Her Poetry

I swear I'm not actually as sad as I seem || Poetry by me

[somewhereinyourorbit]

Ode of Apologies

TW: mention of s*xual assault

.

To my ex-boyfriends

and guys I casually dated

I would like to say

I'm sorry

.

I did not know what I wanted

or whom I wanted

I did not know who I was

.

To the guys I casually dated

I'm sorry

that I was lonely

instead of in love

that I was only able to feel resentment afterwards

because deep down I knew all along

I didn't want you

I just didn't want to be alone

and you happened to be there

and say the things you said

to make me feel good about myself for once

.

To my ex-boyfriends

I want to tell you

that I forgive you

and I hope that you and your families can forgive me too

not that I should care

I'm trying to be okay with being the villain in your story

to be the villain in your mother's eyes

I just hope that someday you have the guts to tell her about what you did to me

so that she sees I'm not the only villain in our story

but I doubt that

.

I am also grateful

in a way

for the trauma you put me through

because otherwise I wouldn't know who I am

or what I want

My goals wouldn't be the same

So thank you for making me able to turn trauma into humour

For giving me material to write about

For helping me realise that happiness is my priority, not love

Thank you for forcing me to find my own dreams to chase

.

And while I was a victim

I was also the villain

Sometimes even both at the same time

But I don't want to be either of those

I don't want to manipulate people or talk them down to get what I want ever again

neither do I want to be lied to, cheated on or r*ped ever again

.

I know what I did wrong

And I know how to work on it

I hope you guys figured that out too

I have no more space in this little heart of mine to carry any hate for you

Nor do I have the space to carry my resentment for the mistakes I made

.

I will be stronger

I will be neither hero nor abuser

I will be neither victim nor villain

I will be who I should have been all along.

[somewhereinyourorbit]

Of Broken Things

Once upon an infinite yesterday

when I least expected it

you came along

and I took notice of you

.

You sat down quietly

and just smiled at me

I smiled too

and continued to tend to the flowers in my heart

.

I turned my back on you

not noticing how you didn't lose your smile

how you caught me that night when I tripped

and almost fell

.

and we laughed

and I wondered what it would be like

how blessed one would be

to hear your laugh for the rest of their life

.

Slowly but steadily

you made yourself at home

in this withering garden of a heart

that I tend to ever so carefully

.

Your smile sends sunshine through my veins

and when I thought my garden was beyond repair

you showed me that broken things can be fixed

and it's okay to simply exist

.

You slipped in quietly

with such ease

and with you came peace

and you calmed my most nervous parts

.

I didn't even notice how you settled in

how you carved the colour green onto every flowerbed

I didn't notice

that all of a sudden cherry blossoms were the harmony playing in my soul

.

And worst of all

I don't want us to part

but I don't know if I dared

settling in your heart

[somewhereinyourorbit]

Autumnal Home

Take me to a place

where the leaves are always red

the air is always crisp

.

A place where we can watch the sunrises

and the sunsets over the mountains

with a hot cup of coffee

.

Take me to a place

where we play hide and seek in the woods

and get lost in our laughter

.

A place where I can bake

cinnamon buns and pumpkin pies

and dance around the kitchen at night

.

I want to leave

to a place where the air is cold

with jumpers and fluffy socks to keep me warm

.

A place where you kiss me with your eyes closed

and I can feel your smiling lips against my skin

A place I can call my own

A place I can call home

.

Because your arms feel like autumn

[somewhereinyourorbit]

Is it r*pe? (TW)

TW: Sexual assault

.

Is it r*pe

when you said yes

but actually meant no

actually meant you are not ready

actually meant you are scared to say no

actually meant you don't want him to break up with you when you say no

because he said there is no relationship without s*x

.

Is it r*pe

when you were in so much pain

you closed your eyes

waiting for it to be over

because you didn't want him to leave you

because you were trying to tell yourself

this is normal

this is the right thing to do even if you don't want it

.

If any girl would ask me that question

I would scream at them

YES

OF COURSE

Consent is not making the other person scared to say no

.

Yet I don't consider myself a s*xual assault survivor

I don't consider myself a r*pe victim

Because I'm not haunted by vivid flashbacks

But every once in a while that memory reappears

And I get this bad,

uncomfortable feeling

And I push it away

Refuse to think about it

Refuse to deal with it

.

Because we were young and stupid

right?

Is that an excuse for what happened?

I can't even say for what he did

because did he do anything

bad?

Is it bad that he did something indirectly?

Was he aware?

Was it his intention?

Am I looking for excuses he can use

So I don't have to call it r*pe?

.

Is it r*pe?

If I'm scared to be exaggerating

if I'm scared that people belittle me

call me a liar

make fun of me

because what if it isn't r*pe?

What if I brought this on myself?

What if they say

That I should say no

even if I'm scared of the consequences

Is it r*pe?

