this decision is a long time coming and I highly doubt it will surprise most of you who have followed me for a while. for a while now, I’ve had a really hard time staying in one place as far as Tumblr is concerned. it’s been increasingly tough for me to find a muse that I’m comfortable with writing consistently and that problem has only grown with time, to the point where my role play accounts are way beyond unmanageable. the turn of the year came with a great deal of self-reflection in regards to this subject — and I think I’ve come up with the only solution that will force me back on track. frankly, this constant muse-switching, the feeling of responsibility on so many accounts, the deep guilt that comes with making people wait so long for responses when I’m emotionally involved with another muse.
the thing is, for a long time, I’ve been stuck in this area between searching for my soul in different characters and then not wanting to abandon said characters when the inspiration slips away because I don’t want to be a disappointment. I love my followers and my partners so much and the last thing I want to do is let them down. but by sticking around, by continuing to stretch myself thinner and thinner with promises that I won’t abandon certain accounts, etc., in the long run, I feel like I’ve been more of a disappointment than if I just made a decision. not only that, but I think this cycle of mine has damaged my mental health, simply because it continuously puts a huge amount of stress on me and makes me feel rotten about myself. if I feel rotten about myself, I’m not going to want to write. and if I don’t want to write, nothing gets done on any of my muses, which is worse than the alternative of just getting things done on one.
so by trying again and again not to be a disappointment, I’ve only ensured that I will disappoint more people, especially as I join new fandoms and gather new partners. it destroys my opinion of myself more even than it destroys other people’s opinions of me. it’s put me in a bad place — and it needs to stop.
I know that this announcement will let some people down. even as I write this, it’s breaking my heart to know that, because that’s what I’ve tried to avoid (although I’ve done a terrible job of it). this has nothing to do with any of you and everything to do with me. I love my partners so much. you have all contributed to my growth as a writer in every possible way. you have no idea how much it hurts me to let you down, but in order to get better, this is something I have to do.
I WILL NOT BE LEAVING TUMBLR. on the contrary, although I know you’ve all done this a million times, I am going to ask you guys to follow me one last time.
I’ve created a muse that I think I can stick with, because I’ve thought a great deal about what his creation means to me. that muse is death. first of all: he is basically non-fandom. after a serious amount of reflection, I’ve come to the conclusion that fandom is a huge source of stress for me. even if the fandom itself is kind and generous (and they so often are not), playing canon characters is a serious trigger for my perfectionism. seeing as perfection is absolutely impossible to achieve, it leads to endless stress, especially with big canons like Tyrion and Rhaegar and Finnick, or even Hans. you’ve all been so supportive and lovely and never ever think that I underappreciate the compliments you’ve given me about my characterizations, but unfortunately, it’s really difficult for me to get out of my own head, and often, I focus so intently on getting things right that it ends up exhausting me and I feel like I need to retreat from that muse for a while. because I don’t like to stop writing altogether, this obviously doesn’t contribute to my serial muse making.
secondly: what little canon he does have (as I’m basing him largely off a personification of death from a show with virtually no fandom) is incredibly vague, so I have a lot of room to develop what I want from him and what feels right.
thirdly: the idea of death is timeless and exists in practically every canon imaginable, so the crossover possibilities are endless. I can place him into any time period, any place, with any face that I wish. that gives me a huge amount of flexibility that I’ve never quite had with any of my muses. because I often make muses in order to play in different fandoms without stretching another muse’s canon too terribly, this is definitely something else that will help me stick with it.
fourthly: (and this may only make sense to me) this is the first muse I have ever made that has made me consider focusing on only one. this is the only muse I’ve made that has made me realize what I need to do in order to continue to enjoy Tumblr without further increasing my stress level.
I understand that some of you won’t be interested in playing with me there. I understand that some of you probably lost hope in me a long time ago. that’s completely fine and I understand. but I felt I owed you all an explanation and an apology. I need to stick with one muse for a while. it’s the only thing that I foresee being good for me, in the long run. in order to become a reliable partner, I need to force myself to have focus. I hope that you all can understand that and I am so sorry for keeping you all hanging for so long. I hope that you can forgive me and give me one last chance. I love you all, but I can’t keep going like this anymore. I need to fix this cycle I’ve fallen into.
I’m going to keep all of my accounts. I won’t be deleting any of them. but at this point, I’m not going to say that I will or will not be returning to any of them. I have to leave that question for the future, when I’ve figured myself out enough to make those decisions. for now, I just need to focus on restricting myself. I can only say that I hope I can once again expand my horizons again — or, at the very least, find a single niche from which I can interact with all of you with impunity.
remember that I love and appreciate you all. thank you for your patience and understanding.
