sparkledog

30 • capricorn

[sparkledog]

POV : me and @crowbaby size you up

upload this to any sort of you know what and i will doxx you and do bad things to you and worse things your loved ones.

[sparkledog]

there's a line in one of david berman's purple mountains tracks that goes

" thoughts of the shortness of life may beget bouts of shortness of breath in your chest - doubts about the worth of the nights you got left "

and i just think about it literally constantly.

i went to lunch with a client of mine a while back, and she is in her 40's now. she told me it was jarring to think there was more of her life behind her than ahead of her. i ended up drinking alone at girls afterwards because that comment fucked me up.

i spend a lot of time thinking about how bad i dont want to keep going. i cannot express how much i hate this world. i didn't ask for this. i didn't want things to turn out this way.

im not going to off myself because i have to feed my cat and fist fight my sister for funsies but my fucking god this is a bleak existence and i dont know how anyone gets through it.

like i am on so much anxiety medication now because i actually cannot function anymore. it's just constant flight or fight, existential dread, and pleading to reverse the clock and undo me. i have no motivation at all because none of it matters in the end. everything i love will perish so will i, and none of what we experience will have mattered.

anyway did yall know the toadies did a cover of since u been gone

[sparkledog]

nothing screams low intelligence quite like romanticizing the rural farmhouse you moved into and then immediately segueing into a conversation about tips and tricks on how to kill, deter, or otherwise remove moles and other wildlife from your immediate area because their very existence inconveniences you.

yeah i bet those swaying trees and wildflowers are beautiful. yeah i bet its nice listening to nature without city white noise. but heaven forbid any of the local wildlife get too close or make you uncomfy after you bought a house built in the center of their home.

yeah nature is so nice until you decide its annoying i guess.

[sparkledog]

i am so desperate to break this social barrier i have formed around myself but i am also aware that i am evil and i am toxic and i have a lot of problems that even therapy has not helped me solve.

like how do you even handle that. how do you make friends without poisoning them. or making them hate you. how do you inflict yourself onto another person without feeling ashamed.

i am not being delusional. i am fucking evil. i am so evil. i am mean and i am spiteful and i still cut myself at 30 years old. i come from a broken and neurotic family and every facet of my life is dysfunctional. i am cold and emotionless and i am full of hate. i will fool you into thinking im cool and then you will find out that i am fucking evil.

i am awkward in social settings. even with jesse i still felt displaced and on edge no matter how bad i wanted to be there. this is partially because i am absolutely mortified at the way people pretend to enjoy my company when i know for a fact that they just invited me out of obligation or pity, and i am the friend that gets talked about behind closed doors. even with jesse it was hard. and now i would have to do this solo ? yeah fucking right. its not gonna happen.

i tried to imagine if i ever engaged in a relationship with someone again and it made me so embarrassed like what the fuck is wrong with you dawg nobody wants you. how unfair it would be of me anyway. my peers are buying houses, getting married, and i just moved into a fucking studio apartment i can barely afford. i dont enjoy sex. being touched makes me crawl out my skin no matter how bad i want to feel physical connection. and no i was not abused in that way in my last relationship at all. this just happened over time. nobody wants that. my peers like to hike, they go to the gym, they work stable jobs and walk their dogs and cook themselves dinner. i rot in my bed and dont bother with cooking because whooo fucking caaaaares. who cares ! we're all gonna die soon anyway.

im so over this. everything is predictable from here on out. i end up like my parents. i isolate myself to the point of no return and then spend the rest of my days working and being alone until i die.

anyway some guy in my local subreddit who is my age posted about wanting to find friends to play games with and was just looking to have human connection in general. i typed out a whole response asking if he liked pokemon or dead by daylight or whatever else im into and remarked on how hard it is to make friends as an adult and then i stared at this message for literally 20 minutes before deleting it and scrolling on. like why bother. if he replies, i may respond once or twice, and then i will disappear because i fucking suck and i cant do it. what if i already know him. what if i embarrass myself. everyone else who replied is normal. normal people living normal lives. im not gonna ruin the mood by sticking my nose where it doesnt belong.

[sparkledog]

blood hatred money and rage

[sparkledog]

oh to be stabbed hilt deep in the ribs with a big knife repeatedly in a romantic way

[sparkledog]

anyway just in case anybody gives a fuck, here's a little update

i turned 30 this month.

jesse and i separated. i live alone with our cat in a tiny studio now. we're still hanging out but i think i'm ready to let go. we spent 11 years together. i have a lot of happy memories and a lot of miserable and toxic memories.

i still do hair. it doesn't pay the bills and it has started sucking the life out of me. but at least i don't answer to a corporate overlord.

i cut things off with my long distance best friend of like 14 years because he didn't vote. i'll store him in the vault of ex best friends who fucking suck, alongside alex, who i cut off for ignoring me to hang out with the girl jesse cheated on me with. classy, right ? yall ever been platonically in love with someone ? i'm still mad about this and it was like 5 years ago.

i went to therapy. i did make improvements for a while, but i dont really care anymore because we're all gonna die soon anyway. im still taking my anxiety meds though because i could not fucking function. like when that shit with the drones coming out of the ocean was happening i was having panic attacks about it in the middle of cutting peoples hair lmao.

oh an does anyone have any anti-ai art sharing platform recs ? furaffinity is forcing you to add a bunch of tags to your uploads now and im not here to commodify my shitty art and make it easier to search and consume. i wont post there until they remove the requirement. like for general submissions anyway. nsfw shit needs tagging for sure. but i dont want my art to be searchable. im not taking commissions and i dont need to market myself. i know theres sheezyart but that place seems pretty inactive.

[sparkledog]

is anyone still here

[sparkledog]

cannot stop thinking about david berman and how i just cant really blame him

[sparkledog]

Yall are STILL harassing me for saying factory farming is ethically and morally wrong.

If you're stopping by my blog because you're mad at me because you cant stop supporting and or defending factory farming, You are actually fucking stupid and I can't help you. I'm not going to do your homework for you. Do the research and educate yourself.

Anyway I think every single one of yall defending factory farming should have to kill and dress an animal by your own hands. I also think it should be one of your pets, because it's just an animal after all. You'll be using all the parts so it's okay. You have to keep it in a tiny cage and let it wallow around in its own piss and shit for a few months first. You also have to artificially inseminate it a few times so it makes babies to suffer the same shitty existence. If it gets an infection or something don't worry about it, it'll die soon anyway. Then you can look it in the eyes and put a bolt in it's brain. Now you're free to eat and wear it however you like !

Oh you wouldn't do it that way ? Why ? It's the most cost effective way, and is standard in real life. Idk what fantasy world you live in but food and clothing animals don't get to roam in big green fields and play in the sun.

And, since so many of you lack reading comprehension skills beyond that of a brick, once again : I'm not even vegan. I just don't feel the need to try for gold in mental gymnastics to defend factory farming. If you have a comment about how you hate vegans, save it.

[sparkledog]

[sparkledog]

great work third party voters. you're all fucking morons.