Summary: It didn’t take Sherlock Holmes to figure out the two of you felt a certain way towards each other, but misunderstandings can lead to taking the longer, more painful path to happiness.
Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Reader
Warnings: Feels and Fluff
To be stuck in your mind with only the worst of thoughts to keep you company with their whispers in your ear was a torturous punishment. Punishment by whom? Now that was still undecided. HYDRA is an immediate answer. Being subject to their endless experiments and corruption led him to become a slave to them both mentally and physically. Emotionally wasn't an option as they stripped him of that part of his humanity. When he escaped, the consistent plaguing of toxic thoughts was almost as if they were reminding him that, no matter what physical freedom he might have, he was still inevitably caged by their chains.
Another reasonable hypothesis, at least to him, was just simply that the universe didn't deem him worthy to be without those demonic taunts. Perhaps the fates – be there any – already passed judgment on him earlier than the normal human soul and ruled him to be damned to the ninth ring of hell embodied in his mind, created specifically for him to pay for the unforgivable sins that leave him to share the same forever stained red hands of Macbeth. Premature judgment was appropriate on the grounds that he hardly felt like he was human and a part of him did die back in that facility.
But there was always that something – someone – that pulled Bucky back though, just when he feels himself on the brink of slipping off the rocky ledge he clung onto, the dark pit awaiting him from below tempting him to just let go and allow himself to be swallowed whole. She always somehow became a foothold for him, a means of support to boost him up and further away from the abyss. He was cold to her at first, not helping to provide her with reference to his previous code name. He didn’t want anyone getting close. He would only hurt them in more ways than one and no one should bear the emotional burden that was James Buchanan Barnes. But none of that stopped her. Not from approaching him, not from talking to him, not from becoming close to the Winter Soldier himself. And unknown to her, it didn’t stop her from working her way into his sealed-off heart.
The fall was slow but no less hard. He couldn’t even remember when he started to take notice to the small glow that her hair gave off in the sunlight, or the way her eyes squinted a certain way when she laughed, or the small freckles that dotted her arms and face in certain patterns that allowed Bucky to see constellations on her skin. Everything about her came to infatuate him to the point where he couldn’t imagine going about his day without her crossing his mind. He became an addict and she was the drug that numbed his pain and sorrows.
It was all left unsaid to her, though. He would never place himself on her shoulders and expose her to danger like that, even with her arguments against him being a problem. She meant too much to him and he was far too damaged. She deserves someone who was stable. Someone who didn’t attract accusing glares or feared looks by simply crossing the street, who could lend a hand that wasn’t manufactured for the purpose of causing harm, someone who can hold her up just as she held him. The only person who knew - at least, that he knew who knew as the prolonged affectionate gazes that were left on her were not unnoticed by others - was his life-long friend Steve Rogers. If it hadn’t been for the blonde to approach him about his feelings, Bucky doesn’t even know if he would have ever confided in him as he tried his best to will those feelings away. The ex-assassin couldn’t even form a proper denial before Steve chuckled and went mom-mode. Of course, Barnes had no trouble refuting everything that his friend assured him with. He wouldn’t risk it; his mind was made up.
Every interaction (y/n) had with Bucky Barnes was filled with admiration and fondness, especially on her end and she was painfully aware of this fact. In the light she saw him in, she had a hard time even thinking about going about it any other way. She was well aware of how he thought of himself and the things he had done - the lives he had taken under the influence of terrorists. Her own hands weren't that red, but as an agent of S.H.I.E.L.D, they were stained their own shade. But she knew the man he truly was. She knew that James Buchanan Barnes was kind-hearted and selfless, that he would do anything and go through everything for his friends and family. She had no fears of him causing any pain towards her and would endure any danger that came with being close to him. It wasn’t as if she wasn’t a target herself considering her line of work. Most of all, (y/n) knew she was in love with him.
Those feelings ate at her far longer than she would like. He was constantly on her mind as much as she was on his, but she harbored her own doubts. There wasn’t any way he saw her more than a close friend, was there? To her, their shared moments meant everything just as he did and she wanted to give him the world. He deserved the world, even if he didn’t believe that himself. Regardless of her negative thoughts, she attempted dropping hints. She was constantly trying to throw flirty comments into conversations, she would drag him along for coffee, if they touched, she managed to control her racing heart to linger a bit longer, but he gave no indication that he picked up on any of it.
