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@spawnchats
We were at Wonderland getting lunch and there was a TV mounted on the wall, but the feed was messed up so it was just showing scrambled digital static. Younger: Look, it's my favorite channel! Me: Oh, the Garbage Channel. Younger: Did you mean 'the Donald Trump Channel'?
Elder: Hey, they have a 'Canada 150' flavor of ice cream. I wonder what that tastes like. Me: Mayo and Saltines. Elder: Saltines are only 150 years old? Me: ...no, it's a joke. Because white people are crackers and Saltines are crackers, and Canada 150 is about white people colonizing Canada, and mayo refers to white people too... Elder: Oh. I thought you meant that Saltines were invented when Canada started.
We had this conversation hours ago and I just now realized that he didn't even question the idea that somebody would make ice cream flavored like mayo and Saltines. *barf*
Younger: The commercial for the new season of "Alone" says there's a change in the rules. I bet now you have to find a partner. Me: But the whole point of the show is that they're alone. They can't just change it to partner survival. Younger: What do you think it is? Me: Maybe they have to find the others in the wilderness and then kill them, so they're still alone but then they're the winner. Younger: ...what is wrong with you?
Elder: "So my teacher said our class was going to be learning 90's dances for P.E., and we'd be doing the Safety Dance. And then we'd be performing it for the whole school at an assembly. RIP: my dignity."
So we were out at a restaurant, doing Mad Libs at dinner while waiting for our food to arrive. Things were progressing normally, with the kids suggesting words like "dank", "John Cena", "fat cats", or other odd but acceptable terms. Then I asked for a noun and Daddy said, "Giant testicle." The kids started cackling.
Me: Now you're done it. The wall is down. Younger: YEAH! The wall is down! Me: *sighs* Noun. Younger: CONDOMS!
I'm going to count it as a #ParentingWin that that's the first place Younger's mind went.
The kids were helping me do my CPR practice. When approaching a victim, we're taught to check the scene for hazards. To remind us what to look for, we've been taught the phrase, "No fires, no wires, no thugs, no drugs, no glass, no gas." So then this happened:
Me: *walking in circle around stuffed cow "victim"* No fires, no wires, no thugs, no drugs, no glass, no gas. Younger: You're wrong. Me: What? Younger: There's gas. Because I FARTED.
Younger: Let's talk more about cat hair in food. Me: Well, it doesn't add any protein. It doesn't add any taste that I'm aware of. I think the only things that like cat hair in food are probably coyotes. Elder: I thought you were going to say 'Caillou.' Me: CAILLOU THE CAT EATER. That needs to be a Christmas special. Elder: That's how they euthanize cats. They just bring them to Caillou.
Me: AW MAN Younger: What? Me: See, when people have boobs, food falls into your boobs and then you have to fish it out. The problem is if you've tucked your onesie strings into your onesie and you're cleaning up after eating cookies and you mistake the knot on your onesie string for booby food and stick it in your mouth. Spawnlings: AHAHA OH MY GOD BOOBY FOOD- Me: Booby food is totally a thing! Spawnlings: AHAHAHA- Me: Let me show you this thing about booby grapes on the internet. I swear this is not just me. Elder: Mama, _everything_ is a thing on the internet.
Frolic, commenting on a tv commercial for a movie: Oh look, it's a naked baby. Younger: I can't wait for that movie! Me: Younger likes anything with a naked baby in it. Younger: No, that's cat balls. Those are two different things.
Me: *stomach grumbles* Younger: *pokes me in the stomach* Fart, Mama! Fart! Me: I don't need to fart. That was just my stomach grumbling because I'm hungry. Younger: ...well, this is awkward.
Younger: My farts are SO RANK. I think something died in there. Me: If it makes you feel better, my body is currently gushing decomposed uterine lining. Younger: GOD, MAMA, DID YOU HAVE TO PUT THAT OUT THERE?!
Appalling the kids is the best. XD
Me at the dinner table, in the context of discussing pinball: They can be resold for a lot as long as they've been taken care of, like don't let the balls wear grooves in the wood. Spawnlings: Ahahaha- Me: Oh come on, "balls" in that context doesn't work as a double entendre. You can't laugh at that. Spawnlings: -ahahaha- Me: Fine. *throws hands up* PENIS! Younger: *throws hands up* DIABEETUS!
Dude on reality TV show, referring to how he's going to eat all the fish he catches: I mean, I can't fit ten fish up my butt. Me: Now there's a mental image. Spawnlings: Ahahaha- Me: Like not TEN fish? So he can comfortably fit NINE fish up his butt just ten is just one too many? Younger: OH. MY. GOD, Mama.
It's so fun having kids old enough to mess with. XD
I do my best, but sometimes conversations go like this:
Preteen girl on TV show: My mom has dated too many guys. Me: Well, that's some BS. Younger: Why? Me: There's no such thing as dating too many people. Dating is all about figuring out what you like or don't like, so date as many people as you want. Suggesting that she's dating too many guys is just slut-shaming, saying women should be pure as the driven snow- Elder: Snow isn't pure! Me: My point is that it's ridiculous, she can see men- Younger: SEMEN AHAHAHA- Me: See-space-men, not semen, you gross little muffin- Younger: AHAHAHA SEMEN.
Younger: Why is my DS dying [running out of batteries] already? Me: It's because I sneak into your room and play it while you're out. Younger: Do you touch my cartridges?! Me: I touch every single one. I like the way they feel all square and plasticky. Younger: I'M CALLING SECURITY.
I noticed Younger muttering, "Deutschland," to himself repeatedly earlier tonight. Finally I asked, "Are you saying Deutschland?"
Younger: ...yeeeah. Me: Why? Elder: Because it's the f-word in Swedish. Me: What? No, it isn't. Elder: Yes it is. He saw a video explaining it. Me: So you've been saying "Deutschland" because you think it's cursing in Swedish? Younger: Yes. Me: Well, it's wrong. It just means "Germany" in German. Younger: No, it's the f-word in Swedish. There was a Swedish guy on the video who explained it. Me: No. It means Germany. The Swedish dude just made a video to fool kids, unless what he said actually isn't "Deutschland" and you're mangling the pronunciation. Younger: My pronunciation is great! Me: Then you're saying "Germany". Younger: ... Me: Oh man, your Uncle is going to laugh at this one. He grew up in Germany and knows German. Younger: *desperately* But the guy was Swedish!
(For the record, I looked it up; according to Google Translate, "fuck" in Swedish is "knulla".)
So recently the kids and I have been making Elf on the Shelf jokes, like I showed them a pic of a donkey in a field and we all laughed about "Ass on the grass".
Today we were discussing fascism and the "bash the Fash" movement. Elder suddenly said in his radio-announcer voice, "You've heard of Elf on the Shelf and Ass on the Grass... now get ready for Fash in the Trash! Because that's where they belong."
We all had a good laugh, but I was so damn proud inside.