Somewhat Beautiful Sadness

what i couldn't say out loud or write anywhere else. my safe haven to explore and express this somewhat beautiful sadness you have brought me

[somewhatbeautifulsadness]

For my timeline.... finally, I think I drew the last straw. Last Black Friday was the saddest I've ever been and I think I finally took hold of the courage to fully let her go. She might have disappointed me for the last time and I can't put myself in that situation anymore. I already talked to someone else and we've already seen each other twice already. It's been great and she's been helping me forget her. I've even dropped hints in social media that I've moved on already. She'll get the message one way or another. Meanwhile, here I am still crying buckets while listening to this song on repeat....

[somewhatbeautifulsadness]

Yesterday, we stayed on a call working for 2 and half hours...

[somewhatbeautifulsadness]

Dear you, I love you. Just talk to me. Please just talk to me.

[somewhatbeautifulsadness]

Red flags... I see them. I know they are there.

[somewhatbeautifulsadness]

It's valentine's day and a lot has already happened.

Just had a thought that caused me some extreme sadness.

"If I don't message you first, I would never hear from you.

If I don't ask you, you wouldn't come .

Perhaps, if I disappear in your life right now, you wouldn't miss me at all.

I may be no one special, I'm just passing by."

[somewhatbeautifulsadness]

And then suddenly... my son's guitar class started on a new song and it is this. I've been asking for a sign since I've been in the deepest of dumps lately. This earned a place in my playlist since I heard you sing this unconsciously while we were walking across a street

[somewhatbeautifulsadness]

My song for the week. Healling alone sucks and I could only soothe myself with Rihanna telling me she'll kiss my hurt better...

[somewhatbeautifulsadness]

I hate you and your georgous legs...

I downloaded the video on my dashcam and reviewed our conversations while driving you home.

The past couple of days have been meh but last Monday, I saw you staring at me with that smile... the same look and smile I was doing at you the previous week when I just couldn't help but be amazed by you. You really do kond of mimic me.

I almost told you yesterday about my relationship status but I still couldn't. I told you "some other time" and that "I'm not yet ready." I wonder what you thought of that...

[somewhatbeautifulsadness]

This morning I was crying over the fact that you might be interested in that guy we went out with last night and now I'm feeling hopeful again because you've been reviewing my stories and heart-ing them (you never do before).

It has been a 24 hour roller coaster... We were supposed to go to a party but you said you changed your mind. Then you changed your mind and came. You were always sitting beside me or your friend would move so that we sit together. I got affected when a mutual friend started teasing you and that guy together. Even more so during the afterparty. On the way home while I was driving you I told you that he likes you and you said you didn't notice.

We talked about so many things, I can sense that you're trying to know my actual relationship status, which I know has been foggy for people for sometime now.

I still somehow can't bring myself to tell you that I'm separated. I guess I'm afraid that things between us will change. I deperately want you to want me for me, not because of my relationship status. But maybe that's foolish thinking.

I told myself I couldn't bear the thought of seeing you walk away in the arms of some lucky guy. It hurts so much to think about that I am thinking of distancing myself again.

When I got home, I couldn't stop crying in the car. I'm so afraid to know what your real intentions are. What if you just really want to be friends? I know I said I want that but I didn't know it would hurt this much.

[somewhatbeautifulsadness]

I just realized why I'm hurting this much. Last night, I felt like an option. And I told myself I won't settle for that anymore. No matter how strongly how I feel for the person. I don't deserve that.

[somewhatbeautifulsadness]

This morning I was crying over the fact that you might be interested in that guy we went out with last night and now I'm feeling hopeful again because you've been reviewing my stories and heart-ing them (you never do before).

It has been a 24 hour roller coaster... We were supposed to go to a party but you said you changed your mind. Then you changed your mind and came. You were always sitting beside me or your friend would move so that we sit together. I got affected when a mutual friend started teasing you and that guy together. Even more so during the afterparty. On the way home while I was driving you I told you that he likes you and you said you didn't notice.

We talked about so many things, I can sense that you're trying to know my actual relationship status, which I know has been foggy for people for sometime now.

