Nana

More expresso, less depresso... and some matcha! 🍵 || sometimes i like to write || @softwonuwu

[jenosdaemi]

bad reputation | lee jeno

Pairing: JENO x female reader, Haechan x female reader Wordcount: 17.1k Genre: angst, fluff, suggestive, dark theme Warnings: teen pregnancy, young mother, single mother, mentions and an attempt of su1cid3, death, bullying, spreading rumours, swearing, hospital, sexual harassment, reader punching someone.

Summary: People have judged you for being a single mother at eighteen. They thought of malicious things about your job for having to work from dusk to dawn. All of them are quick to jump to wrong conclusions and as quick to turn a blind eye when you needed help. All except for Jeno.

Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. It is not intended to offend or insult anyone. Not proofread.

Taglist: @queenrachelpink @wanlore @luvlyjaemin @busy-namjooning @chitaphrrrr @bebsky @sptegami @crvshcultur3 @renjuanaea @jenjnm @sunshinedhyuck @ne0yong @multihoe1 @jenyongcas @kuncitizen @flower-lise @chenlewifey @jj-ms @harrythefarmer @chichhihaa @nurenciye I sincerely hope I didn’t miss anyone 🥲

She got a bad reputation She takes the long way home And all of my friends seen her naked Or so the story goes

“Why won't you just leave him alone?!”

Jeno looked up to see a small girl in bright blue overalls and yellow pigtails standing in front of him, protecting him from the kids who bully him nonstop all day, every day.

“What are you going to do? Tell his nanny? His nanny won't care like how his mom doesn't care about him!” the bully laughed mockingly. Jeno was about to say it's not true, but you rebutted almost instantly.

“No, but I'm going to kick you so hard where the sun doesn't shine you’ll forget your mama’s name.”

Jeno snapped his head towards you, worry plastered on his face. This kind of talk will undoubtedly bring you to the principal’s office if someone hears you and it's not worth it. Fortunately, your threats were enough to scare his bullies away. “Why would you do that?” Jeno is clearly pissed at you.

After what you did for him, the first thing you expected him to say is to thank you, but it seems like this kid in front of you is too proud to say it. You frowned at him, “You're ungrateful.” You disappointingly said and walked away.

Jeno felt bad and lost the courage to approach you after you called him ungrateful. 7-year-old Jeno spent all day how to make it up to you and he resorted to writing you a letter and leaving you a bag of cookies in your book nook when no one else was looking.

You found his peace offering just a little later and struggled to read through his incredibly bad penmanship and a series of misspellings, but any 6-year-old would appreciate his gesture. You offered to share with him the cookies and made yourself acquainted with the older boy.

“My name’s y/n.”

“I'm Jeno.”

Jeno wished he stayed in contact with you, but maybe it's part of growing up that some people will just lose connection with each other. You were never really friends with Jeno the way you were with your other friends, but you find it peaceful whenever you talk to him. It's almost as if you would enjoy conversing with him if he would not stiffen up, look at you and never reply. Which was too bad because you’re comfortable with him and you enjoyed his company that one time he actually said something other than agreeing with whatever you just said.

Jeno knows he’s socially awkward and he cannot really blame you for hardly talking to him because he never initiated a conversation with you ever at all. He's aware that he might have been the very reason why his relationship with you never improves. Nevertheless, he’s still thankful that despite his unintentional silent treatments, you remained friendly with him.

In return, he does his best to look after you from a safe distance. He was there when you joined band class in junior high, he remembered himself begging his parents to enroll him in guitar lessons so he can brag his skills in front of you during band practice. He was the one who left his clean sweatpants by your locker when you first had your period- he had no idea what that was. At first, he thought you didn't get to the restroom in time and it took him years to understand what just happened to you that day. He would leave treats, lunch and notes by your locker every chance he gets.

His crush on you grows over time, but he never pushed through it. He’s happy to watch you read his notes after class and stick your own note on your locker saying your thanks to the person who left the treats. You always ask him to meet you, but Jeno is still the same shy boy from kindergarten, he’d rather stay quiet and invisible than approaching you.

He couldn't find the best time and to gather enough courage to confess his feelings for you. Jeno thought he had all the time in the world and idled his confession but everything shifted in senior high for both you and him. Your lives went spiralling down.

Other girls at your age may have been having love problems, but you're different. The woman who raised you, fed you, clothed you have passed away. It was your grandmother who raised you and your older sister since the day your parents died in a car crash when you were young. You don't remember much about your parents to feel sad about their passing, but the death of your grandmother surely took a toll on you.

Your sister being 7 years older than you took the responsibility for taking care of you. She and her fiancé, Taeil, took you to their apartment without second thoughts and did their best to provide for your newfound family. From then on, it's the three of you against the world.

Jeno saw all these hardships and thought that he could do more than just leaving you comforting notes on your locker. He wanted to comfort you personally, talk to you, hold your hand when you're down, be the shoulder you cry on and to hug you. But someone else has clearly thought the same thing. The day that Jeno finally gathered enough courage to talk to you and excitedly looked everywhere for you with a bag of cookies in one hand is also the day when he found you at the football bench hugging someone else.

You're with Haechan. A boy from the same year as Jeno and the captain of the school’s soccer team is hugging you as you cry your heart out to him. He didn't think much about it, thinking it was just a friendly interaction.

But as days go by, all he could do is to watch you helplessly fall in love with the guy deemed to be perfect by social standards. What does he have against the popular jock in school? He’s just the guy who only learned to play guitar to impress a girl. He’s just the guy who couldn't even stand up to his own bullies, what more confessing his lifelong crush to you. Who is he compared to that guy? He’s just him, just Jeno.

He was broken-hearted even before he got his shot at you. It was wrong for him to assume that he could take his time and now he is regretting it. If he only decided to confess a week before or at least an hour earlier maybe things would turn out differently. Maybe he’s not watching you laugh because your boyfriend whispered something funny to you. Maybe he has the appetite to eat the chicken his friend, Jaemin, bought him for lunch. Maybe he’s not this miserable to see you happy with someone else.

It was hard for him, but he did what he does best. Love you from afar.

It took Jeno over a month to get over the fact that you're now dating the popular guy in school and eventually got used to the sight of you walking hand in hand with your boyfriend in the hallways. He found himself smiling at the sight of you having fun teasing your boyfriend for having a small hand. Maybe you dating that Haechan guy wasn't so bad after all.

You look happier now that you're with him and you finally have someone to lean on whenever life gets too harsh on you again. You seemed to be genuinely happy and Haechan looks like he cares for you deeply. Jeno wishes for your happiness and it doesn't matter if you found it in someone else, even if it means losing the chance of you liking him back. If you're happy then that's good enough for him.

Your life started to get back to normal with the help of your family and your boyfriend. You're thankful for them for helping you get back on your feet after the passing of your grandma. Haechan has been very sweet and funny, you couldn't ask for a better boyfriend than him. Soon enough, you’ve already been together for almost a year and it feels like you’ve only started dating last week.

~

It's Saturday and you're out at the mall with your sister and her fiancé, Taeil. Both of you were seated on the couch at Victoria’s Secret as you watched your sister walk across the room to look at the pyjamas on sale.

“What do you think Haechan would like to get as a gift?” You asked Taeil. He looked at you with a teasing smile.

“Why would you ask me? You know I suck at that. Ask your sister, she has very good eyes in buying gifts.”

“I don't want her to know I'm getting my boyfriend a gift.” You shrugged, you saw his eyes widen. You looked at your back and saw your sister standing behind you, one hand on her waist.

“You’re getting Haechan a gift?” Your sister asked you, giving you the eye.

“I am. It's almost our first anniversary and I'm thinking of getting him something.” You explained trying to make it sound like it's not that big a deal. You thought she’s going to ask you more questions, but you're surprised that she only smiled at you.

“Well, in buying gifts you should find him something meaningful. What does he like?”

You smiled as you thought of him, “You know that he plays soccer and he’s really good at it, in fact, there are colleges that are in contact with him already. He’s very well known at school and he’s one of the top students in his year. He’s really handsome and funny.”

You didn't notice that your sister and Taeil shared a meaningful look. “Okay, so he plays soccer and is popular. Anything else you know about him?” Your sister asked you. Her slightly concerned tone made you snap back from daydreaming.

“What do you mean? I already told you. Maybe I should get him something soccer-related since that's his thing, right? What do you guys think?” You smiled at them.

They decided not to meddle with your relationship but gave you a piece of advice that you wished you listened to, “I am happy for you that your relationship with Haechan is going strong, but I need you to remember to never give your all to a person you hardly know. Save some for yourself. Okay?"

Mistakes we all make them But they won't let it go, no 'Cause she's got a bad reputation But I know what they don't

The day you've been waiting for came.

It's finally your first anniversary, Haechan picked you up from your house and took you out to a carnival. He never lets you spend a single cent for the whole day even if you insisted. When the night came, he took you to a garden restaurant and spent dinner talking and laughing about everything.

You’re so much in love with him and you believe he feels the same, so when he parked his car in a secluded part of town, you prepared yourself for whatever may happen in that car. He was ever gentle and ever so sweet whispering comforting words to ease the pain you're feeling. He’s your first and you’re his. It was perfect and just like how you imagined it would be.

What happened that night brought the two of you closer. If he was already sweet before, he’s definitely sweeter now. He’s very attentive and gives you his full attention when you ask him for it. Your heart couldn't be any happier and Jeno saw that. Your glow is different, your smile is brighter. He’s jealous, but he’s very much happy for you.

This happiness only lasted for a month. When you missed your period and your frequent headaches took the best of you, you decided to tell your boyfriend what you think it might be. Both of you are smart enough to list down the possibilities of your symptoms, but none dared to speak it out.

Both of you are seated in his car in front of your house, you watch him as his hands grip the steering wheel. He knitted his brows, he was quiet for the longest time and you had to call his name to get him out of his thoughts.

“I don't want us to jump to any conclusions. Take a pregnancy test before you tell me shit like this.” You looked at him shocked, even he was taken aback at his tone and reaction. You chose to stay silent and nodded in agreement. Offended, you took your things hastily and hooked your bag on your shoulder, about to leave his car.

“Can you come with me when I do it?” You ask before you leave his car, he didn't look at you.

“I’ll be busy with practice this week.” He coldly replied.

“Fine. Then I'll take the test next week if that means I'm doing it with you.” You quickly slammed the car door and not even a second after he stepped on the gas and sped away. You watched his car lost in your sight.

That Haechan in there wasn't your Haechan. Instantly he became distant and cold, but you’re still thankful that he picked you up on Friday after school and brought you to a gasoline station as you took the test in the public bathroom.

Your heart is pounding, you were so nervous and you wished endlessly that it wasn't you think it was. 5 minutes later, you stared at the 3 sticks resting on top of the sink as they all drew a second pink line. Mouth hanging open, you broke down crying. Haechan heard the sound you made and worriedly knocked on the door. “What’s happening y/n?!”

You opened the door and quickly hugged Haechan in front of you, his instinct was to return the hug and caress your back. He whispered things to calm you down, but then he saw the positive pregnancy sticks on the sink. His mind stopped working and his body made the decision for him, he slowly removed your arms from his neck and mumbled, “I-I can’t.”

Confused, you looked up to him, “What do you mean you can’t?”

He shook his head, his eyes still remained at the sticks. “This. Y/n I can't be the father of your child- I can't be anyone's father.” His voice is shaking and fear is vividly shown in his face.

“Baby. Yes, you can. Of course, you can. We can do this together, we’ll talk this out and prepare for this.” It was your time to calm him down.

He shook his head one more time, “I said I fucking can't y/n! I'm not doing this! How can you be so sure that's even mine?! You could have easily cheated on me! I could not be the father of that child!” He said with so much venom your hand found its way to his cheek.

You slapped him so hard as tears run down your face, “You know fucking well that you're the only man I’ve ever slept with, how could you think of me that way?” You hardly finished your sentence with all the sobbing you did.

He looked you in the eyes, you saw different emotions flashed on his face. “I'm sorry.” That is all he managed to say and left you alone standing by the washroom with three positive pregnancy sticks and a life forming inside of you.

You spent the weekends in your room, avoiding your sister and Taeil. Guilt is reigning you, they took you in and fed you, and this is what you’re going to give back in return? Your sister is getting married in a few months, you know she’d postpone the wedding if she finds out that you're pregnant and Taeil doesn't deserve that.

You have so many plans in your life and getting knocked up at eighteen isn't one of them. You took your phone and confided to Twitter.

“This isn't happening to me”

“You fucked up my life”

“I fucked up my life”

Jeno follows you on Twitter and doesn't exactly know what you were talking about. It was hard for him to be only one screen away but unable to read you. He finally understood what your tweet was about when people at your school were wasting their time and energy whispering to each other, gossiping about someone else's life.

The news that you're pregnant spreads like wildfire, but what felt like a punch in the gut is it was Haechan who started it. He only told one person and the rest is history. You are now the infamous girl who cheated on the most popular guy at school and managed to get knocked up by the guy you cheated with.

