yee @spooki - Tumblr Blog

Today has been the first day in a while where i'm still a mess mentally but i still feel more optimistic about my recovery from the surgery bc i didn't even really need my walker, i did still use oxy 3 times but 2 of those times were an even smaller dose than yesterday and my pain today hasn't been so bad that i feel like i'm stuck or anything like i do feel like what I'm feeling now with random aches/pains/muscle spasms is all totally normal and of course i still had an anxiety meltdown (likely as my initial steroid dose was wearing off) but the xanax did wonders to make me focus on other things and I'm hopeful that things will continue to get better for my mental health after I'm finally done with the steroids tomorrow, i really just want my life back at this point and i think i have good plans in place for diet and exercise with plenty of time to rest up in the next 3 weeks

#tbh i do think I'll appreciate the time off more once i'm off the steroids #the steroids have been fucking with my sense of time and every day lasts forever #i think that's just part of the mental health side effects and i won't feel so down forever #i have therapy tomorrow so I'm hoping it'll help to talk things through #i have a lot of great food options lately tho and I'm excited to get my diet in order #really excited to not feel hungry literally every waking moment lmao #i have never had more intense food noise in my life and like #it's just making me have to plan all meals and snacks in advance #which isn't that bad but i haven't been able to even stick to my plan ugh #i am not trying to do anything close to a deficit until after i'm done with the steroids tho #i literally can't and i have tried to moderate but it's been so horrific

I'm so antsy to start my tirzepatide that i might just start on sunday night?? I think as long as i'm off the steroids i don't really need to wait longer than that and i already decided that i wanted to make sunday my shot day so i could get the effects for the full week but we'll see bc it might make more sense to move it to Wednesday or something so i get more appetite suppression on the weekend, I'm really excited that i decided to do this for myself tho and i have high hopes that it'll work well and maybe i won't even need weight loss surgery for a while longer

#i still want to pursue it but i guess it depends on how well the meds work #if i'm able to lose like 100 lbs on the meds idk if i need wls #i don't like the idea of being on the meds forever but idk #i also don't love the idea of doing something that extreme #i still think i might need to do the surgery eventually but i want to try the meds first #it would be incredible if i could lose like 50 lbs before the end of the year #i'm def committed to making big lifestyle changes to make it happen #and actually it should be VERY easy once I'm working again bc i don't eat much at work to begin with #if this kills my drive to snack after work and on weekends i will be all set #that's the one thing that slows my weight loss bc i do eat kore on weekends #it's not like i can't lose weight without this but i have a LOT to lose and i think it'll help #and it should at least help me lose more in a shorter period so i can break through the 40lb limit i've never been able to pass #i have wayyy more than 40-50 lbs to lose lol i really want to lose like 150 lbs #which is apparently not impossible on these meds and i have hope

Marnie has been acting funny do of course i immediately jumped to the conclusion that she MUST have gotten ahold of the oxy i dropped this morning, it couldn't be that she wanted me to scoop her litter or she wanted attention or anything simply like that bc that would be too obvious and my brain is not really into logic or rationality rn so of course my solution was to crawl around on the floor looking for the crumb of oxy i dropped this morning and sure enough i did actually find it and once i realized how insane this was i proceeded to immediately take some extra xanax lmao i can't be doing all this bullshit!!!!!

#i'm just gonna need xanax to get me thru the next few days tbh #i was trying not to use it alongside oxy but the amount i'm on is negligible and i truly need to calm down #bc the anxiety I'm feeling is caused by medications it's ok to use one more med to help lol #i was feeling fine earlier too so i was hoping i was just not going to have my usual mental breakdown #i think part of it is that my blood sugar is probably crashing #bc i'm sure the steroids are doing horrible things to my blood sugar and i can feel it #hopefully the glp-1 i'm about to go on will help fix that quickly lol #pretty sure i will do my first shot on monday night ahhhh

