Thinking Alone In Public

A place where I can detail my thoughts without association, and perhaps get feedback/meet people who can relate.

[spill-out-the-words]

I wish I could show you all how important you are to me.

[spill-out-the-words]

I hate reality.

It’s so bleak and I’m so afraid of it. Is it okay to feel that way? Reality triggers panic. I hide. I look away. I look away from what makes me panic.

I tried to google answers. I googled several things including, “can’t cope with reality.” But anything I saw just filled me with rage and an impulse to punch my phone. I’m screaming in my head. I have such frustration. I tire of being powerless. Maybe that’s what makes us, the “magic” ones, who we are. We tire of being powerless, but as consequence of our powerlessness, have not the means to grasp it. When the certain few haven’t the means to change their fate, when the certain few feel trapped but refuse defeat, they turn to their own minds. They turn to magic. To spells and incantations. Or maybe that’s just nonsense. Maybe the spoken truth was left at the first Maybe.

——

One day, texting became speaking. That was the day thoughts became synonymous with words. Why does it sometimes feel like I’m living a lie. That mine enjoyment is undeserved. That I’m no good. I don’t really try. If I just do what comes easy to me, If I just do what comfortable, am I truly good? Must good be uncomfortable? If we are to be “good people” must we suffer? Or can we be selfish /and/ good? And what does it mean to be good? Why is good good and why do we idolize it?

What is our first understanding of the word “good” and it’s meaning? Is it mom? Is it food? Is it sleep? What is our first good? I’m sure it differs. And I wonder how that “first good” plays it’s part in shaping us. And same for the “first bad”.

I wonder, would would carry more weight? The first bad/good? Or the worst bad/best good? Can the both carry the most weight simultaneously? The first to carry more long term and personality weight, and the second to carry the most present weight.

Why must it all be complicated. Why must what’s complicated make me feel ill. My world (the world as it stands 8:38 pm Sat. May 16,2020) feels like and endless convoluted jumble of twine I may never untangle. It doesn’t help any that no one can understand me and that I understand no one.

I feel shaken. Ever since she said it today. Ever since last night. And since I heard.

My plants I swore to protect and meant it with all my heart have all died. I believed that I loved them like people. And scarily perhaps I do. For Mrs Dee loves hers much more than mine, as hers have thrived and blossomed and bloom. I believed I love my dogs. And yet, seeing them with Nebo, they made him much happier than we have in a very long time. They played, and spoke, and shared like equals. Like a family. And Tater, I was certain I loved her, but Rosemary noted today how taters every movement was so pained and labored. How had I not noticed? I mean.. I knew... but how had I not really truly known? I feel so distressed... and Snuffer... Peanut... how I said I loved her. I fretted over her as a baby, I yearned for her to grow and be healthy and happy, yet I never much wanted to hold her on my own. And then recently, how it bothered me to see her in the cage. I wished she could be free. And happy. And healthy like a squirrel. But I never much wanted to set aside my own time for her. That was my parents job. And now... she’s gone.. and I miss her terribly. And I’m crying right now as I type because I’m so scared. I’m scared for her teeth and her sweetness and the cats... I’m not sure she’ll make it... she so domestic now... for god’s sake mom was feeding her fenchfries.... And I so regret not doing more. Not seeing more. And yet realistically I don’t think I’d change. I want so much for her to be safe and happy and healthy and yet, I want it to be someone else who provides. What’s wrong with me? God I hope she’s okay. I want her to come back home. I want her to be okay

——-

Why the hell does everyone say that they’re socially awkward? How can we possibly all be “socially awkward”? That makes no sense to our past. What’s it mean of the now? What changed?

“Alright, but I don’t want to give you a brain ache. >~< it’s a lot of nonsense rambles and feels that represent only a portion of feels.”

——

I googled “my mind is a tangle of yarn”.

And the first article discussed 3 approaches. Two to be ill suited and a third to be preferred: untangle it.

Reading it made me feel angry.

What happens when it can’t be untangled? What then?

I’ve been lost in the yarn labyrinth for years now. Don’t you think I’ve been TRYING to untangle? But it just never ENDS. Like ouroboros.

————

Have you ever had so many things you’ve wanted to do that you got overwhelmed and did none of them?

[spill-out-the-words]

Be genuine to your self in every moment. And use that truth to your benefit. Stop separating mind from body.

——

Success to me,

Making the best out of every situation.

Making your own happiness.

Standing strong when hit with the rapids.

Making good decisions, dealing with your terrible ones. Learning from them. Forgiving yourself. Forgiving others. Being understanding.