What you didn't understand is why did your friends desert you, why is no one checking on you if you were okay, and why is no one asking to hear your side? Everybody believed the first thing they have heard and decided to stick with it. They already closed their minds for any explanations because in their eyes you're already a cheater and a whore. The saddest thing is the people who hate you are the same people you have showed kindness to. The people who keep spreading rumours about you are the same people you once called friends.

You were worried, paranoid, anxious, problematic and alone. You couldn't get a hold of your ex-boyfriend anymore and you figured he really didn't want to do anything with you. Your friends look at you with so much disgust that you can’t even find someone to have lunch with.

You're looking around the school cafeteria to find a place to sit, people are either looking at you with judgment or avoiding your stare. Then you saw a friendly face, the only person who gave you a sincere smile since the news about you blew up. You took a deep breath and walked towards his table. Jeno was in the middle of shoving spaghetti in his mouth when you sat in front of him and placed your food tray on the table. He stopped mid-track to look at you, he blinked a couple of times to make sure that he’s not hallucinating.

You just sat there waiting for him to say hi or welcome you, but you felt stupid for thinking he’s different as he just stared at you like he didn't even recognize you. “I'm sorry. I thought you- never mind. This is stupid I'm sorry.” You said as you stood up from your seat.

He quickly swallowed the food in his mouth and it almost choked him. “No, please don't leave, sit with us. I'm sure Jaemin wouldn't mind.” He looked at his friend at the same time you looked at him, he still had spaghetti sauce on his mouth, it made you smile a little.

“No. I don't mind at all. Eat with us by all means.” Jaemin replied. Jeno looked back at you with a smile on his face, his eyes are like crescent moons.

Their acceptance is enough for you to feel thankful. You were about to sit down when you heard the murmurs behind you, the whispers were so loud you weren’t sure if they're even trying to be discreet. “Where does she get the face to show up to school? And just look who she's sitting with, is she trying to corrupt every boy here?”

You were staring at your food when you felt a hand on top of yours. “Don’t listen to them. We don’t believe them.” Jeno assured you that made Jaemin nod his head.

You gave them a weak smile, “It was true though. I am pregnant.” Jeno was clearly taken aback, he thought the rumours about you were just rumours. He didn’t think it would be real.

You saw the dilemma in his eyes so you quickly added, “But I never cheated. I only slept with-” Jeno stopped you almost immediately. “Please don’t think you owe anyone an explanation. You don’t have to explain anything to us.” He told you kindly which almost made you tear up. “And honestly, it shouldn’t be anyone’s business anyway,” Jaemin said loud enough for the people around you to hear.

You were thankful for them but after that one time, you didn’t consider eating lunch with them again. They are genuinely nice people and you don’t want to drag them into your mess.

And I don't care what they say about you baby They don't know what you've been through

All of a sudden, you stopped showing up to school. Your sudden and continuous absences certainly made Jeno worry. He wanted to ask you how you're doing but he thought he might be crossing the line if he does. In the second week of your unexplained absences, Jeno decided to visit the school councillor and ask about you.

“I appreciate your concern for your friend Mr. Lee. Miss y/ln came here two weeks ago with her sister to inform us that she will be dropping out of school. Her health is the main reason for the decisions they have made and took her doctor's advice to take a much-needed rest away from the stress of school."

Jeno’s mind is quick to think of the worst possible scenarios, his leg is jumping up and down from tension as he couldn't stop himself from imagining you in a hospital bed. “What happened to her? How is she? Is she stressed out? I did some research and read that stress could be dangerous for the baby. How’s her baby? Are they okay? They should be okay if they're resting at home right?”

The councillor cleared her throat as Jeno mentioned ‘baby’ and carefully picked the right words to say, not wanting to give any sensitive information about you. “The pregnancy rumours about her could or could not be true Mr. Lee. Let’s not dwell in that.”

“But I know she’s pregnant. She told me that herself. I just need to know what happened to her. Please.”

“If she really told you about that very personal information, then you're probably close enough with her to ask her how she's doing. I cannot talk to you about her situation any further, I hope you understand.”

Jeno walked out of the councillor’s office dejected, Jaemin who's been waiting for him to come out stood up from his seat and walked up to Jeno. “What did she say? Is y/n okay?

“She didn't say anything else other than y/n dropped out from school due to health reasons.”

“Health reasons? Could this be about her pregnancy?” Jaemin whispered.

“I don't know, but it's most likely because of it. I hope they're doing okay. I'm worried about her baby.”

“Why would you worry about the baby? Wouldn't it be better for you if she los-”

Jeno quickly grabbed Jaemin’s collar and pulled him closer. “Don't you even dare finish saying that.”

Jaemin raised both of his hands and apologized as Jeno let go of him, “I'm sorry man. I just thought you’ve been in love with her for so long and having a baby is such a dealbreaker.”

“How’s that a dealbreaker? She’s bringing a life into this world and that's more to love about her. And why are you thinking that way Jaem? That’s a new low for you. You're no different from the people who judged her.”

Jeno quickly left, leaving Jaemin speechless.

~

The stress from school and the pressure of keeping your pregnancy a secret drove you near to having a miscarriage.

Your sister is excitedly talking about her wedding and how your graduation is two years away and how you should start sending applications to universities soon made your head started spinning. You felt a sharp pain in your abdomen and couldn't help but groan.

“What's wrong?” Your sister quickly walked to you. The excruciating pain couldn't let you speak. “Oh my god.” Your sister mumbled beside you looking at your legs. You followed her stare and looked down at yourself. Blood is dripping down your legs and starting to pool at your feet. You're slowly losing your strength and lean your weight on your sister. You heard her screaming for Taeil and felt him carry you.

“I'm sorry.” You whispered before blacking out.

You woke up in a hospital bed, you looked around and saw Taeil sleeping on a chair. A little later your sister came into your room with a cup of water. She quickly walked to your side when she saw you awake. “Y/n! You gave us a heart attack. How are you feeling? Are you hurt somewhere?”

Your sister examined you herself and the genuine concern in her voice made you cry. She already found out about your pregnancy but there is no hint of anger in her. She tried calming you down but it only made you cry harder.

“I'm going to call a doctor.” Taeil said and got up from his seat to look for help.

“What's wrong, y/n? Use your words, honey.” Your sister cooed at you.

“I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to.” You finally said between your sobs.

She only gave you a smile at you with tears in her eyes threatening to fall. “Shh. We’re going to be with you every step of the way.” She assured you.

All the fear you have been keeping to yourself faded. A little later Taeil came back with your doctor. She asked you if you were stressed in the past days and for the sake of your baby, you told the truth in front of your sister. “The stress started when I had suspicions about being pregnant. I told my…” You looked at your sister before continuing “-boyfriend about it and he asked for me to take a pregnancy test before assuming things so I did, and when the tests came out positive, he denied that he’s the father of my baby when he knows all too well that he’s the only guy I ever slept with. For some reason, everyone in school found out that I am pregnant and someone spread rumours that I was sleeping with different guys. And I couldn't find the right time to tell my family about it because I was scared that they'd get mad at me.” Your heard your sister sobbing beside you but you kept your eyes on your doctor who only gave you a sympathetic smile.

“The stress caused your blood pressure to spike up. High blood pressure is extremely dangerous to the health of your baby, it could end in several things including premature birth and miscarriage, which brings me to the reason why you're here today. You had what we medically called a threatened abortion, this gave you a higher possibility rate of having a miscarriage especially during the early stages of your pregnancy.” You felt your sister's hand on top of yours, you gave it a squeeze and she held onto you tighter. “If all of your stress is coming from your environment, I suggest that you avoid it in the meantime. I know education is very important and you wish to continue your studies but I highly recommend that you take a break from school- at least until you give birth to a healthy baby.” Your doctor added.

“I’ll do everything to keep my baby safe.” Your sister gave you a nod in agreement.

“And you have our full support.” Taeil also gave your hand a squeeze. You were certain that you could handle everything and anything with them by your side.

Trust me, I could be the one to treat you like a lady Let me see what's underneath, all I need is you

8 months later you gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. You named your daughter Dasom, which means love. Her family might be unique but she will grow with overflowing love.

Your pregnancy was so difficult that you had to get extra hands to help you to do the simplest things. Your sister and Taeil have the kindest hearts to put you first before their wedding. You felt so bad but they already made their decision and focused on helping you with your pregnancy. Half of the money they saved up for their wedding was used to buy things in preparation for your baby’s arrival. They did not give you the chance to stop them, mostly because they buy the baby stuff behind your back.

The wedding happened six months later. In the end, the couple decided to have a civil ceremony in the mayor’s office instead. The wedding might have been less grand than their initial plan but their hearts are still over the moon. Now that they're married you thought it would be best for you to get your own small apartment. Your sister and her husband would be needing a lot of personal time to start their own family and you didn't want to be the one hindering it too.

Although they insisted that they didn't mind you and your daughter staying with them, you moved out anyway. You saw an ad for a one-bedroom apartment a few blocks away from your sister's house and you immediately grabbed the opportunity to rent it. It’s time to live independently. Being a single mother will never be easy and you have to get used to it.

You’re finishing high school through GED and attending classes from 5 o’clock in the afternoon until 10 in the evening, then right after class you will go straight to your job and work from 11 PM until 7 in the morning. You leave your daughter in your sister’s care and will pick her up the next morning before your sister leaves for work and after you take a couple of hours nap. You spend your whole day playing with Dasom and you couldn’t think of any better way to spend it. Sure, it wasn’t as independent as you imagined it would be, but as long as you're giving the best for your daughter you don't think you're going to regret anything at all.

People were still quick to judge you when they found out that you’re a teenage, single mother that works from dusk to dawn in a suspicious bar. You couldn’t care less of what they have to say, you just let them think whatever they wanted to think and continued minding your own business. Your days of trying to please the people around you are over because the moment you became a mother, the gravity of your world shifted from you to her. Everything you do, every decision you make is for your daughter. You watch her grow every day and each day you see more of yourself in her. Her smiles are just like yours and when you look her into the eyes it’s like you’re staring in a mirror.

You’re so proud of her and her achievements at a very young age. At nineteen months, she chooses her own clothes to wear and you would always post her outfits on your Twitter account.

When you dropped out of school you decided that it’s best for you to lay off social media and deleted every account you have on each platform except for Twitter. You blocked almost everyone from your school. From almost a thousand followers you only left 20 people in your followers and it’s arguably one of the best things you did.

Jeno is one of the few people you didn't remove from your followers. And since you detoxed toxic people out of your life, you started sharing more intimate and personal things about yourself. You posted pictures of your pregnant belly back when you were still pregnant, to pictures from your sister’s wedding, and even the very first picture you took with your daughter in the delivery room.

He's never been more updated to you before than he is now.

Now that Jeno’s in college, reading your tweets is his way of de-stressing. A cute picture of you and your daughter would easily take a week worth of his stress. You often tweet pictures of your daughter and Jeno would always be the first one to like them. The resemblance you had to your daughter is uncanny.

Tonight is no different for Jeno. After a long day of studying and burying himself in workloads, he laid himself in his bed and opened his Twitter account going straight to your page. The vibe of your twitter is always light and welcoming, something he needs after a tiring day. Other than your updates about your daughter you retweet a lot of motivational quotes and hilarious memes every day, but instead of seeing something funny, he saw an extremely alarming tweet posted just a few seconds ago.

Forgive me, love. Mama isn’t strong enough. I love you so much. Don’t be like mama.

Without any second thoughts, Jeno bolted from his bed and ran to his car. There is something wrong with your tweet and he felt it in his bones. He was so worried that he didn’t hear his mother calling after him. Jeno looked at the time, it’s 2 o’clock in the morning. Where could you be at this hour? The only place he could think of was your job and that’s where he found himself heading to.

She got a bad reputation Nobody gets too close A sight of a soul when it's breaking Making my heart grow cold

Jeno was so worried he kept mumbling things to himself, it's even plausible that he's already praying without him realizing it. He didn’t bother checking his speed anymore, all he could think of is to get to you as fast as he possibly could.

As he was passing through a bridge, he saw a very familiar figure standing on the very edge of the rail. He quickly unbuckled his seatbelt and quietly- but quickly- run to you. Jeno was smart enough not to close his car door, afraid to make a sound that could scare you to jumping.

You were crying your heart out, begging for your daughter’s forgiveness but no matter how hard and how much you weep, the weight and agony in your heart never ceased. You’re lost, hopeless and beyond help. You couldn’t think of any solution other than this and the only thing that’s stopping you is your daughter. It was never your intention to leave her fatherless and motherless, but she’s better off without a mother like you. Taeil and your sister are more capable of giving her the life you couldn’t give.

You exhaled deeply and stepped closer to the edge ready to jump when you felt two arms wrapped around your body and hastily pulled you back to the ground. Your body dropped over him, Jeno could feel your whole body shivering. His arms tightened around you, terrified to let you go. He was so petrified he didn’t realize that he’s now crying with you. Jeno somehow managed to call 911 without letting go of you. Your legs turned to jelly and lost all your strength to fight back so you stayed in his grip. He held onto you on the ground whispering comforting words trying his best to calm you but your tears are flowing uncontrollably. A few minutes later an ambulance and police came to your aid.

