Belle

A princess in the moonlight

[softandstoic]

Why you should abort it

Disclaimer: This post is targeted towards young women who can’t afford to have children on their own. Financially, mentally and/or emotionally. 

People always downplay the consequences of having children. 

“It’ll all be worth it when you hold them in your arms/when they smile at you”

“They drive me crazy but I wouldn’t trade them for the world”

“We’ll figure it out”

“No one has any idea what they’re truly doing anyway, just go ahead, it’ll work out in the end”

These are just some of the things you hear around you when you first announce your unexpected pregnancy and looking for advice as to whether you should keep it or not. The short answer? No, you shouldn’t keep it. Read on for the long answer.

Your job as a future mother is to pick the best man suitable for the job. If you give your child a shitty father by choice you’ve failed the first test of motherhood and effectively set up your child for a lower quality of life. Deliberately. Harsh but it’s the truth.

This is where long term thinking and second/third/fourth order consequences come in (something you need to be using in every aspect of your life, not just on this topic). Your immediate thought when you found out you were pregnant was to keep the baby because aborting it seemed atrocious and cruel. “How can I kill my own baby?”  you think to yourself. “What kind of mother would I be?”. 

What you don’t realize is you’re only thinking of the immediate consequences of going through with this decision. You’re thinking of the endless guilt you’ll feel after you’ve done it. The immediate emotional pain of terminating a pregnancy. You feel like a bad mother because you traded your baby for material gains. 

The truth is, your emotions are in the driver’s seat and you’re actively ignoring the directions your logic is screaming at you from the passenger’s side. You know you shouldn’t go through with it but it would break your heart to terminate your pregnancy. 

You’re not killing a baby, you’re giving your future children the best possible chance at a great life. That is love. Making hard decisions because that’s what makes the most sense in the long run. This is something you need to learn regardless of your feelings towards abortion.

Here’s the thing about strength and logic, they’re not easy to use. People preach day in and day out that you can’t rely on your emotions when making important decisions but don’t have the willpower to eat some nuts instead of a snickers bar when they’re hungry. Being practical is hard if you’re not used to it. As women, it’s even more important that we exercise our willpower and strengthen our decision making skills for crucial times such as this. I’m not saying this isn’t a painful decision to make, it is. Who can truly get rid of a child they want without being emotionally affected by it? Not many and certainly not me. 

However, the consequences of having said child, at this point in your life with this particular person, are far greater. You need to be able to accept this. Think back to your childhood, whether it was good or bad. If it was good, don’t you want to give your children a similar or even better upbringing? Are they not deserving of that? Are they not deserving of a mother who can make hard decisions for them when the time comes? 

If it was bad, what kind of mother would you be if you didn’t try your best to ensure they would not be subjected to the same trauma as you were? Or any kind of trauma for that matter? 

When people say they can’t afford to have children, most assume they’re speaking financially and oftentimes they are. What most people tend to overlook is being prepared emotionally and mentally. You’ll hear this being used as an excuse when people are asked why they haven’t had kids yet but that’s because most people believe they’ll wake up one day and miraculously be ready to have children. That’s not how any of it works. Yes, you need to be emotionally and mentally prepared to have children. You also need to be financially prepared. 

Children are a responsibility before they’re even here. It’s much more than picking out cute outfits, maternity shoots and baby showers.Most people spend a good amount of time improving their finances in order to be able to afford a baby, completely neglecting other areas that are equally, if not more important. So, what does mental and emotional preparation look like?

The first step is going to therapy. Even if you’re someone who’s incredibly self aware and are able to guide yourself towards better mental and emotional habits, the truth is, we all have blind spots. Who better to point them out than someone trained specifically to do so? You will spare your child much trauma later down the road if you just take the time to work through your own first.

Whoever you choose as a partner, and I hope you choose wisely, need to also have done similar work beforehand. What good is all of your effort if it’s just going to be undone by a partner who’s going to pass down their trauma to your children? This is why it’s crucial that you don’t get pregnant by people who are not worthy of being a parent to your children and if you do, well, the title of this post will tell you all you need to know. 

You need to ensure that you can create an environment that is ideal for raising a child because it truly does take a village. Do your loved ones live nearby? If not, do you have access to quality services who can take care of your children during your workday and other functions? Emphasis on quality. In the case of you or your spouse’s death, have you chosen suitable godparents? Not the friends you’re closest to but the most reliable ones? 

You can’t stop with just choosing a suitable partner, what about their family and friends? These are people who are going to spend a significant amount of time around your child and thus will have a significant influence on them. You have a responsibility to vet them just as much as they’re vetting you. It’s not just about whether they like you, do you like them? Will you be able to get along in the long run? Are they positive role models for your child? 

This is why love isn’t enough. Nor is being a strong independent woman. Why would you willingly choose a life of struggle? Having a child is not all about being able to love them fully. It goes way beyond that and sadly, most people ignore that fact because it doesn’t ‘feel’ right to abort a child. 

Babies are more binding than marriage is. You can always get a divorce, you cannot change your baby’s father. Unless he is dead, this man will be in your life forever. You might be able to handle the stress of having to deal with him (although, you really shouldn’t be), your children will forever be affected by his unacceptable behaviour. 

Children are a blessing and the most precious gift you could ever give a man. Your body brings life into the world. That is by no means a light matter. Going through that for undeserving men is disrespectful to both you and your unborn child. 

It’s not about how you feel and what you think is right, it’s about what is best for your child regardless of how anyone feels and that also includes you. Your inability to separate your emotions from your brain to come to this conclusion only proves one thing: no, you’re not  ready to have that baby. 

Do better. If not for you, then for your future child.