Things are as hopeless as you decide they are. Hope is not blind faith, but the determination not just to survive, but to live. I’m every sense of the word. You can make things better. You CAN. But you have to believe it, and you have to be willing to do everything necessary to accomplish that.

——-

You don’t have to try so hard to be yourself. Because you already are you. You don’t have to exhaust yourself on the little details. Be as you are. Feel how you feel, but acknowledge that your feelings don’t define you. They’re here, they happen, but the will pass.

——-

Don’t burden others unnecessarily, but acknowledge that you are human and sometimes it’s unavoidable. Apologize, forgive yourself, and move on.

[spill-out-the-words]

The kitten died.

Why does watching something we know to be fiction feel so much more real than actual reality which we know to be reality?

[factuallyfsychotic]

I call myself a witch but sometimes I just wonder if I’m delusional. I see things, a lot of very detailed things. And little men. But I can’t decide if that’s because I see them, or because I want to see them. I also can’t decide if they are real or in my head. I also can’t decide if there is even really a difference. I don’t want to tell people, because I’m not even sure if I’m actually experiencing what I am possibly experiencing. What if I just subconsciously want -

Well, it can be hard to convince yourself that magical things aren’t real, so I wouldn’t start there, but you can convince yourself that you’re not one of them. Like say magical things do exist, what is the chance you would be one of them? Very slim.

As for the little men, nobody wants to hallucinate. Not even witches.

[spill-out-the-words]

What makes it so slim? How do you know? It’s just, like, common opinion doesn’t account for other things. We all just say what we think we know is true. Regardless of whether magical things exist, I experience something. Regardless of whether my brain is fine/average and I am self deluded, or whether this is something more going on, the things I have experienced aren’t new to human experience. Basically: Everything to me seems just as likely true as it is unlikey to be.

So which is which? Can things be true and untrue at the same time?

It all confuses the shit out of me. I don’t fully believe in things and I also don’t completely not believe in them. I simply have no clue.

And I don’t mind the little men. But I’m not so sure they count as hallucinations. I don’t see them the way I see myself and others. I see them differently. Which, doesn’t make sense but I can’t really explain it. Anyway, as I said I don’t mind them. I just wish I could find a person that experienced similar things.

[factuallyfsychotic]

Sorry, I’ve put this off for a while because I was trying to make it a non-mega reply, I think I’ve found a way.

The chances of it being slim I’m going to just list and briefly explain:

Percentage of population: it’s very likely a very small percentage of the population or it would be a much more popular superstition than it actually is

Genetic factors: it’s more likely to be genetic (as obviously not a lifestyle choice) than random, which lowers your odds again because your odds decrease with each family member. Then there’s the odds that it is your family that has the gene, which is even less than the percentage of population

General statistics: don’t get me wrong, statistics mean absolutely nothing to the individual, but that’s where the very slim comes in

Our senses are our reality, I’m not denying your experience I’m questioning whether it adheres to the mass reality we all live in. An easy solution would be trying to prove it to someone else. Not me please, that shit really freaks me the fuck out. Like even no jokes and I fucking love a wind up.

It kind of feels like you’ve had one too many drinks in the company of schrodinger and have never recovered from it! Antonyms cannot be in the same state at the same time. That was an applied example tailored to our mass reality.

I’d say it counts. What do they do?

[spill-out-the-words]

I see.

Last thoughts:

1. I won’t tell you more out of respect for your request.

2. antonyms can, that’s what an oxymoron is. If you don’t understand what I’m trying to express by that then it’s okay.

Words fall short of true experience.

What’s true in one sense can be false in another and no one sees anything in complete objectivity. The nature of our existence provides that everyone has a personal perspective lens (refined by time and experience). You can’t experience our kind of consciousness and be able to evaluate reality fairly.

——-

In regards to the little men. They don’t do much of anything. They don’t talk. Sometimes they just stand still. Sometimes they move chaotiy without rhyme or reason. Sometimes they dance. Once I saw them climbing in from my window. I see their little hands and faces stickin out from this crawl space thing next to my bed. Last night I could have sworn I saw them riding small horses

[spill-out-the-words]

Nobody here but me

[spill-out-the-words]

“I’m not crazy I’m just a little unwell -I know right now you can’t tell. Stick around and maybe then you’ll see, a different side of me”

[factuallyfsychotic]

I call myself a witch but sometimes I just wonder if I’m delusional. I see things, a lot of very detailed things. And little men. But I can’t decide if that’s because I see them, or because I want to see them. I also can’t decide if they are real or in my head. I also can’t decide if there is even really a difference. I don’t want to tell people, because I’m not even sure if I’m actually experiencing what I am possibly experiencing. What if I just subconsciously want -

Well, it can be hard to convince yourself that magical things aren’t real, so I wouldn’t start there, but you can convince yourself that you’re not one of them. Like say magical things do exist, what is the chance you would be one of them? Very slim.

