Difficult decisions in cloudy weather
Even when Bishkek is sunny, the mood always feels grey to me. I canât quite explain why.
Could it be the architecture?
I have been here for about a month and a half now. Upon arriving, I had so many plans of what I would do here. I anticipated that it would be a fulfilling semester that would bring me worlds of knowledge, present me with challenges and allow myself to be immersed in a new culture. So far, I have experienced many things; food, language, culture. I have been presented with the opportunity to take classes that are deeply of interest to me and pursue an internship with an organization that does the most inspiring work I have ever known. I have gone skiing and hiking in the mountains, taken brief trips to the bazaar, managed to find coffee shops that feel like home. Iâve had miscommunication due to language barriers, Iâve been ripped off by taxi drivers, and Iâve affirmed my vegetarianism for good now. Â
I still eat fish though
Sometimes I even roamed the streets and people watched. However something began to shift in my thinking early on that has caused me to be really unhappy here. People watching turned into paranoia, loud noises caused me to feel unsafe, and my imagination went from productive idea building to expecting the worst possible scenarios. The idea of culture shock swallowed me and made me disillusioned. I started building my own reality of what things are like here based off of cultural biases and what is fed to me (or perhaps what I obsessively though unwantingly sought out) in the news-media. My open-mindedness that I brought along with me became more and more closed. I stopped going to classes and wanting to socialize. I spent my weekends binge watching RuPaulâs Drag Race and lost my appetite. Iâve never felt so separated from myself in my 22 years of life and let me tell you that having to go through all of this abroad was so terrifying.
This negativity took me by surprise-- you would think that being in a new place one would be full of curiosity and want to get out and do things in hopes of getting the most out of the experience. This is what I truly wanted for myself and was my sole purpose of coming here. Not to mention that I invested a lot of time, energy and money to come and do school work at AUCA. But unfortunately, any sort of break in oneâs well-being is unpredictable and often arrive ill-timed. Coming halfway across the world and suddenly feeling low is a very, very inconvenient moment. So this is one of those moments where Iâve had to ask myself if it is worth it to stay here and suffer through 3 months of not feeling myself and slacking off, Â or if I should be seeking the support that I truly need in an environment that feels calm and comfortable. I had to ask myself what I am willing to sacrifice. And the truth is I am simply not willing to let my well-being dwindle especially when I am so far away from home.
I have written the highlights of my time here on this blog, and now I am speaking to a more vulnerable experience that is challenging to share publicly. The last time I experienced a similar intensity of feelings, I did not reach out for the help and support that truly needed. The consequence of that time was I didnât develop tactics that would allow me to deal with these things in the long run. While it is easy to dwell on what I didnât do to make myself feel better four years ago, I am also grateful to be able to recognize what I can do differently this time. It is an opportunity to learn, not a failure to myself.
So, to cut to the chase, I am coming home to Canada. Of course I am going to have regrets about leaving; there are many things I did not get to see or experience while I was in Kyrgyzstan. I am going to miss my host parents so very deeply, they are truly my second set of parents. I was so sad to say goodbye to my internship also, that was actually one thing that was holding me back the most. I met some really really awesome people who I connected with and wish I could have shown them a better side of me. They have all been SO incredibly supportive and understanding. And overall, I will most likely feel sometimes that I âgave upâ an amazing opportunity. I have come to believe though that this is not giving up, it is really just understanding what experiences are necessary to actually point you in the right direction. Intuitively I felt like I needed to go to Kyrgyzstan for some reason. At first the reason for going there seemed like it was to do a school exchange in a neat place. But really the reason turned into realizing that there is a greater path or opportunity for healing that I was ready to be met with.
Cholpon and Beckbolot, I love you Mom and Dad #2 !
My anxious brain is both a blessing and a curse. On one hand, I can create, imagine and explore new worlds that might not be possible. I can visually produce things that are extraordinary or exhaust myself through brainstorming. While on the other hand it stretches to corners of my brain that I would rather not like to go to. The next step for me is understanding when the positive or negative parts will be useful in certain situations or not.
While I am back home, I am committed to finding the outlets I need to help ground myself again. AND luckily I still get to work on my courses at AUCA through distance learning which will move me closer to graduating :) Also while I am home, if anyone wants to talk, hangout, go on some walks in the forest, maybe take a trip or two somewhere, please hit me up. And donât feel shy to ask me about my experience because talking about mental health is important and I am committed to finding ways to decreasing stigma around this topic. I like to be open because it helps me to feel better and I hope that sharing your stories with me will also help you to feel a sense of release.
On my last day at my internship I got to try on some clothes that one of my co-workers made. They were inspired by traditional Kyrgyz clothing, I am so impressed by her work!
Sending love and wonderful vibes to everyone back at AUCA and in Bishkek. Canât wait to see folks from home real soon. Thank you for reading and if anyone wants to buy this domain name from me for $19.99 I accept cash or credit card only.
Peace yâall!
One last Slav Squat