The emergency responders gave you a much-needed sedative to calm you. A police officer is nice enough to drive Jeno’s car to the hospital as he jumps in the ambulance with you refusing to leave you alone. He held your hand tightly and watched you peacefully sleeping on an ambulance stretcher. A doctor quickly assessed your condition upon arriving at the hospital and only then the police took Jeno’s statement. Even while talking to the police he never took his eyes away from you, as if you were going to disappear any second.

You’re now in a private room. Jeno is by your feet just watching you sleep when your sister, Taeil and Dasom arrived. Your sister cried as she kissed your hair while Taeil quietly caressed her back. Jeno looked at your daughter. This is the first time he saw her in person, she’s beautiful and she looks just like you. Your sister noticed Jeno in the corner of the room and hugged the life out of him while endlessly thanking him for saving your life.

“Some people would think nothing of her tweet, but you did something. How can we ever repay you?” She said between her sobs and sad smile. Jeno wanted to say he’s not just some people. He’s in love with you for god knows how long.

“I’m her friend and I only did what a friend would do.” Jeno smiled at them. Taeil walked to Jeno, Dasom in his arms, and offered him his hand that Jeno gladly took. “Thank you for saving my sister’s life. We’ll be forever in your debt.”

It was already 4am when Jeno got home to his worried parents waiting for him in the living area. “Lee Jeno, where the hell did you go in the middle of the night leaving your phone in your room?!” It was the first time Jeno saw his mom mad, let alone yelling. His father is just sitting on the couch looking intently at him waiting for Jeno to answer his mother’s question.

“Mom, dad. I’m sorry I didn’t get to text you or call you but there was an emergency-”

“How urgent could it be that you just ran past me?” His mom asked.

“A friend from high school tweeted something concerning so I went out to look for her and I saw her…” Jeno remembered how his body went cold at the sight of you standing on the edge of the bridge. “-about to jump off a bridge.”

Jeno buried his face in the palm of his hands, his parents went silent. He didn’t realize that he’s already crying in front of them. He was so scared. What if he didn't get to you in time. What if he didn’t open his Twitter account that night. His mother said not another word and hugged him tightly and his dad joined later on. “How is she now? Is she alright?” His dad asked as Jeno calmed down.

Jeno nodded. “Yes, dad. I got there just in time to stop her. She’s in the hospital right now with her sister, brother in law… and her daughter.”

“A lot happened tonight. You should get to bed and try to catch some sleep and pay her a visit later. And if there’s anything at all, you know you can always talk to me and your dad right?”

Jeno gave them a smile, “Yes mom. You don’t have to worry about me.”

“We love you son.” His father added.

~

Skipping school to visit you in the hospital is probably the most rebellious thing Jeno has done in his life and he’s more than willing to do it again if he has to. He couldn't think of anything to bring you so he brought you cookies instead. As he made his way to your room he ran through your sister coming from the cafeteria holding two cups of coffee.

“Did you at least sleep? It's only been 4 hours since you’re last here.” Your sister asked Jeno, handing him a cup of coffee.

“Thank you.” Jeno said. He took a sip and felt the warmth of the drink spread through his chest. “I tried sleeping but after last night, I didn't really expect to sleep easily."

Your sister gave him a nod and a weak smile. “I get it. We’re all worried for her. Even my husband wanted to stay here in the hospital to watch after her, but one of us has to continue working to pay for the hospital bills. The ambulance alone costs two grand, imagine that."

Jeno couldn't lookup. He somehow felt responsible for the expenses they have to pay since he was the one who called 911. “I'm sorry, I will pay for the ambulance fee.”

“Oh god no! That's not what I meant! You’ve done so much for us already, I shouldn't have told you that I apologize. I'm just overly stressed, I forgot to think for a second there."

He didn't listen and took out his wallet and pulled out five-hundred dollars cash. “I could withdraw more later or pay directly with my card, but please take this for the meantime.” Jeno handed the money to your sister with both of his hands.

Your sister could only look at the money and shook her head. “I can't do that to you Jeno. This is too much.”

“Please. You need all the help you could get for y/n and Dasom. I will never ask for anything in return, I just want to help.”

Your sister sighed and took the money from him. “Thank you, Jeno. But I'm only borrowing this. We will pay you back, I promise.”

“And can we not tell y/n about this? Please?” Jeno pleaded, the least your sister could do is nod.

~

You're already awake and currently playing with your daughter in your room. Last night should have been your last night and if it weren't for Jeno you wouldn't be playing with your daughter right now.

“Mama, sad?” Your daughter asked you as she tries to erase the sad frown on your face.

“Mama’s just happy that I get to play with you today.”

Your daughter hugged you tightly, burying her head in your chest, “Don't be sad. I will play with you every day.” Her voice was full of innocence and you're so mad at yourself for even considering hurting her.

“And I promise you that I will be with you every day.” You kissed your daughter's head and lulled her to sleep. You were watching your daughter fall asleep on your chest when Jeno knocked on your door, holding a bag of cookies in one hand.

Remembering the events from last night was so embarrassing for you. You never wanted anyone to see you so vulnerable, especially by someone you’re only acquainted with. Jeno, who you barely talk with, saw you at your lowest and you didn't know how to act around him now after what happened. You were so ashamed to look him in the eyes, but you tried your best to give him a smile.

“Hi.” He whispered, careful not to wake Dasom up. “I met your sister at the lobby. She's doing some paper works but she said she'll be back soon.”

You nodded and cleared your throat. The silence is killing you. You wanted to thank him for what he did last night but you couldn't find your voice to speak. “I-Uhm.” You started, but words flew out of your head. What's so hard with saying I’m sorry and Thank you?

Jeno sensed that you're uncomfortable and prompted to leave. “I could leave and come back later when your sister’s here.” He offered.

“No, please stay.” You called out. “I haven't thanked you for what you did yet. Thank you.” For the first time, you looked into his eyes. You’ve known the guy since you were just little kids but you couldn't recall if you ever looked at him the way you're doing right now. His eyes are so pretty as if they hold the wonders of the world. Jeno is a shy boy but his eyes are bold and candid.

He only gave you a smile and looked at your sleeping daughter. “She’s beautiful. Looks just like you.”

Your eyes shifted to your daughter, “She is.” You said as you shuffled on your bed trying to find a comfortable position. She didn't get enough sleep last night and you didn't want to wake her from her much-needed nap, but your IV line is caught in between your daughter's body and you could feel the piercing pain every time you move.

“Isn't she heavy? Do you want me to take her?” Jeno asked. You nodded immediately and gave a shy chuckle. He walked closer to your bed, put the bag of cookies on your bedside table before carefully taking your sleeping daughter in his arms. You could swear that you felt your heartbeat loudly as you watched Jeno cradling your sleeping daughter. Jeno couldn't help but smile at the sight of your daughter sinking her face to his chest.

“She does that all the time. She loves cuddling.” You told him with a smile.

“I love cuddles too.” Jeno cooed and showed his ever most beautiful eye smile. Jeno sat down on the chair by your bed and continued to cradle Dasom in his arms. “I brought you cookies.” He said. “I don't know what's appropriate to bring and that's all I could think of. Please enjoy them.”

You chuckled and took the bag of cookies to your hand. “Just like the cookies you gave me in kindergarten.”

His heart jumped. He didn't think you would still remember what happened over a decade ago. He feels like screaming in so much happiness but the sleeping figure of Dasom keeps him from doing so. He blushed like crazy though. “You still remember that?” He asked.

“Of course. I saved you from your bullies and you gave me these as a thank you. You're my very first friend.” and currently my only friend, you thought.

He relived that day so many times in his head and this is the first time he's hearing your side of the story. “You were my first friend too. My bullies left me alone after what you did so I kind of owe you my peaceful childhood.” He laughed at his own joke and you couldn't help but chuckle with him.

“And I owe you my life today. I guess we're even now.” You tried to make a joke about what happened, but Jeno knows how serious it was and he couldn't let it go without letting you know that you're loved and cared for.

“Y/n.” He called out. You hummed and looked at him. “Whatever you're going through, I need you to know that it will not always be this difficult and it will not always be this painful. It's okay to be weak, but it's critical to know when to ask for help. I know we're not that close but if you need someone to talk to— even if I'm the last person in your mind— I will always be here for you.”

You never had someone tell you this. Sure you have your family, but you couldn't tell them your problems and risk being a burden again. They’ve done so much for you already. It might sound shallow, but Jeno’s heartening words took off some of the weight you carry. His promises made you feel protected. You felt like you showed him the bareness of your soul and the next thing you know you're already pouring all of your troubles and distress to him.

“I work as a waitress at a club, a strip club to be precise. I don't strip, I only serve drinks and snacks to customers. It's the only job that works well with our schedules that pays good and gives good tips. It's the perfect job despite what people think of me. That job provides for us, it gives Dasom a comfortable life and I get to save money for her future.” You gave a sad smile.

“But something happened a week ago. A club’s patron came and ordered his usual drink except that he also wanted me to strip for him in private. He knows I'm just a waitress and I am off-limits, but he…” Your eyes started to get cloudy as you think of what happened next. “—he forcefully touched me so I punched him in the face and broke his nose. They wanted me to apologize, but I refused so the club fired me instead. I begged them not to, but they're scared of him. I've been applying to different places but that man is influential and blacklisted me wherever I go.” You wiped your tears before continuing,

“I have been using my savings to buy diapers and formula for Dasom, to pay bills and to feed myself. In the span of a week I already used half of it and I still haven't gotten a job. I was desperate and I thought of my life insurance. We got a generous amount of money when our parents died and if Dasom were to receive that kind of money it would be more than enough to give her a better future.”

You looked down on your fingers and played with them. Jeno stared at you with so much pain. His heart broke after hearing your story and he swore that he could do so much more than a punch in the face if he ever saw that man that caused you all this. “I'm sorry. That man is a jerk. He got what he deserved and you should have given him a nice kick on his shin too.”

You laughed. “I guess I should've done that. Make sure it's broken, not sprained.”

“All jokes aside you have to know that no amount of money is worth your life. I understand that you only wanted the best for your daughter but Dasom needs her mother more than a pile of money.”

You kept your head down as you let your tears fall. What Jeno said is a bitter pill that is hard to swallow but you needed to take it to make you feel better. You looked at Jeno who was staring at you and gave him a faint smile. Jeno saw tears starting to pool around your eyes but there is understanding and deep gratitude behind those tears.

A little later your sister came back and that was Jeno’s cue to leave. He planned on staying in the hospital with you for the whole day, but after your talk, he had more important things to attend to. Jeno walked to his car and dialled someone, “Dad? I'm on my way to your office, I have something to ask from you.”

And into the deeper she's sinking I'm begging her please don't let go She's got a bad reputation But she's all that, all I want though

“What is it, son? I'm sorry but you have to make it fast. I have to leave the office after this.” He rambled as his eyes were still focused on the papers in front of him. A frown is visible on his forehead but there's also a noticeable wrinkle beside his eyes and crease on both sides of his mouth, a sign of his frequent smiles.

“Is your next meeting important? Can mom be here too?” Jeno asked in all seriousness that made his father look away from the pile of paper in front of him and glanced at his son.

“I can push it in the afternoon. What's wrong?”

“Nothing to worry about dad, but I’d still need mom with us if you don't mind.” Jeno gave his father a reassuring smile.

“Of course.” His dad called his secretary to move his schedule an hour later and asked for his wife to his office. Ten minutes later his mother arrived with a worried look on her face. Jeno guided his mom to the seat in front of him. “What do you want to talk about Jeno?” His mother softly asked.

“Mom, dad. Do you remember the friend I talked to you about yesterday night?”

His mom nodded, “Yes. What about her? You paid her a visit earlier right?” Her eyes widened, “Is she alright?” His father seems to have caught up with his wife’s thoughts and gasped silently, darting his eyes to his son, hoping for good news.

Jeno immediately raised his hands and waved their assumptions away. “Oh god, no! God, no.” His parents' expressions softened. “Nothing bad happened to her. She’s okay, her sister and her daughter are with her at the hospital. She’s getting the help she needs and she’s doing much better.”

“You should have led with that son.” Said his father to lighten up the mood. Jeno chuckled.

“Actually, I came here to talk to you about her and the reason why she did what she did yesterday. And I need both of you to listen to me first before saying or asking anything.” His parents promised and waited for their son to speak again. Jeno inhaled deeply. This is probably the first time he’s going to open up something so personal to him, to his parents.

“Her name’s Y/N. She has an older sister who is married to an electrician. Their parents died in a car crash when she was extremely young and were brought up by their grandmother who died just a couple of years ago. She fell in love with the wrong man at eighteen and got pregnant, the guy did not want to do anything with them. She bravely dropped out of school to work full time so she can raise her daughter alone while she studies to get her diploma equivalent certificate. She goes to school in the afternoon and works in a bar at night as a waitress. She’s a very brave woman and she’s so much more than what people judged her to be. Unfortunately, she recently lost her job when she stood up and protected herself from harm. Her name was blacklisted in every place she applied at. Desperate, she thought about her life insurance and how the insurance money would benefit her daughter financially. The next thing she knew, she’s standing at the edge of a bridge. I'm here asking, as your son, using all the privilege I could use to get my friend a job in this company.”

