Apologizing in advance for my inherent lack in writing ability. I’m typing this how it comes out in my mind so excuse the errors in sentence construction or the absence/misused punctuation marks, run on sentences etc. lol.
Okay, so I just felt the need to get this off of my chest so that I can start to move on or feel better and not sulk anymore. I’m the type of person that doesn’t really like being the center of attention. I would much rather blend in or be comfortable along the sidelines with other people. Although the occasional attention or mere mention of my name accompanied by something praiseworthy that I did doesn’t hurt. Once in a while it also feels good for people to notice me or something I’m wearing or something I did; not that I expect it to be done frequently…just you know…sometimes.
One occasion where everyone gets all the attention, whether or not it is wanted, is during one’s birthday. It’s that time of the year where everyone treats you well and does the things you like; simply getting all the love and affection more than anybody else in the room. It’s that one day where you feel the most special. At least that’s how it used to be. My birthday is on Christmas Day. The magical DECEMBER 25. People always told me I’m lucky cause I probably get two gifts on Christmas. Others say even if I get one it must be something worth two or three gifts combined. Yes, sometimes I get one or sometimes two gifts…but the number didn’t really matter much to me cause I knew they thought hard about getting me something I would enjoy. And that for me mattered a great deal more.
Another thing I noticed with having your birthday on Christmas is people telling me how lucky I am to have the same birthday as Jesus. But that is where one of my concerns lies. I mean no offense to Jesus and to God, but having your birthday the same day as Christmas SUCKS. I feel like I’m sharing that one day I get to feel special. I know there are other people born on the same day or that my mom didn’t choose when her water would break; and it sucks to even feel bad about something like this. However, as I’m getting older the more I feel that my birthday isn’t really mine. It feels like any other day or somebody else’s day. When people greet me it’s never just “Happy Birthday” but is always followed by a “and Merry Christmas.” I know people don’t mean anything by that but to me it’s as if I’m just ½ special. Or that since it’s Christmas it’s not just my day but everyone else’s cause it is CHRISTMAS (an occasion celebrated by EVERYONE).
One more downside to having your birthday on Christmas is people forget to (or don’t at all) greet you. Yeah people think it’s cool your birthday is on Christmas. Yeah people say it’s so unique. But do they remember you when December 25 comes? No. Why? Because it’s CHRISTMAS. Other things far more important than your birthday comes to mind first like food, drinks, gifts, etc. So yeah it’s better to not get your hopes up on people remembering your birthday.
I don’t expect much from my family when it comes to my birthday. They greet me, they sing happy birthday, I blow my candle and thank them…then everybody goes back to doing their business. That moment when I feel the most loved lasts for a brief 5-10 minutes; after that…nada. It’s not like I’m asking for a whole production or what, but just feel their effort to make me feel good/loved/special or something. I mean I’ve been asking for cakes as a birthday present for the past 3 years (cause i love cakes and since no one ever prepares a special birthday cake for me I had to for it myself) and every year for those 3 birthdays I didn’t even get a proper candle to blow. They’d use those thick candles from our altar for me to blow as my “birthday candle.” The first time was understandable…but the 3rd? It felt as if they didn’t even try. Of course I just laughed it off but deep down it felt as though they didn’t even care or think about me and to prepare it for me for MY DAY. I shouldn’t even be asking for a cake, they should be the one thinking of what I would like and preparing it. But I guess my birthday is just any other day but with more food. Nothing special.
When your dad buys your sister a Christmas present and asks you want you want for your birthday and promising to buy it the next time you guys go out but keeps forgetting so you end up asking him about it and he just says NEVERMIND so you get no gift. I don’t mean to sound like a brat but COME ON I wasn’t even asking for something as expensive as his gift for my sister (even if it’s supposed to be my birthday)…just keep your word that’s all.
I don’t even remember the last time I made a wish while blowing my candle. I guess it’s been that long since I did a proper candle blowing. No birthday cake or candle or gift or greeting. So yeah…again IT SUCKS.
Since I didn’t get a proper candle I hope the world allows me to do one in my dreams. So…as I blow my imaginary candle (hoping it’s valid even if its imaginary and it isn’t my birthday anymore), I wish that my next birthdays be better. Crossing my fingers that at least once in my life I get to experience a birthday where I don’t have to ask for something to be prepared for me, but rather be surprised that they took the initiative in making my birthday special and memorable. I hope to feel more love and affection from my loved ones. I hope to experience, even just one time, something special and surprising on my next birthdays. More than anything I just wish to be able to celebrate it with my complete family even just once. I can forgo the earlier wishes for the last wish. Complete family over my birthday ANY DAY.
So here ends my rant/sulking/thoughts/opinions/locked up emotions. Hoping that whoever reads this takes a look at it from my perspective as well. Also, by putting it out there, I hope these emotions stay out there and never come crawling back to me. I wish to start 2018 on a more positive and hopeful attitude. :)
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