It was on a cooler day that everything became far too overwhelming for her. The summer was melting into a nice fall and the air had taken up a breeze to prepare. Some time between finishing a cup of coffee in the kitchen and heading to her room she had found herself in Steve’s space instead. He was someone she easily confided in as she grew to be close to him as he was Bucky’s best friend. She poured her heart out to him one night after not being able to sleep due to endless thoughts and doubts about her affections for the brunette kept her mind racing. He consoled her, but not without a small knowing smile pulling at his lips. Now she was back to that stage, needing to talk to someone about her urge to just outright confess but her inability to properly do so that was holding her back.
“Say it to me as if I were him,” The captain suggested. It caught her slightly off guard as they had just gone with a few moments of silence as she sank into her thoughts. She turned her head to him, furrowing her eyebrows in confusion.
“Just...practice on me. Pretend that I’m Bucky.” He explained. She paused for a moment, scanning his face to catch any sign that he was kidding. He wasn’t. She let out a small laugh as if she couldn’t take him seriously.
“This is ridiculous. I think I’m just going to drown myself in ice cream and live in a hole of despair instead,” She said, shaking her head while throwing her hands up in defeat.
“Hey there, doll.” He said with a small smile. It was clear his intention was to imitate his friend. The drawl was similar to the one Bucky took up whenever he called her that, but it wasn't the same. Nobody could call her Doll and get the same heart-racing, cheeks flushed reaction as he could.
"Uhhh...ugh fine. This isn’t weird at all” She gave in, turning and facing him in full, not without an eye roll. “Hey...Bucky. I wanted...I just want to tell you…”
“Yes?” Steve urged, leaning forward the slightest bit. With a final sigh, she closed her eyes and let herself imagine that it was Bucky that was standing in front of her, not Steve. She mustered up some courage and let herself spill out the words she has so desperately wanted to tell him.
“I...like you. Like, really like you. I have for quite a while I just, I didn’t know how to tell you or I was scared to tell you. Probably both. Every time I see you my heart, it feels as if it’s going to implode but it feels so much worse when you’re not around. I want to be there for you and to hold your hand and I want to tell you that I love you.”
“What?!” Her eyes snapped open at those words, and she stared up wildly up at Rogers, obvious confusion painting her face in a frenzy.
“That’s Bucky’s line. See? That wasn’t so hard. I bet you feel better.” He said, smiling warmly down at the girl. She let out a small breath. I wouldn’t be so hopeful.
“Yeah. I-I guess I do.” She nodded.
“And you’ll feel even better when you say it to Buck,” Steve said. Just the thought had anxiety crawling back up her throat, but she swallowed it down. She had to tell him. Even if he didn’t tell her what she herself hoped to hear.
“Thank you, Steve.” She smiled in appreciation before heading for the door.
“And (y/n)?” He called causing the woman looked back over her shoulder at him. “He really does like you.” with a final halfhearted smile, she disappeared around the corner.
James Buchanan Barnes was anything but a hero and he knew that. And he knew you deserved better, but he still couldn’t help that small bit of hope that festered in the depths of his core that there was still a possibility that you could give him even a chance. But, upon hearing your confession to Steve - his best friend Steve - that hope went out like a candle. No, that was too gentle. What he felt in his heart, that was anything but gentle. He out of everyone knew what true physical pain was and he thought he knew emotional pain too after the events of his not-so-pretty reunion with Steve, but he was clearly just proved wrong. This - learning that the person you were so in love with was in love with your practically brother and his feelings were reciprocated - was true, heart-crushing pain.
He went days without being able to face either of you. Once he accepted that he had, in fact, heard right, he was angry. And not the dry angry where he could destroy anything in his path, but it was wet and so filled with emotion. The type where you would punch a wall and break down into tears until there were no more left to fall. Not that it’s exactly what he did, but that’s exactly what he did for two days. Or was it three? He lost track. He was angry at Steve for leading him to believe that he would help with his situation, going as far as confronting the soldier about his obvious feelings, he was angry at the universe for once again tearing him down after he - you - had repaired some of the damage left by HYDRA, but, most of all, he was angry at himself for letting that sliver of hope be a thing. Angry for expecting anything else. He let his walls crumble for you, and look where he was left lying?
