As If This Matters @someoneplsjustkeepmefrommys-blog - Tumblr Blog

Welcome to Ian's accidental blog, where everything goes, unintentionally through his own Fanny-ness

Oops I did again lol

Wrong Blog woops, soz if that was seen. Pls Ignore

Thoughts

26/04/15- Im so sorry this blog actually exists. No-one should have to hear/see the things I think/feel, I don't know what to think, wether it matters or wether people get worried from this or whatever, I don't know, but in the off chance, I've got to stop this, I need to stop other people worrying about me. And for that, I'm sorry. My problems are mine, not anyone else's, there are more important things and people and I'm a just a stupid, hopeless distraction. That's the reason my tumblr has been quieter recently, if anyone noticed, so I'll probably just go back to writing thoughts on my notes for a while or something.

Thoughts

19/04/15 - Yesterday was okay, Did a few things with my friends, so I was busy doing things I didn’t hate which was good and only eat once, and as bad as I felt after, in reflection, it was great. But today, I completely fucked It. Eat so much, like it’s unnatural. Like no fucking wonder I’m sad, I don’t deserve happiness, I iust ruin everything for myself and everyone else. sometimes I wish I had the guts to make myself sick or that sort of stuff cos it seems like a good idea but im just never going to do anything like that sadly. But I’m fucking raging at myself for being a pig, and not stopping, plan is tomorrow to eat a yogurt for breakfast and have dinner and that’s it and also go to the gym, and I know that’s quite a lot aswell but it’s a start to get all this fat off me, too afraid to weigh myself right now, but tomorrow morning I’m just going cry at my fatness, just in time for school, woo.

I can see things starting to slide again sadly now, shit . Also, here’s a wee cheeky after thought. I’m actually just wasting my life. Like I spend so much time doing nothing, I could be doing things I enjoy or productive things but no. My life is just passing me be while I do fuck all. No more additions to today’s Post I don’t think.

#worthless piece of shit #can't do anything #can't study #can't eat properly #can't be happy #can't be normal #fuck you Ian #wanker

Thoughts

16/04/15 - I think that's the whole family thing okay now which is a relief. Had an ice cream today and quite a big dinner so I feel really bad about that and it's like 1 step forward, 2 steps back yknow.

#not really thoughts #fuck the police #bit calmer #something will go wrong eventually though #hopefully not too soon

Thoughts

Here is the long awaited part 2 from yesterday 15/04/15 - I even hate waking up now. When I'm asleep there are no problems, but the instant I wake up it's an instant Fuck. Fuck you subway, I was at a weight that I was happy to maintain but now I'm a pound over. I wonder if it will go away or if it's the start of me blowing up like a balloon. Probably the later, knowing me, I'll give up and eat my Easter eggs and be a fat shit and die. I should be studying right now but that's not happening and it never will cos I know right now, It's already all fucked, so I may just give up trying ? Right now I should be, but I'm too busy moping to do anything. I honestly need to sort myself out though, people are getting involved but they shouldn't have to, I need to just put it to the side and get over this. I don't want to add stress or worry to anyone, so I'm so sorry that I'm here doing all this shit.

fuckfuckfuck. I cant take this, oh jeez, im really struggling here now, fuck.

Thoughts

15/04/15- This one is a two parter and as the first part is on my phone, which i don't have currently, here is part 2 ?

Go ahead, trash my room, “disown” me, tell me i am of no worth to anyone, make me feel a million times worse. Then you go and turn it all on me, I know im a terrible person, but this is shocking. But, maybe i am that bad. Am I that scummy i don't even deserve food or air? I've been trying to study but with now ripped and crumpled notes and constant yelling aimed at me, it is a bit hard. Everything is going to shit, i know I've said it before, but i mean there is always something. I wonder how long this will go on for. Hopefully not much longer because i think i might just lose the will to live.

#sorry #there is more to come #sadly #rant #cant take this #if only you knew #will probs delete this

Thoughts

14/04/15 - Absolutely yeah, just be a complete bitch, ground me, ignore me, tell me not to come home. That’s great, I really need this right now yknow. What sort of human being behaves like that, I can’t believe you did that to me, I have got enough issues without you going bezerk and trying to get me to leave. Well one day I will, if that pleases you. Like I know I don't matter and that, so its kl if you don't help, but don't make everything a lot worse. Oh, and in other less important news, I the pig, just had to go take that extra slice of pizza, such a fat shit. I honestly hate myself so much for it, for even having pizza at all. Why does my brain do this to me. I instantly wished I could just get it out of my body, and I wish I could but, like with everything I’ve not got the fucking guts. Now I’ve just got to work my arse off at the gym, pray to God it doesn’t put a lot of weight on( which it will) and attempt to not eat tomorrow. Yesterday was quite good though, I was with people I actually want to be around for once, and I was okay for most of it. People can see this now which is probably going to be a bad thing but there we are. Every Time someone says they’re there though, it’s nice, it really is, but I need to actually show that I appreciate people/ their company/ their help which is hard, especially when I can’t speak English practically but Thanks :) Ily - I really do.