I've somehow felt a little less insane today and idk why but maybe it's bc i just keep telling myself that if i do feel insane it's just my meds and it'll pass sooo soon, i'm just looking forward to at least attempting to go back to my normal life next week by going to walk on the treadmill and i do think it absolutely has to be the treadmill bc it's too fucking hot outside and I don't want to walk and be uncomfortable if it's like 85 degrees, plus the treadmill is the most reliable way for me to get my walking in consistently so whatever i'm just hoping i feel good to try a very short slow treadmill walk by monday or tuesday

#i want to make it something to look forward to every day bc I'm working towards my goals #i've felt so stagnant just lying here for weeks and i do feel like I'm getting stronger but idk #i need to actively work on getting stronger by walking more

I can't believe the turnaround time with this order tho omg i thought i might be waiting a bit longer but the pharmacy I'm using is evidently not backed up and they do overnight shipping bc it's a temp-sensitive medication so i think i can generally expect it to arrive pretty fast but i will def need to contact my prescriber 2 weeks before i run out in 3 months bc i don't want to risk not having it if it's working for me obviously lol i want to keep up the momentum if I'm feeling good on it but i have a good feeling that it's going to help a lot and i'll wonder why i was so hesitant to start it

#right now appetite suppression sounds soo good #although i know it's bc my appetite is insane on these steroids lol #i know it'll go back down within a few days but it's made me so uneasy #i just want to lose weight so bad rn i feel like total garbage #i know i need to get a base weight and I'm dreading it bc i know i gained a ton #I'm trying to be kind to myself about it bc it's been out of my control but it still sucks #it's been impossible to get a handle on my appetite and i'm doing what i can

YESSS got my tirzepatide shipment and it looks like i have everything i need to start in the next few days!!! I'm sooo excited to see if this works for me ugh I'm optimistic but i'm also really nervous bc it might make me sick but w/e i decided that there's a certain amount of nausea/gastro upset that I'm willing to just accept as long as it actually works to kill my appetite and i doubt any side effects would be permanent anyways, i think this combined with ramping up my walking routine and protein intake will be great and i'm sooo glad that i get to start this while i'm still on leave so i can just chill and not worry about work

#i really do have 3 more weeks of this which is crazy but likr #i do think the time will go faster after i'm done with steroid hell #hoping that walking gets easier soon #actually i just went down to get the meds without my walker and i did fine #I'm thinking i may try my first treadmill walk early next week #we'll see how my energy levels are but i'm going to be tracking everything in an app #i need to make sure I'm planning to have smaller protein-rich meals the day after my shots #just bc i don't want to upset my stomach but they can call in zofran if needed too #i have a bit of zofran left tho so i should be ok #i may even do my first shot on monday night eeek

Ok i took an experimentally small dose of oxy bc I'm getting ready to nap and i really hate waking up in more pain but i didn't want to take 7.5mg, my pain is not too bad rn but my leg doesn't feel quite right and i suspect it would hurt if i hadn't taken the higher oxy dose this morning bc i've had to crouch more than i'd like this morning ugh whatever tho i can't just never crouch down and i used my bed rail to get up off the ground a few times to make sure i wasn't putting too much pressure on my back to hoist myself up

#i took a big double dose of clonidine and a mini dose of xanax for my nap #i just think until i'm done with the steroids i shouldn't be as shy about using xanax #i've been trying to use it a lot less but i think it will help a lot when i get really agitated #i'm prob gonna try a full xanax later as long as i don't have to take a lot more oxy

Tbh i' e felt pretty good this morning but unfortunately i think it's bc i had that higher dose of oxy plus i had my steroid early lmao i just really want to be done with the steroid for good early tomorrow so I decided to take it after bfast today so i can do the same tomorrow but i guess i didn't realize that when i have really bad anxiety and a huge appetite it's actually when i'm coming off the steroid and not right after i take it, the only thing i feel shortly after taking it is a higher body temperature

#i'll be DONE tomorrow tho and i hope things continue to go better #i may still need this dose of oxy a few times this weekend tho bc i've been comfortable this morning #i'm having weird leg spasms but my pain is minimal today #i mean it was higher before i took the oxy but sometimes i still need it so too bad #like i keep saying as long as i'm taking it less often/only as needed i'm good #i have more than enough for this weekend so i'm not worried about calling for more rn

finally got my shit together on my computer so i could request my extension from mn paid leave ugh what a giant pain in the ass tho bc my initial leave request still wasn't approved!! i'm just making sure to update it to ensure i'll eventually get back pay but this is a huge hassle and it was SO easy to do through the short term disability program so i have no idea why mn paid leave makes it so fucking difficult ugh whatever it's done and i will just upload the document once they can fill it out

