socimoni

[socimoni]

It’s like we are playing a poker game where I’m all in and you’re just the dealer. You make me want to play another round even though I have nothing left. I still play though, betting on my heart because you are priceless, because without you I can’t even function. I still play to simply feel your presence with me at the table. Doesn’t matter if you’re ripping my heart out because I just lost another round, I’d have butterflies and a glimmer in my eyes at the mere inches between us. But the butterflies turned to moths and the spark in my eyes started to fade because you turned what once was the love of a lifetime into a bitter drug that slowly intoxicates me more and more each day. You are my biggest regret and my biggest what if. You’re my biggest joy and my darkest sorrow. I love you with all my being yet I hate you from the depth of my soul. I want to give you everything yet leave you starving with nothing at all. You’re my best story and my saddest one. You’re it for me but I’ll never be enough for you. You’re the paradox of my life and I’m nothing but a chapter in yours. 

[socimoni]

The day I met you

The day I met you I thought my life was complete 

The day I met you is a memory ill never delete 

The day I met you no matter how sweet 

Will always be a reminder of how im obsolete 

It is a day that I wish I could change 

Go back in time and rearrange 

The words we interchanged

And the laughs we exchanged 

Maybe if I went back in time 

And gone back to that day 

That things now wouldn’t be this way 

That things now would be sublime 

Maybe if I went back to this day 

That I continue to replay 

We would be different 

Maybe id be indifferent 

Ever since that day 

I couldn’t stay away 

I couldn’t get you out of my head 

I couldn’t stop hearing the words you said 

Maybe if I went back to this day 

Maybe I wouldn’t be in tears 

Maybe I wouldn’t be imagining cheers

Maybe I would have been okay 

Maybe if I went back to this day 

I wouldn’t give you my heart 

The one in pieces today 

The one torn apart

Lost in hypotheticals 

And made up scenarios 

We have turned into a spectacle 

And muses for tearstained stereos 

Maybe if I went back to that day 

Maybe I wouldn’t be so in love 

Maybe if I went back to that day 

Maybe I could unlove

[socimoni]

I forgot how to love

I forgot how to love. I forgot how to love everything and anything. Self love are two unfamiliar words. Self care is non apparent for me. Self esteem is nonexistent in my dictionary. Love for books and reading I use to have, now gone with the wind and collecting dust on a long forgotten shelf. Love for music left a year ago, now I listen to music to drown out the hollow. Love for friends is now quite rare, I only go out to escape the deafening sorrow. Love for anything ive forgotten, now I force myself to smile to not be society’s next victim. I try so hard to love but nothing prevails. I am so broken beyond repair. You destroyed me. You embraced me and loved me and showed me all the good in the world and now I sit in the darkness pondering constantly. You showed me the light then took it with you. You gifted me new demons and commitment issues. You showed me love but gave me indifference. You made me laugh until tears never left my eyes. You picked me up and built me back up from a hundred different parts. But then you left and now im a thousand piece mosaic of what could’ve been and what was not. 

[socimoni]

I just wanna die 

I want to stop existing 

I can no longer deny 

That this life isn’t worth living 

I traced my veins on my left hand’s wrist

With red pen to better imagine 

Wondered how long until it’d happen

When I’d leave this life that exists 

I want to say goodbye to this world for none 

Or rather a world designed for those who have fun  

But it’s a world that’s definitely not for me 

Because no matter I can’t seem to be happy 

[socimoni]

Romanticizing pain, 

A toxic trait invented by society, 

A vicious cycle yet to be broken 

To make tears and suicide pretty. 

It has led a generation to believe, 

That depression is something to achieve.

It’s all a lie. 

To have anxiety is not aesthetic, 

It’s not something cute. 

Panic attacks, breakdowns, 

Should not be a want, should not be a need. 

Why would you want to be depressed? 

Why do you want to be anxious? 

It’s not flowers and heartbreak. 

Its so much more, 

Its something that leads to death: 

The death of a soul, before the death of a corpse. 

They lose will, they lose hope, faith. 

But before all, 

They lose themselves

[socimoni]

You are the sun and I am the moon, 

We meet twice a day, and every time I swoon. 

I want to be with you, but the distance is an issue.

