So This Guy Matt

Stories about this guy Matt at my college

[so-this-guy-matt]

Matt falls and Flirts

Matt did dumb shit again, we were walking into the mall and Matt saw a pretty girl, so dude catches her eye then trips and almost hits the floor, but catches himself in push up position. He does a push up, gets back up, wipes his hands off on his pants, looks directly at the girl and goes “hmm I almost couldn’t stop myself from falling in front of you, I wonder if I could stop myself from plain old falling FOR you” this dude is so smooth, I asked him later, turns out he tripped himself just to get her to look at him

[so-this-guy-matt]

Food is Important

This fucker is so dumb, like goddamn. So I’m talking with Matt, and all the sudden he’s like what day is it? I’m like it’s Thursday. And he’s like “oh want to go get food? IHOP?” I’m like sure why? And he says “well I haven’t eaten since Tuesday morning, and pancakes don’t sound that bad.” Dude forgot to eat for three days.... I swear someone needs to date him to keep him in check and alive. So we roll into iHop at like 12am and he’s just like should I just order a fuck ton of mozzarella sticks? Like he totally could but like we decided a balanced meal was better so he gets the 2x2x2 and he’s like so it technically a number8? And I’m like fuck math. Anyways so waitress comes back and we’re in the middle of telling yo mama jokes and he just says “yo mama is really happy she has your birth certificate so she can say the exact date and time her comedic career started with the biggest joke she ever made” and the waitress literally went “damn that’s savage” long story short, we got pancakes.

[so-this-guy-matt]

Okay so we are now a week or two back in sophomore year. I have seen Matt, dude is now an RA (dorm floor supervisor) and like shit, didn’t see that coming because well he’s Matt. Anyways so me and some of our friends are all up in his room, and these freshmen who live on his floor come by. And they’re all like “Matt, it happened again, outlet isn’t working” and I’m like how is that his problem and then Matt just goes “I’ll put in a maintenance request, again, sorry for the inconvenience guys” and they leave and Matt comes back in the room and like immediately swaps from responsible to idiot by grabbing his pocket knife, opening it, and balancing it on his pinky.......

Like the dude has two modes, he’s either super responsible, kind and caring if he’s caring for others but like if left to his own self preservation instincts he’s fucked and going to do something stupid.

[so-this-guy-matt]

In a fight

So flashback to the first day after winter break. Everyone is getting back on campus, and I’m going around saying hi to friends and such and I see matt. So I go to hug him and he is all like ohhh please don’t. And I’m all like why ? So turns out this guy got into a fight while he was home against one guy that eventually turned into four guys against him. Needless to say he lost, but like dude had his forearm wrapped and his ribs wrapped because as it happened, there was a point in the fight, when he thought it would be a good idea to say “I came out to have a good time but honestly I’m feeling attacked right now” which resulted in more kicks. But the dude, mad Matt, was so proud of himself for it because well he thought he accomplished something amazing just by saying that.

[so-this-guy-matt]

Out the Window

So I forgot I made this tumblr, but honestly I really want to share these stories so I’m going to add more before the next college year starts because I’m sure Matt is still a dumbass

So one of my favorite moments with Matt is when I’m sitting Down in part of the lobby that happens to be right under his room and I hear a thump, and I have no idea where it’s coming from so I look out the window and there’s just a leg.. Matt decided that with the screen out of his window he would just see if he could climb in and out of his second story room just so that he could bypass the lobby. Turns out he can and would regularly just jump out or climb in. He’d text his roommate and they’d open the window for him. It was crazy but he never got in trouble.

[so-this-guy-matt]

Sneeze

Okay so Matt, as aforementioned is like six foot two, kinda muscled and at times hella intimidating. (He has way to many similarities with either a serial killer or a future dictator) but he was walking by and sneezed. Now I’ve heard him sneeze before but like he always pinched his nose when he did it, (weird right, but I didn’t think too much about it) so he sneezes and it’s a legitimate aaa-cho but the dude sounds like a five year old little girl, or like a kitten. And I’m like wtf, and he’s like damn it snuck up on me. So apparently that’s his real sneeze and he typically pinched to cover it up he just didn’t catch it because it’s allergy season

[so-this-guy-matt]

Animals

Matt is a such a weird guy, but like he’s six foot two and scared of animals, even like small terriers. Therefore he never bothered to learn their names, so we are watching Mulan, and it’s the scene where mushu blows up the Hun, and he goes “oh that’s like kung fu panda 2 where Po blows up the flamingo” and we just kinda pause... flamingo. That’s so wrong. For those who haven’t seen it, it’s a peacock. Vastly different and we go “Matt it’s a peacock, not a flamingo, flamingos are pink.” And he looks dumbfounded then says “no pelicans are pink” Pelicans. at this point I’m trying to not laugh my ass off because he is so confused because he’s spent his whole 19years of life confused. Anyways I plan to quiz him at a later date to see what other animals he never learned

[so-this-guy-matt]

Helium

Matt took helium, like a large sliver two that would be found at birthday party’s and drank all that helium in the span of five minutes... he proceeds to sound hilarious while making a large amount of threats for fun, then this dumbass goes to stand and is hella light headed so we get him to lay down on the couch in the lobby where we are chilling and we drape his leather jacket over him because he’s complaining about the lights.. so while he is under there he keeps randomly falling asleep or saying shit like “I know all fifty states” and “I’d strike a pigeon if I could” and it was just hilarious so I thought I’d share

[so-this-guy-matt]

Background

So I go to college with this dude, we’ll call him Matt. Matt is so damn strange.. I just had to share because like his life.. he shouldn’t be alive like between his recklessness and experiences something should have killed this walking shitpost generator.

But I met him on the second floor of the college library and this bro had taken a whiteboard off the wall in a study room, brought it out into an open area, laid it down, and was just coloring with expos... he’s no art major for sure but he seemed hella content so I was just like “hey can I color too?” And Matt was like “yeah but don’t take the blue marker, it’s my favorite” and we colored together on the floor of the library at two in the afternoon for like an hour.