As for the little men, nobody wants to hallucinate. Not even witches.

[spill-out-the-words]

What makes it so slim? How do you know? It’s just, like, common opinion doesn’t account for other things. We all just say what we think we know is true. Regardless of whether magical things exist, I experience something. Regardless of whether my brain is fine/average and I am self deluded, or whether this is something more going on, the things I have experienced aren’t new to human experience. Basically: Everything to me seems just as likely true as it is unlikey to be.

So which is which? Can things be true and untrue at the same time?

It all confuses the shit out of me. I don’t fully believe in things and I also don’t completely not believe in them. I simply have no clue.

And I don’t mind the little men. But I’m not so sure they count as hallucinations. I don’t see them the way I see myself and others. I see them differently. Which, doesn’t make sense but I can’t really explain it. Anyway, as I said I don’t mind them. I just wish I could find a person that experienced similar things.

[spill-out-the-words]

Social media is lonely. Lonely and bored. I do it to myself. Why is being me so hard for me to be?

[fucking-voices-kill-me]

I don’t wanna grow up..

[spill-out-the-words]

I never realized how average I was XD literally all of these things were a part of my childhood

[otorohanga]

a guide to exploring abandoned farms

essential supplies include: plenty of food and water, a change of socks, a hat, rope, bandaids, a knife, gloves, an acorn in your pocket, and an offering

there are always odd noises on the farm. half of them come from the animals

try to forget what the lake looks like between the hours of three and four AM

never ever find yourself alone in the milking shed in the south end of the farm. time passes differently there

if you happen to hurt yourself in your exploration, make sure you do not bleed onto the dirt

bring plenty of water, you do not want to drink from there

the cows will watch you, this is normal

close every gate you open, even if the fields are empty. don’t ever leave one open behind you, just trust me

beware unstable rocks, the cracks tend to be filled with insect nests

bring a weapon with you, but no guns

if you see someone else while exploring, never tell them your name. you can never be sure if they are real or not, and further out you go, the less real they will seem. the patupaiarehe have evolved in cruel and unusual ways

do not go inside the empty share-milkers cottages, whatever you do, do not go inside. something else lives there now

a tree with the undersides of its leaves showing mean that a storm is coming. a tree with no leaves means the storm has already come

sometimes the hills look like they’re moving. be aware of this, because some things don’t like to be disturbed

do not sleep under the full moon, in fact, just don’t sleep on the farm

finding skulls is normal, only become worried when you start finding ribs

if you find yourself lost in a forest, continue walking in a straight line until you are free again. the trees may make it look as though you are going in circles, but i promise you’re not. ignore the soft music you can hear

your phone won’t work out here

the ghosts from the land wars won’t harm you, but be sure to show them respect

don’t take anything from the farm with you when you leave. just be grateful you have made it out alive

[kittleimp]

This is labeled as New Zealand Gothic so there are a few things specific to NZ here, but I live in Michigan and let me tell you. This isn’t a joke, not is it region specific. There is a farm my father has visited since childhood that never felt right. He once saw a black mass that they don’t like to talk about. A few years ago a swarm of flies attacked his tent one morning while he was camping with a friend. That same day, he became suddenly and violently ill. He brought whatever attached itself to him back home and it didn’t leave until we did a full cleansing ritual.

Do not fuck around on farm land. Especially if you don’t know what was on that land before it.

[flyingpurplepizzaeater]

@aprilwitching

[carmot-arch-deactivated20240621]

I actually need to add to this because there’s some stuff the locals out in Missouri told me.

around dawn/dusk/twilight if you feel something behind you, don’t turn around.  Even if you are in an open field

you hear a woman crying in the woods, hope that its probably a cougar.  dont go looking for it

avoid the woods around these farmlands if you can

dont cross streams

try not to be there around the evening time.  whatever you’re feeling will get worse and might follow

if you’re religious, don’t bring any artifacts of such if you can.  crosses etc.  it can upset whatever is there.  

