Hey There

This is real. This is me. I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be.

[spoopycorntortillachips]

A Letter to the Cousin that Sided With my Aunt Tonight

Dear Naomi,

see. I don't think you understand. In fact, I know you don't otherwise I would not be writing this letter right now.

The truth of the matter is, none of my friends like my aunt. Not a single one. Not even my mormon best pal from when I was a kid. Not even the entire christian church that I go to. The only person that may be neutral is my friend Rachel because she met her briefly when she camme over once.

So that is precisely why I don't bring my friends over. Actually, they don't even like coming over when I ask. One time for an entire month, my friend didn't want to come over because my aunt made her the subject of every single criticizing thing that came out of her mouth.

And actually, I don't like being at my hosue either. Do you know what I do all day? I literally hide in my room. Literally. Because I know if I try and lollygag about or enjoy time in the kitchen, I will eventually be yelled at about SOMETHING. Or criticized about SOMETHING. She never ceases to have something negative to say. It's incredible. So that explains why I would prefer to go out to my friend's house.

I also don't think you understand that my aunt doesn't like any of my friends. She comments on the fact that I'm attracted to "broken people" because my friends are mostly all depressed or have been. Depression doesn't make someone broken. It doesn't lower a person's value. It means that they are having a struggle in life, and need help. Do you think I looked at a potential person and think, WOW. I HOPE THEY'RE DEPRESSED. ADD 'EM TO MY COLELCTION. No. Why the FUCK would I do that? It saddens me deeply that my friends have hard times. I wish they could all be happy. But I don't pick them because they're like that. That doesn't even make sense.

Also, she always targets my best friend. She despised my best friend's family, she was jealous because I wanted to spend so much time with them when I was younger. It's because they were a loving family that showed me so much kindess and compassion, that it was unreal. I loved being around them. They made me happy. But as our friendship in years grew, so did my aunt's resentment towards them. I couldn't spend the night as much as I used to, I couldn't hang out as much. My aunt said I coveted my best friend because I liked being around her. In fact, the month before she moved to Germany, I basically had to beg my aunt to hang out with her. It was terrible. They were just a nice mormon family who tried their best to be good.

And then I got a new best friend after 3 years. She literally hates her. She would never agree to saying "hate" but she dislikes her SO much, that she once threatened a restraining order of her and her family because of some SERIOUSLY stupid even that she started. And she also calls my other best friend, who is a guy, and proceeds to talk crap about said best friend. Seriously. Who the fuck does that?

She also just has never liked a single one of my friends. I make friends, and then we get close, and my aunt is suddenly against them, and tells me to make new ones. Well news flash, I like the ones I have so fuck off.

As you might be able to tell, I do not have the best relationship with her. It's shitty. It's absolutely awful and it's literally her fault. I do not want to spend an entire three weeks stuck in a hotel room with her and my deaf nana. That is not something I want to do. She has already half ruined this vacation because I now find myself hiding, once again, in my room. She's been nagging to me the entire time we've been here. It's the worst.

I want to visit my friend. I am actually almost 18. And I'm pretty sure I can say or not whether her brother and his wife are serial killers. I want to stay with her because she invited me and it'd be fun and I miss her and I want to hang out with her. And, again, I do not want to stay in a hotel room with my aunt.

And the fact that you took her side without knowing everything, really upsets me. Granted, you couldn't have known that there was more to know, but still. You, by far, have been my favorite cousin because you are fun. But please, for future reference, stay out of things that my aunt tries to drag you in on. That's her only method of attack. To give a one-sided story backed with half-assed reasons and gain the pledges of legions.

IT'S AGGRAVATING.

AND I LITERALLY AHVE SO MANY OTHER STORIES TO TELL YOU.

YOU SAID IT WAS FOR MY OWN SAFETY, AND THAT YOU'RE A STRICT PERSON TOO. WELL TELL ME, IS IT FOR MY OWN SAFETY WHEN I AM PUSHED SO FAR TO THE BRINK THAT I ALMOST JUMP? IS IT FOR MY OWN SAFETY WHEN I'D RATHER LIVE A RECLUSIVE LIFE IN MY ROOM THAN SOCIALIZE? ARE YOU TELLING ME THAT YOU'RE SO STRICT YOU DON'T LET YOUR CHILDREN MAKE FRIENDS OR POINT OUT EVERYTHING NEGATIVE THEY DO AND CALL THEM "SELFISH BITCH"ES?

I certainly hope not.

I am so red-hot I could rant for hours. But alas. I have better things to do with my time than waste them talking about the most ignorant, hypocritical, and selfish person I have ever had the pleasure to meet. So thank you for reading, Naomi. I hope your mind has been changed.

[spoopycorntortillachips]

and it burns and burns and burns and burns and burns until there is nothing left of me at all just brittle bones and ashes that turn into mud puddles with the morning dew

[spoopycorntortillachips]

i didn't want to be awake right now, but here i am. it would be different if the sun was up, but the quiet of dawn makes me think too hard and then i get mad and my anger creates bright red sparks and sets my room ablaze and it doesn't go out. it doesn't go out. just consumes and burns me alive until im nothing anymore, but maybe that's what i wanted, at least then nothing hurts

[spoopycorntortillachips]

there are genuinely five people that I know that have anniversaries today. the fuck is with that

[stargazerinmoksha]

i don’t want to tell you

lately i don’t know what’s going on inside of my head. sometimes i would just get off from work and just sit there. i don’t feel like talking to anyone. i don’t even want to be by myself, but i don’t even know how i’m feeling. sometimes it feels like i don’t deserve you. sometimes i don’t feel like being positive, sometimes i want to let the negative energy grow into something that’s still worth the pain. i know that it can be depressing talking to me, i know that i preach the lightness of the day way too much to be this sad. but if you felt a little bit better, maybe my existence means something.