His parents shared a significant look as if their eyes were spoken a thousand words already. He watched his parents stare at each other for what feels like forever. His father put his hand on top of his mother’s lap and nodded. “Son, do you mind me asking, what's your relationship with this girl?”

Jeno looked his father in the eyes. He knows what his father meant to ask and he’s scared of their reaction if he says something they might not like. Jeno avoided his father’s stare before answering. “Nothing special. As I said, she’s a friend.”

“You’d go crazy looking for a friend in the middle of the night?”

“Dad, I already explained that to you. Any decent human being would do the same.”

“And you would barge in my office, demand our time just to listen to her depressing life story and then expect us to magically find a job for her just because you said so?” His father asked calmly. Too calm that it scared him, but Jeno didn't let it get to him.

“I didn't barge, I called beforehand. I asked for your undivided time respectfully and you gave it to me. It doesn't matter who she is to me, I just need to know if we could help her or not, sir.” Jeno ended on a strong note but kept it polite.

“You like this girl do you?” His mom finally spoke. He tried reading her eyes but he couldn't read anything, he then switched his gaze to his father who also shares the same expressionless face his mother holds.

“This girl’s name is Y/N and yes mom, I like her. I think I've liked her since we're in kindergarten and I never stopped liking her since then. Actually, no. I don't just like her. I’m in love with her.”

Jeno confessed his feelings for the first time. He knew that he’s in love with you but he never said it out loud. Hearing it from himself after years of hiding it made his feelings more serious and deeper than he thought it was.

“But she has a daughter—”

“A very beautiful and innocent daughter.” Jeno quickly added. “I honestly don't care if she had a child. She is the most kind-hearted person and she deserves to be loved just as much as any other person out there if not more.” The next thing happened quickly. His mom is crying but there's a smile on her face. His dad is also smiling, showing the same crescent eyes he has and keeps on saying he’s proud of him.

“Wait. You're not mad?” Jeno asked, confused.

His mom walked to him and hugged him tightly. “Of course not. We're glad that we brought up a gentleman.”

“And about your request, of course, we could open a position just for her. We can hire her as an interim assistant for now and prepare her for a secretarial job. In that way, you’ll have someone to guide you when you take over the company after you graduate from business school. As for her salary, we can only give her an appropriate amount of pay for her job to keep it fair to our other employees, but her pay would increase annually by 2%. I'll also make sure to give her benefits and full coverage insurance for her including her daughter by extension. How’s that sound?” His father proudly said.

Jeno stood up from his seat and hugged his father, tears threatening to fall but he couldn't care any less. “Sounds perfect. Thank you, dad.” He whispered before turning to his mother, “thank you, mom.”

~

“And there's also an exclusive daycare at the building where you can leave Dasom. You can visit her any chance you can get, and think of the benefits, you can easily save money for Dasom’s college.”

Jeno already told you the news about the job offer. He’s been hyping about it for an hour no, you didn't listen to half of what he said because you were so busy watching him talk excitedly. You have never seen him this talkative and you just noticed that he makes the cutest giggles when he says something funny.

“So what do you think? Dad said you can start as soon as you can. Y/N? Are you even listening?”

“I'm sorry I was just thinking about something.”

Jeno groaned and slumped himself on the chair. “I’ve been talking for an hour now. My mouth is parched already and you didn't even pay attention. Wow.” He sarcastically said, gaining a laugh from you.

“I heard half of it! I'm sorry.” Which of course he forgave you. How can he ever get mad at you?

“So? Will you take the job?”

You hesitated. The job is the best you could get especially for someone who didn't graduate from high school and hasn't finished taking GED classes yet, but you don't know what to feel that it will be Jeno, once again, giving you another chance to live your life. He did so much for you already and you feel bad that you caused this burden to him and he probably feels like he's responsible for you now. “I'm grateful. I really am. But am I not extremely underqualified for the job? It's literally a secretarial job at a corporation and I'm just a teenager without education or experience in an office job.”

Jeno walked near to you and sat by your feet. “You're one of the smartest students in your batch and there is nothing you couldn't learn. You have 3 years to learn everything you need to learn and when you're ready for the actual job, you’ll be working mostly with me. I’ll always be here for you so there's nothing to worry about. Don't let this opportunity get away and just say yes.”

You quickly inched closer to him and hugged him so tight he thought he started seeing clouds. He reached your back and hugged you too.

“Thank you much Jeno. You don't know how much this means to me.”

His heart swelled with pride. Finally, he’s not just someone who watches from afar. He’s no longer hiding behind the pieces of paper he leaves on your locker, no longer hiding behind the screen. He’s now helping you, hugging you, talking to you. It's far more than what he craved to do and he’s pleased with how much his relationship with you improved. From being someone you know from kindergarten, he's now a friend.

“Mama?” You quickly break away from the hug and Jeno backs away from the bed. You look at your daughter watching you from the door. “Hey baby, what are you doing there? Where's your aunt?” Dasom ran towards you and asked to be lifted. “Baby, I can't lift you. I’m still wearing this tube see?” You showed her your left hand with an IV injected into it.

She took a short glance then walked to Jeno stretching both of her arms up to him. “Can you lift me to my mama's bed?” Jeno’s heart pounded with joy, feeling special that your daughter casually walked and talked to him.

“Of course.” He pulled her up to his arms and gently put her on your bed.

“What are you going to say?” You asked your daughter.

“Thank you, sir.” Jeno couldn't help but smile. He thought he's going to faint in happiness when she blew him a kiss to say thanks.

“You're very welcome, Dasom. You can call me Jeno.” He properly introduced himself to her.

“Okay, Jeno.” She smiled so big her missing tooth was showing.

“He’s Uncle Jeno, call him Uncle Jeno.” You corrected your daughter which almost made Jeno seizure on his feet. He was so flattered that you made your daughter call him uncle, he could only give you a smile which you gladly returned.

And I don't care what they say about you baby They don't know what you've been through

Two days later you were finally discharged from the hospital, but you still have to keep up with counselling that helps you learn how to properly handle problems and stress. You rested at home for a week after discharge and went to start your new job at Mr. Lee’s company. The people there welcomed you warmly and were very friendly. All of your coworkers are older than you, they guided you through your first day and helped you understand how the office works.

The salary you're earning now is just a little over what you're earning at the bar, but here, you have a safer workplace, lots of benefits and you work on normal working hours. There is indeed an exclusive daycare in the building, you visit Dasom at daycare every chance you get and watch her play with kids her age.

Your relationship with Jeno changed in some way. Every day, Jeno would pick you and Dasom up from work and drive you home. Sometimes he would take you and your daughter to Mcdonald’s drive-thru and get Dasom a happy meal while the two of you shared 20 pcs Mcnuggets. There are times that Jeno would play with Dasom at the daycare to keep your daughter from getting bored when you're needed to stay overtime.

Jeno did not try hiding that he likes you and even though he never confessed, you're aware of what he feels for you, and there is no point in denying that you're starting to reciprocate special feelings for him too. The way he takes care of you and Dasom is something that always gets you.

But the last time you fell in love you were left alone with a broken heart and a pregnant belly, so even though you know Jeno is nothing like your ex-boyfriend, you decided to not make a big deal out of it and continued acting as if your heart's not beating so loud every time your eye catches Jeno.

“Hey. I came here to pick up a kid. She’s from the daycare, her name’s Dasom. Do you know her by any chance?” Jeno said with a smile on his face, Dasom giggling beside you.

“We’re the ones you're going to pick up uncle Jeno.” Dasom ran to his leg and hugged it.

“Oh. You're here! I didn't see you.” Jeno bent down to hug your daughter.

“Yes, you did! Mama said lying means no Peppa for a week!”

“No Peppa for a week?! That's outrageous! I guess lying will do me no good, does it?” He smiled and straightened his back as he carried your daughter in one arm then put the other around your shoulder.

“How’s work today babe?” He asked it so casually like he’s been calling you babe for a long time now. Your heart is like throwing a big EDM party in your chest, you couldn't find the right words to say. Jeno, like you, was caught off guard by his unexpected use of the term in endearment. “Uhh. S-sorry. That’s- that's”

“No. It's fine.” You saved him from another embarrassment of explaining why he called you that.

It's been a year since the day you almost committed the stupidest mistake of your life. Jeno and your family supported you in your recovery and pull your life back together. They became your emotional support and you couldn't imagine life without them anymore, so his small mistake of calling you “babe” shouldn't scare you at all right?

“Mama is uncle Jeno’s babe.” Dasom is giggling while you're strapping her in her booster seat. Jeno heard it loud and clear, his face immediately turned bright red. Lucky for him you weren't able to see that. “Uncle Taeil calls auntie babe too.” You love your daughter to death but at this moment you could only wish for her to… “Mama, are you getting married to uncle Jeno too?” —shut up.

“Shh. Please take a nap, Dasom baby. I'm begging you.” You whispered to your daughter, but then again Jeno heard it, making him snort into laughter. Hearing his laugh is contagious. You couldn't help but laugh the awkwardness away. “I'm sorry. 3-year-olds are normally this curious.” You apologized as you put your own seatbelt on.

He smiled at you. He’s been meaning to ask you out for a long time, but he couldn't find the right time to do so. And the more he procrastinates the more he sees himself in the same situation he was in high school. “I don't mind being your mama’s babe. Do you think she would?” Jeno bravely asked your daughter at the backseat, keeping his eyes on the rearview mirror.

“I don't know. Mama’s right beside you, you ask her. Uncle Jeno’s silly.” She giggled louder when Jeno looked at you next.

“So? Do you mind being my babe?” There's a smirk on his face.

The world feels like closing into you like you couldn't breathe but in a good way. Would this be a good idea? Getting back into the dating world scares the shit out of you, but you thought, you're not going to date just anybody. It's Jeno. The person you could literally trust your life with. “I think Uncle Jeno should take us out on a date first. What do you think, baby?” You asked your daughter too.

You heard your daughter’s loud ‘yeah’ and screamed ‘Mcdonald's nonstop, but you couldn't take your eyes away from the man beside you that is wearing the widest and sweetest smile you've ever seen. He took your hand and kissed your knuckles. “A chance is all I'm asking for. Thank you.”

You touched his cheek with the same hand and caressed it, he put weight on your palm and looked at you dreamingly. “Something tells me you're worth the jump.” You smiled back

Giving Jeno the chance to prove to you that not all men are assholes is one of the best things you have done. You started seeing him in a different light, you saw how he and your daughter get along well, how he takes care of you, how he manages his time studying and spending time with you. He’s been everything you imagined he would be. One time you found yourself letting people at the mall compliment your little ‘family’ and your heart fluttered more when Jeno thanked them for saying that he looks like your daughter.

Jeno exceeded the standards of being boyfriend material. At the age of 23, you saw responsibility and maturity in him. He does well in his school, is a gentleman and is a family man. You're proud that you're the one he loves and you've been wanting to become his girlfriend for quite some time now, but something is stopping you.

Guilt.

How could you make a perfect man like Jeno father a child that is not his? A man like Jeno should be with a woman that meets his standards. Smart, educated and free. Unlike you, who barely even finished high school, knocked up at eighteen. You believe that he deserves more than what you can offer at your best.

“Hey babe what are you thinking?" He sat beside you on the park bench with a princess Tiana backpack hooked on his shoulder and a bright pink toddler’s cup in one hand.

You gave him a smile. You truly don't deserve him. “Nothing. Just things.”

He frowned. “It looks serious. What's it about?”

You looked away and searched for your daughter playing soccer with the other kids. “Thank you for bringing us here. It means a lot.” You said, changing the topic.

The frown on his face disappeared as he watched Dasom chase the ball, “You don't have to thank me every time I spend quality time with you and Dasom. I love her as much, she's such a sweet girl with a kind heart. Just like her mom.”

You were about to answer when you saw her tripped and fell on her stomach, you wouldn’t worry at first but then you heard her cry and she rarely cries. Both of you jumped up from your seat and ran towards your daughter when a strangely familiar man came to her aid first. “Where does it hurt?” You heard him ask as he checked your daughter's feet. That voice is too familiar to you and you didn't like it. You only confirmed who it was when Jeno looked at you with a worried look.

It's Haechan.

And trust me, I could be the one to treat you like a lady Let me see what's underneath, all I need is you

“Excuse me, that's my daughter.” You sternly said, slightly shoving Haechan away. “Where does it hurt baby?” You felt his gaze on you but you didn't bother looking back. “Jeno, we should get this checked. I think she twisted her ankle and she might have a sprain.” Jeno nodded and immediately carried your daughter and ran to his car. Haechan was about to follow them when you stopped him, “Your concern is appreciated, but you're done helping.”

He looked at you with pleading eyes, tears started to pool around them. “What’s her name? She’s big now and she plays soccer too.” He sounded desperate but you didn't pay attention.

“Let me make this clear, Haechan. We don't want anything to do with you so you better stay the fuck away from us.”

“Please y/n.” For the first time in your life, you saw him cry but you felt nothing.

