Like A Bird On The Wing

Mama // Musician // Mrs

[engulfes]

Literally what did olivia laing say about loneliness leading to more loneliness. Loneliness being so repulsive that people sense it from you and stay away. Crazy crazy

[engulfes]

[engulfes]

Furthermore:

[speedbonnyboat]

Doing a huge clothes sort out, but not getting rid of everything because we keep talking about having one more baby (maybe when I’m halfway through studying because I get NHS bursaries and childcare support?). This is a tricky year but it eases up in year 3/4 and there is on campus childcare and I’m not the only mature student talking about how manageable it might be compared to when we’re in our qualifying year after graduating 🫢

[speedbonnyboat]

Can I get a hell yes because I just got my period and I was convinced we’d accidentally caught an egg 😅 three negative pregnancy tests and my period shows up three days late while I’m in the middle of peeing on test #4. The unbelievable relief guys. I want to run out of here high fiving everyone with my negative test.

I love babies, I think perhaps down the line we may have another baby but maybe not. Maybe simply wanting one isn’t enough of a reason. There are lots of ways we can add to our family, and we have no extended family support, and I want to have at least two years of no breastfeeding or being pregnant before we make any decisions because I suspect once we’re out of baby mode we wouldn’t want to go back to it 😅. My current aim is that I don’t want to celebrate world breastfeeding week for 10 years in a row (on my 8th year).

HIGH FIVES GUYS!

[speedbonnyboat]

I’m going to post this here because said person will get mad at me but if someone you’re very close to went abroad and caught Covid and paid for a fake PCR test so they could come back into the UK and is still testing positive on lateral flows but is going around as normal (albeit masked) you’d be annoyed too, right? I can’t believe I even have to question myself right now tbh.

[speedbonnyboat]

In the end it was a nice day. I am so relieved. My in laws ended up behaving so strangely that it made my parents seem comparatively ok. Our sleeping situation was taken seriously and we’ve got comfortable beds.

I can breathe. It’s ok. The kids have had a wonderful time. It’s also a good reminder for me to remember that this relationship will always be complicated and probably never be what I need or want but I’m able to intermittently see them with lessening effects to my own well-being. I can take regular breaks, and regular dog walks with Stuart and Rudy and my children and my nephew get on very well and that’s an important relationship to keep intact.

Made it unscathed. I’ll drink to that.

[speedbonnyboat]

Lord give me strength, I am here to rant about my parents again. I haven’t even got to my parents house yet and they’ve already managed to make me feel like I’m overly demanding for needing a safe place for all five of us to sleep.

We’re meant to be leaving today but I’ve already had an argument with them.

Dudes live in a 13 bedroom house and they can’t find a way to make us comfortable at Christmas? My sister and her partner and their one child have a self contained flat at the top of the house when they come and stay, with a living room and kitchen and separate bathroom.

I said to them the only way we can come for Christmas is if we actually have beds to sleep in. I never feel like anyone appreciates how much work goes into dragging a family of five and a dog across the country with presents and everything and we’re only going because they made me feel guilty because we said No originally. And now I’m feeling guilty again because the one thing I asked for hasn’t been done. I was thinking about bringing a camping bed but then Stuart pointed out it takes a while to self inflate, which changes our plan to drive late at night while the kids are asleep and also we are going to struggle for space with ALL the stuff we are bringing. All of this could be fine if I had parents who communicate but when I called up to ask exactly what beds they have for us so we know what to bring, my dad pipes up in the background to remind me that they’re massively going out of their way for us and basically that I should be grateful for whatever I get and then I burst into tears and hung up.

Why why why why why am I bothering why why why

[speedbonnyboat]

Today I have woken up feeling like the system that schools were built upon is inherently flawed and needs dismantling 😂

Still, I think we will try it for a term. We’ve never had childcare, apart from briefly a nanny for a few weeks when Jesse was 1yo. I don’t even think it’ll work but I think we need to explore it as an avenue and either it works and it’s great or it’s an idea that we put to bed.

