I'm so tired, but I can't sleep.
I want to sleep but at the same time I don't want to sleep.
But I'm so tired, I have to sleep.
I'm always the one letting people have things their way, forgiving them, putting myself on the disadvantage just for them, and in the end, I just feel like I'm being abused and used and taken for granted. All those promises, now empty lies, meant something to me. Because I cared for them and their happiness. But did they share it with me like they meant it, like they promised? No.
My mind is racing, racing. Thinking of so many things I have to do, so many things I need to do, so many things I want to do. Some of them, out of spite. I'm such a terrible person.
I constantly remind myself that I'm this hurt, this sad, and this much in pain because I'm not strong enough. Over time, I finally became strong. So strong that sad things don't get to me anymore, and other's happiness — it didn't mean anything to me. Both are easily brushed off my shoulder without a second glance, like passing wind.
Eventually when people saw this, they critised me. For being stone-cold, indifferent, terrible, emotionless. And me being me, I let them tear down my walls again. I let myself feel, cry, empathise, smile, cheer at other people's ups and downs.
But right now, as I'm writing this, all I feel is bitterness. Bitterness like never before. So bitter, that I'm plotting against them for doing this to my mental state, my heart, my trust, my sincerity. I've already planned each and every step I'm going to take against them; those who lied, cheated, made fun of me and made used of me because I was the only one available for them when no one was around them.
And right on cue, as my heart sobs itself out, I hear it again.
I'm this hurt, this sad, and this much in pain because I'm not strong enough.
All these lies, all these lies! I'm never going to believe a single promise anyone ever makes me ever again, so that I'll be genuinely surprised and touched when the promise does get fulfilled. ZERO expectations from today on.
Hating someone/something is very tiring. It takes effort to hate. I'm far too busy caring for others to have the time and energy to hate and remember to hate every single day. And far too hurt and hollowed out to care to hate.
I'm going to be strong again, and not let anyone gnaw their way into my heart anymore, so that I won't experience this pain, this sadness, this vulnerability, ever again. I'm going to just brush everything off like how I used to, and focus on myself more, at the expense of other's demise. I have no choice, since I was forced back into this the second time. So this decision will not be a mistake. This goes against me, but if I were to be me, I will not live for very long in this world. I am doing this so as to protect myself from the horrors of the inhabitants of this world called humans. They disgust me, just like how I disgust myself.
Should I be sorry? Only to myself, I guess. But should I be sorry for protecting myself? ABSOLUTELY NOT.
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