“Y/N let's go! Dasom won't stop crying!” You heard Jeno call you from the car and you ran up to them. The car ride was quiet other than Dasom’s whimpering. Jeno noticed a black motorcycle following and he instantly knew who it was.

“I think we have company.” Jeno hinted and looked at you through his rearview mirror. You snapped your head to see and he’s right, Haechan is following closely behind.

The nurses checked your daughter’s feet immediately and confirmed that she indeed sprained her ankle and needed to wear a cast for two weeks. You and Jeno are standing side by side and Haechan is standing by the door, keeping away from everyone’s way. You wanted to ask him to leave but you didn't want to create a commotion when your daughter's present. When the doctor and nurses left, you sat on your daughter's bed and kissed her forehead. “You're so brave, baby. I'm proud of you.”

“Am I brave uncle Jeno?” She asked, Jeno walked closer to you and rested his hands on your shoulder then gave Dasom a high five. “You are! You really are a big girl now.” He complimented which made her giggle.

Her giggles stopped when she saw Haechan by the door, looking at her with a sad smile on his face. “Who’s he, mama?” You gave Haechan a glare. He cleared his throat and stood taller, “I'm just your mama’s old friend.”

“But you don't look old?” Haechan laughed but tears are streaming down his face. Jeno quickly took your daughter's attention as you approached Haechan and pulled him away from your daughter's room.

“What's your deal Haechan? What do you want?” You asked in gritted teeth.

“I'm sorry. I have been thinking about her for 3 years and this is the first time my daughter ever talked to me.” He shared it with you with a smile on his face.

“She is not your daughter. She's never been and never will be.” Your voice is filled with venom and he understands that.

“The last thing that I want is to ruin your lives. I don't want to cause any trouble with you and your boyfriend, I just want to be in my— your daughter's life.” He tried reaching for your hands but you avoided his touch.

“And the last thing that I want is for you to show up and demand to be in my daughter's life!”

“Y/n, I was stupid. I was young. I had a bright future in soccer and colleges are wanting me to play for them. I was scared and I thought it would ruin my dreams. I was selfish and a jerk, and I truly regret everything I did to you. I have never stopped thinking about our daughter since the day I left you at that gasoline station. I know I deserve nothing from you, but I'm begging you. I’m here for her now. I'm done making mistakes, I just want to set things right.”

Haechan is on the floor of the hospital halls, kneeling in front of you, begging for forgiveness, begging for a second chance to be in your daughter's life. Little did you know Jeno is on the other side of the door, listening to the conversation you were having with Haechan. He couldn't help but get frightened, threatened even. He never thought of your ex coming back to your lives and the thought of Haechan taking you and your daughter from him scared the soul out of him.

He took one look at Dasom and his worries eased up a bit. He walked to her and sat on her bed. “I need you to remember that Uncle Jeno loves you so much. Hm?”

Dasom looked at him confused but hugged him nevertheless and replied, “I love you so much too, Uncle Jeno.” Jeno closed his eyes and savoured every word she said.

Nobody knows the way that I know her, said Nobody knows the weight that's on her shoulders, said Nobody knows the way that I know her, said She got it bad, she got it bad

Jeno is driving you and Dasom back to your apartment. You kept quiet and so did he. He wanted to ask you so many questions but he refrained from doing it. When you arrived, you carried your daughter from the backseat to her bedroom and thanked Jeno for staying with you in the hospital.

“Are you alright?” He asked. Suddenly you felt the weight of your problems on your shoulders. Without thinking twice, Jeno pulled you in an embrace and let you cry on his shoulder.

“I don't know what to do, Jeno. Haechan doesn't deserve shit, but my daughter, what about my daughter? Maybe now she’s not asking about her father but what am I going to say to her when she starts asking? That I pushed his father away from her life? What if he takes her away from me?”

Jeno tried so hard to stay neutral and give you rational advice, not letting his emotions take the best of him.

“You have to see if Haechan is willing to stick this time. Dasom does not deserve to be left by his dad once, let alone twice. And it's totally up to you if you're going to introduce Haechan as her father or just someone you know. You have the full custody of Dasom and no one’s going to take her away from you.”

His words surely did give you comfort. Both of you stayed in that position as you slowly fell asleep with Jeno on your couch that night.

The smell of bacon woke you up from your sleep, half awake you bolted to the kitchen to check if something’s burning. Your heart melted at the sight of Jeno cooking breakfast with your daughter wearing an oversized apron while sitting on a stool.

“Mama likes bacon with eggs!” Dasom exclaimed.

“Shh we have to keep real quiet so your mama can get more sleep,” Jeno whispered, making your daughter laugh.

If this is the sight you're going to wake up to every day, then there's nothing else you could wish for. Then it hit you. Dasom never asked about his father because Jeno has been filling up that empty role in her life.

You have never been happier since you've given Jeno a chance to prove his love for you. Today you decided that it's your turn to give back his undying love. Quietly, you sneaked from behind. Your daughter caught you and you immediately put your finger on your mouth, signalling her to stay quiet. Gently, you wrapped your arms around his torso and peeked under his arm.

“Good morning.” You greeted him with a smile.

He lowered the heat of the stove before pulling you to his front to hug you properly. “A good morning indeed.”

“Mama stop hugging Uncle Jeno! He’s cooking us breakfast!” Your daughter whined.

“He can still cook while I'm hugging my boyfriend.” You smiled at her, knowing too well that she didn't understand it. Unfortunately, Jeno did not quite get it too.

“Your mama’s right. I can still cook while she's hugging her boy… wha-what?”

“Wha wha wha what?” You imitated him showing him the biggest smile.

“What did you just say?” His smile is even bigger than yours, eyes disappearing completely.

“You heard me.” You said and buried your head on his chest, hugging him tightly.

“She said her boyfriend, Uncle Jeno,” Dasom repeated you for him.

Jeno loosen your hug to pick up your daughter from the stool. “She did say that right? But I never agreed to that didn't I?”

“Oh is that how it is?” You answered laughing.

He quickly pulled you into a hug together with your daughter. “I love you.” He whispered in your ear with a smile.

“I know. I love you too.” You whispered back.

~

It's Sunday afternoon, you don't have to get to work and Jeno’s over your apartment spending time with you. Dasom is taking her nap in her bedroom and you thought this is the best time to address what happened last week at the hospital.

After that hospital trip, Haechan keeps on trying to get back to her daughter's life and honestly, you have no idea what to do. He promised to give you time to think and would do everything to gain your trust back.

“Babe?” You called him, his eyes never left from the movie. You shifted on your seat to look at him. “Can I talk to you about Haechan?” Suddenly, you got his full undivided attention. He turned the TV off and sat properly. Jeno couldn't help but feel threatened by Haechan’s unexpected reappearance in your lives. Sure, he's your boyfriend now but you were Haechan's first, and the daughter that Jeno loves dearly, is also his.

“What about him?”

“I don't want to keep any secrets from you and I want to tell you that I'm thinking of letting Haechan into Dasom's life.”

Jeno was quiet for a minute, carefully thinking over what to say. “You're going to introduce him as what?”

“I don't know yet. I'm going to see how she's going to react around him first.” Jeno looked down at his fingers. You saw how worried his eyes are and you could only imagine what goes on in his head. “Hey, babe. What are you thinking? Talk to me.”

“I'm just scared he’s going to take Dasom away from me. I know he’s the father and I'm just the fun uncle. But I love her like my own and it's going to wreck me when she starts calling him dad.”

You embraced Jeno, you didn't know he’s been thinking that way and it broke your heart. You have been thinking of Dasom a lot that you forgot that Jeno is affected too. “Babe, you're always going to be Dasom’s first love and she's going to love you for a long, long time. Do you want to know what she asked me before we started dating?” He nodded. “She told me that she wishes she's your daughter so you don't have to lie at the mall.”

Soon enough Jeno's crying on your shoulder. His heart clenched at your daughter's wish and he couldn't express how much he wishes the same.

“I understand you're scared that she's going to forget you, but that's not our Dasom. She has to know about Haechan, but that doesn't mean she's going to love you less.”

A sound of a door creaking halted Jeno from crying. Your daughter’s awake and is standing by the door, looking at Jeno confused. “Come here, baby,” Jeno called her and sat her on his lap. “Did you sleep well?”

“Were you crying?” She asked him and it made you laugh.

“It's because I missed you too much. You slept too long.”

Dasom hugged Jeno and rested her head on the crook of his neck. “I'm still sleepy but I'll just sleep here with you.”

“Never leave me okay?”

“Okay.” Dasom sleepily replied, making Jeno cry again. Quietly this time.

Nobody knows the way that I know her, said Nobody knows the weight that's on her shoulders, said Nobody knows the way that I know her, said She got it bad, she got it bad

That same night you dropped Dasom at your sister’s place to meet Haechan with Jeno. You arrived at the coffee shop and saw Haechan waiting for both of you. You saw his soul leave his body every time someone came in. Jeno held your hand to ease your nerves. Haechan stood up as soon as he saw you and politely gestured for both of you to sit down. His mouth opened a couple of times and looked like he was going to ask something. To your disappointment, you understood what he wanted to know. “I left her with my sister. She should be sleeping by now.” You calmly said.

He smiled, “Ahh. You're right. She should sleep more so she can grow taller.” He absentmindedly said.

“Haechan, this is Jeno, my boyfriend. Jeno, you already know Haechan.” Jeno offered his hand and Haechan enthusiastically took it. “I'm going to be straightforward with you. I don't like Dasom to know about you."

Haechan looked down with a sad smile. “I understand that and I couldn't blame you at all.”

“But Dasom deserves to know about you,” Jeno added, which made Haechan glance up.

“You're letting me see her?” He asked, eyes switching between you and Jeno.

You took a deep breath and you felt Jeno’s hand on your thigh. He really knows how to calm you down. “Yes, but you're not telling her anything yet and she’ll never be left alone with you.”

Haechan stood up and bowed deeply to both of you before sitting back down again, “It's more than I deserve, thank you y/n. And thank you Jeno for being there for her when I'm not.”

“I'll always be there for her even now when you're here,” Jeno replied genuinely.

The latter smiled, “Then I'm eternally grateful.”

And I don't care what they say about you baby They don't know what you've been through

Jeno has been very supportive of the decisions you made. Both of you met with Haechan a few times more before finally letting Dasom meet Haechan. You let Haechan plan everything and he was very eager to talk to you about it, he even asked Jeno to help him find a gift for his daughter and the other willingly helped.

Slowly, Jeno's fear of losing the two of you disappeared. He's just happy for Dasom to have another father figure in her life. You on the other hand are losing your shit for every day that passes by. Unable to think properly, fear and worry overshadow you. What if's are flooding your head. What if Haechan realizes he's still not ready for fatherhood? Should you introduce him as your friend first? What if he's planning on taking custody of your daughter?

You know most of it are just funny thoughts and he made it clear to you that he doesn't have any hidden agenda, but he showed intentions of helping you raise your daughter financially, you refused. Later you found out that he opened a savings account for Dasom’s college fund three years ago and has been putting money there continuously. That's when you started believing that Haechan is finally living up to his words and you cannot help but feel happy for your daughter.

“Hey, babe. Everything’s going to be fine.” Jeno stole a glance from you while you wait for Haechan at the parking lot of an amusement park.

“What's taking him so long?” You whispered harshly not wanting your daughter to hear you.

Jeno chuckled, “Babe we’re 15 minutes early and we literally just arrived.” He unbuckled his seatbelt and gave you a kiss on your cheek. “Calm down okay?”

“Are we not leaving the car, Uncle Jeno?” Your daughter asked from the back seat.

“We are, baby. We're just waiting for a friend.”

“I hope he won't take long.” She pouted and crossed her arms on her chest.

Jeno laughed, throwing his head back. “You really are your mother's daughter.”

Exactly 15 minutes later you received a call from Haechan that he’s at the ticketing booth all ready and waiting for the three of you. Haechan really stood out from the crowd not because of his good looks, but because of the bright pink shirt with a print of a cartoon pig he’s wearing. He keeps shifting his weight between his feet and his eyes are filtering the crowds, looking for three particular familiar faces.

“We’ve been waiting for you for 15 minutes Haechan.” You said in gritted teeth and went past him with your daughter in hand to get your own tickets.

“I'm actually an hour early, I was just waiting in the car. I don't want to text you guys that I'm already here because that may sound like I'm being impatient and I thought it might be hard to prepare with a toddler so I didn't want to make you feel like I'm rushing you guys.” Haechan rambled to Jeno.

Jeno chuckled, giving him a tap on his shoulder, “You're okay. She’s just worried, that's all.”

Haechan thanked him, Jeno’s words somehow made him feel a little better. Of course, he didn't expect other treatment from you other than pissed and he understands that. He’s just over the moon that he’s finally going to spend time with his daughter.

“Also, nice shirt. Dasom will love it.” Jeno added teasingly to Haechan before following you and Dasom to the entrance gate.

“Thanks, man. It’s custom made.” He replied wiggling his eyebrows playfully, making them both laugh.