Downsides are that we are currently unknown to our local education authority and this will put us on the radar. We were always going to get found out though. A term would give us a chance to do the essential things we need to do to the house. If they like it they can stay, if they don’t like it they can go. I expect it would be a slow and phased process anyway.

I’m scared though, that their natural curiosity and enjoyment of writing and drawing and playing will get stifled. I have questions about the SENDCO and to find out how many children at the school are neurodiverse as I’m fairly sure jesse is autistic and scout has adhd but I’m not going to mention it right now. I want to see if they’re clever enough at picking it up after a week or two. They probably won’t be because Jesse is so good at masking and they’ll think Scout is just a 4yo.

But we are going to explore it as an option. We are not signing anyone up for anything. We are just exploring it.

[speedbonnyboat]

We are on the verge of sending the kids to school for two days a week. I am feeling some big feelings about this. It’s a decision we came to together, we just need a little extra time/childcare and there’s a school locally that I remember reading a post about in a home Ed group as they were looking to offer flexi school spaces on a very flexible basis because they need more funding as they’re a tiny village school. I appreciate that transparency as it means we have some leverage as opposed to getting in touch with a school and trying to win them round.

Friday we visit, the kids are keen, if it doesn’t work out we withdraw them. Man, I hate schools though. I love our kids being free to explore all the things they enjoy but the pandemic has really killed our vibe and the opportunities to socialise with people who aren’t into their Covid conspiracies has really diminished.

I don’t know but we’re gonna meet the schoolC ask questions, maybe do a trial in sept. We’ll see. Two days a week is my preference but I suspect they’ll push for three…but we’ll see. Having other home ed families there would also make a big difference for us if there are other signing up. That would be a big positive.

[speedbonnyboat]

I got through the visit unscathed but not without a cost to my well-being and ability to function happily today. We were planning on going for the bank holiday at the end of the month but I don’t think it’ll be a good idea. The sad thing is that Jesse loves his grandparents and auntie and cousin and he was crying when he left. I feel awful that I can’t just deal with my issues and spend more time with them for his benefit but I also know he has lovely friends where we are, and we’re beginning to gain good people in our lives now. Idk. I’m so tired in my bones. I’m going to have a really long soak in the bath when I finish teaching.

[speedbonnyboat]

I’m going to my parents’ housefor the first time in many many months. My mum has been to help while I gave birth to Rudy, but I’m mostly feeling nervous about seeing my dad. He didn’t react well when I tried to put boundaries in and I suspect it’s going to be an emotionally loaded couple of days. Wish me lots of luck.

[speedbonnyboat]

Our town, like many towns, has a “rock” hiding group, where people paint rocks and then people find them and re-hide them.

When the kids find a rock, they don’t like to play the game. They like to keep the rocks, which is not very community spirited but I also kind of like that they keep the rocks.

I think it’s because I don’t really like things that I consider pithy. I have an inner grinch. Maybe it’s jealousy, that some people are able to find small doses of happiness in little things when I find happiness so hard to come by. I felt the same way when everyone had rainbows in their windows, and now I have a strong desire to ruin the rocks game by making my own rocks which have obscenities on them. I will not do this. But I really want to. Stuart is the same way inclined.

And then we wonder why our kids are so oppositional 😅

[speedbonnyboat]

I have a recurring nightmare that I’ve had since Jesse was born, where I go and do something (in this case it was hanging out with friends in London) and I realise I’ve left the kids on their own but I was having so much fun that I forgot. Then the rest of the dream is about me trying to frantically get home to them and trying different ways of calling them but to no avail. I always wake up before I get home.

