original work

[addzeysatticofasinine]

[snowflakepizza]

My mom is the kind of woman who lies about her age.

I am not.

And what does that say about me?

About how I grasped at straws all throughout my childhood, so now I grasp at myself and any tiny certainties that are not always afforded by the world?

Does that tell you my mom is bad at math, but I’ve been counting down the days since I was born since I reached double digits?

I’ve always wondered when my mistakes in algebra class would catch up with me.

And then the day came - when I surpassed my mother’s age I wondered why I could not count anybody but myself out.

[snowflakepizza]

What words can explain the sharp sound of a bluebird cackling from the trees?

You landed right outside of my window the day it turned seventy degrees.

But the next day, it somehow snowed.

You were gone, and the rivers froze over in the southern coves.

I missed your face. I missed the sound.

I’m forever waiting for bluebirds to come around.

[snowflakepizza]

Today I finished my final exams and my first thought was how much I wish there was someone with me to celebrate it together.

It wasn’t “thank god this is over” or “I’m so relieved” but there was a tight feeling in my chest as I walked city block after city block with people having ice cream in the street that for once, I wished someone was there to buy me ice cream.

Like a child to a parent I’d want the largest scoop in the store but like someone more than a parent I wish there were someone who would buy me the largest scoop the store had to offer even if I could never realistically finish the entire thing.

[snowflakepizza]

I scramble and I grasp at straws to take back what once was mine.

But the air falls through my fingertips without care, and my stomach lurches into my throat.

I can’t remember where I placed my love for you.

It is not in front of me, it is not here, it is not there, it is not anywhere that my hands or heart or chest can seek.

So I go to sleep desperate and I go to sleep on an empty stomach at the thought that I will never find you.

I will look over my shoulder for the rest of my life.

[snowflakepizza]

If I am hard to understand, let me understand someone else.

[snowflakepizza]

dear dear

combat me blue

until the drum i hear is the sound of your heart

[snowflakepizza]

And as I extended my bones far beyond the reach of my joints, they broke and the doctors just called it a broken heart.

[snowflakepizza]

If I didn’t exist would someone in another century read my journal and follow its letters to the ends of the earth just to get a glimpse of understanding about who I was?

[snowflakepizza]

I want somebody to look at me and say, “that love letter was meant for you.”

[snowflakepizza]

I want heart luck.

[weltenwellen]

Danez Smith, Don't Call Us Dead

[snowflakepizza]

Today I was watching a television show about first loves being important and I couldn’t stop thinking of you.

Did you even know that I loved you?

Could you feel it through the phone?

It poured out of every playlist I made from the moment we met, and after every note I ever wrote.

Each time I put my pen to paper it felt like I was writing a love letter I never sent in the mail.

Signed, but never delivered. I loved you but couldn’t say it. My first love is forever nameless.

But I still keep the postage stamps at home.

[snowflakepizza]

I only love what I cannot have because that way, I can still love unconditionally.

And no one would call me selfish

[snowflakepizza]

I was so lost in the possibility of us that I thought it was impossible you could let me go.

Don’t prove me wrong

[mournfulroses]

Clarice Lispector, from a letter to Fernando Sabino featured in Why This World: A Biography of Clarice Lispector

[snowflakepizza]

I’ll take your friendship if you take me in with your eyes.

Lying Eyes