I dont care how pretty the rock is, don’t pick it up

avoid going in most buildings.  not just the ones listed above.  especially barns.  look in, look around, don’t physically walk in there. not only is it structurally unsafe, you don’t know whats hiding in there.  corporeal or not.

lastly, before you leave.  check your belongings and pockets and anywhere anything you can stash stuff in. chances are you will be missing something, that’s normal.  if you had something there you didn’t before.  sometimes they just happen to be there even with no recollection.  get rid of it on that land, not off of it!

[mindfulwrath]

A Simplified Guide To Exploring Abandoned Farms, by MindfulWrath

Don’t

[gravedice]

@floweryfallacies

[thornedprincett]

Don’t forget that if you start singing and something joins in, do not look for it.

No matter what you do, do NOT attempt to communicate with spirits. They are many, they are ancient, and they are powerful.

Those flowers are beautiful but do not take one for yourself, you’re proposing a trade with the land and you will not like what it decides to take in return.

If you feel like you’re being followed, don’t turn around but walk over the cow grates half buried in the ground. This will make them stop.

And the last thing I’ve learned, whatever you do or don’t believe, these lands abide by different rules and they abhor having these rules broken.

[ohfortheloveofgaming]

As someone who lived on a farm in Nebraska, I can absolutely reassure you this is true and should absolutely believe it.

The farm areas work a little differently in my area, and I’m not sure if anyone has a similar area, but I’ll add to this just in case.

• Avoid the train tracks. Something is always waiting there. Whether it wants to hurt you or just wants to watch depends on its mood.

• Don’t follow the strange lights. Avoid them at all costs.

• Do NOT follow the dirt road at sunset or nighttime. The ones who wait there do not like you and are willing to do anything to get you out, including hurt you.

• If you are in a car and feel as though you are being followed, DO NOT look in the back seat. There will ABSOLUTELY be something there, and sometimes these things do not want to leave after being seen. They feed off your attention.

• If you’re being followed, get out of that area and go a but further. Maybe a lot further. They like to ensure you won’t come back. (I never learn)

• DO NOT speed to get away from something that’s following you, especially near the train tracks or on the dirt road. They will match your speed, no matter what it is. They’re trying to spook you. They’re trying to get you out of their territory. Speeding on these roads only heightens your chance of a crash.

• Try not to listen to the growling or howling. Don’t yell at it. It’s not always your dog(s). Yelling attracts it to you.

• AVOID THE FREAKING BARN. AVOID THE AREA SURROUNDING THE BARN. DO NOT MESS WITH THE BARN.

• IF YOU OPEN A GATE, S H U T . I T .

• You WILL see things. Do NOT investigate the black, hunkering figure in the distance. It disappears when you get close. It might be trying to lead you away. I don’t know enough about it yet, and I don’t want to.

• If you’re in pain for seemingly no reason, get out of that area fast. Something’s trying to hurt you.

• Don’t challenge them. They WILL win.

[magicamongthestars]

Grimoire Ideas📖✨

   since i’m starting to work on getting my own Grimoire better organized and figuring out what i think fits best in it for me, i feel like i should log some ideas that have helped me in my journey in hopes that it could help someone else just starting out. but just remember that your Grimoire is your own and personal to you and you alone so you don’t need to put everything in if it doesn’t vibe well with you or doesn’t fit into your craft. your book should hold things that are personal to you and your craft and what you believe and you don’t need to have every bit of knowledge in your book.