I still somehow can't bring myself to tell you that I'm separated. I guess I'm afraid that things between us will change. I deperately want you to want me for me, not because I'm available. But maybe that's foolish thinking.

I told myself I couldn't bear the thought of seeing you walk away in the arms of some lucky guy. It hurts so much to think about that I am thinking of distancing myself again.

When I got home, I couldn't stop crying in the car. I'm so afraid to know what your real intentions are. What if you just really want to be friends? I know I said I want that but I didn't know it would hurt this much.

[somewhatbeautifulsadness]

Took you home today and got to know you deeper. Now I understand why you're hot and cold.

[somewhatbeautifulsadness]

Aaand.... I'm obsessing over you again.

You looked very beatiful today. Despite me trying to just be normal. I even had coffee with Japan girl and we had a nice conversation.

You seem to be caring and sweet to me, to everyone. Even our Boss commented on it.

I remember another moment the other day when you offered to walk me to the my important meeting (so that you can bring the coffee and donuts).

You seem to be eager to go out this weekend and you were making some work related excuse.

If only I could let you know you can ask me out any time.

My song for the day

[somewhatbeautifulsadness]

Last night, I had the idea to show you my pics with Japan girl and ask you what you think. Partly because I want to see if you feel even the slightest jealousy and if not, then, at least I have a friend I can talk to about these things.

First of all, all the times I've stared at your messenger status and seeing you're offline, I thought you really were offline. But there you were, replying right away when I sent a message? Dunno really how that works.

As usual, you're responses were on point. Logical and did not convey anything.

But today, you went with me for a smoke. You never did that before while we're in the office. Of course, you went on talking about your favorite films and books and how when you were young you didn't care about boys courting you, you just want to read. How you're mom feared you will end up a spinster.

True to my promise to myself, I started treating her as a friend. It felt light and breezy. It felt freeing.

I still want her, but I won't be (I'll try not to be) too obsessed anymore. Either way it goes, I like her to be my friend. If I am that to her then so be it.

[somewhatbeautifulsadness]

Aaand in other news, this girl from Japan same to our office also today. Someone I found quite attractive before. When she arrived we hugged and it felt she hugged me longer and tighter.

I took her for lunch as a work obligation and had her try out some local food. We had a nice, personal comversation as we usually do. We took some pics together.

And somehow... the pics feel different? She came over to sit beside me, put her arms around me and we took the most gf/bf looking pic eating at a restaurant.

Where could this lead to?

[somewhatbeautifulsadness]

I am no one's second choice nor am I anyone's back up plan.

[somewhatbeautifulsadness]

This is something I wrote in the moment and I want to expound this. I saw the way she looked at me, after she said he wasn't his type at all. Like she was... disappointed. Disappointed that I looked better? Been thinking about this for sometime. I think... she's really straight. Don't even know if she's bicurious. It's just that at that moment I felt like a second choice or something.

So, I decided to hold on to this thought... even if she becomes interested in the future I'm not gonna try to convert her. I'm past that now. I'm not gonna settle for, "I found no one else so you'll do." No siree.

Besides, I think in the end, she may only want me to be her friend. Or at least, have friends. I know she needs that. She even casually invited me to Japan this July, after hearing a converasation I had with said guy.

Me: [calls her name]

Her: "Po?"

Me: "po ka jan"

Her: [corrects herself]

Again with that bit.

It's like you notice and respond to our nuances and yet it seems like you don't notice me at all. You hardly look at me and you don't often look at my socmed posts.

The difference between platonic love and romantic love is obsession, according to neuroscience. I was definitely getting obsessed over you. But you don't seem to be too concerned about me.

[somewhatbeautifulsadness]

Today... that guy that you said looks good on virtual meetings came to the office and you will see him for the first time in person. Of course, had to step up my game and make sure I don't look like a piece of garbage compared to him. Put my dapper on (I know you like dapper guys) and... mission accomplished. You were underwhelmed by him and even he keeps commenting sharp I look.

[somewhatbeautifulsadness]

I am no one's second choice nor am I anyone's back up plan.