~

It's been almost 30 minutes and you still haven't given Haechan a chance to bond with your daughter. You thought you were preparing her but the reality is, you're preparing yourself. This is a big change in her life and you’ve been having a last-minute crisis.

You were left with Haechan while watching Dasom ride a mini roller coaster with Jeno. The silence isn't awkward, but you felt him getting uneasy beside you. “Just say it, Lee.” You blurted.

“I'm sorry. I just really want to ride a roller coaster with her too.”

You took a deep sigh, “Haechan, come. Let's sit.” You sat down on the nearby picnic table and waited for him to follow you. “After that ride, we're going to tell her about you. I want her to spend this day with you knowing that she’s making a bond with her father, not just one of her mama’s friends. I want you to understand how big this day would impact a 3-year-old’s life. I need you to try your best to cooperate with me and let's try our best to make the situation less difficult for her to understand, okay?”

“Yeah sure okay what do you want me to do?”

“Didn’t I tell you just now? Are you not listening or are you not being serious at all?”

“No, I'm sorry. I'm serious. I just want to know what exactly you want me to do.”

“Try not to speak while I'm explaining things to her, but stay attentive. Watch how she reacts and be mindful. I don't want to give her a shock, it could traumatize her.”

“Traumatized.” He repeated absentmindedly, “We don't want that.”

You nodded, “Exactly.”

“Okay. All ears, hold off the tongue. Got it.” He answered smiling, probably trying to assure you something, but it definitely did not look like that. You only looked at him with desperation when you heard your daughter running to you and Jeno walking behind her.

“I want to ride it again!” Dasom exclaimed as she helped herself get seated beside you.

“Yes baby, you're going to ride it again but mama has to talk to you first. Is that okay?” You asked her and she looked at you confused but nodded nevertheless. You glance up to Jeno and he gave you a nod and mouthed 'It's going to be okay’

For the past weeks you have been practicing how to tell her that his father wants to meet her, but everything you've gone over in your head went down the drain now that you're in this moment.

“Baby, are you not wondering about your father?” You started.

“You mean uncle Jeno?” She asked that took you back. First, you look at Haechan who gave you a sad smile, then to your boyfriend who looked at you with concern.

Jeno walked to you and sat behind you. “I’m really happy that you see me as your father and I love you like my own. But you already had a daddy way before I came, even before you were born.”

“I had one?” She asked so innocently that all three of you moved to tears, especially Haechan, who's trying so hard not to make a noise, muffling his cries with both of his hands.

You sniffed, “Yes baby. You're so special that you have two! You have uncle Jeno,” You gestured to your back where Jeno is seated and he high-fived her. “and Haechan right behind you.” You pointed to her back where Haechan was at. His face is soaked with tears.

“Hi, Dasom. How are you?” He barely finished his sentence with all the crying he did. You know your daughter is not the kid who will get mad at someone and you didn't really expect her to fully understand the situation given her age, but you were so surprised when she hugged Haechan like she knew him for a long time.

“Where have you been?” She asked her cupping his face with her tiny hands. Haechan cried even harder, you had to smack your boyfriend when he couldn't hold off his laughter despite having his eyes pooled with his own tears.

“I'm sorry, I-i just. A-actually...” It was difficult for Haechan to explain the weight of what he did and he certainly doesn't have the intention of lying about the gravity of his mistakes, but he’s also unsure if it's the right time to tell her the full story. He looked at you with pleading eyes, begging for help. You cleared your throat and wiped your cheeks quickly before answering your daughter.

“Baby, he was not here because he went to a faraway place. Then he got lost on the way back, that's why he was gone for a long time.” You explained.

“But we're glad that he’s here now aren't we?” Jeno added making your daughter smile and nod before hugging Haechan once more.

Never have you expected this to be this easy, but finally, your heart is at ease. You’re aware that there would be serious questions she’s going to ask as he grows older, but for now, you enjoyed the sight of your daughter in the arms of her father.

It's already dinner time when you convinced the three of them to leave the amusement park. It's hard to raise a daughter and even harder when two other people are spoiling her.

“Mama, if Uncle Jeno is my dad and Uncle Haechan is also my dad, do I call them both daddy?” Your daughter asked quite loudly, gaining judging looks from the people in the restaurant.

Haechan noticed the stares and hushed murmurs around you. “Take a video so you can watch it again later.” He called out.

“There's an issue when there's no father. Still an issue with two fathers. Can't really please people these days.” Jeno added.

“Please do not engage with them in front of the young one.” You whispered smiling but your eyes were wide enough to make them stop. “Baby, you can call them both daddy if you like.” You answered.

“How about you call Uncle Jeno, papa. Just like how you call your mama, mama.” Haechan suggested.

“I like that. Is that okay with you?” Jeno asked your daughter.

Dasom nodded shyly. “Yes, papa.” And it's Jeno’s turn to cry this time.

Trust me, I could be the one to treat you like a lady Let me see what's underneath, all I need is you

It's been 4 years since you hit rock bottom and your life has always been going great if not the best.

Your daughter’s family got bigger, Dasom finally had a cousin. Your sister and Taeil gave birth to a baby girl just a few months back and they wanted you to be her godmother. Dasom was also introduced to her grandparents for the first time. At first, you were skeptical, but you grew up with your grandmother and you wanted your daughter to create memories with her own grandparents. Haechan’s parents were very apologetic for what their son did, but you told them that it's now all in the past and that he's already forgiven.

Soon enough Haechan found himself a very sweet and kind girlfriend who clicked well with your daughter quite quickly. Sometimes, Dasom would even request for you to go out on a date with Jeno so she could spend the night at Haechan’s place and they were as excited as your daughter to have her over.

Speaking of Jeno, he finally graduated from business school and is preparing to take over his father’s company. You're very excited to finally see him at work every day. You thought you were going to have a problem working with Jeno, but you're glad that both of you were able to keep a professional relationship during work. However, Jeno promised you that he would always find time to eat lunch with you whether you're sharing a packed lunch in his office or in a fancy restaurant 30 minutes away from your workplace.

But today is the first time he’s breaking that promise.

“I'm really sorry babe. It's an important lunch meeting and I cannot miss it.” He explained over the phone, which he already did 10 minutes ago and 5 times more in texts.

You laughed, “Babe I already told you for the nth time that it's fine. I don't mind!”

He sighed, “But you're going to eat alone.” You could swear that you heard him pouting right now.

“I'm going to be alright. If you're so worried about me, I could just facetime Dasom."

“But she's at school babe.” He reminded you. You almost slapped your forehead.

“You're right. Just don't worry about me, I’m sure I can eat just fine. Uhm, hey can we talk later? I'm sorry but I'm quite packed right now.” You bid your goodbye and ended the call and went straight to work.

Little did you know Jeno was never in a business meeting, your daughter never went to school and he purposely gave you a ton of paperwork to do so he can execute his plan properly.

You finished your mountain of work later than usual. You normally leave work at 6 PM and you looked at your wrist to check if it's really two hours past that already. Jeno never came back from his business meeting and you immediately felt your chest tightened in worry. Immediately, you dialled his number but it only rang a few times and went to voicemail after. You were going to give him another call when Haechan’s name popped up on your screen.

“Hey y/n how ar-”

“Sorry I can't talk right now, Jeno left for lunch and he hasn't come back yet he's not even answering my call.”

“Calm down. I know where he is.” He said on the other line. You were confused as to why would Haechan know where your boyfriend was but he didn't let you voice out your question, “Meet us at the small bakeshop at the corner of 6th street and 10th avenue.”

You were going to speak but he hung up on you. That little shit. You instantly ran out of the building and took a cab. It's a 20-minute drive from your workplace to that bakeshop, but it only took the cab driver 10 minutes to bring you there when you offered to triple the amount you're going to pay him if he gets you there quickly. The neighbourhood is quiet and the bakeshop is relatively dark inside. You wondered if you're in the right place, Haechan can't be messing with you can he?

And I don't care what they say about you baby They don't know what you've been through Trust me, I could be the one to treat you like a lady Let me see what's underneath, all I need is you

You gently pushed the door open and the lights on the floor leading to the patio of the store slowly lit up. A small woven basket is by the door and has a note telling you to bring it with you. Your heart is beating violently, your head is making assumptions of what's happening but you pushed it all aside and followed the trail of light.

You saw Haechan and his girlfriend at the beginning of the trail handing you a bag of cookies, you took it and put it in your basket after thanking them. Haechan winked at you and both of them gave you a heartfelt smile. You walked a little further and there your sister and Taeil were also holding out a bag of cookies with their daughter in her arms. As you walked further you meet important people in your life and they give you the same bag of cookies.

At the very end of the trail, you saw your daughter smiling at you also holding a bag of cookies, “Hi mama.” She greeted you.

“Hi, baby.” You replied, holding back your tears.

You felt someone tapped your shoulder and when you looked behind, the whole bakeshop lit up, and right in front of you stood the man you love. Tears are evident in his eyes, but joy defeats them. He held both of your hands,

“You were my very first friend and the only girl I've ever loved. Because of these cookies, I got to know the most beautiful girl I've ever had the chance to see. You told me I was the reason why you're living your second life, but you, you and Dasom gave me a meaningful one. I never thought I am capable of loving someone this much and it surprises me how much more I fall for you every day. I love you both so much that each passing day scares me that I might lose one of you, and today I'm going to make sure we're staying together for the rest of our lives.”

Jeno knelt down on one knee in front of you and took a red velvet box from his back pocket and opened it, revealing a beautiful diamond ring.

“Y/N, you are the reason for my happiness and the woman behind the man that I am today. I am lucky enough to be your boyfriend, can I be as lucky to be your husband?”

Hot tears are staining your cheeks, you couldn't even see him clearly. But in your heart, the answer is as clear as the night sky. You knelt down on both of your knees and hugged him tightly, digging your face on the crook of his neck. “Yes, Jeno. Yes.” You answered.

Everybody screamed and cheered. You pulled away so he could slip the ring on your finger and kissed you, both of you still kneeling on the floor. He rested his forehead on yours.

“I never cared what they said about you, none of them know what you’ve been through.” He whispered.

“All I need is you.” You mumbled before kissing him again. “And my daughter of course.” You added.

“Our daughter.” Jeno corrected.

She got a bad reputation She takes the long way home

A/N: So this is the story that started the idea of making a Shawn Mendes playlist! I cannot believe I’m finally uploading my very first story today! Thank you to those who patiently waited and to you who finished reading this!! I feel like I have so much to say, but I literally cannot put my thoughts into words. Thank you again!!

[ln0404]

･ ⋆ ･༄ — 𝑱𝑬𝑵𝑶 𝑳𝑬𝑬 ;!

[potatzu]

past future ether

[unh4ppylov3r]

Obsession (っ◞‸◟c)

[ln0404]

|¡| 𝐋𝐄𝐄 𝐓𝐀𝐄𝐘𝐎𝐍𝐆 |¡|

[tyongxnct]

𝐻𝑎𝑙𝑓 𝐴 𝐻𝑒𝑎𝑟𝑡 - 𝐿𝑒𝑒 𝐽𝑒𝑛𝑜

pairing: Lee Jeno x fem!reader

special guests: Haechan, Jaemin, Renjun, mention of Doyoung

summary: You love Jeno and Jeno loves you, as simple as that, but you two are too scared to confess your feelings and lose each other. Once you start college together, you meet an old friend. Jeno’s heart can’t take it, he makes a big mistake and pushes you away.

genre: bestfriends-to-lovers!au, college!au, angst, smut, fluff

warnings: smut JUST TWO SCENES, I’LL MARK IT AS SMUT SO YOU CAN SKIP IT IF YOU ARE A MINOR, swearing, alcohol consumption, rollercoaster of emotions, (not a major) character death, jealousy ( i guess thats it?)

IMPORTANT: you don’t have to lose your virginity, it is up to you and your body. Whenever YOU feel ready and even if you don’t want to lose it, it is okay, just don’t listen to other people, listen to your heart!

wc: 13.4k

song rec: this fic is inspired by one of my all time favorite songs, half a heart by one direction <3

NOTE: heyyy! first of all thank you for all of the love and support, i’m SO FUCKING THANKFUL and happy, you guys have no idea! 💖 I hope you like this fic! Sorry for taking so long to post! 

taglist: @jenosdaemi  @ahgastayzen @chitaphrrrr @cosmiclatte28​ @daftsuh @aesthetichrj @bitchenderyy​ (i think that’s it? sorry if i forgot to tag everyone!

this is fiction!

© tyongxnct on all platforms

“Jeno?” you whispered softly.  

“Hm?”  

“Are you seriously sleeping right now?” you said, your voice much louder now, startling him.  

“What do you want from me?” he asks sleepily.  

“I can’t believe you fell asleep. We’re watching a scary movie. You’re supposed to keep me safe between your arms, not drool on my pillow.”

“I’m not drooling. Come here you big baby.” Jeno pulled you closer by your waist, hugging you tightly and placing his chin on your shoulder, trying to focus on the movie.  

The movie was still playing and you were about to shit your pants. A jump scare startled you and you didn’t want to continue the movie. You turned around and hid you face in Jeno’s neck. “I’m not going to watch that anymore. I’m fucking scared.”