✏️ an index/table of contents ✏️ a blessing ✏️ a protection sigil and/or spell to keep from wondering eyes ✏️ your personal creed or rede/the wiccan rede(if you’re wiccan) ✏️ personal goals/13 goals of a witch ✏️ personal correspondences/things personal to you ✏️ your beliefs ✏️ your daily rituals ✏️ the different types of magic ✏️ the different types of divination ✏️ any gods, goddesses, deities, or spirits you worship/follow  ✏️ information on any gods, goddesses, deities, or spirits ✏️ crystals 》 meanings 》uses 》correspondences ✏️ plants/tress/flowers 》 meanings 》uses 》correspondences ✏️ herbs 》 meanings 》uses 》correspondences ✏️ essential oils 》 meanings 》uses 》correspondences ✏️ incense 》 meanings 》uses 》correspondences ✏️ candles 》 meanings 》uses 》correspondences ✏️ chakras 》meanings 》uses 》correspondences ✏️ auras 》meanings 》uses 》correspondences ✏️ elements(earth, fire, air, water) 》meanings 》uses 》correspondences ✏️ runes 》meanings 》uses 》correspondences ✏️ magical symbols 》meanings 》uses 》correspondences ✏️ feathers 》meanings 》uses 》correspondences ✏️ crystal grid ✏️ pendulum board ✏️ sigils 》how to make them 》how they work 》how to charge ✏️ moon phases 》correspondences 》what they’re good 》what the mean  ✏️ moon phase calendar(preferable something that can be removed or changed easily)   ✏️ magical times 》hour 》day 》week 》month ✏️ moon water ✏️ sun water ✏️ zodiac 》correspondences 》dates 》characteristics  ✏️ mythology of your heritage/culture and/or area ✏️ mythologies of interest ✏️ mythological creatures ✏️ star chart ✏️ constellations ✏️ celestial events ✏️ planets/celestial bodies 》meanings 》uses 》correspondences 》mythology 》relation to magic ✏️ cheat sheets ✏️ tips/reminders ✏️ spirit works ✏️ basic concepts 》banishing 》binding 》cleansing 》grounding 》ect. ✏️ altars 》what they are 》what they’re used for 》what you need 》basic set up 》plans ✏️ familiars ✏️ tools in your practice ✏️ spirit work ✏️ spirits ✏️ personal/family traditions ✏️ animals 》which animals you connect with 》spiritual powers of animals ✏️ spirits guides ✏️ sabbats 》solstice 》equinox ✏️ recipes 》spells 》potions 》teas 》cleaning products 》natural remedies 》powders 》oils 》beauty 》 body scrubs 》ect. ✏️ spells 》self love 》curses 》hexes 》protection 》banishing 》ect. ✏️ tea 》meanings 》uses 》correspondences 》spells 》recipes ✏️ rituals ✏️ visuals 》drawings 》pressed flowers/herbs/plants 》photos ✏️ meditation ✏️ a secret code or alphabet  ✏️ gardening ✏️ list of words and phrases ✏️ books 》ones you reference & find helpful ✏️ experiences 》spell work 》divination 》spirit work 》banishing 》tarot readings 》ect. ✏️ spiritual diary ✏️ magical diary ✏️ dream log ✏️ spell log ✏️ anything else you want! literally! it’s your book and its always good to customize it to you! if you feel like it should be in your book, then go ahead and put it in your book because that’s what makes it special!

            ***correspondences =things such as 》elements, colors, symbolism, planets, astrology, anatomy, ect. really anything else important tied to something.

   obviously you can pick and choose whatever works best for yourself and your craft, and i don’t even have some of these in my own book but still thought they would be helpful to include for witches like me who are just starting out who need ideas of what their books can hold! i’ll probably start posting more about my grimorire and how i keep it organized as well!

   if you think i’ve missed anything feel free to add on more ideas to pass on to your fellow baby witches!

[walkingdisaster02-blog]

TW Don’t kill yourself today

Don’t kill yourself today

Because your Netflix trial still has a week left

Don’t kill yourself today

Because no one else will finish off the chicken in the fridge

Don’t kill yourself today

Because I know for a fact that Starbucks is releasing a new Frappuccino sometime next month

Yes, your mother will miss you

Yes your bully will make a sappy Facebook post about how what a a wonderful person you were

And yes

Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem

You know that

You’ve known that

Everyone and anyone has been shoving that down your throat since they first learned what the word suicide meant

So don’t kill yourself

Until you finish your shampoo and conditioner at the same time

Don’t kill yourself

Until Doctor Who is finally cancelled

Don’t kill yourself

Until you tell someone your best pasta recipe 

Don’t kill yourself 

Because I will keep coming up with reasons for you not to

And I need you

To hear all of them

Don’t kill yourself

I love you

You’re important

It’s a bad day

Not a bad life

There is more to this

The world will keep spinning on its axis without you

But

Think of all the sunrises you’d miss

I know this sounds pointless

But when you’re sitting in front of everything deadly you own

Revising your goodbyes

There will be too much darkness 

To see anything else

But this is not about seeing anything else

This is about turning off the lights

This is about finding the bed instead of the noose

This is about giving yourself one more day

Even if it takes ten thousand of those

One more morning’s

Until

“I can’t wait for tomorrow”

This is about staying alive

Because there’s gonna be a new Marvel movie

No one should miss that

This is about staying alive

Because the future is coming 

And it’s ready for you

I don’ t need you to see it

I just need you to believe you can make it 

Until then

- Hannah Dains

[spill-out-the-words]

Honestly this makes me feel worse, ngl.

[spill-out-the-words]

I miss having friends

[spill-out-the-words]

Moodtrack app

That’s where all my posts have gone.

[spill-out-the-words]

For someone such as myself that loves small confined spaces, Clutter makes me feel agonizingly claustrophobic

[spill-out-the-words]

Did you know easy said backwards still sounds the same.