Ode of Apologies
TW: mention of s*xual assault
.
To my ex-boyfriends
and guys I casually dated
I would like to say
I'm sorry
.
I did not know what I wanted
or whom I wanted
I did not know who I was
.
To the guys I casually dated
I'm sorry
that I was lonely
instead of in love
that I was only able to feel resentment afterwards
because deep down I knew all along
I didn't want you
I just didn't want to be alone
and you happened to be there
and say the things you said
to make me feel good about myself for once
.
To my ex-boyfriends
I want to tell you
that I forgive you
and I hope that you and your families can forgive me too
not that I should care
I'm trying to be okay with being the villain in your story
to be the villain in your mother's eyes
I just hope that someday you have the guts to tell her about what you did to me
so that she sees I'm not the only villain in our story
but I doubt that
.
I am also grateful
in a way
for the trauma you put me through
because otherwise I wouldn't know who I am
or what I want
My goals wouldn't be the same
So thank you for making me able to turn trauma into humour
For giving me material to write about
For helping me realise that happiness is my priority, not love
Thank you for forcing me to find my own dreams to chase
.
And while I was a victim
I was also the villain
Sometimes even both at the same time
But I don't want to be either of those
I don't want to manipulate people or talk them down to get what I want ever again
neither do I want to be lied to, cheated on or r*ped ever again
.
I know what I did wrong
And I know how to work on it
I hope you guys figured that out too
I have no more space in this little heart of mine to carry any hate for you
Nor do I have the space to carry my resentment for the mistakes I made
.
I will be stronger
I will be neither hero nor abuser
I will be neither victim nor villain
I will be who I should have been all along.