“You wanted to watch this.” he said as he caressed your hair, his eyes on the movie playing in front of him but he couldn’t focus, not when you’re so close to him.

“I-I just… Hyeri recommended that movie, I just thought you’re sick of all the romance movies we watch, and I know that you like scary movies.”

Keep reading

[vanillepoupe]

𝐧𝐜𝐭 𝐝𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐦 + 𝐥𝐢𝐭𝐭𝐥𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐦

𝐌𝐀𝐑𝐊:

• laughing at everything and anything

• catching him looking at you accross the room

• and smiling

• watching youtube videos together

• listening to pop songs

• making playlists

• calling eachother "dude"

• "this song reminded me of you"

𝐑𝐄𝐍𝐉𝐔𝐍:

• painting together

• ordering food for you if you're shy

• teaching you korean and mandarin but never correcting you bc he finds your dedication to pronouncing the words so cute

• even if you make some ungodly mistake

• being soft only for you

• don't tell the others

• lets you play with his hair and cuddle him

• watching conspiracy theories and alien documentaries

• talking for hours about whether ghosts exist

• and about the way you think the universe looks

𝐉𝐄𝐍𝐎:

• bike rides near the river

• and playing video games

• holding onto your waist

• and resting his hand on the small of your back

• understanding his humour

• laughing at eachother's jokes

• hyping him up whenever he has something funny to say

𝐉𝐀𝐄𝐌𝐈𝐍:

• sharing meals

• giving you drinks and foods with milk and strawberry that the others got him as a joke

• hugs 24/8

• will literally feed you so you try new things

• looking at you with so much love in his eyes

• they're sparkling like the stars

𝐇𝐀𝐄𝐂𝐇𝐀𝐍:

• teasing eachother 24/8

• but gets serious when needed

• actually gives good advice

• and hugs you to death while doing so

• tries to kiss your face all the time

• even if the timing is inappropriate

• your rejection won't stop him

𝐂𝐇𝐄𝐍𝐋𝐄:

• shared laughs

• inside jokes

• teasing eachother over the dumbest things

• but being super supportive at the end of the day

• would call people out if they tease you too much or say something bad

• knowing eachother's secrets

𝐉𝐈𝐒𝐔𝐍𝐆:

• teaching you choreographies

• being his go to person for emotional support

• and for talking about whatever comes to his head

• because he has many questions

• and likes to hear your thoughts on everything

• having movie nights

• and building blanket forts

• staying up until 3 AM together

[neoct-zen-deactivated20210825]

Hi, I saw you were open to give advice for writing, thank you so much for this, I noted a few things 👀

Now that may be stupid, but it's hard for me to start to write. I don't know where to start and I feel the need to explain the situation beforehand but I find it awkward everytime 😅

For starters, there's no explaining. I'm assuming that you read my tips for not making smut repetitive so I'm going to say it again: your readers aren't dumb and they don't need instructions.

You don't need to write:

'James and Jennie met three years ago on a train—she was a freshman in university while James was already in line to take over his father's business empire. They saw each other every day and got closer with small conversations that turned into more.'

You're telling me this instead of showing. There are other ways to go about this. Either take the time to flesh out the characters and their dynamics more, or sneak in their dynamics in the present time in your story. I actually have two fics that show what I mean by these two ways.

So for the first way, there's Couple Gone Wild. Right off the bat, I start with a small flashback that gives the purpose of how the characters came to be, how they've established themselves and who they are. Show it—don't just tell me that James is reserved and Jennie is carefree. Don't explain who your characters are but instead, show me through their actions, their dialogue, their thoughts, how they react to situations, etc.

For the second way, Loverboy is the example. There's not really a backstory that's given on who the characters are. So instead I show their dynamics through their interactions. LVB!Jaehyun is overly affectionate because throughout the fic he's touching LVB!OC somehow—he likes hugging her, sticking by her side and kissing her. While on the other hand, LVB!OC is more reserved and shy with unfamiliar people—she mumbles and stutters more and tries hard to answer perfectly to his friends, she looks around the party instead of enjoying herself, she feels like she sticks out in the worst way possible. But with those she's comfortable with and trusts, she laughs, she jokes around, she speaks more clearly.

The dynamics have already been shown and established clearly without me having to tell you that this person is affectionate while the other person is shy. Like I said in my smut tip post, "How can you describe the room as hot without using the word 'hot'?" Same thing, how can you describe the story without telling me the story. How can you describe James as reserved and serious without telling me he's reserved and serious?

As for starting off your story, you can start with so many different things:

- onomatopoeia (bang! pop! ping! clang!)

- dialogue

- a rhetorical question

- the five senses

- how does your character feel at that moment?

This is just my opinion. I hope this helps anonnie💚

[strawberrymilkandcigarettes]

tattooed souls — l.jn (part III)

<< part II << part I

pairing: Jeno x reader (ft. Jaemin)

genre: soulmate au / heavy angst / fluff (?) / romance

word count: 29k (through 3 separate parts for reading convenience lol)

summary: Living in a world of soulmates is difficult when you are born without one. It means a lonely destiny, and you have lived with that promise for eighteen years now, carrying it around like the heaviest curse. But something has changed. Something... Or rather someone. A boy with a sleeve tattoo who is set on convincing you that the curse you so perceive is actually the ultimate blessing.

A/N - warnings (please do not take these lightly!): mental issues; self-harm (scratching, pinching, biting), self-destructive thoughts. Two panic attack episodes. Sexual scenes, although no true smut. Jeno's father in the fic is a pastor of a Catholic church, so it is implied that the boy (and the reader, though it is never explicitly suggested) somewhat follows the faith, too. It is not the main topic of the story, but since this is a reader insert, I must mention the detail, in case you are a strict follower of a different religion and might thus find the fic offensive. Other than that, alcohol consumption, cursing.

ALSO, for the sake of the plot, although the story is set in the US, the drinking age is 18. I know it's a stretch, but let's just all pretend that they took a page out of Europe's book lol (...the liberties I take to make things legal hehe)

The start of the Summer is approaching, as is your graduation, and you only see Jeno at school now. Same goes for Iris, who spends all of her free moments with Mark. And as for Melanie and Grace, well, between studying, band practice and each other, they have no room left for you in their lives. But it’s understandable. It’s a busy season for everyone, after all; with exams approaching and college applications closing down… It is almost a miracle that you and Jaemin find the time to spend with each other as much as you do; apparently nothing is impossible with enough effort.

Actually though, hold that thought. There might be one thing impossible, and that is convincing your parents that your relationship is not an absolute mistake. It’s not even that they have anything against Jaemin—they actually like having him around, enough to laugh at every joke when he comes for dinner—but as soon as it’s just the three of you, you’re getting lectured about how the boy could only ever hurt you.

“But he makes me happy!” you try to argue, forcing the same point again and again.

Your parents share a glance, and your mother sighs.

“Y/N, darling,” she says. And ‘darling’ in her lips is never a good sign. “I am sure there are other things that make you happy too... Why don't you focus on those, hmm? Something more—”

“Long-term?” you finish her sentence with a sneer. “No, thank you. Not every good thing in life needs to be a forever thing, mom.”

“But if you found something you enjoyed…”

“Well, I enjoy fashion. And, fingers crossed, I'll be studying that in New York soon. Happy?”

You snap at your parents, irritation bubbling up. They don’t understand the emotional turmoil you are going through. They don’t get just how much the relationship with Jaemin means, how much fulfillment it gives you. Each day is a gift; more so since you know there is a limited amount of them. And you treasure every second you spend with the boy. Every conversation, every little touch, every kiss…

Every time you are with Jaemin you try to memorize every minute detail, to engrave the moment so deep in your mind and your heart that it could never get erased. You want to be able to remember, even on your deathbed, the way the sunshine dances in his hair and bounces off of it onto your face, igniting a smile as bright as the sun rays. To be able to recall the soft sound of Jaemin’s giggles, and how they always echo in your own mouth. And the little nose scrunches the boy does each time before he pulls you in for a brief, innocent kiss. And the way his lips always taste so sweet on yours.

You want to remember the heat that spreads from your chest into your limbs whenever you see him, and the flutters of your heart when your fingers intertwine. The shivers shaking you down to your soles when Jaemin’s hand reaches somewhere more intimate. The comfort of his back hugs. The peace in your mind, reading his ‘good morning’ and ‘sweet dreams’ texts. The natural tendency to lean your head into the crook of Jaemin’s neck when you sit side by side. You want to remember all of it, and so much more...

“Y/N,” now it’s your father speaking, “we just don’t want you to get hurt by how this ends.”

He is wearing a solemn smile, and his words make you sigh and shake your head. You don’t want to see yourself get hurt either. Of course, you don’t. But perhaps it’s the fact that you know that the end awaits, so you feel prepared for it. Or, perhaps, it’s because you refuse to accept just how deep Jaemin has placed himself in your heart (much through your own efforts) and how painful it will be to tear him out of there. The point is, you are putting your trust into the hope that saying goodbye to Jaemin will not be something that breaks you.

“I know Jaemin will leave one day,” you try to explain your conviction to your parents. “I know that! But don’t worry.” Irritated by the dismissiveness written all over their faces, you radiate sarcasm, squinting and pulling your lips into a tight smile. “I won’t ask you to pick up my broken pieces when he does.” One sharp move, and you stand up from the dining table. “Because there won’t be any.”

When you march upstairs, your steps are fast and confident. You do genuinely believe in what you just said. Yet, when you pick up a call from the boy in question, some doubt creeps in.

“You okay?” Jaemin’s voice is soaked in worry. “You sound worked up.”

You meet him with silence.

“Did you fight with your parents again?”

“I did.”

“Was it bad?”

“No?” You hesitate, rethinking. ”Yes?” I don’t know, Jaem. Like…” You make yourself more comfortable in bed, shifting around to sink your back deeper into the pile of pillows and pulling the comforter closer to your face. “They are worried this won’t last, I get it, but it’s just so—”

“Frustrating?”

“Yeah.”

“Well, if it makes you feel any better, my parents are against us together, too.”

You hear the boy laugh on the other end of the line, but his attempt to cheer you up does quite the opposite.

“Well,” you contemplate, “maybe they’re right?”

“Who? My parents? Yours?”

“All of them. I’m happy with you, Jaemin. Honestly, you make me the happiest I’ve ever been, but—”

“If you’re happy, then there is no but.“

You smile with sorrow, clutching your bedsheets to keep tears at bay. “There is,” you say with a sniffle, “you know very well that there is a but in this relationship, Jaemin. A but that can be also spelled as Amelie.”

For the most part, you try not to mention the girl’s name. She’s the looming threat in your relationship that you’d rather leave unspoken, ignored completely until the last second while you still can. Yet there are times when her invisible presence becomes so real in your thoughts that it’s impossible to ignore. Times when you imagine Jaemin tracing the letters of her name before he falls asleep, wishing that she’d show up sooner. Times when just the idea of her, of who she could be, is enough to make you feel inferior; that same pathetic jealousy that you so hate, yet can’t help but feel.

On the other end of the line, Jaemin puffs out a bunch of air, the breath strained with emotion. He doesn’t argue your point, but neither does he encourage it, and you are left to wonder what exactly sits on his mind in silence for a while, before Jaemin exhales into the microphone again. Though this time, if you're not mistaken, the sigh is carrying some form of closure and relief.

“Okay,” the boy speaks. “Crazy idea. Can you climb out your window? And then back in?"

You perk up, blinking away the wetness in your eyes. “I can…” you say hesitantly, before following it up: “Why?

Jaemin snickers. “Come to my place.”

You are glad you’re not drinking anything because you’re sure you would have choked upon his words. “Jaemin,” your jaw hangs, “you’re insane!”

It’s past ten at night, and you have school tomorrow. So, surely, he must be joking. But Jaemin is not the joking type… Not these types of jokes, anyway.

The boy giggles into the phone, sensing your resistance. “I might be,” he says, and it doesn’t take much in you to conjure up an image of the bright smile he wears when he mouths the words. “But I want to see you.”

“Now?”

“Did it sound like I was talking about tomorrow?”

Probably goes without saying, but you end up climbing down through your window. And soon enough up again, stumbling rather awkwardly into Jaemin’s bedroom and straight into his arms.

It is not the first time that you’re visiting Jaemin’s place. And not the first time that the two of you have sex, but it feels different tonight. Everything feels different. Heightened. More significant. From the way Jaemin’s lips feel against the most sensitive parts of your skin, to the way his eyes glisten in the moonlight when you flip your bodies to be on top. Or are those your eyes reflecting in his? Is it your gaze that’s full of… Love?

When you fall on your backs side by side, heavy panting resonating across the room, your reality starts shattering, the pointy pieces of it falling into your chest and stinging your heart.

“Jaemin?” You call out into the darkness, voice tremulous.

“Yes?”

“I think I love you.” You blurt out the words before you can regret them. “But that's impossible.” Doubt, nonetheless, follows. “It can’t be real… Right?