If he didn't force me

directly

physically

But I felt forced

mentally

I could've said no from the start

But I was too scared

So, when I said no

When I said stop

Why didn't you stop?

Why didn't you listen?

Why did you tell me I'm okay

when I told you I'm not

and to stop

Why did I have to start crying

until my tears almost drowned me

for you to stop?

I should've said no

from the start

But if I had,

would you even have stopped?

does it matter?

is it r*pe?

Is it r*pe?

when I'm already asking the question

Would I be asking if it wasn't?

Was it r*pe?

Was I r*ped?

[somewhereinyourorbit]

Warm Milk

Today is a warm milk kind of day

because hot milk burns my tongue

and I don't like extremes

.

Barely anyone knows what I mean

when I say that

it's a warm milk kind of day

.

Because people usually don't listen

when I try to explain

that there's more to it

.

Because when I say today

is a warm milk kind of day

it means I'm having a really bad day

.

When I was younger and sad

and I didn't know why and couldn't sleep

I sat on the couch with my Dad

.

Usually I wasn't allowed to stay up late

during school nights

But we both knew I wasn't okay

.

And we both can't talk about our emotions

And we both knew I didn't know how to ask for help

So he told me to grab some food and make warm milk

.

And on several bad nights we sat on the couch

in complete silence

and watched a show he didn't even like

.

And I clung onto that cup of warm milk

for warmth and security

Which I was lacking

.

On foggy and cold days

On days I am confused and sad

I still hold onto a cup of warm milk for comfort and safety

.

I feel so out of reach with everything

and from everyone on days like today

So I hold onto that cup of warm milk

as my safe haven

[somewhereinyourorbit]

Smallness & Patience

For as long as I remember

I wanted to be small

and delicate

I wanted thin limbs

and my facial bone structure to show

I wanted to be light

blend in with the crowd

so no one notices me

negatively

I think it's because

I feel small in every regard

apart from my body's size

because;

I can't communicate my feelings

I'm not very disciplined

I cry easily

My art never turns out the way I want it to

I'm not pretty

My head and heart are in a constant battle

And somedays I don't even know who I am

I feel small because I can't write the way I want to

My poems don't sound like works of art

but like mere attempts of a confused child

trying to tell the world what is wrong

I feel small because my parents expect the highest achievements

even if it means losing myself in the process

and when I made it

when I got that perfect score in uni

for which I have worked so hard

despite pulling out my hair

and screaming in pillows

or crying on the kitchen floor

they don't smile

they don't even look up

because

"Of course. You are our daughter

and we expect nothing less"

I feel small because I have so many interests

that I can't keep up with any of them

and I'm not good at anything

or everything

and I don't know which of these interests I picked up

because of me

or because of who I wanted to be

I feel small because I don't want anyone to look at me

and see the things I see

in the mirror or in the windows of shops I quietly slip past

shops I want to go into to

but can't

because I don't look pretty

and people will judge me

or worse

I will judge me

for not fitting into clothes

and for eating instead of working out

I feel small because I don't have anything

that I could use in a job interview as a good quality

except for that I am patient

just not with myself

I am patient with the people around me

because I make mistakes all the time

And I can forgive a guy a million times

for the same shitty thing

but I can't forgive myself for not learning anything

[somewhereinyourorbit]

Take Me to Where There's Magic Left

Do you think

Magic still exists?

A world full of wonders

and adventures?

Do you think

there are brave people

who fight sorcerers

or hunt monsters?

Do you think

we can be one of them?

Fall down a rabbit hole

into a world full of magic?

I have the constant urge

to be more

see more -

there is something out there.

Something in a deep slumber

waiting to be awoken.

[somewhereinyourorbit]

The loud Girl

Tonight

I had to draw the difference

between a relaxed muscle

and a contracted one

Before that

I texted my friend about migraine triggers

And how I need to eat something

In between classes on long uni days

but can't

because I feel insecure

And she messaged me

Saying that we need to change something

So she introduced a little game

- At what point I had no idea

where this was going -

We had to describe what we love about each other

in one word

I struggled with that

I'm quite a wordy person

If you ask me what I love about you

I can talk the stars down from the sky

I can talk until Autumn turns to Winter

I can talk while the world is crumbling around us

I can fill pages

whole books even

With all the things I love about you

But when you ask me to describe what I love in only one word

I fail to do so

Because one word does not come close

to who you are

and how the world gets to see you smile

and starts smiling with you

But we played that game

- at which I was really bad -

and then she said

we have to swap roles

and start listing things we love

about ourselves

You might think this was obvious

But honestly,

I didn't see that coming;

I was just happy to tell her

things I like about her

There was a twist though

She said I had to use the same tone

when talking about myself

that I used when I talked about her

But I didn't know how to do that.