Slowly that anger began to dissipate. He let himself wander so deep into his thoughts that he realized that he had to either accept the circumstances, or loose the two most important people in his life and, no matter how much seeing you two together would hurt, he couldn’t go on without you. He decided that seeing you happy was all that mattered and all he needed, as long as you were still there with him as just a friend. Perhaps over time he would be able to move on, though he highly doubted it.
He decided that the first step was to begin the acceptance and that’s how he found himself in front of the closed conference room door. Through the window next to it, Steve could be seen sitting in one of the cushioned seats reading over some sort of paperwork splayed out from a manilla folder. He raised his fist, preparing to knock, but hesitated. Was he actually okay with this? Could he handle it? You don’t have a choice, Barnes. He refused to let himself back out, gently rapping at the door before he could spare one more thought. After a few agonizing moments, the blonde granted him admittance.
When he looked at Steve for the first time, he saw flashes of what seemed to be memories, but he knew they didn’t happen...yet. He saw Steve taking you out for your first date. Maybe he took you to that corner coffee shop you always went on about, or maybe a walk around central park with the knowledge that the fall air always cleared your head. He saw you two cuddled up on the couch having one of your notorious movie marathons, the popcorn sitting over your laps. Maybe you had decided to show Steve Jurassic Park finally. He saw you two walk into one of Tony’s fancy Gala’s arm and arm, a beautiful (f/c) dress hugging your figure. That color always looked so nice on you. He clenched his eyes shut, halting the images before they could go any farther. He didn’t need this, not right now.
“Do you need something, Buck?” Steve asked. He was genuinely confused as if he hadn’t a clue why his friend was so distraught. As if he didn’t pour his heart out to him about the same girl he currently was in a relationship with. He curled his metallic fingers, willing the courage to push words out of his mouth.
“I just-” He paused, licking his lips and swallowing deeply. “I just want to make sure that you know that I’m...happy for the two of you.”
Steve’s eyebrows pinched together as he watched his friend, the papers curling limply over his hand as his attention was solely diverted to the struggling soldier at the front of the room. The silence clearly made him uncomfortable as the lack of words from his friend made him continue.
“You both deserve each other and...and I’m not going to hold anything against you or change our friendship or…” Bucky trailed off. This was proving to be harder than he thought.
“What?” Steve’s question had the brunette finally look at him in the eye. There was no doubt that he was confused and Bucky didn’t know why. What else would he be talking about?
“You and (y/n)...” He was hoping that was enough to clarify. He really wanted to go into as little detail as possible, at least right now. Maybe in the future they could talk about it more. He’s going to have to be okay with talking about it more. He had no idea how he was going to get to that point, but he would get there. Anything to see you smile, even if it wasn’t at him.
Steve discarded of whatever he was looking at, dropping the paper in his hand on the table, leaving it forgotten as all his confusion and attention was focused on trying to figure out what his friend could possibly be going on about. Was this why he had been off lately? Locking himself away in his room or the training area while him and you worried sick without a way to get to him? “Bucky…what?”
This had to be some cruel joke. What else could he be talking about? Maybe you and Steve wanted to keep this on the down-low and he was playing it off. He didn’t know Bucky had heard their confessions. He took a deep breath in an attempt to calm himself. It didn’t work. His voice still came out shaky and uneven.
“I… overheard you and (y/n)...talking the other day. About...about your feelings for each other. And I just-” He couldn’t bring himself to say it again. He couldn’t lie about being happy to Steve’s face right then and there again. On the other end of the table, though, Steve’s face was completely neutral as if he were processing something and coming to a realization. He was, he just couldn’t believe how dense his friend could be.
“Bucky...we were talking about you.” With those words, the room grew silent. The brunette had to replay the words in his mind to make sure he heard them right.
“...me.” He repeated bluntly.
Steve briefly pinched the bridge of his nose with his thumb and his forefinger. “Yes, Buck. You. She was practicing on me to talk to you. I know it’s not really my place, but given the situation, she likes you. A lot.”
Bucky’s mouth was left agape as if he couldn’t find the right words to say. He really couldn’t. He couldn’t be that oblivious, could he? And how could someone so amazing as you like someone so destroyed as himself? There was no possible way. But the look on Steve’s face and his tone told a whole different story and Bucky trusted that man with his life. He would never lie, not about something like this. With his thoughts in another place, he ran his metal hand through his hair, pushing it back out of his face for only a split second.
“You’re not...you’re not kidding?” He inquired. He needed final clarification before he was going to go and make a fool of himself in front of you.
