Drained. If he were asked how he felt years ago, that would be his answer. It was draining to keep up appearances for the sake of being the shining bright hero. He felt tired and drained. At one point, he was having a dilemma with who he was. The dread of being in a constant battle against himself was slowly eating him.Â
A star should shine, they say. But he felt like he was drowning. Amidst the popularity and persona he's portraying, something đ„đąđłđŹ was stirring within him. It's not like the public knows what his power is. Who knows what would happen if it ever got leaked? Would they still stare at him in awe? Or are they going to all turn away and look for another star?
Those were his thoughts years ago when he slowly accepted his fate as a hero. But who could've thought? Not him. He thought he would always be that "hero" then. A shining star in the sky, being stared upon by millions of people and being idolized like he's a god. Shining but alone.
Then you came along. No, you were just passing by. Wrong term again. You were robbing a house years ago. He just happened to be there. He was confused. Seeing a thief playing with the housecat they're supposed to be stealing from was never a sight he expected.
And shit.
How dare his lips crack a smile. How dare his body stay frozen and only watch you from afar.Â
Yes, he won't lie.
What he did after that is...stalkerish. Tracking you down, trying to find an opportunity to get closer to you. He could easily do that as a hero. Finding you and using his fame to track you is easier but no, that would be too intimidating for you.
A lot of things have happened since then. Fighting aliens was never what he expected to be doing in the future but here he is. And then there's another one, a big change he welcomed wholly, you.
He took off his cape, then glanced at your figure on the bed. You probably fell asleep for a few hours now. He can't blame you, he was gone for a while. He had rescued some people from another alien attack, coming home at midnight just now.
"...Star?"
He calls out just to confirm. When he didn't hear any shift or answer, he walked into the bathroom. After a long day, a warm shower might do him good. Especially after fighting aliens for who knows how long since they attacked suddenly.Â
He turns on the shower. The fog blurs the mirror cover as the warm water cascades down his body. It felt...nice. He's not that physically hurt much, but a nice long shower is his go-to after hero work.Â
His mind rewinds to that encounter just a few weeks ago. He was testing you and for a moment, he had thought he failed you. If it wasn't for your explanation, he would've...well, made shining the brightest a reality. For you to look for Ray instead of his persona, you know what words to say.Â
His mind was cut off when he heard a creak. He looks slightly over his shoulder, raising an eyebrow as he catches your familiar figure in the doorway.Â
"Star, I'll finish soon."
He spoke softly, seeing you peeking inside. His eyes met yours and..there was a long moment of staring before you spoke. You just woke up, and your voice is a bit groggy still as you speak.
"Take your time."
You coughed, clearing your throat more clearly before asking.
"Did you just come home?'
He tilts his head back, thinking for a moment before answering. He's not sure whether to face you or if you can see all of him through the shower mirror.
"Yes, a few minutes ago. Sorry, it took longer than expected."
He replied, running a hand over his damp hair. He turns off the shower and you perk up.
"You're leaving?"
He stops in his tracks with your question.
"The shower? Yes."
He answered.
"You usually take long ones."
"Yes, but you're awake."
"You didn't wake me though."
"..."
He turns slightly, glancing at your foggy figure through the shower mirror.
"What do you suggest, star?"
He heard you hum and you stepped closer to the shower mirror door.
"You should take your usual showers. I think I could use one too."
He tilts his head to the left, a small smirk forming his lips but before he could say something suggestive, you spoke again.
He bit his lip to stifle a chuckle before responding.
"Okay, no innuendos for today. Come on then."
He slides the door open and meets you face to face. He leans back against the cold tile.
"Don't tell me you're going in with your clothes on."
"I'm working on it. Patience, hero."
He chuckles as you roll your eyes while he watches you discard your clothes aside. He never thought he would feel so...domestic one day. Once again, you're making him feel things he thought he would never feel.
"I'll hop in now."
You spoke and he nodded. He held a hand to help you in, making sure you wouldn't slip as you stepped inside.
"Comfortable?"
"Hm."
You hum, sliding the door closed. He met your gaze and saw how it dropped to his body.
"...Eyes up here. No innuendos, you say."
He commented and you hit his arm. He laughed a bit while you found an excuse.
"It's an involuntary thing!"
"Right. You checked out people involuntarily, star?"
"I mean..."
He raised a brow when you pursed your lips as if thinking about it. Then you grin and look up at him.
"Only if it's you."Â
You spoke so teasingly. He took a discreetly deep breath when you smiled so flirtatiously afterward.
"You like playing dangerous games, star."
"Hey, I said no innuendos."
You spoke and he shook his head, turning on the shower again. He sighs as the water flows down his body, closing his eyes for a moment before opening them again to glance at you.
The cap of the shampoo bottle clicks as you open it up. He watches as you squeeze some amount on your palm then looks up at him.
"Come on, duck down a bit."
He smiles in amusement but follows anyway. He turns the shower off again.
"Wait here."
He opens the sliding door and looks beneath the sink where he keeps a shower chair. He steps out for a moment, turning his back to you while he retrieves it.
He pauses for a moment. His lips parted as he thought of how to say it.
"Remember when we met..not exactly the first time but.. when I asked you about your opinion of Binary Star Hero? Back when you didn't know yet it was..me too."
He watches you blink. Your hands slow down in massaging his hair as you think about it.
"Yeah, I do remember."
"You don't like his eyes and smile."
"I don't."
You confirmed.Â
"Why is that again?"
You pursed your lips as you thought about your answer before trying to remember how you said it again. Your hands gently run through his shampooed hair.
"Like there was something strange or unsettling with his bright smile and red eyes..?"
He hums, nodding.
"Something like that."
He thinks for a moment before continuing.
"It's like you saw right through me, even on the television screen."
He watches as you chuckle and shake your head.
"I mean, I think I wasn't the only human thinking about it, you know?"
"Maybe."
He reaches for your hand, putting it against his cheek while looking up at you.
"How about mine?"
"Yours?"
"Yeah, mine's. You said you like my hair better when it's down. How about my eyes or my smile?"
He caught sight of how your lips quirked up.
"I like it better too."
"Really?"
"Yeah, your sleepy eyes."
"Sleepy eyes?"
He watches you chuckle as you continue.
