tąsaí bowl lol

#girl | multifandom artist life is so beatiful somertimes it hurts too much what a sick joke ⋆｡ﾟ☁︎｡⋆｡

[spittaker]

my name is tascia but my friends call me tas. sometimes they pronounce it like taz or tash but i'm okay with that

i post tmi and vent often. beware! eventually every rant textpost gets edited enough that it turns into a regular art post, u can call it digital performance art or mentally ill teenage vent posting.

[spittaker]

i was 11, irritated and sprawled across the loveseat in dale’s living room, reading calvin and hobbes. the cuts on my shoulders stung and my chest was tight, i wanted to tell eli so badly. earlier in the school bathroom during lunch, i chickened out of telling him what happened to me. so instead we sat in the corner of my homeroom and just talked about his minecraft world while he held my hand. right hand, my right hand. i felt so dirty, filthy. mr. ugh. dale walked up and turned on the tv to watch sports, and then threatened to sit on me if i didn’t move. i stayed quiet and just curled up and kept reading. no comment. i was always quiet back then, and monotone when i did speak. not on purpose, i’m just naturally inexpressive.

i still have his calvin and hobbes book. he let me have it and told me to bring it back. i never did. it feels like the only proof i have that he existed. no one brings him up anymore, no one talks about eli anymore either, no one talks about what happened to me in that car. bunch of fuckin fakers. “you want the best for me,” yeah fucking right.

[spittaker]

doing free art reqs until aug18th

[spittaker]

i’ll never be whole again. i never got the chance to be a virgin or to have a somewhat normal sexuality. i got screwed over. it feels so unfair, makes me sick when people even bring up assault or that sort of stuff. makes me wary. i throw up from anger, i’m dumb forever. academically genius but mind melted

[spittaker]

something about being a grieving child widow and eternal teenage sexual quiescence. to eli. i’ve been over the moon for you ever since i met you. you drew the poison from my bloodstream and the salt from both my eyes. god i love you. god i miss you. i pray lazy art tributes can bring your soul peace

[spittaker]

god created me with a pre-existing vacancy in hell. or maybe i just issue such fatalism to rid me of the responsibility i have as a widow, something i gave up on. i’m disgusting. unclean.

i pray future catholic retribution will purge me of my sins enough to not separate me and the ghost forever.

[spittaker]

worst work

[spittaker]

happy one week anniversary of me turning 18!!!!!!!! yaaaay!!!!1

[spittaker]

update.trth(ipwgi).

[spittaker]

pleasant time with older hetbi couple kind but not overly flattering. too nice to me. first time intimately adored since eli, delivered in a pitying and solicitous way, age and inexperience placed under their authority. first ~18 hours of afterglow like an antidepressant that works.

i crashed. bad spiral , led to worst quad-relapse of my life and attempt at ~2am today. tingles of “i can’t believe i had sex without eli” always thought it’d be us forever. an asian transsexual couple can’t last, i won’t make it. my half was severed and i’m living 2-5 minutes before arterial blood loss kills me.

they knew, being in your 30s grants some esoteric mind reading powers regarding long-term teenage relationships. humiliating. i’m widowed, the woman everyone expects to stay quiet and single until death. there was a ghost they saw while their fingers were in my mouth and lips on my buds.

. christ, i miss eli.

[spittaker]

one of these days im gonna pin you down and make you take it.

[spittaker]

prayer hands slowly steady my soul into righteous radical love

accept me, warm breeze whipping hair away from my face

[spittaker]

just a regular girl

[spittaker]

it’s killing me. i’m an artist. this is killing me. i can hardly function as is. i get theres nothing to do in this tiny redneck town. but he’s an er nurse. stop fucking stalking me. he knows who i am, he has continued to follow me and track my location. this isn’t a paranoid schizopost, i’m getting pissed off and i’m so scared right now i’m crying. he uses burner instagram accounts to dm me and call me pretty just to taunt me and hope it strikes fear into my heart. to make me curl up and ensure i never speak a word to anyone. he knocked on my bedroom window once, ive slept with my handgun next to the bible under my pillow ever since.

jonathan, james, jay, ethan, whatever fucking name you’re going to mock me with this time. if you’ve found my tumblr too, burn in hell. i have our chat logs. i have pictures of your body. i have images of my bruises. you can try and do damage control until you’re in your grave, but i could always send you to prison. quit fucking with me. you are a parasite leeching off the mental health of a seventeen year old

[spittaker]

i cant keep up. it’s spooking me really bad. still working on my magnum opus, i cant let it stop me.

[spittaker]

it will feel nearly intolerable at times. but if you hold on, when youre in your 30s.. wow oh wow...

[spittaker]

legit been standing it