“You really did take all the stupid with you,” Steve deadpanned, “Dammit, Bucky, just go to her!”
That was by far enough to push him out the door and running down the hallway.
The soldier didn’t make it too far before he found himself pacing his quarters. The anxiety and overthinking caught up with him. He didn’t have a plan and he needed a plan. He couldn’t just rush in and tell you all flustered and mind everywhere. This was you for crying out loud! You deserve something nice, something planned out. Maybe a piece of jewelry? No, too unconventional and not personal enough. What about...no, that’s not you whatsoever. Before he could come up with another idea that was sure to be instantly shut down, there was a soft knock at his door.
“Bucky...I know you’re in there.” His entire being froze like a deer in headlights at the sound of your voice. His eyes were wide as he turned slowly to look at the door as if he could see you through it. “You’ve been distant these past few days, especially towards Steve and I. I just...I just want to make sure you’re okay. I’m worried about you.”
His breath caught in his throat, hearing the last four words even with how soft you spoke them. Oh god, He worried you. He pushed you away just like he did everyone else and now you were resorted to standing outside his locked door after not hearing from him for days, trying to still reach out to him. Open the door, idiot Steve’s voice rang out in his head and, as if it were a command, he walked up to the door and slowly turned to handle.
You couldn’t help but be a little surprised that the door actually opened. Sure it usually did for you, but the last three days he had shut you out, both avoiding and ignoring you so you weren’t really expecting him to actually open it, but you were beyond happy that he did.
“Oh, thank god. I was starting to think-” You cut off your own ramblings abruptly the moment your eyes caught sight of his face. You weren't sure what you expected. This wasn't the first time he had revealed himself to you in such a state, but each time your heart broke upon seeing the heavy bags under his eyes and the red swelling of them. His stubble had grown out longer than how he usually kept it and his face overall seemed to have a sort of shadow lingering over it. He gained said appearance every time he had an episode, but you never felt the need to voice how horrible he looked. This time, though, there was something a bit different; His sky blue eyes seemed to have a sort of shine to them, one that you hadn't ever seen accompany his said state.
Gently and slowly, as if approaching a stray kitten, you raised your hand towards his face. You stopped for a moment, testing the waters, making sure he was okay with it and wasn't flinching away. He wasn't. In fact, he was watching you as if he was expecting, or waiting, for your touch. Continuing forward, you brushed a few hairs out of his face and behind his ear. Your fingers barely brushed over the skin of his cheek, enough to feel the small hairs coating it and enough for him to lean into it as if craving more, but he was still restraining himself as if he wasn’t letting himself get that full satisfaction of your touch.
You pulled your hand away after a moment, not that you wanted to, but you were scared you would get carried away. Scared you would accidentally give in to what you craved, scared you would make him uncomfortable and hurt yourself in the process. You needed to emotionally step away, but, every time you so much as glanced into those crystal eyes, he pulled you right back in again without fail. It was a never-ending circle and you were running it’s track right now. As soon as your skin lost contact with his, you snuck a glance up at him and he just so happened to be giving you that kicked puppy look that made you fill with instant regret. He stepped to the side though, a silent sign you two had started a long time ago. He clearly wanted you to come in but didn’t have to voice it and you happily obliged.
He closed the door behind you before following you deeper into the room. His mind was going a mile a minute, thinking up and brushing away different ways to go about what he wanted to bring up. Knowing there was a strong possibility that you felt the same, he refused to waste any more time tiptoeing around when you can be his. When he can be yours. Of course, you took his panic-y silence as him retreating into himself from demons.
No less gentle than before, you easily grabbed onto his hand and led him to the couch, having no problem getting him to sit beside you. You guided his head to rest in your lap and he let you. His eyes slipped closed and a small sigh escaped his lips as your fingers carefully weaved through his locks and brushed down towards his nape in repeating motions. It was something that always calmed him and brought him some soft of peace and you were quick to pick up on it.
The two if you rested like that for a good while, his head on your thighs and your hand in his hair. It was meditative for the both of you, just basking in each other's presence. You didn't even notice his eyes blink open, settling on your face. Your own had fallen closed after a few minutes so the way he studied your features as if he were fully drinking you in for the first time was lost on you. If you could see him, you would have thought he had found some sort of treasure and, to him, he had. Every time he looked at you felt as if he were rediscovering it. If he didn’t trust Steve so much, he wouldn’t believe that you harbored any type of affection for him. But, even still, he hadn’t a clue why you did. Every ounce of doubt and putrid thoughts flooded into his mind.