She said

that I like to write

and that I'm good at it

But I only ever write about

past trauma

and

that the world sucks

Although that's not true,

this one's for you.

For the loud girl

who showed me that it's all about perspective

The girl who said

at the end of the day

I only have myself

That she thinks I'm strong

and although there were sticks and stones

in my path

I kicked them away in my 'cute boots'

- That part actually made me laugh -

The happy girl

who didn't have to tell me

all of these things

The girl who made me cry

while working on scientific drawings

of muscles

The pretty girl

who makes being loud

a positive thing

The girl who makes the world

a bit better

Just by living in it

The clumsy girl

who will make the most amazing

and empathetic teacher

The girl who will find a boy

who deserves her love

and who shows her what it is like

to be truly loved

The kind girl

who knows what to say

when you're not feeling okay

The girl who knows how to say

what you need to hear

when you don't know how to ask for it.

The trusting girl

who believes in the good in people

and that everything will fall into place.

The girl who asked me

what will be left at the end of the day

when I've exhausted myself beyond repair.

The faithful girl

who makes everyone around her laugh

The girl who has the most amazing sense of style

and impeccable music taste

The bubbly girl

who is so real

and an amazing plant mother

The girl who told me

to trust in the world

and myself

The smart girl

who works hard

and plays hard

The girl who makes her notes

look so pretty

The girl

who told me I was enough

and for a little while

I felt like I might be.

So thank you.

[somewhereinyourorbit]

I Am Real

You said

That I always laugh

Even when I'm crying

You knew precisely

That I don't check for the ingredients

But for the calories

when I look at the back of food items

I'm still struggling to realise

that I exist in people's minds

when I'm not standing right before them

or sending them text messages

I'm still struggling to realise

that people notice me

and the things I do

when I don't think anyone notices me

Ever

[somewhereinyourorbit]

Calm Before The Storm

The most gentle parts of my soul

Were created by bitter violence

There was never a calm before the storm

of my experiences;

I've never known peace and quiet

But rather raging wars in my mind

My mind against itself

And the people whom I have given water

Poured oil into the fires burning down my soul

After all it seems

The calm comes after the storm

When the fires are crackling quietly

The screams turned to silent weeps

And when the damage has been done

We pick up the pieces

After the storm

Is a deafening silence

It turns homes into graveyards

And laughter into solitude

Through hate, I learned to be loving

Through abuse, I learned to be gentle

The quiet waters of my mind are deep

And near the bottom of it

The wars have never quite stopped

A vicious reminder

And so, the most gentle parts of my soul

Were created by bitter violence.

[somewhereinyourorbit]

In a Universe Where We See Souls Instead of Bodies

Can you imagine

What it would be like to see souls

Instead of bodies?

The shy girl

with the kind heart

and the artsy personality

Would be so much more beautiful

Than the girl who doesn't care about an education

Who looks down on artsy girls

Who wants to be a trophy wife

Who cares about nothing more than having

A skinny and fragile figure

lots of make-up on

A soul is not something you can modify

How amazing would it be

To see souls

Instead of bodies

Because all of a sudden the boy with the amazing humour

Who's a little chubby but not fat

Who gets called fat though

Who has the most beautiful laugh

Is so much more handsome

Than the rapist with a sixpack

Who doesn't take no for an answer

Who doesn't give a shit about feminism

Who only wants to look good

Who hides his true identity really well

That's a world I would like to live in

Not because I'm bitter

Over not being blessed with beauty

But because I'm sick of the popular people

Who make it their job to tear everyone else down

I know there are people with "perfect" bodies AND kind hearts

But there is too little of them

In a different universe

where we see souls instead of bodies

There would be no hiding how bad and malicious some people's intentions are

There would be no hiding how much some people don't care about anything but themselves

But then again

I guess that would make things too easy.

[somewhereinyourorbit]

To All The Boys I Met On Tinder

To all the boys I met on Tinder

and then ditched before ever meeting them

in real life

I'm sorry

It's not that I didn't want to meet you

It's just not that easy when you look like me

Everytime I agreed to go on a date

It took me a lot of courage

And with every passing day before the date

it kept on getting harder and harder to keep up the courage

cause it was getting smaller and smaller

So I chickened out

Before you start throwing popcorn at me

which I very well deserve for wasting your time

I just want to tell you that

it wasn't my intention to waste your time

And when I said yes to the date

I meant it

In that moment I was convinced to meet you

You're probably wondering

"Why didn't you just go on that stupid date?

What could have been the worst to happen?"