So sun, my sun, meet me halfway, 

Meet me in the middle, meet me in the grey, 

Meet me at the dusk, 

Meet me at the dawn,

So I can see you a second long. 

You who brightens my day, 

You who makes me think for further away, 

You who makes this worth to live, 

You who makes me want to exist. 

My sun, my ray of hope, 

Meet me in the middle, 

Meet me at the horizon somewhere, 

On a beach, behind the mountains, 

Where we can watch the birds up high, 

And paint the sky, 

With all the shades of mesmerizing colors. 

My sun, my reason to breathe,

We are stuck in a vicious cycle that doesn’t let us meet, 

Darling, my sun, 

Meet me halfway, 

So we can go far away.  

[socimoni]

Those who love hard usually need to be loved back 

[socimoni]

I would’ve fought the whole world to be happy 

But I will not fight anymore because im so tired 

I’m so fkn sick and tired of living breathing existing 

You made me hate myself 

You made me hate life

All because of you 

And the way you treat me 

The way you talk to me 

The way you are with me 

You are seemingly perfect with everyone else but with me you are the worst version of yourself 

You have no patience you’re angry you’re yelling you’re scolding you’re blaming 

So when I kill myself 

For once, just take the blame 

I fkn dare you 

[socimoni]

You’re being yelled at

You dont understand what’s going on 

You ask what’s wrong 

They say you 

So now you’re spending all day thinking that you’re wrong, forgetting studies and friends, forgetting to smile and laugh, forgetting to look at the beautiful side of things: the sunsets, the chirpy birds, the beautiful skies, your friends by your side. You forget it all because you’re too caught up in yourself and why you are wrong. So next someone tells you you’re wrong, you’re a mistake, look them in the face and say, suck it up and deal with it, because you deserve to witness the sun rising, the flowers opening up in spring, the passing butterfly, laughs with friends, the beautiful side of things. You deserve to be more than happy, you deserve to live life and not just exist in it. 

[socimoni]

I feel like im lost. Completely lost in this world. I dont know what I want, I have no hopes, no ambitions, I am simply just existing. But why? what's the point if you have no aspirations whatsoever. I used to have dreams, to imagine myself succeeding in life, but now I get no sleep and have no time to dream, no motivation to reach any goal. So why do I make the choice to keep on living? because why not? for the pure fuckery of it, for the pointlessness of it, why the fuck not? Because maybe, just maybe, one day ill find myself again, ill find my place, ill find my purpose, and it life won't be pointless anymore.

[socimoni]

You see, the weird thing about love is that it starts with a simple glance, a smile. Then it grows. It becomes your oxygen, your reason and suddenly it’s all you can think about, making you feel butterflies after each thought, each look, each smile. But it’s just a lie. This specific beautiful lie that starts with love and ends with you made a fire burn inside me like no lie ever has. But what if after all those moments, after all our history I fell for you. Would you really be surprised?I dont think it will because for once it just feels right.  

[socimoni]

Deafening screams and silent tears, when I ask for help she doesn’t hear a thing. I tell her what’s wrong and she deafens herself. I start crying and tell her im drowning, instead of a helping hand, I get one that pushes me down. She recognizes not when I study, saying its not enough and surely not overwhelming. She doesn’t understand when I speak, she doesn’t get that I cry myself to sleep. She thinks im overdramatizing, but im only trying to get her to stop over analyzing my ever move my every breath my every step I take on this road that leads to nowhere. I scream so loud but she still doesn’t hear me. Im asking for help but she’s not there. I go to my room and sob in my pillow. Honey what’s wrong ? Why are you drowning in wallow ? Nothing im fine, I smile with hatred in my eyes. Then get up and grab a book you fkd up swine. Don’t u get it? Im done. 

[socimoni]

I sit alone, I imagine and I ponder, 

you and I together, looking at the sky in wonder. 

I tell you I’m the moon and you are the sun, 

You illuminate my day, my ray of sunshine, 

You tell me yes indeed you are the moon, 

You bring me comfort and love and take away the blues. 

We sit there, side by side, as the sun rises up, 

I point at it and say, that’s you !

You held my hand and pulled me closer and said: 

Look at the sky, at the dawn and its breathtaking colors, I’ll remember this moment forever. 