I hate how much better i feel after my oxy dose lmao sometimes u really do need meds tho and there's really no shame in taking them as directed, i'm going to try a smaller dose later to see if that does the trick but the 7.5mg dose definitely worked better than 5mg did yesterday and i think unfortunately i just did a bit too much yesterday and I'm having a bit of a flare

#if i can take oxy twice today instead of 4-6 times tho that's still progress #I'm trying to cut back as much as i can obviously but idk #i've had so many ppl tell me over and over again to stop taking oxy #but they aren't living in my body and they don't know what the pain feels like #my pain was probably at a 5/10 and now it's at a 3 and i can relax

Omfg this is not a drill my tirzepatide already shipped and I'm getting it TODAY!!! I am not going to touch the stuff until monday at the earliest but I'm thrilled that it's arriving and i can get started on it sooo soon omg i am so happy about this

#i hope it works and i hope it's always this easy #i love that it's 3 months and they let you pay in installments that's really nice #it's not an affirm situation either they just let u split the payments #tbh it's not too cost prohibitive but who knows what will happen with conpounding #i just see no reason to pay $300 per month rn #i mean i could still afford that but why should i lol #$499 for 12 weeks is great like i'm hsppy with that #the pharmacy i chose is by all accounts good so it's fine #i'm open to trying semaglutide if tirzepatide doesn't work #i will NOT try reta or any other gray market peptides tho bc i value my life lol #it has to be fda approved and produced in the US under fda guidelines

I dropped half of a 15mg oxy pill on my fucking floor omg kms!! I don't think my girls will get ahold of it or anything but i can't find it and it's really stressing me out, i just keep telling myself that if it's too small for me to even find they aren't going to be looking for it to eat it but ugh i hate this

#i also just put myself in a world of pain crouching down to find it #luckily i was getting oxy to take it so i will feel better shortly i guess lol #i'm still having some pain after tylenol so i need a lil extra this morning

Ok i am trying my Tylenol and muscle relaxers first before i resort to oxy this morning bc that's the right thing to do but unfortunately I'm having some medium pain so i need something to work, if these don't work i'm just gonna take 7.5mg oxy bc my pain is always worst in the morning and i likely can just take half that dose later if i still need something

Bro fairlife chocolate shake blended up with a banana and a bit of ice is literally life-affirming omfg i can't believe it took me this long to figure this out but this is very similar to the shakes i used to make for bfast in high school, i even have sugar-free pudding mix i can use to add different flavors if i want but man the base shake is absolutely delicious

#it's better with ice too snd i didn't thibk it would be??#it's got a perfect consistency to it and it was easy to do

I had xanax early this morning bc i couldn't get back to sleep and i feel a little less insane but i hope today isn't difficult like yesterday ugh i was really going through it last night and i know i'm almost done with the steroid taper and things will take a little time to go back to normal but i'm sooo impatient and i'm also so sick of getting sweaty so easily ugh it makes me feel so awful but i'm just going to hang out in my AC with the fan blasting on me and i'll be fine

#i get irritable even being up away from my fan these days #like sitting in my living room with a friend is torture #i appreciate my friends coming but it's been challenging #i'm just constantly in a really bad mood and it's getting me down

Oo u know what i think I'm already seeing some positive effects from going higher protein with my snacks and supplementing with protein shakes bc i haven't found the need to go make breakfast immediately after waking up and i hardly even got hungry overnight?? I actually really enjoyed the fairlife shake i had yesterday so I'm looking forward to experimenting with those and maybe blending up a banana into the chocolate one but it was pretty easy to get down yesterday and the premier peaches and cream i tried yesterday wasn't too bad either (although a little worse than the fairlife one which really did just taste like slightly watery chocolate milk)

#gonna try to just eat a lot better today #not too hard after all the shit i ate yesterday lmao

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