As if on autopilot, his arm raised to caress your cheek with his index finger, knuckles still curled. Catching sight of the gleam of the metal, he almost pulled back, but you nuzzled into his touch regardless of the inorganic material. It made his heart swell to what felt like an unnatural size.
“Why me?” His voice cut through the silence before he realized what he was uttering. He cursed himself in his head, but a small smile graced your lips before your eyes opened just enough to gaze down at him. He swears there are stars hidden in them.
“How long d’ya got, Buck? ‘Cus this could take a while.” She chuckles slightly, not even bothering to ask what he was talking about or how he had known. Honestly, you thought he had picked it up the last time you had thrown a flirty remark his way.
“Seriously, Doll. You could...you deserve so much better. I couldn’t-” He didn’t even need to finish his sentence for you to know the self-deprecating road he was going down. Your eyes flashed for a moment and your fingers in his hair halted.
“And who told you what I deserve? I’ll kick their ass. If it was you, don’t worry. I’ll kick your ass too. Because I can tell when someone is selfless and kind, who is gentle and compassionate, who defends those who cannot defend themselves but is a total badass at the same time. Which, by the way, that combination is pretty hot if I do say so myself. And those pants just tie the whole image together.” Your voice was so definite like you had massive amounts of evidence to prove that your words were fact to anyone who tried to challenge them wrong. The small smirk that appeared on your face mid-sentence died down to a loving smile and it made his heart race that it was aimed at him, “And I can most definitely tell when someone is so deserving of love.”
Bucky was speechless. He couldn’t fathom someone like you seeing him in such a light. You spoke so highly of him that it rivaled Steve and it affected him right to his core. He didn’t even have time to process any further negative thoughts before he found himself sitting up, your face being held by his hands and his forehead resting on yours. His breath fanned onto your lips, beckoning you closer than you already were. His eyes, the very same eyes that made you weak in the knees, are what made you lose restraint. With no hesitation left, you tilted your chin up, sealing your lips together.
Immediately, he moved one of his arms down to snake around your waist, pulling you impossibly close to him as his lips easily responded to yours, moving in time to the beats of your hearts. The fingers that remained on your cheek carded through your hair before resting on the back of your neck, tracing the start of your hairline with his thumb. The feeling was so much more than what either of you was hoping for and it filled you to the brim.
Before it felt like it even started, you had to pull back to gain some of your breath back. Of course, with his supersoldier perks, Bucky could have gone on longer so a small whine emitted from the back of his throat at the sudden lack of contact. You giggled, your eyes still closed as your thumb brushed over his slightly chapped lips.
“I guess this means you finally picked up on my flirting?” You playfully asked. Bucky chuckled, nudging his nose against yours before responding.
“Actually...long story. Steve might have...hinted.” He wasn’t going to explain the whole misunderstanding to you quite yet, slightly embarrassed about the whole ordeal. But, if going through all that pain over again meant he got to hold you in his arms and kiss you senseless, he would do it in a heartbeat.
You paused for a second and Bucky could feel your nose scrunching up. “Imma kill him.” He let out a loud laugh and the vibrations you felt stem from his chest almost made up for the poking Steve did in your love life.
“We should probably be thanking Steve actually. If it wasn’t for him- I mean, with your attempts at flirting, nobody would be able to catch on.” He teased. You let out a scoff.
“Are you saying that I can’t be smooth?”
“All I’m asking is if that’s really what you call flirting, doll.” The soldier continued to playfully mock. Your jaw fell open as you leaned back to look at his smirking self.
“Oh, that’s how you want to play it, Barnes. Alright.” You squint your eyes at him as you shuffle out of his grip and stand up straight. He watched you, clearly bemused. “I’ll be in my room,” you informed before beginning to walk off to the door. Of course, you weren’t expecting to get far, but you would be lying if you said you didn’t let out a small screech when you felt arms wrap around your waist and tug you back into a large chest.
“You’re not going anywhere, sweetheart.” You let out a loud laugh as he pressed kisses to your cheek and forehead, his scruff tickling your skin. You didn’t even protest when he fell back to the couch, locking you in a bear hug that you had no wish to escape.