"You always have these tired eyes and a smirk. Oh, and the moles too.â
âThe moles?â
âYeah, those moles. It fits you naturally.â
You spoke, remembering when he first stepped into that cafe.
"Wash my hair, please. I'm going to turn blind and you won't see my tired eyes again."
He evades the question although you already knew the answer. You sighed and turned the small shower head on to use. The water felt nice as it rinsed the shampoo out of his hair.Â
Warm.
Comfortable.
Contentment.
He opens his eyes again once you turn it off. He sat up straight.
"Your turn."
"My turn?"
"Yes, star. Your turn.â
He replied as he reached for the shampoo bottle again. He watches you sit down on the shower chair now.
"The chair is comfortable."
"I got it as a gift."
"A gift?"
You ask and he nods, washing your hair gently before lathering it with shampoo.
"I think it was a fan gift or something."
"A fan gave you...this?"
"...You'll be surprised by what kind of gifts they sent me."
"I don't know if I should be creeped out."
He stifled a chuckle.
"Fans are...fans."
You nod. He watches your eyes close as he gently washes your hair. His fingers prevent the water from pouring down your face. His eyes take note of each of your features, etching them into his mind.
"Done."
He spoke, turning the water off and helping you up. He smiles at you after putting away the shower chair.
"Come here. Soap next."
He watches as you raise an eyebrow.
"No innuendos?"
"You should be the one asking yourself that."
He replied as you pursed your lips slightly.Â
"Your hands tend to wander, star."
He continued, seeing the slight flush of your face.Â
"That makes me sound like a pervert."
"Are you not?"
"I am not!"
He laughs. His shoulders shake as he covers his mouth with the back of his hand.
"Fine, soap up my back then?"
"Your back?"
"Yeah, no wandering."
You grinned and he shook his head, pointing a finger at you.
"Bad star."
"I wasn't even saying anything."
"I could hear the gears turning in your head."
"I won't wander!"
You promised and he cocks an eyebrow.
"Promise?"
"...promise."
He bites his lip to stop laughing at the hesitation in your voice.
"Here."
He gave the soap to you, entrusting it to your hands before turning around. He could hear how giddy you were deep inside your mind as you soap up his back. Your hands lingered on his shoulder and traced the lines on his back down his waist then up again. At least, you haven't wandered yet.
"...Can I soap up the front too?"
He turns to you with an amused smile.Â
"Since you didn't wander off, I could trust you just a little bit."
He watches you smile up to him with sparkles in your eyes. He shakes his head and reaches for your hand, placing it against his chest.
"Careful, okay?"
"I won't stray from the top. I promise."
"Good star."
He lets go of your hand and lets you begin. Watching you soap his chest and then up his shoulder, he sighs. He pushes stray hair behind your ear.
"You're soaping my chest too much."
He pointed out, which you just shrugged at before lowering your hands to his abdomen. He could practically hear your thoughts again. Your đĄđ€đȘđ thoughts.Â
He clears his throat.
"Remember your promise?"
"Hm? Oh, I do."
You replied, glancing up at him as if innocent from what you were thinking just now.
"...I think I'm full of soap now."
"You are?"
He covers a laugh, gently stealing the soap away from your hand while you sulk a bit.
"Yes, youâve done enough.â
âIâm not soap up yet.â
Your response made him quirk an eyebrow, a bit caught off guard. He saw the satisfaction in your eyes while watching the slight tint of red on his cheeks.
âIs that an invitation?â
He questioned to which you responded with an innocent smile once again.
You give him a smirk and he turns the shower on. The sudden spray of warm water surprises you as it hits your direction.
âWhaâHey!â
You protested. He laughs before turning it off.
âThere, I can soap you up now.â
âA little warning is much appreciated.â
âWell, your thoughts need some cleansing.â
âDonât intrude my thoughts now!â
He laughs, guiding you softly to turn around. His hands massage your shoulder, attempting to calm you down and apologize.Â
âOkay, okay, that was my bad.â
He spoke with a chuckle, pressing a quick kiss between the juncture of your shoulder and neck.Â
âYouâre a bad hero.â
You commented and he laughed more against your now wet skin from the shower. He placed one final kiss against the same spot before spreading the soap on his hands. He gently lathers up from your shoulder.
âFeels good?â
âHm. Iâm still deciding.â
He shakes his head in mirth at your hard-to-get attitude but continues to massage your muscles while lathering your back with soap.
âYou feel tense here.â
âWhere?â
âHere.â
He pressed further just below your lower back. He smirks up as he hears a satisfied moan leave your lips.Â
âSo?
âY...Yeah, that felt good.â
He hums in satisfaction, wrapping his arms around your waist. He rests his chin on your shoulder as he hugs you from behind.
âWe should get you a better bed. That might help these muscles.â
âWe donât need to. Iâm just getting older.â
âYou speak like youâre sixty.â
You roll your eyes. He felt you leaning back against his chest. He catches your eyes when you tilt your head up slightly to look at him.
âYou donât get back aches?â
âNormally? No. Only if I hit the wall hard during a fight.â
âA wall? Are you sure your spine is still in proper shape?â
âI am. I go to check-ups for a reason.â
You hum. He watches as you close your eyes as if savoring the peacefulness surrounding the both of you in the shower. The only sound is their breathing and the water droplets from the faucet.
His thumbs put firm pressure on the spots on either side of your lower back again. He savors your soft moan as he gently massages the area in circles, relieving the tension stored in it.
â..Ray?â
âHm?â
There was silence for a moment although he already knew what you were trying to say. He can read how your mind goes that way and he had to stifle a chuckle until you finally voice it out.
âYouâre poking me.â
âYour mind described it as throbbing.â
âRay!â
âYou were making sweet sounds.â
He replied and pulled away. He leans back against the cold tiled walls and crosses his arms. He watches as you turn around to glance at him. Such a curious cat to even take a peek down his body. Shameless.Â
He chuckles and turns on the shower, spraying the both of you underneath.
âCome, letâs wash up before you break your promise.â
The shower routine felt more domestic than he expected. Although there were some teasing moments and how he tried ignoring your thoughts, he managed to finish up. He dries his hair with a towel while you're dressing yourself into your usual pajamas. He's on his sweaters now as well.
"It's so early.."
He heard your comment. He glances at the clock. It is early, only two hours past midnight.
"Sleepy again?"
He asks and you shake your head.