It’s super unsettling. I think it’s my brain reminding me that my kids are the most important thing to me, in case I forget. It’s horrible though 😣

[speedbonnyboat]

Jesse is obsessed with Rudy’s cheeks. Stuart and Scout went out, and Jesse got to have a cuddle. Trying to be a bit sensitive to Scout, because I’m pretty sure he’d be outraged if he saw his big brother fussing over his baby bro.

[speedbonnyboat]

Oh! Pleasantly surprised that I’m back to my pre baby weight. I mean, my body is *gestures* still incredibly post partum looking 🤣 I tend to lose weight quickly straight after pregnancy but then the breastfeeding later down the line is where I gain it back. I think I’ve gained about 2 stone since I had Jesse, or maybe a bit more. I do try not to keep track though. Such is life.

Rudy isn’t quite up to his birth weight though - although he’s only lost 4% of weight so it’s not a concern. Just marking him off in his red book, he’s gone from the 99th centile to the 98th centile so I think he’s going to be fine 😅

[speedbonnyboat]

Aww I really want to have a Mayan abdominal massage or a closing the bones massage. I just don’t feel comfortable going to some middle class white lady who is profiting off indigenous South American teaching.

My abuela wouldn’t have been great at this side of things though. She birthed 12 children, and from what my mum says she found the whole aspect of pregnancy and birth really traumatic. In terms of my whole family history actually, there’s a lot of reproductive issues and difficult births. My mum is one of 12, and my dad is one of 10. Sometimes I wonder if I’m carrying that generational trauma around.

My tia who lives in Bolivia did call me up though, she looked after me when I was a baby until I was about 7 and she was like another mum to me. She’s really happy I’ve had three boys, because she has three boys too. She’s glad we have that in common. It’s nice.

[speedbonnyboat]

I tried to explain to Jesse the concept of “not being able to pour from an empty cup”. He seemed a bit stressed out today.

Jesse: my cup isn’t just empty today, it’s always empty because SCOUT NEVER LEAVES ME ALONE HE TALKS SO MUCH

Scout: *outraged face* what, you mean ME? You never leave ME alone!

Jesse: you mean you want to be alone sometimes?

Scout: yes!

Jesse: .....oh. Should we have a pillow fight?

Then Stuart took Jesse upstairs to play minecraft together, and I could hear Jesse saying as he walked upstairs “yes this is a good idea this will definitely fill my cup”

They’re both doing really well with the adjustment. At least, they’re not holding anything in, which is amazing. Scout had such a huge meltdown last night, the biggest ever meltdown ever. It was because they did an Easter egg hunt and the prize at the end was not what he wanted, and also a friend of mine bought him hot wheels which he didn’t want either. It would have been better if he had no presents. Stuart took him to the 24hr Asda to pick a toy he liked. There’s a time for teaching them lessons, but we’ve got a bit of money put aside and if it has to go on stuff for the kids, we’re prepared for that.

While they were gone, I gave Jesse a bath, which he enjoyed. He loves water, and went to sleep quickly which he does when he’s relaxed. It’s hard though, we’re prioritising their feelings over our own right now which I think is a better idea in the long run but me and Stuart have our own big feelings and empty cups. My mum left yesterday, and she’s been really helpful but also I don’t find it easy to be around my family, and it was only when she left that me and Stuart could have a really big cry about just how hard it’s been.

So yes. Stuff. But we’re ok. I cried on Stuart and I was like “why didn’t the universe respond to my demands for an easy birth and an easy transition for everybody where nobody feels anything and the process of bringing a whole new life into the world is simple” and Stuart laughed, because the universe gives you what you’re given. And I know that. But I still feel annoyed at it.

[speedbonnyboat]

And then we went to hospital for his last outpatient appointment and his cannula was leaking so they were debating putting another one in, but his CRP number has come down to 3 (it was 18 initially) so they decided he could be discharged without the final dose as that’s a very low number. Many many feels. Happy feels. I can’t believe I’m going to be experiencing a life outside of hospital, and yet he’s only one week old? Time is so subjective.