news about yeji back issues returning and now this fuckass racist riize boy imma be real this stan shit is not worth it at all and I'm done with kpop. for someone as mentally ill as me being mad over shit that will never end every single other day is so unhealthy and if I have to be I'd rather be mad about so many other things like I'm tired.

[snowdeong]

To the anons still sending me stuff I love ya'll I will answer one day I'm just really mentally ill rn 😭🙏🏾

[snowdeong]

Internet has been back in 🇺🇬 for literally less than 24 hours after being gone for 4 days but I'm immediately returning to overdramatic city not because of that but because one of my favourite ryeji fics seems to have been deleted and man....... there really is a profound grief in realising that you didn't download a fic so it'll forever live on only in your memories. I don't think I ever even got round to commenting on it either and I think that's the worst part? As a writer that has deleted shit I know it can be ROUGH and I completely support that process because I think keeping up something that is doing you even the smallest of harm just cause is an unfair ask. But fuck I should have commented 😭😭😭 YAMO and BIM would not exist without that ryeji omegaverse fic and I don't think I even articulated how influential that fic was to me 😭😭😭

[snowdeong]

Can't do ao3 wrapped because I'm traveling tomorrow but hey it was probably fucking hi3 yurislop and in a way that's perfect because hi3 is one of my og snow yap series I'm back home

[snowdeong]

I get so much anti-rpf bullshit on my fyp for some fucking reason and I can't tell if twt is just ragebaiting me or if I follow someone who keeps liking this bullshit 😭

[snowdeong]

There's something so ??? about how the primary way to engage in fandom now is doomposting and how that translates to rpf. "ryeji divorce" "ryeji coworkers" "ryeji not close anymore" over the most inconsequential things 😭 like do ya'll actually enjoy the dynamic we have or do you enjoy coming up with 238723978 ways that it's over 😭😭😭 and if the answer to the latter is yes then okay put that in fanfics then instead of making weird assumptions over the most unserious shit in the world

[snowdeong]

This is probably the 19893080th time I'm complaining about this but I need actual fr jyp paid actors to stop giving af about charts and streams 😭 like we need to move on, kpop is not in the same place as it was when wannabe dropped and that's okay omg 😭

If this is your ult group why is it so hard to just enjoy the fucking cb omigod 😭😭😭

[snowdeong]

I know it's not that serious but please leave Gold alone omg IT'S A GOOD FUCKING SONG STOP SLANDERING IT

[snowdeong]

Wish to spend a day in Ryujin's brain because why tf did she talk about Chaer's solo unprompted 20 fucking years ago and we're still here with not a crumb of news what was the reason for that 😭

[snowdeong]

That fandom's PR is the most fascinating thing on stan twt icl. Like how do they do THAT lmao

[snowdeong]

Anyway I love itzy and want the best for them I really hope that shit turns around for them because fuck they deserve better. gonna go make some pasta now

[snowdeong]

Being a paid jyp actor and also stanning other jyp groups besides itzy is genuinely so... interesting because you see like the absolute bare minimum that jyp does for other groups and it's like "damn so everyone else in this company is actually allowed to have more than 4 songs in a release and have creative control and be promoted in any meaningful way??" Even when blum gets one thing right they must always fuck up something else I really don't understand it lmao. And yeah, other jyp groups also have it really rough and yeah this is not new, we've been complaining about div 2 from second one. But like idk I can never just accept that this is how it is. Contract negotiations should not have to be the lifeline we're begging for 😭 why is it so fucking hard for itzy to just be treated well?? Why can't it be a twice situation where yes shit sucks but at least there is enough incentive to stay together under jyp that it makes sense to casually all renew two seperate times??? This is fucking ridiculous actually 😭😭😭

[snowdeong]

Petition for normal midzys to start calling themselves "jyp paid actors" so that we don't have to be associated with the larger fandom because why is it that every fucking day I open twitter and the most insane bullshit is happening I can't do this anymore 😭

[snowdeong]

Rising from the ashes to complain about midzys again but I wish twitter ryejists spent less time doomposting and more time actually supporting the writers and fanartists that are literally making food right fucking now. How many times do we have to have a "OH THEY'RE DIVORCED" panic for ya'll to just fucking chill. We know that they don't like certain types of fanservice so wtf else sort of answer would Yeji give to an annoying ass question like that 😭

I wish for nothing more than midzys to reach once levels of delusion because yeah onces also suck but at least the vast majority don't make big deals of this kinda thing and actually use it as fuel to create more and support fandom more 😭😭😭that one mohyo artist is likely drawing them fucking rn meanwhile idek if mohyo have interacted on screen this whole year like 😭 we're all already delusional just support fanworks instead of making the same bland divorce joke every six months for fucks sake

[snowdeong]

Midzys will never ever lose the monthly insecure ass fandom award cause what even the hell 😭 we have these discussions every few weeks. "so and so is the best at this" "so and so deserves this and doesn't deserve this" ya'll can't be happy for a second? ya'll can't not pit the girls against each other to make your fave look better than their literal best friends and teammates?? does it make you feel good to turn your nose up and say "ACTUALLY fuck everyone else in the group lol my fave is the best lol" it's so??? And this is about BHs too lmao because yes, midzys hate yeji, but at some fucking point these "defenses" are just fighting ghosts 😭not everything has to be negative omg 😭😭😭 if you're not having fun why tf are you here omg 😭😭😭😭

[snowdeong]

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