"I can't sleep now."
He hums. That's what you always say when asking to cuddle with him.
He glances at your figure on the bed through the mirror. He's getting used to this more and more, and looking forward to you asking him like this every night.
"Move a bit to the side."
He walks closer and settles down beside you on the bed. His arm propped up while resting his cheek on his hand.
"Alright, scoot closer."
And you did. He sighs and cups your cheek with one hand, gently caressing it with his thumb.
He chuckles, his cheeks tinting a bit. You could be bold in one minute.
"You want me to?"
"I think it would make me sleep easier."
"You always say that."
"And I always fall asleep after."
He can't say anything against that. You do fall asleep quickly afterward. His kiss somehow feels like a magic kiss at this point.Â
"Ray?"
He shifted, leaning closer. His thumb is still caressing your cheek before his hand slides down your chin. He tilts your head slightly.
"Goodnight kiss it is then."
He replied and pressed a kiss to your forehead, then down to your nose, and finally, captured your lips with his. You welcomed him, even pulling him close. His lips move sweetly and gently against yours, deepening the kiss.Â
It felt...nice being accepted like this. Just a few years ago, he let you get away with robbing the house of a legislator. Now, he's letting you steal his heart away.
scaramouche is awkward the first time he lays beside you, rigid and hardly relaxed when his body slides under the coversâyouâd almost think he doesnât want to be near you if you didnât know him any better. you keep a small distance between you both when you see the way he seems to stiffen the closer you get, whispering a soft goodnight before closing your eyes.
what you donât seem to see, however, is the way his eyes wander to your figure every few seconds, lingering over your face and raking over your features. you donât see the way his eyes soften when you curl into the sheets for warmth. you donât see the way his hand reaches out as you sleep, a little shaky at firstâhesitant. he brushes a finger against your cheek as if testing the watersâand then he retreats almost immediately.
because you look delicate like this, soft and fragile, too easy to disappear suddenly, like you were never there to begin with. he doesnât think he should be here beside youâbut then you crinkle your nose in your slumber, and despite his better judgement, he smiles a little at the sight. his fingers run over the swell of your cheeks and brush over the bridge of your nose, delicately tracing the skin as he maps your features.
itâs not until you nibble on his fingertip as he traces your bottom lip does he realize youâre now awake.
âwhat are youââ
âhow romantic,â you tease, grinning cheekily as your eyes flutter open, âand here i almost thought you didnât like me for a bit.â
âthatâs because i donât like you,â he grunts, pushing you away (though gently) as you scoot closer and wriggle your brows.
âif you wanted to cuddle, you could just ask,â you giggle, and he glares.
youâve always been bold, far bolder than he should let you get away withâbut you throw him the bright grin you always do, and somehow he finds himself softening the harsh edges, like the glass is rounded so he doesnât cut you as you reach your hand out.
âi donât,â he huffs, ânow go to sleep.â
thereâs a slight pout on his faceâthough, you donât think he realizes as much, and pointing it out would only sour his mood more. so you smile to yourself, taking in the way his hand falls limply onto the mattress beside him.
if he craves to reach for you again, to feel the warmth of your skin press against the tips of his fingers one more time, he makes no indication of it. scaramouche never reaches firstâhe simply tolerates your back hugs and linked arms, letâs you follow him around and maybe even hold his hand if heâs in a good mood. thereâs always a disgruntled protest, however weak it might be, but just like always, he never pulls away.
and something tells you he doesnât want toâsomething about the way his expression breaks for a swift moment before itâs hardened again tells you that maybe he needs your touch more than you need his.
so you flick his forehead, make his brows furrow and his chest ache with that smile you shoot him, the same one that soothes over the cracks the world has left in him over the years and fills them until heâs whole. âi would be asleep, if someone didnât wake me.â
he hates that youâre rightâbut more than anything, he hates how easily you trust him. he hates how easy it is for his harsh glares to go ignored, how easy it is not to care about his bitter words and cold resolve, how easy it is to give and give when you get nothing in return. and because you never seem to care just how hard it is to love someone like scaramouche, you wrap yourself around his arm, making him stiffen with a scowl.
âhey, get off,â he saysâbut even as he pokes your shoulder to make a point, he makes no moves to pull away. it tells you enough, you think, it tells you everything you need to know.
please donât ever let go.
âare you sure you want that, kuni?â you hum, reaching to poke his cheek, âyou sure seem to like touching meââ
âiâve had enough,â he grunts, âyou can go sleep in another bed.â
âthis is my bed,â you snort.
youâre right again, which only makes him ten times more irritated, but maybeâŠmaybe heâs also ten times more in love. he wonders for a momentâthinks whether or not someday he can really bring himself to admit it.
so for now, he doesnât pull awayâand he hopes thatâs enough to make you keep reaching out.
âwhatever,â he mutters, and almost too swiftly, as if he wills himself to do it before he can change his mind, his arm tugs you closer against his side, letting your head fall to his chest. âiâd say itâs ours now,â he says quietly.
you grin, reaching a hand out to grab his, squeezing gently as your fingers lace with his.
and when you whisper, âgoodnight, kuni,â with a kiss to his chest, he doesnât pull away.
(especially as a direction) with a decrease in loudness.
âthe piece ends as it began, a poem of sorrow and regret that dissolves diminuendoâ
Joshua was his name. Joshua. Joshua. Your fingertips tapped at the crease of your lips, pondering of this man beside you and his significance to you. With one hand in the pocket of his jeans, the other was entwined with yours, the glint in his silver irises evidence of his mischievous nature. None of his behavior was familiar to you, even the occasional lean of his body toward you upon your first meeting, yet with a wave of his hand he paid no heed to your dilemma. Surely, Joshua was someone whose presence refused to be forgotten. Surely, there lacked any reason for you to fail to recall his nature; someone like him was difficult to let go, that you were sure of.
âRemember this?â You shook your head, catching the foam of your latte soaking into your drink. The owner mimicked you with a smile, his hand deep into a dish rag as he cleaned the mugs of filth, something difficult to be noticed once the boy in front of you shrugged and faced you with a wistful grin. No worries, he said, I donât deserve to be remembered by you. When he stood to depart from your form, apparently leaving the responsibility of paying for service onto you, the back of his button up shirt became reminiscent of a moment where the two of you stood in a place far from this, hands in his pocket as his existence in your life was fleeting. The picture was blurred out with your tears, but evident enough that you pinched at the bridge of your nose in hopes of learning more about what you meant to him. What it all meant to him.