I tell you these colors that you see, we did that my dear; 

As i’m leaving to travel somewhere where you just were and you’re coming to take my place, 

We painted the sky in lovely colors, 

Lovely like you and lovely like me, 

We did that my dear do you now see? 

My love, you say, 

My moon and everything poetic in this day, 

You are what makes these colors in the sky, 

With your shades of blue so dark, 

I couldn’t have done any of that. 

You hold me closer, look me in the eyes and our lips brush ever so slightly, 

This is a dream, I murmur, this is paradise my lover. 

[socimoni]

What is happiness ? 

Happiness is what happens when you go to bed on the hottest of summer nights, a night so hot you can’t even wear a t-shirt and one where you sleep on top of the sheets instead of under them. And at some point, late at night, a bit before dawn, the heat finally breaks and the night turns cool and you briefly wake up, and you notice that you’re almost chilly, and in your half-conscious state, you reach over and pull the sheet around you and just that flimsy sheet makes it warm enough that you drift back off into a deep sleep. And it’s that reaching, that gesture, that reflex that we have to pull what’s warm towards us, whether it’s something or someone, that feeling we get when we do that, that feeling of being safe in this world and ready for sleep, that’s happiness.

[socimoni]

When u can’t comprehend the idea of someone acc loving you what do you do? You push them away 

You push everyone away. Then u cry at night because you dont wanna be lonely, but u still push them away but you can’t help it, you just dont understand how someone can love such a horrid person like you. But you, oh god you, you made me believe that I am lovable, you made me think that I am not that bad, you made me love u so much that I forgot what hating myself felt like. But what did I do? I fucked it up, and im pushing you away more and more each day but to my surprise you’re still here, still fighting me, trying to stay as close as u can each day, not letting me push u away. And the horrible fucked up thing is that I love you with all my heart but the voices in my head keep on telling me that if I dont push u away you’ll just leave me instead even if you’ve proven yourself many times. So why do I have that urge to still push u away? Because im so sick and tired of being hurt, im sick and tired of being left that now I leave. Whenever something good happens to me I ruin it before it ruins me, even tho I am already ruined and broken. I am hopeless but you still believe in me. I hate me and life but u, fkn u, remind me of all the gd things in life, all the beautiful things in life, and make me forget what hating myself feels like. But I still push u away I dont know why, but I still do, and it is destroying bit by bit, day by day. I need you, pls dont let me push u away.

[socimoni]

What is love?

For centuries passed, and until this moment, love is perceived as a bond, between two people, and as true as that may be, I think it is more.

I view love as not only a bond between two people, but a feeling that not just any person can give you.

Love is a feeling often confused with decency, sympathy, and likability.

Love is much stronger that all that.

Love is when you feel, with every fiber in you bones, that you and this other person connect on a spiritual level.

It is a feeling that leaves you longing for more.

A feeling often found in true friendships, relationships and understanding family.

Love is when you see the other person’s flaws but chose to accept and embrace them regardless. When their qualities, personality traits, humor, likes and dislikes become known to you more than your own.

When the things that bother them become things you stop doing.

When even if you dont talk every day, you know they will be there for you no matter what.

When even if you fight, you know you will end up making up and everything is going to go back to normal.

When you start liking the things they like.

When their passions became interesting for you.

When you do things for them regardless of your desires and needs.

When you tell them everything without holding anything back.

When they live your life with you, and when you live theirs with them.

But most of all, when you learn to trust them with all your heart; as if you gave them a glass version of your heart and all you can do is hope that they won’t let it go, or break it.

But rather that they will cherish it and keep it safe.

But in return you also have to do the same otherwise it will be counterfeit-love.

Love isn’t a concept.

Love isn’t destiny.

Love is a choice: it is the conscious choice to keep nurturing this bond between you and the other person regardless of the difficulties. Because love may first be a feeling, but ends witch a choice.

Love is a force of life that cannot be explained, yet explains all.

[socimoni]

Here’s the thing, i feel like i came into this world in hopes of changing someone’s life, a stranger perhaps, not in a major -they wouldn’t be alive without me- kind of way, but in a -i made them smile because of something i said- kind of way. I am scared that i won’t be able to do that, i am scared that i won’t be able to serve purpose, but i will keep thriving until i do.