there's nothing you can do for me, I'm already dead. born 1938, died 1966, chilling in processing.
maker & seller of magical artifacts. soulless ginger. (ha, ha, ha. she's heard it all before, don't bother.) / indie original character rp blog. sideblog to @handgiven ; poked with a stick by kai, est. 2016, remade 2025. / bio under the cut.
"i was 28 when i died. an ugly 'ot summer night. i remember being sweaty when i came to and they said i was dead, and all i had to say was "'ow the fuck am i all sweaty then?" lousy bastards had nothin' to answer to that. said there was a discrepancy and i wasn't allowed passage. whatever the hell that meant. said there was no soul registered to my body, and if i never lived, well i never died either.
fairy godmother at the gate spoke in such sorry voice — "oh child, blah blah blah, you need to be brave now, blah blah blah, one final quest and you are through." could you believe it? they misplaced my soul in their bleedin' paperwork and i'm the one that's supposed t' work t' solve it? "oh yes, it's so you can reach your peace. you've gotta admit, there's beauty in earning your paradise, no?" peace'n'paradise m' bloomin' arse. i know where i was goin' and it sure as hell wasn't up there. i nodded though, accepted her stupid quest hoping that it'd get her off my back-- and it did. thing is, once you get put away into that dusty folder on the upper shelf, no one ever comes lookin'. you're free to go 'n' a) be the tool they want y' to be or b) be fucking free and make the most of it while they're not lookin'.
so hey, i'm dead, have been for sixty years, but I'm still kickin'. got into the business of makin' these protective amulets, back then when i was still scared they'd come a-knocking. not sure what good they'd have done me against the almighty back then but y' know i took the time, i read the books, i learned my stuff. and some of my amulets are the best on the market. that's why yer here, no? well, from there it was onto object-oriented magic. y'know i call it OOM, mostly, sounds cooler that way, no? found out i was pretty damn good at it! and even better at the sales... the thing is, when yer selling enchanted objects, it's as much about enchanting them as it is about enchanting the buyer. you've got t' convince 'em they need yer services, and y' need to convince 'em yer services are the real deal. if you're not stupid 'n' don't wanna run straight up charity, you'll typically work in the rule of threes. one real amulet and two pieces of junk at the cost of... oh y' know. y' just tell them they need to be used all at once and by the time they figure out which ones are broke yer long gone, or they don't remember what the amulets were supposed to do in the first place.
I wouldn't call it cheatin', mind you... I'd call it a smart business practice. hey, I've seen what those pigs on wall street get up to. you can't blame a girl fer wanting to turn profit. don't want me livin' in the street, do you? spent a couple years there and 't was no joke. even if there was freedom to it... freedom to learn the important things in life. for example, some coats have awfully shallow pockets. and some poor sods will pay you more for finding the wallet you stole than you'd find in there anyway. rich bastards got two and more wallets these days, would you believe that? — if I wasn't so damn good at enchanting objects i would have gone into technokinesis. no people work, just strollin' up to the atm straight up. i mean, when you think about it, i still work hard for my cash.
anyhow, how's the bracelet treating you? 's it good? 's it comfy? oh don't worry. that one works. i told ya you would forget this entire thing. but hey, that's why you're here, no? to forget? oh you'll be so pleased to know it works... might throw in something fer yer hair while we're at it, no? you know how people are... they find a strand and yer done for. an enchanted elastic band, genius, no? no one's gonna suspect a thing! hm, yeah. that one and... uh... ah! this little charm can go in your wallet, attract money. everyone seems to be into that these days. recession they call it. boohoo. i'm a great depression baby and look at me! more great than depressed, 'onest.
awh, fuck off with that look. take that thing off. I'll tell y' we shook on all that, yeah? you'll be uber impressed, rememberin' jackshit. good talk. thanks. who needs therapy when you've got amnesiac strangers! but now, really, take it off. annnnd... voila, that'll be three grand, darlin', per our agreement."