You slapped however amounts of yen you had left on the table, your chair whining in protest as your gratitude was shown in your compliments to the chef. Behind you, the chef once again shook his head, a frown tugged upon his lips entirely complementary to the amusement exhibited at his old friendâs puppy love. Of course, how could you have noticed? The world and its rules were diminishing around your search for JoshuaâYoshiya, Yoshiya, how could you forget how effortless it was to call him Joshua instead? How could you fail to remember your missing puzzle piece, a dear friend whose attention was only on you? How could you allow him to push you away after he cherished your existence, regressing towards an isolation from fellow children and ignorant adults before you first approached him? Joshua, what reason did he have for never coming backâ
BANG
Your hands grasp at your forehead in the middle of Scramble Crossing, the mass of men walking past your form as if you no longer exist. In their eyes, you are the ghost teenagers shuddered upon, the memory your friends will eventually leave behind. With no one to help you, you are surrounded by monsters beyond your capacity, beyond your sanity, unable to recall of how you ended up here. Creeping towards you, their teeth glimmer in the sun, and no matter how much the thought of them sinking into your skin terrifies you, no one would know. You are no longer relevant, a loss that left more questions than answers, and God, you donât want to die with that last thought.
âHold my hand,â he tells you, your saving grace the form of a boy whose silver eyes are wide with the thought of losing you. âIf you donât, youâll die.â Donât ever listen to strangers.
So welcome to this very uncalled for essay about yours truly, Khun <3
â ïž CONTAINS SPOILERS FOR THE WEBTOON â ïž
1. Khun uses a strong cold front so people can't see how traumatised and weak he is
Yes! Khun is someone who hurts... A LOT
The best evidence Khun is GREAT at faking his well being is because you only notice the extent of his trauma later on on the webtoon.
Khun's interactions with Kiseia, his father (the old version of Eduan I mean) and the flashbacks of Maria are the rare moments we CAN SEE who Khun really is. I mean, there are several other moments Khun let's his guard JUST A BIT DOWN but most of those are related to Bam because you guys know... Khun is soft from Bam and stuff đđ€Ł
BUT MOVING ON
1. Kiseia / the trauma of an empatic kind hidden soul - I think this one is the main topic, cuz just the fact that she is Khun's main antagonist, means he is VERY afraid of her. And why is that? Because deep down, Khun was traumatized by the fact that his biological sister killed herself when he decided to help Maria
Khun says his sister was very cold and he didn't interact with her much, but Khun is not the heartless dude he claims and shows to be (well, expect for his enemies and RACHEL)
Khun is actually an individual capable of strong empatic feelings. He analizes people and tries to judge their character based on their actions and non verbal language. When Khun formed a team to climb the tower and bitch Rachel stabed Edian's legs until he couldn't almost walk, Khun was in pure sock, and very very conserned for Edian's well being. He stayed up all night by his side to make sure he was all right.
When it comes to Bam, Khun is even more peculiar in his empaty... is almost a possessive kind of empaty. Khun doesn't want Bam to go somewhere he himself can't reach. That's why he hates when people (in the name hunt station) called him " God". But at the same time, Khun wants to shield Bam from those high expectations that might crush him. He doesn't want Bam to have that burn because... he knows the burden of high expectations
2. Maria / the deathly choise and first step to freedom- Maria is a very important person in Khun's life. By the little flashbacks we have, we can see that Maria has sort of an "outcast" in the Khun family because she was unusually kind. When Maria asked Khun if he would help her become a princess of Jahad, Khun had nothing to gain from it.
Khun usually manipulates people and does what he has to do to get that benefits him the most. But when it came to Maria... he choose the worst option. It wasn't a rational option, because Khun is VERY EMOTIONAL. He is bindled to his emotional self because he considers himself a very rational human being, which makes him unable to see how emotional heighted his choises are.
In truth, Khun was captivated by Maria. He was curious because she was different. He decided to help her because she showed him another option, another way... an escape route to a word Khun didn't even know it existed... the world of kidness, a world where life was valued, people didn't kill each other and he could be the child he was without having to be concern about power games inside his family.
And Khun chose Maria in the first place because he HATED those power games. Because he, in truth, kind and never wanted to take part on those dirty, manipulative games. Maria destroyed Khun's life. The price to pay was the heavy trauma and guilt of having his sister kill herself, but Khun got his FREEDOM
Maria presents Khun with the ideia of " struggling is beautiful" and Khun, for the first time, knows that life has value and his family ways are not all the world has to offer
3. Khun Eduan / all not to be and all he can be - Eduan represents Khun's incompetence in leaving the past behind. Even tho he was abandoned by his family, and wants to follow a different path from the Khun family's values and atitudes, Khun is unable to seperate himself from his origins.
But Khun HAS the need to make himself different from other Khuns, shown by how he felt the need to make a spear of his own, so his was not a copy of his father. He, by any means, doesn't want to be associated with Eduan, because Eduan represents all he hates in his family, in his previous life.
But Khun still uses his family name with "pride". More like... a guilt coat I would say. Sometimes he claims how despicable, sneaky, sly and mischievous he can be... but isn't that just a way to TRASH himself? To speak badly of himself?
Isn't that coat just a way to put the weight of others people's shoulders on his? In truth, Khun views himself as someone "dirty" he has blood on his hands despite everything. So he gives himself the dirty jobs he thinks he is worth of doing.
That's the only way he knows how to act. The only way he knows how to survive. If Khun dropped that facade of the sly man that trusts no one... what would be left of him? Someone vulnerable, someone afraid to be abandoned once again, by Bam, just as Maria did. Someone unable to free himself from his family because other than that, he doesn't know who he is, he can't see himself.
And he struggles to find who he is, because he was never able to be anything else than a KHUN . He is still searching for that sensible persona he truly is, but in the harsh reality of the Tower, Khun's sly facade is the best mask to have
4. Bam / protective projection and affection - " I keep my most precious jewel hidden so I never get to use it on me"
SO we had to finish with the best part, right?
