I'm just going to lay this out on the floor and leave it there, because I'm just Not Dealing with any more stress. I'm so completely burned out on tumblr's special flavor of drama that logging onto this blog is making me vaguely ill.
First off, I have been extraordinarily stressed out over the past few months due to IRL tragedies, moving and schoolwork - I haven't had time for the internet.
I received a message from another user after temporarily unfollowing them to avoid seeing drama on my dash.
The message ignored that I'd previously explained that I couldn't handle any heavy issues at the moment and that I was t I unfollowed and removed myself from a situation I rapidly saw becoming an issue again. An apology for an incident last month - which was already given - was more or less demanded of me, with an ultimatum attached to it. It was not a nice message and regardless of what the other party seems to think, it isn’t a good message to send if someone has hurt your feelings and wants to open up a dialogue to rectify it.
On top of that, it came completely out of nowhere, as I've been avoiding contact with most things on this website. I've been trying to recoup from the stress of July and August (where my uncle drowned tragically due to an alcohol related accident) or September (where I moved and had no money up until last week and was beyond stressed about being kicked out of school and staying on top of school work and dealing with serious diagnoses and other assorted family trauma and drama) and my first reaction was hurt, which cycled into anger and frustration, which eventually doubled back around into crying and then just more anger that I'd been reduced to tears in *class* because I’d checked tumblr while looking for some art references.
I could have handled myself better I admit. But my response stressed *why I did not want anymore stress* and was upset that this had suddenly been dumped on me. My response was not the nicest, but I don't appreciate hearing that it wasn't even read in full - and to be honest, that’s probably what hurts the most and is the most frustrating about this whole thing.
I do my best to be a fair and reasonable person and keep my emotions away from a situation, but I have difficulties doing so when a situation I'm *actively attempting to disengage from* when I need space is thrown in my face during a vulnerable moment. What I threw back was more or less panicked word vomit that was equal parts anger and equal parts pure hurt.
At this exact moment of time I'm still dealing with a lot of grief, depression, stress and anxiety. I am not in my best form. I lost someone suddenly and tragically and have yet to fully adjust to how it affected my world and my perception of things. I’m still dealing with a lot and trying to piece things together one step at a time, as I’ve always done, and I retreat and avoid stress when I’m trying to heal myself. I have said this before, and it honestly hurts me that my feelings seem to have been completely cast aside.
For future reference, person, if you choose to read this: I don't hate you. *At no point in the message I sent did I say I hated you.* It was angry but it *my* anger, focused on why *I* was angry and how it hurt me, and if you can't respect my anger or why I was angry, then I don't know what to say. I respect that I hurt you and apologized for it at the time the incident occurred, and I apologize again for it.
But my apology comes of my own volition and because I feel bad, not because it was demanded of me. A friendship doesn’t work by laying down an ultimatum to someone when they’re trying to recover from their own pain.
If anyone wants to keep in contact then please send me an ask or message me, I have Discord and AIM and a few other things. I'm not sure if I'm going to return to this blog or go to an alt I made a while ago, I just need space from tumblr.
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