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I’m stuck

In between floating

And falling

Inside a space

Of darkness

And stillness

Of grief

And loneliness

No one

Can ever find

I’ll be here

Again

Next year

But I wish

It would stop

Somewhere

Next year

Akala ko hindi na ako maapektuhan ng mga concerns ko sa work at friendships just because I had it worse.

Pero sa totoo lang, these things might seem little or smaller but in actuality, they hurt even more. Just like how a paper cut can cause a wound deeper than it should be.

Maybe it’s because my soul is already crushed. And I don’t know how much more I can take.

Yes, it still hurts. And it hurts even more now.

I wish I have the strength to kill myself like he did.

Everyone thought that when someone kills himself, he is a coward but it is more of an act of courage than anything else. It takes fearlessness to actually commit, bypassing every cells of our mind and body that are trying to protect us from dying.

My life was over along with his. I tried to live so that no one else can feel how painful it is to lose someone to suicide. But no matter how hard I tried, I fail all the time. I thought that getting lost in the wilderness is only for a season like it is in the bible. Now, I know that the wilderness is my whole life. There’s nothing I can do but to surrender to a life that will never get better.

I’m afraid that if I tried even killing myself, I will also fail that too. True suffering only exists in this world. Before birth and after death, there’s only peace and rest. Maybe living in misery is only right for someone who killed the person who love her the most.

Lately, I have been thinking that maybe, he made the right decision to end his life. Even though I believe in him and his future, I still think that he’s better not suffering anymore. He’s so much happier than when he was here on earth. He’s home in his soul now, in a world with no anger, regret, depression, and sadness. He can do whatever he wants and be whatever he wants. Isn’t that the ultimate dream?

I hope that someday, I’ll find my way out too, whatever that means. Because I believe that this pain will be with me for the rest of my life, and I don’t know how long I can suffer for it.

remaining years (if there’s any)

youtube algorithm

Hilig ko talagang manood ng mga video essays at podcasts sa YouTube. Madalas kong pinakikinggan yung mga topics ng pop culture, generations, movie and series commentaries, and anything self-help or psychology related topics. Nakikinig ako kapag nagwwork or kapag gusto kong makinig ng kahit ano kapag ayoko mag-open ng Spotify.

Nung nakilala ko ang boyfriend ko, he introduced birth chart reading to me. He started with pulling up our compatibility chart. I kind of knew what he did and I started wondering if he likes me. But the way he studied me through birth chart made me feel seen and appreciated in a way. So, to connect with him, I dipped my toes into this topic with the help of YouTube.

Kaya nung namatay siya, I started studying how to cope with suicide loss. Sa dami ng videos na pinapanood ko na may “suicide” sa title, marami na ring sinasuggest ang YouTube sakin na videos ng mga suicide attempt survivors.

They always say the same thing. That people think of killing themselves when they start losing hope. And it means everything to a person. Without hope, life is not worth living. They attempt and somehow get saved or their attempt failed. Then they will realize that they don’t really want to die. They just want to end their pain.

Sabi rin nila na no one can stop them once they have decided to do it. It helps to know what my boyfriend went through before he died. But imagining the pain he was in to go that far and hurt himself in a violent manner, it shreds me to pieces.

When you get into a fight with the person you love and they died, it relinquishes all hope for repair and reconciliation. Lahat ng narealize kong pagkakamali ko after he died, hindi ko na maitatama o mababawi dahil wala na siya. Everything stopped after he died including my life. I never felt this stuck and even when I want to find hope, it will never exist anymore. I have no choice but to live in unending guilt and regret.

While watching the suicide attempters tell people not to kill themselves, I started to wonder for whom I am watching this for. It started with curiosity and wanting to understand my boyfriend but somehow, it ended up with me listening to their plea.

your spirit is not yet ready

I had this dream where I badly needed some advice. I was looking for a reader who can understand tarot cards or akashic records or past life or a medium who can tell me what went wrong in my last relationship. I want someone to tell me how much I messed up for leaving besides the fact that my boyfriend killed himself. Or maybe how good that decision is just to alleviate some of my misery. I just want to understand what happened if that’s possible.

I was in front of a laptop when an unrecognized skinny man appeared. In the screen was his table and chair, a typical set-up of online tarot card readers. He then said a lot of things I can’t remember anymore except this one sentence. It’s stuck with me because I felt so devastated after hearing it.