Bam is alm Khun wasn't able to be. Innocent, care free, unbounded by anything in the tower. Khun feels the intense need to make sure Baam is not a victim of the same cruelty and raw violence and malice he was victim of. That's why Khun takes care of the dirty jobs himself... because he wants to keep Bam's hands clean, even if it means he was to stain his own hands.
The quote by the start of this topic resumes pretty much Khun's relation with Bam: Khun wants to protect Bam so badly, and shild him from all warm even if he knows that's 100% IMPOSSIBLE but he also wants to live openly with Bam by his side, without hidding. He wants to fully enjoy the pure hapiness of having a real friend by his side.
Khun is VERY VERY afraid of being abandoned. He "choose to be", but that did impact him for the rest of his life. When he judjes someone as someone who is a GOOD PERSON he tends to hold on to them even if his life depends on it. Because in truth, Khun is desperate for that human connection and bonds that Maria showed could exist if he reached for something different.
Bam is a good person in Khun's eyes. In Khun's eyes he must not suffer. But if Bam lives openly, he will SUFFER, because he will show the Tower his true power, the will become the " GOD" and Khun wouldn't be able to reach him any longer. " Isn't better being human? " shows how much Khun wants Bam to free himself from high expectations, just as much Khun needs to still free himself to the weight of his name.
In the end, Khun is fighting a battle he knows he can't win. He is acting on emotion alone when he follows Bam, when he makes sure his jewel is save on his pocket. He knows he was to let it go eventually, but Khun will do everything NOT TO LET GO. Because Khun sees in Bam everything he wishes for, everything he wants in the relationships with others.
Bam is the personification of Khun's resolve to chose the hard, yet better way to live life.
There is nothing sly and evil in his persona. He is just a boy who wasn't able to grow his own personality, self - worth and self - value because of the rudness of the world. Khun doesn't want to be like his family, but not being like them is not enough... because that's a emtpy pit of dispare.
Khun has to be his own person, find who he is.
But until he realizes and admits that those emotions live inside him, until he is able to face himself and his traumas and weakness... Khun will never be able to be more than just " someone different from his family"
Who knows who Khun might turn out to be when he is truly free from himself, when he shows his true colors. I am sure he is far from dirty and rude. He is beautiful, hurt and kind đ
Ps: I find it interesting how Khun and Killua Zoldyck (from Hunter x Hunter) are so so similar in the way they think and their relationship to their significant other (Gon in Killua's case)
But Killua has able to free himself from his family and find himself at the end. But I think Khun's situation is more complicated than Killua's since there are more people and power games involved. And Khun is even more blind to his emotional side than Killua is...
Let's hope for the best we got your back Khun đ€đ
This is such a deep analysis of his character that it made me cry HAHAHA. But I like this a lot so I'm saving this to my g drive. Khun has been my favorite character for almost three years now. Something about him keeps me attached to him, I remember reading about the gem scene and I was so moved. Everything seems to click when he said that he never did wear it and instead just hide it. This might be cringe but I kinda relate to his character a lot even though we have different experiences. He's been a big part of my life, even now (I first discovered TOG 2 years ago). Thank you sm for this!
Reading the manhwa and watching the anime of TOG of the crown game episode is such a masterpiece. You can basically merge both of the fighting scenes in my opinion.
(I'm watching it since that's the chapter I'm writing right now.)
Me: I have deadline coming right up.
Also me: *proceeds to put the TOG fanfic x reader as main priority and write additional two chapters in one sitting*
Ahh, I miss tumblr and Tower of God. I've been worried about our research defense that will be scheduled next week, our teacher keeps dragging the announcement of the sched. I still play Genshin and have been engrossed again with Tower of God, mostly because of Khun. I also notice the lack of fanfics/ficlets/one-shot on "Classroom of Elites" so I might write something about that. BUT, I am in the making of a "Tower of God" fanfic with well, Khun x reader? I might post it here when I reach the chapter of the reader entering the tower, yes the reader has a whole backstory. Of course, it would still follow the plot of the webtoon with a bit of the reader's own story. It will be a challenge for me to also improve in writing. I'm done with the prologue and in the middle of chapter 1. I'm posting my rumblings here since my Twitter is kind of useless, to be honest.
Thank you so much if you read this and I'm sorry for wasting your time shshs
Author's note:
Helloooo. It's been so long since the last time I posted something here. I apologize for taking so long before posting this one. I've been occupied with my research subject lately and we've been preparing for the research defense that will occur in just a few weeks (our teacher hasn't given us any schedule yet).
This is a comfort fic where the reader is trying to comfort his beloved Xingqiu. I hope you enjoy this and have a nice day.
I'll start posting once again after our scheduled experiment on research, which is this weekend.
It's been almost a week since the last time you saw him. You were always at the bookstore in Liyue, not exactly waiting for him but just returning some books and taking some to read before returning them the next day, it's a simple cycle that you often do during good days. The last time you talked to him, he said that his family will be facing an upcoming task for the Feiyun Commerce Guild. You understand it as you knew he's a part of that guild, so you thought he might be really busy that he's not able to do his routine of reading books in the bookstore and talking to you.
His two best friends don't also have any idea when you asked them. The last time they saw him was when they tried to visit him on Saturday. They only see a glimpse of him and hear his words of apologies. He's busy, that's the summary of his apology. They didn't really talk for too long as Xingqiu was called by his brother, ending the conversation.
You sighed. You're not mad about his lack of time, in fact, you're just really worried. And maybe you miss seeing him too or listening to his voice while he reads his favorite books to you. You miss him. You miss holding his hands, drawing circles on his palm, you miss his presence on your side.
Early in the morning, you went to his house. But you only met his assistant, you didn't see any glimpse of him or his smile, just the words of his assistant's excuse and apologies.Â
"He's currently working on some important paper for the commerce guild, I'm sorry Mx. Y/n, but he ordered that he can't let any distraction in the meantime. He wanted to finish the tasks as soon as possible."
So you thanked him and bid him farewell. But before entirely leaving, you stop in front of his house, waving your hand as a farewell and sending a smile. You have a small glint of hope that he might see it. A hope that you send your message clearly to him. You're not mad and you'll keep waiting. As long as you know he's going back to you afterward, you can always wait.
"Y/n? We're about to close. It's getting really late, you should be going home now."
Your mind snapped back to reality as you heard Ms. Jifang, the owner of Wanwen Book House. You closed the book that you didn't manage to read at all as your mind seems to wander.
