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Today's Document
Alisa U Zemlji Chuda
Cosimo Galluzzi
❣ Chile in a Photography ❣
祝日 / Permanent Vacation
he wasn't even looking at me and he found me
2025 on Tumblr: Trends That Defined the Year
ellievsbear
I'd rather be in outer space 🛸
Peter Solarz
Monterey Bay Aquarium
"I'm Dorothy Gale from Kansas"
Discoholic 🪩
JBB: An Artblog!
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Stranger Things
Xuebing Du
seen from United Kingdom
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@sporez
For the first time in my life, I feel as though I’ve found someone who genuinely understands me and genuinely wants to understand the parts they don’t get. I feel beyond grateful and I know I don’t express it enough to him because I’m terrified of letting people know how much they mean to me. But I am one hundred percent confident in where we will go. Even though I’m fucking terrified.... I think this one generally cares about my well being. What a weird feeling.
July 17, 3:50am
I guess I really do fall for anyone I feel any sort of connection with
may 21, 10:30pm
a start of a poem i will never finish....
i let his hands touch places i never let her look at let the rough fingertips smooth over years of scarred tissue skin waiting to be marred in anticipation for the next big fall
i let his tongue lick at open wounds in hopes that they would heal put bandages over years of trust issues, abandonment, self-doubt
i let him say what he wanted but his tongue did more damage than her hands could ever do he spat words that went deeper than a blade could ever go my back whipped so hard i still hear the words the cracking sound of heart break
i promise... that i fucking loved you why else would i let you do all those things
may 10, 10:44pm
i don’t think.... i will ever be happy and that terrifies me. i don’t know if that is a way to live. when jonghyun killed himself, it felt like a knife going right through my stomach. because he always said stuff like he didn’t have to be happy to live or that he’s figured out a way to do that. and then... he fucking killed himself so that means you cannot go through life without being happy. that living at that place where you’re grasping for something to give you joy is not a way to live.
all i’ve been doing my whole life is pretending. and it’s just getting harder to pretend. even at work, i find it hard to focus. i find it hard to want to talk to my friends. i find it hard to do everything but the medication does make it easier tbh. like now i can get up out of bed and clean bc i know i have to.
just at the end of the day, even though i can feel okay and feel great, i know that the mood i am in now is my default. this is what i’ll be used to feeling and i don’t like it.
may 3, 8:16pm
i am on medication and getting therapy and i feel fucking fantastic. i feel level-headed and in control. i am able to do my daily tasks without freaking out. i’m taking initiative to do things i thought were impossible before. i just hope this keeps going bc i don’t know what i will do if it stops and i go back.
i was feeling so out of it that i couldn’t organize thoughts in my head. there were so many of them bouncing that i could not grasp a single one. all i know is that i felt worthless and like i could never get out of it. i could never do the things required of me. i felt very much hopeless and suicidal because i didn’t see a point in continuing if i was just going to live unhappily. i haven’t had my first session of therapy yet, just like a consultation appointment. but i will have my first appointment this week and i am for the first time in a long time, hopeful that things will be better.
music feels good again. singing feels good again. i can’t believe i’ve been missing out on being a real human being for that long because this feels so fucking good. clarity and peace.
i miss jordan a lot, and i find myself just picking at all the things i could have done better. but at the end of it all, whether i loved him or not, he was not right for me. and i don’t think i could ever be fully satisfied in settling down with him. contrary to popular belief, that has nothing to do with the fact that he is a man and everything to do with the fact that his definition of love was too shallow for me. and anyone who knows me even a little knows how i thrive off deep connections even if it leaves me vulnerable, otherwise it isn’t worth it to me. he did not want to get to know me, and he was not obligated to. but that is not what i want. i want to know every single detail about the person i am in love with, i want to know the ugly. i want to know what you did wrong, how you fixed it, who hurt you. i want it all. he told me my feelings were a burden... and he was right though. they were a burden to him. that doesn’t mean they will be a burden to someone else. i should thank him for letting me go because lord knows i do not know how to give up on people, but now i have no choice but to move on.... and find someone that will give me what i need, someone who wants to know me, makes me feel important, and loves me for all the fucked up parts of me.
i am hopeful though. and that is something i don’t think i’ve felt for a while. it feels so good.
may 1, 5:44pm
i keep intending to write about jordan and how he fucked my shit up, but i won’t allow myself to. or rather every time i try to, i find something else to do. i guess i am still heartbroken and i am trying to figure out why.
i am officially in therapy and on medication which is probably what i should have done like in 2012 tbh hahaha but better 8 years late than never i suppose. i’m feeling... hopeful i suppose. i’m feeling better. my depression and anxiety were getting so bad that i found it difficult to do any menial task without crying or panicking, and the panicking was manifesting itself physically, which hasn’t happened for a while. i was getting chest pains and shortness of breath. it was hindering me from doing normal life things.
i’m going back to work, and i am not sure if i am ready for that, but i suppose i have no choice. also me and val are friends again kinda. she only talks to me on the weekends, which is fine. she doesn’t owe me anything.
i am searching for a purpose in my life. i just hope i find it soon.
“I crave someone who wants to dive deeper than my skin. Bury your nose in my soul and smell the smoke. Strip me down. Your only intention: to stick around.”
—
apr. 5, 8:34pm
i’ve been doing better until today. yesterday i was feeling on top of the world and then today i feel kinda like i wanna jump off a moderately high building and hurt myself just to feel something. super healthy.
i wish i didn’t base the way i value myself off romantic pursuits but that’s who i am and it still hurts. i know i did more than what i should’ve to keep him and i guess that’s how love works out sometimes. somethings it’s not enough. idk. i feel like i have a lot of improvement to make until i even try to put myself out there again. i’m just sick of the cycle.
March 30, 1:52pm
I’m sorry for all the pain I’ve brought into your life. I think we really just weren’t meant to be and I wish we were. I know you think I didn’t, but I swear I never wanted something to work so badly before... idk there’s so many things I want to say to you that I can’t.
I’m sorry I was so difficult to love. That I put this expectation on you to be my place to hide when the world was too much for me to handle. I know you did try your best, but I know that I am a lot. Even when I try to hide it, it comes out. I’m sorry we were never on the same page and that I wasn’t ready for the things you were ready for. I’m gonna miss you a lot, I really am. Thank you for the time you’ve given me... sorry that it was wasted.
march 11, 10:34pm
so................
i wish i did not base my value as a human being based of romantic notions, but i do. just as a heads up to myself in the future, i don’t believe what is happening right now is happening. like i never thought something like this would happen in a million years. i spend all my time knowing that i am not good looking so when someone has interest in me i am very suspicious. i guess i give good head so.... not thatpeople could tell that. well maybe there’s a theory.
march 10, 10:42am
i know that it is not up to me if we return to each other so i will not try. i should not try. i know what i want in love and he cannot provide that so why do i keep wishing we were still together? i read over our old texts and i miss when we could talk like that without exploding on each other. idk
i’m just being an idiot. i need to keep busy.
march 9, 7:51pm
i know i am different now bc i used to wish for those who hurt me to die. literally i would pray at night hoping they would die. i know that sounds harsh lmao but that’s how i was.
now i pray for your healing. though you do not deserve the kindness i extend to you.
Milk and honey “Outlook”
via weheartit