#will probs delete this #why do i do things #regrets

Thoughts

11/04/15 - I urgently need help. I can't stop eating and I just can't study. I keep on getting fatter and fatter and sadder and sadder and I just can't. I need someone so badly right now, to calm me down and make me think I'll be fine. Someone please help me now! PLEASE HELP

Thoughts

11/04/15 - What is the point in living anymore? The past few months have just been a constant flow of shit and sad feelings with extremely brief periods of contentment. I can't do this anymore, there is nothing that brings me happiness anymore, so why should I carry on. Like yesterday I still feel like I just can't do anything. I can't get out my bed, I can't study, I can't go to the gym, I can't live. There is literally no point in anything anymore, even breathing. What if I were to end it, yknow would I be finally happy, would I be the same, probably neither. Life would be nothingness, sort of like it is right now, but without my existence and feelings to put me down. Mind you as if this matters. As if I matter. No-one will ever see this, so there is almost no point in me saying this, because it certainly isn't helping. Oh gosh, I'm now just going through my life and thinking about how nothing has any point, why I am I even still here ?

Thoughts

10/04/15 - I just can't. Like I can no longer actual function, and be normal. Right now I feel really quite emotional and sad and done. I'm just completely done with everything. Might as well just give up on life, I just can't carry on anymore. I need someone so bad right now, just someone to be there, to help me keep on going, someone to make feel not so shit. HELP. I know no one will ever so this, but I need someone to support me and help me, and I can't just say to my friends. "Listen, I'm an emotional wreck and I need to you to try and make me okay. Pleeeaaaaasssse" I seriously think now that give it a week or so and I will literally have no friends. I actually contribute Nothing and bring everyone down. I'm not fun or cherry or interesting, so why would anyone want to be friends or be around me anymore? Fuck, it's all going to shit again.

Thoughts

9/04/15 - I'm a really shit person and everything is my own fault. I've came to that conclusion. Everyone, I just get frustrated at and its such a shame. These people are great but I just get so annoyed at everyone over the slightest things and it's so horrible. I'm so judgmental, indecisive and bitter and I hate it. It's like one wee stupid thing and there I go feeling annoyed or left out when I have no right to be, 99% it's just me being a twat or being depressed that's causing it, but Immediately I feel hurt by people when I shouldn't. I just hate who I am. Today my physics teacher said how a lot of people struggle with the first unit and it's because everyone has changed so much since then and like is more committed. And that was a real reminder of back then when I was okay. I never felt like this, I has happy, funny, conversational and just not so fucking depressing to be around. I'm trying to get back to the way I used to be but its hard. I don't know if it's hating my body so much that is all that's holding me back right now or if I've permanently screwed my personality.

Thoughts

3/04/15 - Jesus. Easter literally started today and I can already feel myself ballooning and its devastating. Just want to eat and not get fat, but I could starve for a fucking week and still put on weight so there you are. Also, yesterday went to Manchester, it was not bad, bus journey wasn’t too long or boring, old Trafford was huge and nicer than old our shit Scottish grounds, bus back had some nb bants and tunes but omg. The Trafford Centre. I want to live there, it’s so gorgeous, they had everything, like so much good food and nice shops, and it was so pretty, like everything about it, the marble, the Chinatown/New Orleans food bit, the ceilings, the trees. Honestly, so good. However, thinking again today, wonder when I’m actually going to speak with any of my friends. Today, I spoke to one and it was so briefly. Some of them are doing things, without me of course, but I need to not judge, cos I’m sure there was a reason. But even if there wasn’t, do I have a right to be angry? I mean, have I actually gotten to the stage where I’m so depressing people just avoid me and don’t won’t to be with me, cos I don’t want to be like this! I can’t help it! I want to be with people and be okay! I want to have fun! But no, as if

Thoughts

31/3/15- Well today I woke up and weighed myself as per usual. And for once, I was so happy with it, I really was. It was perfect and it put me in an actually okay mood. But then I come home and do 7 circuits, I really felt the need having not worked out since Thursday, and afterwards I was just left shattered. I had put a lot of weight back on, like so much I was nowhere near what I was and I just ruined my day, can just tell I'm going to feel like shit tomorrow now as well. Once again, the fucking idiot fucks it all up again. What a surprise. I was genuinely pleased with my body and happy for once. BUT NO. It just has to be snatched away from me. Just feel broken down now and like giving up.

Thoughts

27/3/15 What is actually wrong with me? I mean I was with all my friends, everyone having a laugh, I even won stuff in a raffle. Yet, even still I just can’t be happy or have fun. I can barely hold a normal conversation with anyone. I apologise to anyone that was near me tonight, just sitting in silence next to people and providing actual zilch conversation or patter. I’m just so shit to be around and I hate it. My old self seems so far away and I feel like I’ll never be able to be as sociable or fun or able to enjoy myself ever again. Why can’t things be like they used to be and life wouldn’t be so sad and lonely. Why can’t I be a normal person and join in with happiness and fun. How is it I can still after all this time with my great friends feel lonely, I mean often they do care, I feel sort of selfish for feeling so alone in my sadness just because at least I’ve got people.

Also, I did no circuits or running yesterday and I don’t think I’ve got it in me to do any today, so yeah come Monday I’ll probs be fucking obese so yeah, woo (This paragraph was 28/03/15)

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