"Ah, I'm sorry. I guess I will be going now then. Can I keep this book in the meantime? I will-"
"You always give the books you lend in time, why would I say no?"
You smiled, "Thank you, Ms. Jifang"
You bid her your last farewell for the day before setting off to a new location. A location just a few meters away from the Bubu Pharmacy. The both of you would always go there to read books to each other, reading random lines from your favorite books.Â
The scenery of the moon and the sun can be quite a sight. There's also a tree around to lean on when taking a rest and that's what you're planning to do for the day.
You stopped on your tracks as you saw a familiar figure sitting under the tree, the blue hue of the moon lightning his figures.Â
"Xingqiu?"Â
You called him. You notice how he slightly flinches at your voice, probably surprised by your sudden presence. He looked at you for a second, smiling a bit before gazing at the moon.
Something is wrong, you can feel it. The way his eyes match the emotion of confusion with worries written all over it makes you feel unsettled. You decided to sit beside him, staying silent for a little while before finally speaking.
"Why are you here...at this hour?"
You asked him, but his eyes remained gazing at the moon. Your question stayed lingering in the air and you felt like you didn't need to repeat it too. You waited, discarding the book you planned to read earlier to the side.
"A lot of things...happened," he spoke softly, his fingers playing with the grass."I need to take a breath so I went here, you wouldn't mind, right, my dearest?"
His golden eyes met yours, silently pleading for him to let him join you in silence. You wanted to ask why or what happened, but the look on his face states that you didn't need to. He's willing to tell you everything, after all, bottling all emotions at once is not a good idea.
You smiled, "I wouldn't."
A chuckle escapes from his lips, sighing afterward as he leans back to the tree, staring directly at the moon.Â
"Do you have any fears, y/n?"
You blinked. "Yes, of course. I think that goes with everyone else."
"What about, something you hate and fear at the same time?"
You hummed, taking in the question deeply and pondering your answer. "Hate and fear, you say? I guess I have some too. I mean, that's a very thin line. At most times, you can hate something because you fear it. Since it's something that makes you uncomfortable, you can grow to hate it."
"I see."
Silence followed his words after that. You rested your back on the tree.Â
"I fear...that someday, I won't be able to do the things I enjoy. That one day, I would face all the responsibilities and carry all the burdens for our family's position." He spoke softly.
You hummed, making sure that he knew you were listening. You're there to listen to all of his musings and worries, like what he always does to you.
"You know, my brother is a bit of a...slacker. He seldom does his work and is supposed to be responsible so I was the one being caught up in it. It's my role to do my own responsibilities and support my brother." He continued. His eyes drifted away from the moon to yours.
"I'm quite tired. I'm not really...I mean, it's my responsibility but, I think it's unfair or maybe I'm just being insensitive. This is my responsibility, I should shoulder it but I..."Â
You stared at him. His eyes look distraught like it's unable to convey the emotion he's feeling. It's too overwhelming for him. Most of the time, he's too calm and collected but his emotions are a haywire right now.
He doesn't know how to understand his own frustration right now. Why is he frustrated in the first place? He shouldn't be. It's his role to serve the commerce guild, he's a disciple of justice. What is he thinking? Why is it so loud? Why is everything so loud inside his mind?
"Xingqiu." You called him but he remains soullessly staring at you, he's too absorbed by his thoughts and too concentrated on solving them by himself. He doesn't even notice that his eyes are already welling up to tears.
"Hey, Xingqiu." You gently caressed his cheeks, wiping his tears away with your fingers. He blinked at you, his eyes slowly returning to consciousness.Â
"It's alright to feel tired. It's fine to feel pressured. Don't downplay your emotions. It's normal to feel such a thing, you're not being irresponsible. It's not selfish to take a break. Most importantly, you do deserve a break from all of it."
"But if I don't-"
"But if you don't do your work, it will remain unfinished and might just pile up," you cut him off.Â
"I understand that, of course." You continued. "So for now, let's take a break together then tomorrow I'll help you. I can go around and ask for the things you need or sign some papers up. When we're done, I'll talk to your brother."
"W-Wait, why would you talk to my brother?" He questioned.
"Oh, there's nothing to worry about. I'm just going to inquire him with some-"
"Y/n, please don't." He looked at you with pleading eyes. "Please don't tell him."
You sighed. "I'm not going to. Unless it's from you, I'm not going to say anything. Don't worry about it. I'm just going to tell him that I will take you for a while."
"Take me?"
"Yes, take you. I would take you for some self-care treatment. You deserve it and I won't take no for an answer."
He hummed, his head resting on your shoulder. "And if something comes up..."
"If something big of a task came up, we would walk through it together. If it's a small one, leave it to your brother. I'm sure he can handle such small tasks."Â
You smiled as he sighed. "Are you sure about this?"
"I've never been this sure, my dearest."
He chuckled, smiling as he intertwined his fingers into yours. "Ah...I miss this feeling."
"Feeling of..?"
"Relief, my love. The feeling of calm and comfort. You're my safe haven, y/n."
I JUST GOT ALBEDO, LIKE THE PRETTY ALCHEMIST MAN??
LIKE THE DRIP?? THE FLOWER ELEVATOR??
IT'S EVERYTHING.
Btw, I'm currently working on a Xingqiu one-shot. Still in the middle of answering my General Math subject so I might post in by the end of this month. Thankiessss and have a nice dayyyy!
A/N: This is a second part to the one I wrote before. You can read the first part here "đđ". I'm sorry it took too long, I've been busy on school works. Anyway, hope you have a good day and enjoy reading.
Like the first one, there might be some curse words here 'cause again, it's Scaramouche.
Scaramouche isnât kind. Itâs an obvious observation everyone can deduce if they canât be fooled that easily. Heâs an embodiment of manipulation, in your opinion. You saw how his tactics work every now and then. Putting a mask of a friendly smile and nice words before turning into a venom that traps the prey. Without even knowing, he would slowly devour the knowledge of the prey or worst, even its life.
Every low rank Fatui members are scared of him. You always notice how they immediately fix their posture every time Scaramouche passed by them. Itâs almost like theyâre hugging themselves to shrink, afraid that one wrong move would send them to the jaws of death. You canât blame them, not when you saw how cruel and cold his eyes look every time, he looked at them.