After he died, I never felt death so close to me. And sometimes, I wish it gets closer. If it is a possibility for him, then it is for everyone including me. Because right now, I can’t see any light in my life. I know that life is short but it feels like so far away.

I just can’t live anymore. I can’t be happy anyway. That’s why I felt devastated when he said,

Your spirit is not yet ready.

Kapalaran

Minsan nattempt akong magtanong sa mga psychic at tarot card readers kung magiging okay pa ba ako o kung may magmamahal pa sakin, magiging masaya pa ba ako ulit o may future pa ba ako.

Pero alam mo, sa totoo lang, ayokong sabihin nila na meron pa kong pag-asa sa buhay. Nasa point na ako ng buhay ko na pakiramdam ko hindi ko deserve kahit alin sa mga tinanong ko.

I gave up on the person I love so he killed himself. So I’ll understand if the world gives up on me too. Because I don’t know if there’s still life after him. Maybe I’ll never get there now.

Forgive yourself

Was never a step for me but rather, a destination.

People keep throwing that at me like a band-aid to a bleeding heart. But after what happened, I can now see how difficult it is to accept good things in life…

When all you know is how much you hate yourself.

And I never hated myself as much as I do now. Maybe I’m closer to my demise. It really felt like that.

The Story

My boyfriend completed a suicide he planned way back before we met and the trigger was our break-up. It was almost a month ago when I decided to restrict him on Facebook so he could not see that I could read his messages. Even after the break-up, I was still worried about him but failed to let him know that. 24 hours after our painful talk, he ended his life. He felt so abandoned and a burden to his loved ones because of what I said. I spoke with a medium to reach out to him and he said the same things people who transitioned say. But the guilt is still with me because I hurt the one I love so much that he chose death to end things. This man used to be afraid of dying and of his brain tumor coming back to take him (he had them twice). I had so many chances to stop him that day but didn't take it. I've done a great sin to the person who lived here. I don't know how to move forward with that, and I have been thinking of following him. Even though he says it's been planned, he wouldn't have executed it if I didn't break up with him.

I dreamt about bags today.

I was at a meeting na parang mag-aalok ng insurance. With my colleague. Tapos may bandang tumugtog pero bago mtapos ang kanta, lumabas na sila.

Then isa-isang nawala ang mga kasama ko. Pero magstart pa lang ang program. Kaya para di kami umalis, binigyan nila kami ng bags na iba-iba ang size.

Nung gusto ko na umalis, kinuha ko yung bag na giveaway samin at yung totoo kong bag na maleta pala. Meron pa kong backpack. Sobrang hirap hilahin ng maleta kaya tinulungan na ko nung girl facilitator ng event ilabas yun.

Mukhang school bag yung maleta. Baby pink. At bukas yung right pocket.

If I don’t take responsibility for his death, then it wouldn’t make sense why he did that to himself. He has depression but he’s been doing good so far. I killed his spirit deep enough to initiate a suicide. It has to be me. Many people have depression but are not that suicidal. It has to be because of me and what I did to him. He’s a good man with good intentions but his heart can only take so much. And I blew it big time.

This event needs a killer and it has to be me.

Gusto ko na siya sundan. Kasi napabayaan ko siya nung buhay pa siya. Di niya yun gagawin if di ako nakipagbreak sa kanya. Napahaba pa sana ang buhay niya kung di ko binasag ang spirit niya. Minahal naman niya ako at walang duda yun. Sana hindi na lang ako humingi ng higit pa sa kanya. Kasalanan ko yun.

In-between

The funny thing about grieving for a loved one who died by suicide is that you find yourself in between wanting to do the same and also not wanting to inflict the same pain on your remaining loved ones.

I've been thinking of a tricky way to make it look like an accident but God knows and will know the truth. So who am I fooling?

I'll be stuck in this place as if I don't have a choice. I don't want them to feel guilty but I cannot stop that. But I also know I don't deserve this life because of what I did to him.

Retribution

People say that I cannot make amends anymore when I die. But the person I needed to make amends with is already dead. So the only way to make up to him is to die and follow where he is. There's nothing left to do for this life. Killers don't have other purposes in life. They're just waiting for death to come.

frigbob

Person who wants to do stuff trapped in a body that needs to lie down

letsbelonelytogetherr

— C.T. Salazar; Headless John The Baptist Hitchhiking

Dear CD,

I finally put your face on my phone’s background. I wanted to remember that in that short period of time, you were truly happy. I love you so much. I lived to make you happy.

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