maybe that’s my problem. i’d die for you, probably even let you kill me. if happiness comes with a cost, i’d let you take it all away. from the cornerstones of the music ringing in my skull— the sad songs pull me towards a bitter end. i’m full of flaws and writing poetry is just another way to pass the time. maybe that’s why i write so much to sad people. they all need answers that they think i can give, the irony. i wish that my arms can hold the weight of it all. inside a tiny ball of fire, my heart sleeps. inside of this pale blue dot, my soul weeps.

sometimes i wake up and i’m disappointed because her parents were right and she was right to leave me. i’m worth nothing. i don’t know how to look at you and tell you that everything is going to be alright for me. i don’t know how to tell you that i still think about her or possibly even love someone i no longer know. from sundown to sunrise. sometimes i wonder if i was ever going to be good enough for anyone. and that’s why i withdraw from people so often. a poor excuse for a life. but life is given, we were dealt an impossible task of living and waking up to find some sort of normality in mundane day to day tasks. sometimes i wake up and i don’t want to live. i shrug it off. but it comes back. and as i’m faced with the reality of living like this is no different than just outright dying, i’m afraid. afraid that they were right and that i’ll never be shit because i’m not shit and i’ll never be able to live up to who they think i should be. but in truth— i don’t even know who i am, much less who i should be in this life. it’s sad because it’s true. it’s fucked up because it’s real. when we die, we all die the same. no one knows what happens after life. and sometimes it makes me sad that if i died right now, i’d hurt so many people.

i know that it’s hard to see me like this, but it’s the things that i don’t talk about that you notice the most. i notice you noticing those little details. when i don’t make you feel appreciated, it’s because i’m forgetful. chasing after a high that i won’t have again. sometimes i’m afraid that we’ll have the same ending. if love is the answer to everything, then why am i so hard on myself? i tell people to love themselves, but i haven’t even started. the path to loving yourself isn’t easy. it’s a day to day grind that’ll remind you of how unimportant you are if you just disappeared right now.

i’ve tried to be a pillar of hope for lost souls, but i found out real soon that it’s just the blind leading the blind. i can’t fix their problems with a thousand love poems, it’s all just glitter and stardust. inside of my heart it still feels hurt. on the outside it still looks fine i guess. the occasional thought that i’ll be fine is just that. maybe i will. maybe i won’t. a small factor in my daily routines. i don’t know why i try to help so many people. maybe it makes me feel good. maybe i feel bad because i’ve been there and done that. but if you keep picking at a wound, it won’t heal properly. maybe i help people because i want them to feel like it’s okay. there’s hope. and maybe there is. sometimes i just don’t think there is any left for me once i’ve written it all out.

lately i’ve been everywhere. i enter a meditative state while it rains and i’m in love with that natural feeling like i should be watching the rain as it falls down. but i also sit there and think about all of the tears that i’ve caused. all of the pain that i’ve left there. without a word. sometimes i want to just scream until i am no more. words trickling in the blood, my eyes are too blurry with the salt, my stars too hidden by the city lights, my constellations do hear my woes, for when the night comes i am my only foe. my only enemies are my thoughts. i keep myself tied to my depression like it’s my only way to function. inside of the clouds, i make friends with the rain. somewhere with the bees, i feel the petals. the deep honey roasted glaze on your eyes kissing the sun with a wink— it reminds me of who i need to be. i often tell people to let things happen day by day and if it gets ugly, just brush it off. start anew. i never tell them that it’s hard to do because i want them to have faith and hope in the universe. sometimes i don’t know how to tell you that i’m scared that love won’t last. sometimes i’m scared to tell you that i’m not feeling good because that would mean that you’d try to cheer me up. and i don’t want to disappoint you yet again, so i do a little laugh. and maybe that’s the answer to all of my questions— to give it a try even if you’re not up for it. maybe that’s the trick to being alive. i don’t want to just live and exist. i’m tired of buying shit that i don’t need and dumping drugs into my body or polluting my lungs with nicotine. i wake up everyday with fear. fear of everything is fine, but fear of yourself is never a good thing. because how can you go on living if you’re afraid of being yourself? it’s so damn funny to me— the fact that i love hating myself more than i actually should hate hating myself. cruelty to the human body will fade, but self-induced depression is by far the scariest thing i’ve ever had to experience and i don’t know how to not be like this.

sometimes i wake up and i feel fine.

darling, today is not one of those days.

[spoopycorntortillachips]

Hey!! I miss your posts. I hope you and everyone are doing okay!

I was going to say something cryptic and vague but decided against it. I'm just waiting for equilibrium. Thanks Anon

[spoopycorntortillachips]

Dug myself into a deep funk today for the first time in a while. Sleep is a tried and true ladder tho

[spoopycorntortillachips]

WHY DO I FEEL WEIRD.

[spoopycorntortillachips]

LMAO

I completely agree.

[spoopycorntortillachips]

what a day. glad it's over

[spoopycorntortillachips]

Some movies, I swear, just put me in such a bad head space. I don't even understand

[spoopycorntortillachips]

Did you celebrate Valentine's day?

I did! It was fun

[spoopycorntortillachips]

How are you

Im good. Really tired. But that's the extent really.

[spoopycorntortillachips]

I do not understand why, whenever I have notably good days, they end so badly?

[spoopycorntortillachips]

thEy DInDt EvEN BUrN UGH EHAT THE HELL MAGIC WHY CANT YOU BE EASIER

[spoopycorntortillachips]

I chickened out because I'm a sentimental POS, but I'm burning the ones that weren't as sincere. Ashes are ashes.

[spoopycorntortillachips]

I think I've come to the point where it's definitely spell time. Now who's got some walnut-infused water?