So why?
Why did you put yourself into such thing?
A frustrated groan left your mouth as you slumped on your chair. Itâs been two weeks. Two weeks since you said those words to him and itâs the last time you saw him too. Though you donât know if itâs just coincidence but after submitting those files, the Tsaritsa tasked you to a mission to visit the city and look for some people. Itâs an easy work, as you found all of them in just a day and a half. But once youâre back, you never crossed path with Scaramouche again.
Until you learned he was also sent into a mission in Liyue. You deduced that it might be because of how the Tianquan of Qixing, also known as Lady Ningguang, is tightening their guard against the Fatui and investigating every Fatui business in their land.
In all honesty, youâre quite relief heâs not around since you didnât quite plan what would happen next or the conversation after that. But still, youâre quite disappointed upon not seeing the outcome yet. Even after knowing Scaramouche, you canât say for certain what would he say the next time you meet. Will the two of you talked about it? Or pretend it never did happen?
You sighed, your eyes landing on the clock. It was already past dinner time. You started fixing your table and organizing the files you've done for today. It's already late and you know how colder it is during night in Snezhnaya.
You shivered as you exit the headquarters. Mentally cursing yourself for not noticing the time. You can hear the whispers of the wind and the noise of the city as you walk, looking for a food to eat. You need something hot to control the temperature of your body or else you might find yourself sick the next morning. It's always better to be safe.
You ended up in a small inn that sells some hot soup. It somehow helped you calm your shivers a bit. It has a mild taste, the meat in the soup filling up your stomach.
"Travelling to Liyue is such a pain in the ass, you have no idea how many troubles I've encountered."
You blinked as soon as you heard his voice, stopping in action. You almost thought you're hearing things until he took a seat in front of you. His bored eyes met yours, eyebrows raising in question on how you stare at him.
"You're back."
He rolled his eyes. "Yeah, finally. Two weeks felt so fucking long."
You wanted to agree but you keep it for yourself in the meantime. You just hum in response, signaling him that you're listening.
"It's kind of late for dinner. Did you forget to eat again?" He questioned, his eyes fixating on the soup.
You wipe your lips, "You know me too much."
He scoffed. "Of course, I do, you're the most tolerable harbinger."
A smile formed your lips. "I wish I could say the same with you."
"No need to remind me. I know myself and if you're trying to piss me off, not a good time." He clicked his tongue, leaning in a chair with crossed arms. "We need to continue the conversation we had two weeks ago."
You coughed. "Sorry, uh, so how are we...?"
"How are we? I don't know Y/n. What do you think?"
"What do you mean 'what I think'?"
"It's your fault, you didn't even bother to wait for my reply. What kind of person is that? Confessing then leaving immediately?"
"I don't want an awkward silence after that!"
"An awkward silence? You didn't even give me a chance to talk."
"I'm nervous, okay? Don't scold me and just give your reply, goodness."
You took a deep breathe, trying to regain your posture. When you looked at him again, his eyes look amused. A small smile on his lips as he stared at you.
"What?"
"Did it bother you?" He questioned.
"What are you on-"
"Did the thoughts of 'I wonder what Scaramouche would reply' bother you so much? You even need to wait for two weeks, I bet that's the reason you're late for dinner."
You didn't answer. Now, you wanted to go out for some cold air. The burning sensation in your cheeks triggers the feeling of flying butterflies in your stomach.
He chuckled, "Wow, Y/n is getting trapped right now."
"I hope you'll have too much in your plate, you won't even leave the office."
He hummed. "If that's the case, how are we going to set the date then?"
"Date?"
He cringed. "Ew, did that word really just came out of my mouth?"
You laughed. "You said it yourself."
He sighed, âI can say it's fair then."
"What's fair?"
"You also make me do unfitting things, not for a harbinger, I don't give a fuck about that. It's just unfitting for me," he explained.
You nodded. "I can see that."
"Good. Now, let's leave this place. I still need to go back to the headquarters to send my reports. Go with me."
You scoffed. "I just got out-"
"Just join me, brat. It won't take that long," he insisted.
You sighed as you watched him stand up and leave the inn. Scaramouche will always be 'the balladeer'. Although, that's the first nickname he called you. It's nothing sweet but for some reason it made you happy inside. Maybe it's also because you're expecting something like this.
As the both of you head back to the headquarters, the same whirling sounds of cold wind surrounds both of you. The dancing of snowflakes all around, surrounding every area possible. It's the same but a little different. It's not that cold anymore, not when heâs here. His presence somewhat warming you and the sound of the tinkling bells in his hat makes you feel safe and comfortable.
Before you know it, you found yourself hiding a smile but if you looked at your side that time, you probably shouldâve known that itâs not just you. A small smile is also plastered in his lips, hiding beneath the shade of his hat.
I just learned that I already have 50 followers- hiiii, I'm not that active here since school work deadlines are always here and there but thank you for the follows!
Note: I have received a request of part 2 on Scaramouche one, it might took a while but I'm in the middle of writing it. Hopefully, I can finished it by this week.
That's all. I'm just dropping by. I hope you all had a great week!
A/N: This is an idea that suddenly popped out of my mind so I decided to write it. The reader is gender-neutral and this is a fluff. Enjoy reading and have a nice day!
Oh and there are some curse words cause it's Scara.
Being a harbinger is something you canât be fully proud of. At least, thatâs how you feel upon staring at the badge the Tsaritsa gave you. But you donât really have a choice, you canât just pass an opportunity of making your life a bit easier. Even if you try to deny the offer, your head would be a target for the Fatui. Surviving in the cold weather of Snezhnaya is already a pain in the back, you donât want to make it worse.
Your job as a harbinger is really simple. You seldom cut someoneâs throat as youâre more often assigned in âgathering information from the insideâ type of missions. When it comes to highly secured territories, youâre the one to take the lead. You donât need assistance or anything as you mostly take the act you also planned and set it in motion. Maybe itâs from the experience of once working in front of many people, wearing a mask to suit everyoneâs taste, pursuing them to trust you.
As the Tsaritsa told you, youâre competent. A people pleaser like you can read people so easily that one look can immediately give you an inference on the personality you will need to portray on your target. When it comes to finishing someone, you do it quickly. As soon as you got their trust, it was also the time to sing them a lullaby to their own doom.
