* KNOT.
these hands will hold the world but it will never be enough.
babette merlo on the loss of charlie darling.
She lays in her bed in a pool of red and gold silk that had once been grand, wine and ichor spilled over from the cup of Aphrodite. Now, as the knocking increases and wakes her from her slumber, the staff member rushes inside with wild eyes and a rapidly moving mouth, itâs as if sheâs been slit from bow to sternum and left to bleed out. Suddenly, those colours around her seem to be a puddle of blood and broken halcyon bones. Babetteâs irritation folds at the waist. It bends over, topples, reshapes into something awful. She is a gaping wound in the middle of the Moulin Rouge.
The police -- theyâre here -- theyâre taking Charlie.
Her movements are made with a raw swiftness that has no eloquence. She is only a flower now if she is the tulip ripped from the garden bed and scattered in the storm. She leaves petals in her wake, the scent of her snagging on corners in her hurried pace, feathers from her robe falling like sad birds. Her sprint is so sudden and haphazard that she does not hear the next sentence that leaves the staff-girlâs mouth, careening as she is down the stairs with so little control that at one turn of corner her shoulder smashes into a wall, leaving a purple bruise that will bloom for days. The door to his quarters is open.
âCharlie!â She calls his name as an inverting star does. Hopeless. Clinging to a universe that has no more care for her. The room is empty. It takes only a few blinking moments to understand this, and in the race down to the entry of the Moulin Rouge, Babette begins to understand what has happened. The part in the dark, knowing part of her beats on: he is gone. She refuses to listen, to stop moving.Â
She is a pale blur in the entryway, salt water and silk and the blood loss of a girl who has lost something dear.
âChar--âÂ
There is a weight against her abdomen, a strong-arm to the bullet of her waist. A tall, unfamiliar man catches her as a car door at the foot of the entrance. He has the soothing tone and the apathetic face of a man of law. She moves forward and he pulls her back, and she screams his name again, this time with the break of her heart cracked into the middle of it, and she swears she sees the automobile shake. She thinks maybe itâs Charlie trying to come back to her, rattling against restraints the way Athena had in the head of her father before she sprang loose.Â
Mademoiselle Please is what the police call her, repeating again and again as she strains against them with further hysteria: Mademoiselle, please --Â
Mademoiselle Please, calm down. Mademoiselle Please, stop. Mademoiselle Please, step back. Mademoiselle Please, go inside.
The staff come for her shortly, and they keep her newly annointed surname.
Darling Please, Cherie Please, My-Love Please, Flower Please.
Blood and honey fills Babetteâs ears as she is coaxed into the arm of the den madame, the officer explaining the charges and planned action to the woman holding her. The detainee will be returned to London to face trial for his crimes. The worldâs colour drains, circling her before falling into the middle as if into a giant drain. Something hot and white moves rises from her stomach up her throat, and she has to cover her mouth to stop it from burning off her tongue and into the atmosphere. It takes her some time to recognize she is choking on the sound of a sob.
It falls out of her mouth nonetheless.
She hears, as she stumbles away from the woman and into the club with wavering step, someone call to get Evangette. Another yells for Vivienne. Neither will help, she wants to tell them. The one that can has been taken away, I am wounded, she wants to scream. I am bleeding and I cannot make it stop.