I'm glad you asked that question

The worst would have been that you're disgusted by me, you laugh at me and call me all those things I was afraid that you'd see in me because I see these things in the mirror

which then in turn would result in me having a complete and utter breakdown and my self-esteem would have been crushed beyond repair

because there is lots and lots about biomes, autapomorphisms, text structures, and the duality of life in Jekyll and Hyde in this brain of mine

but not an ounce of self-love

So believe me when I say that

I was happy and excited to meet you

I was really looking forward to our date

and getting to know you in person

That is until I walked past a mirror

and it shattered my courage

So I'm sorry for not being able to pick up the pieces.

[somewhereinyourorbit]

Valentine's Day

I decided to get a hamster

because the silence when I come home

is drowning me

But everything seems to be going wrong

and pointing towards the fact

that maybe it's just not meant to be

Maybe I'm not supposed to have

a fluffy little companion to talk to

When words are starting to spill out of me

like an overfilling pot in the sink

And it has got me thinking

You know how people say

Just because you desperately want something

doesn't mean you're meant to have it

And it made me think about my parents

who desperately tried to conceive me

for several years

So maybe I wasn't meant to be here at all

Maybe that's what all those signs of the universe are pointing towards

Or maybe it's just my mind

playing tricks on me again

I just don't know how to tell anymore

But what if I am the extra one

like in Another?

What if I'm practically dead

and I just don't know it yet?

What if I am not meant to be here?

Maybe that's why I can't find anyone to hold me at night

when I wake up from all of my nightmares

Or maybe the one I'm supposed to be with

isn't here because he ended things already

and left me behind

So maybe

I shouldn't get a hamster

because what if he won't be happy?

what if I just destroy everything I touch?

Because what other purpose could

an extra one have?

[somewhereinyourorbit]

Almost

People have asked me

"What is one word that would describe you?"

And all I could ever think of is

"Almost"

Because I'm almost an artist

I'm almost pretty

Almost funny

Almost

good enough

but not quite

I'm not there yet

I don't think I'll ever be

No

I don't know if I'll ever be

Think positive, right?

But that's easier said than done when you have

A happy personality

with a sad soul

A dog personality with a

Cat mentality

Always torn between so many emotions

Never able to show them

There,

another almost

I'm almost emotional

Because I have a thousand different emotions

I feel them

So strong

But I can't show them

I can't express my emotions

I've never learned how to

When I try to talk about it

My mind goes blank

I open my mouth

Nothing comes out

Maybe that's why I'm only almost an artist

I try so hard

To write poetry that moves people

Makes them feel something

Makes them feel alive

But I don't know how to transfer emotions

All I can do is turn my trauma into humour

That's all I've ever done in my poetry

Maybe that's why I'm only almost funny

Cause I'm not good at making jokes

But I do know how to joke about everything that

Has hurt me

Everything that hurts me

So people don't know

I'm suffering

Still

[somewhereinyourorbit]

The Sun's Lover

What if I tell you

that Icarus was not naive

he wasn't the personification of reckless youth

but he was ready to become a legend.

To risk it all for that one moment of love

of freedom

of having it all

His father gave him wings, who couldn't carry him where he needed to go

Daedalus couldn't understand

Though he tried

But Icarus wasn't like his father

He wasn't satisfied with just surviving

He wanted to live

Reach for the Sun

For happiness and warmth

And he did

He touched the sun

For a few seconds

Ever so softly

Until the sun melted his wings

and scorched his skin

Why does love have to burn you alive?

The sea caught him

Stopped the burning

Eased his pain

And swallowed him whole

Why do you lose yourself in love?

Icarus wasn't naive

He wasn't reckless

He knew he might die

But the risk was worth it

When he fell

He wasn't falling from grace

He was falling into a dark embrace

with a smirk on his face

I, too, will touch the sun

or, like Icarus, I will die trying

[somewhereinyourorbit]

Demons

My demons are not what you think

They're not violent voices

They whisper softly in my ear at night

Making me lose sleep

Their hugs are cold as ice

When they try to comfort me

Their bony fingers grip my throat tightly

When I want to disagree with them

My demons are always there

Like a shadow accompanying me

Sometimes they are all I have

All I can count on to be there at the end of the day

And I really want to let go of them

I want to want that they go

But if they go

What would I be left with

Could I fall asleep without their quiet whisper?

telling me about all of the mistakes I've made during the day

that I need to do better tomorrow

eat less

and work more

I'm struggling to see just how bad they are

I don't want them to go

Because I haven't accepted myself yet

I want them to trigger me

I want to be worse again

Because then I can write good poems

Because then I'm most productive with Uni and cleaning

Because then I'm losing weight

Because then I'm happier

although I'm the saddest I can be

And I'm struggling to see.

[somewhereinyourorbit]

Hope

I remember driving over a bridge with a window front

that way you could see the river

And my Dad pointed out all of the broken windows

like it is a shame

And I couldn't help but notice

how the broken windows were shining so much brighter

and so much prettier in the sun

Like they were trying extra hard

to be enough for us people passing by

So maybe being broken

isn't the worst thing after all.