A sigh escaped your lips, being a harbinger sets you in the boundary of everything. It always felt like youâre in between of opposing arguments. Itâs thrilling but also confusing, maybe itâs just your morals kicking you in the guts but itâs too late for that. The moment you bow down in front of the Tsaritsaâs throne, it was all gone.
âI never knew a deaf could be a harbinger.â
Your eyes shifted from your badge to the source of the voice. The sixth harbinger, casually hanging out in your officeâs couch. He must have entered your office while youâre busy paying attention on your thoughts.
âDo you have any idea how many times I knocked on your door? I wouldâve thought youâve been killed in your office if I didnât know you any better,â he continued.
âIâm thinking about important stuff, I didnât notice.â
He scoffed. âYou didnât even bother to apologize, how rude.â
You blinked at him, staring to his eyes. Scaramouche, or also known as Balladeer has been the one to always barge into your office like it was his own for the first months. The first time you met him was just like this, except the fact that youâre working on paper documents that time and he didnât knocked, he just barged in. You remember how he didnât ask your name and where you from, just straight up gave the file the Tsaritsa wanted to give to you, informing you with a bunch of small insults here and there before leaving and slamming the door.
Your first thought was maybe he didnât like you or your impression, not that it matters anyway. Until you found out that he also does that to other harbingers, especially when heâs having too much to work with in his plate.
âYou know, no matter how long you looked at that badge, it wonât disappear.â
You look at the balladeer with his statement. He stood up, slowly walking towards your table as he crossed his arms. âIâve been wanting to ask you this since itâs disturbing my thoughts, are you reallyâŠchickening out? After being here for so long, thatâs quite disappointing.â
You let out a scoff at his question, your eyes narrowing at his glinted eyes. You know how Scaramouche is, the way he works with his words to initiate tension. You wonât fall for it but still you wanted to admit how well he can cause tension and get away from it.
âYouâre askingâŠme? What happened to your âgood intuitionâ, the sixth harbinger?â You retorted, raising an eyebrow.
He chuckled. âThatâs more like you. I just hate how you always look at your stupid badge every time I see you, it irks me.â
âThatâs more like your problem, not mine.â
âI hate it still, so I will need an explanation.â
âWow, is this manipulation 101?â
âY/n.â He sternly called your name, his eyes softening a bit. âI wanted to know if something is bugging your mind, Iâll help if I can.â
You remained silent as a sigh escaped your lips. You reached for the file youâre supposed to read a while ago if only you didnât space out. âIt was nine days ago..â
He hummed urging you to continue. He sat down on the chair opposite to yours, waiting for your next words.
âWhen I learned something about a certain topic, itâsâŠquite bizarre.â
You looked at him seriously, his indigo orbs meeting yours. You can see how his trying to listenâŠhow his patience is slowly thinning out on your slow words and his own pretention.
A smile formed your lips. âGaslighting. Oh, what a bizarre topic and thing to do, right Scaramouche?â
You dramatically placed your hand on your chest as you gave him a look of pity. He clicked his tongue before standing up, fixing his hat in the process.
âFuck you and your stupid badge.â
You laughed. His visible frustration is entertaining, especially when he cussed. Something about his cussing words just hits deeply, you canât help but laugh.
âI waste my time for this stupid shit. I shouldâve known.â
As he took a step away from table, you quickly stood up, reaching for his hand to stop him. He looked back at you with an annoyed expression. He was about to slap your hands off him but he stopped as soon as he heard you talk.
âWait, alright. Iâm sorry. I mean, Iâm not half wrong but..I get the glimpse of what youâre trying to do. Just sit down. I promise, no more jokes.â
It took a couple of seconds before he spoke up. âNo more fucking jokes.â
You nodded. He let out a sigh before he propped down on the chair again. You sat again too as you compose yourself.
âWhat the fuck is your problem?â
You bit the insides from your cheek to prevent yourself from chuckling. Thatâs more like him, you thought.
âThis badge isnât mine, dumbass.â
He raised his eyebrows. âIs it from an agent? A traitor perhaps? Just say the word and Iâll finish them off-â
âNo need for violence, it was from a harbinger.â
His eyes widened a bit. âDid youâŠkilled a harbinger? Y/n, thatâs not how you raise your rank. Youâre a trai-â
âI didnât kill someone, why are you insisting that?â
He shrugged, leaning on the chair as he hums. He must have been playing with you as a revenge from earlier. What a child.
âItâs from a harbinger thatâs been bugging me. Not in a bad way,â you cleared out before he can even decide to say a violent statement again.
âBugging you but not in a bad way? What the heck is that supposed to mean?â
You mentally facepalmed, of course he wouldnât know. He probably never felt that way for someone too. Now, youâre rethinking your decisions on telling him. Time for a more direct approach.
âI think I like someone.â
Silence.
You were replied by silence for almost a minute before a chuckled erupted from him. You shook your head as you listen to his laugh.
âYou like someone? And you stole their badge because you like them? What a creepy move, are you a stalker?â
You rolled your eyes before you stand up, holding the file on your arms. âYeah, yeah, whatever. Iâll need to submit this file before dinner time, bye.â
As you held the doorknob, you can still hear his laughter from your back. Maybe, youâll tell him some other time but, you promised yourself. You even practice on the mirror on what to say, itâs ridiculous. Your eyes landed on the badge. Every time you look at it, it reminds you of the glint in his eyes then youâll see your reflection, making you ask yourself on how did you get yourself into this.
âHey, Scara.â
You turned around, his laughed slowly stopped as he looked at you.
âRemember the camp last month?â
His eyebrows furrowed. âWhy are you asking me about such a horrible day.â
âChilde accidentally took your badge then replace it since you were pretty mad that day. It wonât be a good result if youâve known he touched some of your belongings.â
He blinked. âAnd you didnât tell me? That rascal, good thing he know what will happen.â
âI actually found it so here you go.â
You hummed, taking a last look on the badge before you throw it to him. He easily caught it with one hand, staring at it for a second. You saw how his eyes widen a bit before glancing at you again.
âThis badgeâŠis mine and what you said about it earlierâŠâ
Your throat felt dry the moment you meet each other eyes. You tried to smile, forcing yourself to formulate some words your mind came up with.
âYouâre making me feel complicated things, itâs unfitting for a harbinger.â
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