The vertigo numbs her as she takes to the stares once more, scenes from a life she had lived playing across the backs of her eyelids as she took the flights in dizzied haze. Her eyes, glassy and sweet-looking, see as little as a dollâs does as she climbs flights. Spilled champagne, sitting on his knee. The smoke of the fire and her body burning hours later. Cigarettes in his button-up shirt. Burned chicken and two bottles of wine. Wet thighs and soap on her palms as she runs a blade over his jaw. Drunk on the couch, fingers over mouths. Spinning around in a restaurant. Yellow sunlight and a knocking boat. Dark closeness and the weight of him.Â
Babette is outside the Red Room when she feels the mean, cold stone of loss slide down her throat and into her stomach, a reverse of the white star that had bitten up her lungs earlier. it rests in her stomach like a dreg from the bottom of the ocean, weighing her down and making her immobile. She cries then, in the moment before she can get to the door, collapsing as she turns the knob, and it is awful. There is no fancifulness to her sorrow, no beauty in the misery that can be visibly seen across her scrunched face. She is bent at the middle as she staggers into the room, the tears come hot and fast and relentless, until they burn her cheeks and eyes, turn her vision blurry until she can see nothing at all. Her pale hand covers her delicate mouth, trying to mask the sounds of pain escaping her as she wracks. Tiny noises of suffering escape her in spastic hiccups, her shoulders jolting up and down with the power of her weeping.Â
For the first time, she cries like a girl with something to lose.
She says something as she falls at the foot of the couch, trembling butterfly-wrists twitching for a cushion to grasp, and it might be No or Please or God Have Mercy Return Him To Me, or perhaps another rendition of his name. She has no recollection.Â
She tremors there for long moments, left on her knees as if begging forgiveness off a higher power, and there is no enlightenment that comes as she stands on weak legs and takes to a dark chestnut drawer. It takes three tries to open the wood box with her trembling hands, an effort made to look at the ring they had made of a costume piece, an attempt to soothe her choking heart with nostalgia. Instead, it only serves to panic her more. The sight of it sets her into even greater erraticism, storm clouds pouring down upon the angry sea, inciting it into madness. She clutches the ring suddenly and with enough tightness to bite into her palm, and where she grasps it, a red mark will be left where the carved sides chew at her soft flesh.Â
Give it back to me when youâre ready to return to what we were.
Babette clutches at her mouth again as a silent noise of loss wracks through her. She wishes in the way of a child -- hopelessly and with erratic repetition -- that he had never taken it off. She wishes he still had it resting over his heart, thumping into his ribs, as a reminder of her. She wants so desperately for him to go to sleep tonight holding a piece of her.
The walk to her bed has never felt lengthier, and by the time she arrives in her bed she feels as though she has lived through a week without sleep. The tears continue, steadily albeit quietly, as she changes. Here and now, she makes no change from silk to silk, velvet to velvet. Instead, she only strips everything off until she is nothing - only slim body and erratic heart - and turns off all the lights, blows out the candles, stifles the incense. She slides into her bed and pulls the covers around herself, hiding into the fabric. There, alone and stripped of all her beautiful things and wonderful comforts, she cries again. This time with soft, heartbroken noises, kissed into the velour of her pillows while she clutches at the ring between her breasts.
Here is the truth of the matter: there are not always exceptions for those that were meant to have a grand story. In our tale now, we know with certainty from our vantage point atop the velvet balcony that these two souls which we gaze upon loved one another. We can be sure that in due time, our players would have recognized the sapphire-desperate hunger of their matching hearts, and confessed to one another in ways most assuredly romantic and poetic. We can disconcert in the way of fact that they were meant for a life intertwined. As certainly as we ascribe that meat loves salt and midnight loves tragedy, we can ascertain that Babette Merlo and Charles Darling were knotted in a way that could have never untangled.
We can know all these things, and know it means nothing at all.
He loved her. She loved him. It should be said that in their last moments inhabiting the same space, they thought of one another at the exact same moment. And while this is a plot device found very lovely by permanent observers such as celestial bodies and other firmament hitchhikers, that is of no great help to us (or them) here.
They loved one another. And in the finale, when that end-of-act curtain came down heavy like the hand of god, it did nothing. While he craned his neck to find one last glance of her and she called his name to make her throat bleed, there was simply nothing else. It would not matter how voraciously he turned or she yelled. The timing was off -- they had missed it. The chance to see one another, perhaps, or potentially the ability to fulfill what a more truthful would call destiny.
The greatest thing you will ever learn is that not every show ends in applause. Sometimes there is only silence.