Next to you, Jaemin pulls his arm beneath his head to lay on it. “If that’s what you believe…”

His voice is passive, without color. You can’t determine how your confession made the boy feel, nor his true thoughts about your uncertainty regarding your feelings. And the silence in the room doesn’t have answers for you either, but it’s the only thing you can turn to. The quietude and the shadows dancing on the ceiling as the curtains on Jaemin’s windows move, shifting the stream of the dim light that filters in.

The bed that was so comfortable just moments ago seems to have become hard as wood against your bare back. And the comforter is both too light and too heavy as you break out in cold sweat. You are so anxious, unsure whether or not you just ruined one of the only good things in your life, but at the same time, you don’t find the strength to get up and leave. You want to run away, but you’re afraid to. And you want to say something, but you don’t know what, so you mimic Jaemin and close your eyes. Perhaps, you think, if you fall asleep soon, you can just ignore all of this in the morning.

But sleep isn’t coming as easily as you wish it would. And the same seemingly goes for Jaemin, because in a few minutes you hear the boy heave a deep sigh and feel the mattress move as he shifts around.

“I think I love you too.”

Appalled, you twist your chin. “Jaemin!” You call out his name with a fluster, trying to make out the contours of his face and searching for the boy’s eyes in the blackness. There is pain in them when you find them. Or least bewilderment. Yet it’s also mixed with determined warmth.

“No, listen to me,” Jaemin says. “I... love you, Y/N.” He takes the time to taste the words in his mouth, to familiarize himself with the way they roll off his tongue, smirking pleasantly as he seems to like the way the sentence rings in the tiny space between your faces.

“I know you’re not my soulmate, but I’ve been putting a lot of thought into this…” The boy breaks off as hoists his upper body up onto the pillow pile. “And the feelings are real, “ he says earnestly, pulling you closer so you can rest your back against his chest.

”More than real. Who said that all soulmates love each other anyway? Maybe they don’t. Maybe people force themselves into loveless marriages just because they think that's what the name means, that’s it’s all about romance. But what if it’s not? What if a soulmate is just a—” Jaemin breaks off again, giving some thought to his next words.

“Okay, think of it this way,” he eventually says. “Two souls made out of something exactly the same. So they feel a pull towards one another. A familiarity, an instantly comfortable connection. But that can be friendship, that can be anything that is not necessarily love!”

“So what you’re saying is... That soulmates might be important to each other but not always in love?”

“And vice versa. Two people can be in love but not soulmates.”

“You are absolutely insane, you know that?

It stings. It stings so much to hear Jaemin speak, yet you still force yourself to giggle.

“And you love me for it.” The boy grins into your hair.

With a gloomy smile, you take Jemin's hand and lace your fingers together for an added bit of closeness. “Apparently I do,” you confirm. “But so will your soulmate one day, Jaemin. She's somewhere, and once you two meet she will want to be with you. And not just as friends. “

“Then I could make it so that we never meet.”

How nice would that be… And how unrealistic.

“How?

“I could stay here. Open a dance academy instead of going to college. And you could go to New York and then return after three years... We could be together. No one ever comes to visit this town. It would be our little happy bubble.”

You have always pegged Jaemin as the cynical-realistic type, but he is proving to be quite the opposite with the optimism that has stretched his whole face into the brightest grin.

“I’d teach old ladies salsa and you’d design clothes…” The boy goes on, imagining further and further how your life could look like. “And maybe one day we would even start a family. No soulmates, no problems, and this,” Jaemin turns sideways pulling your body closer into his chest, “would never have to end.”

You nuzzle your face deeper into the crook of his neck, throwing an arm around Jaemin’s torso. “I wish…” Your lips softly tickle the sensitive skin below his jawline. “It’s a nice plan, but you can’t run away from your destiny, Jaem. No one can.”

And you are right. Jaemin’s destiny does come. She marches into town one gloomy morning, popping right in front of your unsuspecting form as a short girl with long blonde hair, and a smile that feels all too familiar. She bumps into you at a local cafe, asking where she could find the town’s cemetery.

“It’s that way,” you motion in the right direction, a little confused. “Go to the end of the street, turn right and it’ll be right in front of an old church. You’ll see it.”

The girl thanks you, beaming like she’s the sunshine itself. “I learned some of my relatives used to live here,” she explains, “We’re on a road trip, so thought why not visit, ya’ know?”

She seems a little too excited for a topic as somber as death, almost as if she’s on a treasure hunt and not here to pay respects to her dead ancestors. And as you watch her skip down the street in the direction you pointed her in, you can only think of one person who could understand and share that same mindset.

Later that day Jaemin calls you, and even before he goes further than a simple ‘hi’, you already know that the little inkling you got was correct. The boy sounds nervous, apologetic and excited all at once, so you almost wish to turn him down when he asks if he could come over to talk—you don’t feel prepared for what’s coming—but you end up saying ‘yes’.

Strangely, the disappointment doesn’t hit you as quickly and strongly as you expected. Maybe I overestimated my own feelings, you think. But then you actually see Jaemin at your doorstep, doing the impossible—smiling brighter than he ever has—and the crushing wave of sorrow you thought you evaded washes over you ice-cold. It’s been only a few hours since Jaemin met his soulmate and she has already made him happier than you could over multiple weeks.

Listening to Jaemin as he tells you the story of how they met is strangely reminiscent of the day you listened to Iris as she gushed over Mark. The same pure, all-consuming joy that radiated from the girl’s body is now present in every gesture Jaemin makes, every word that his lips form. He’s glowing. So much so that you can’t even be upset at the situation.

“I know I said that not all soulmates might be love connections. And I still believe that, Y/N. I do. But this girl…” Jaemin takes both of your hands in his, communicating nothing but sincerity, and you flinch; this is the last time he will be holding them.

“What we had was amazing,” the boy goes on to tell you, “but the feelings I got the second I saw Amelie were just so much stronger…”

You want to be mad. If not at Jaemin, then at the world that decided the boy would be better off with someone who is not you. But the emotion never ignites in your chest. You’re happy for Jaemin. Sad for yourself, yes, but it doesn’t take away from the fact that you are glad that the boy who gave you so much has finally found the true happiness he was destined for. He deserves it, he deserves to live life to the fullest.

You don’t express any of that to Jaemin, however. And yet he knows. You can see how the expression you wear lets Jaemin read your thoughts, and how by the time the two of you say goodbye the apologetic regret in him has nearly doubled.

“I know this makes me seem like a complete jerk. Like I never actually cared about you.” Jaemin clutches the strap of his backpack tighter and pulls his lips into a dispirited smile. “But I did. Please know that.” His eyes alone have convinced you he means it, but the boy still adds: “I meant every word I ever said.”

You swing your head solemnly. “Don’t worry,” you take a deep breath. “I know.”

You’d like to say that the hug you share as a goodbye is strictly platonic. A wish for a nice future on both of your ends. But the reality is, the hug, at least to you, means much more than just an ending to a chapter of your and Jaemin’s lives. All the emotions you had yet to express are condensed in it. All the words you were ready to say one day, hoping that you still had time. The hope for a future together that Jaemin had somehow planted in you despite your resistance, after all, gets buried then too—squeezed out of you in the same moment that Jaemin almost physically crushes your chest to convey the sincere regret he holds.

The hug is meaningful. But as soon as Jaemin leaves, you wish it had been an empty, short and sweet gesture instead. Because now, watching Jaemin’s back, you wish you had listened to your parents and Jeno. You wish you had better guarded your feelings. And you’re scared now, that you have opened yourself so wide that it will be too difficult to build up walls quickly and high enough to fend off the loneliness that is bound to come banging on the doors to your heart. You don’t know how much time you have before that happens, but you do know that you simply cannot let yourself be alone right now. So you call Iris. And luckily the girl understands the weight of the situation from the plea that is etched into your greeting alone.

Usually, you are afraid to cry. You take tears as a sign of lost control, of being at the mercy of something you are far too afraid to accept as a part of yourself. You hate the feeling of that hot, salty liquid stinging your tear ducts, the way it mocks you rolling down your face and soaking through your t-shirts. You despise the pathetic rush of blood into your cheeks and eyes, and the way your pupils dilate with unrestrained fear, the way you’re always left with swollen under eyes and a runny nose.

You hate it. With every cell of your being. Crying makes you ashamed of yourself and of your life, of all the reasons that force you to cry in the first place. Yet that doesn’t change the reality that you need to cry right now, you need to let your emotions out.

You just wish you weren’t doing so sprawled on the carpet of Iris’ bedroom, with all three of your girl friends huddled around you, witnessing the dismal culmination of your bittersweet and short-lived romance. And yet that, too, is needed. You'd be worse off without your friends taking turns to soothingly stroke your hair and your back, and attempting to mumble words of encouragement. They are not motivational speakers, that’s for sure, but they’re at least trying and they’re there for you. And, whether you like to admit it or not, it’s helping.

Someone knocks on the door and the wooden panel moves to make a gap for the intruder to stick his head in.

“Sorry,” it’s Mark, who Iris pushed downstairs as soon as you said you’d rather not see anyone but the immediate circle. “I just wanted to check… If you need anything?”

He sounds concerned and so willing and eager to step into the room, to do something, to in some way help, but you still swiftly turn your head sideways to hide your tear-stained face. You don’t feel comfortable receiving his compassion. Not yet. And Iris fixes the boy in place with a glare, thankfully on your side.

“We’re fine, babe,” she says in a low tone, and you hear a faint smile in her voice, despite not looking. “You can leave if you want to, I don’t think we’ll be done here any time soon.”

Mark, presumably, nods without much resistance. “It’s fine," he says." I’ll just watch something. Pretty sure football is on. Call me if you need anything, ‘kay?”

The door closes with a light thud, and you snort back the tears you had suppressed while the boy was talking. And, surprisingly, not a single one more comes out of your tear ducts—the first time in a while that evening that you are able to take a steady breath. Yet you feel heavy, still. Heavy with emptiness, a gaping hole carved out in place of your heart in your chest.

“Looks like Mark managed to help after all,” you thus chuckle bitterly, dabbing at the corners of your eyes and wiping off some of the smeared mascara.

Help… Why, even if you refuse it, can you still not go a day without receiving support, emotional or otherwise? Iris would perhaps say that it’s because no one is meant to go through life alone. And while that’s true in her case, it is far from accurate in yours.

You are meant to live and die alone, you are meant to face hardships alone, too. That’s your destiny, that’s what your bare wrists remind you of each morning. But then how come you’re incapable of dealing with problems on your own? How come you succumb to overwhelming panic whenever you don’t have a person by your side to lean on? Be that person one of your friends or, recently, Jaemin, but you can’t find joy in anything unless there is someone who is looking for it with you.

You are weak and worthless; that’s what it is. Or least that's what the tiny voice in the back of your mind tells you, screaming louder and louder…

“Do you want us to call—”

Grace, ever so innocent and naive, reads the enmity that your furrowed brows hold completely wrong. She speaks with mother-like kindness in her voice, and a tender look in her eyes, as if a sharper gaze could scratch you. So you almost feel apologetic when Melanie cuts the girl off mid-question, swatting a palm over the other’s mouth.

“Don’t” says the intense look she directs into Grace’s eyes, but it’s too late, you can guess—even without hearing the rest of the sentence—what name would’ve stood at the end of it.

“Please don’t,” you end up sighing, voicing what Melanie stopped short of saying. “I’m not ready, so please don’t fucking tell Jeno anything.”

You clutch the edge of your shirt, and the breath you exhale is faint and tremulous.

“Of course, babe, whatever you say you need.”

Melanie has always been the wise and balanced one, with just enough rationality in her encouraging smile that makes you believe she understands exactly why you’re so set on keeping away the one person that has never failed to cheer you up at a time when you need him most. After all, she’s also the one who gauged the shift in your and Jeno’s relationship the fastest; the tension and the unresolved conflict were not something her critical eyes could miss.

Melanie knows, or at least suspects, that you can't afford to see Jeno’s face in your current state. To see the look on him that would say “told you so”, to bear the burden of regret and confusion that his presence would surely bring. Besides, you are not in a position to ask the boy to be there for you as a friend again, not when your relationship with him has turned into a floundering, nebulous mess.

You are not not on speaking terms with Jeno. But you are not exactly as close as you once were either. Scratch that, you doubt you can say you’ve retained any closeness at all, not when you can't even tell what he’s been up to in the past few weeks. You’ve been too focused on Jaemin and, in all honesty, on forgetting Jeno and how he used to make you feel to be able to worry about keeping at least a certain level of genuine friendship still lingering, still binding you and him.

Do you still care about the boy? No doubt. But does Jeno still care about you? Or has he already moved on..?

You don’t want to sound conceited, even if only in your own mind, but you do think that Jeno still cares. That, despite all that has happened, he would come in seconds, picking you up and pressing you against his chest so tightly that your broken pieces would get compressed back into one, glued together with the magic of his smile.

And it appears as though you are not the only one holding this opinion. Because Iris, seemingly dissatisfied with your poor job of removing the messy traces of makeup, takes out a tissue to properly wipe your face, asking: “You sure?” She gently rubs the soaked cotton against your skin. “Jeno would want to be here if he knew.”

“Which is precisely the reason why he shouldn’t.”

The girl pulls her lips into a straight line, lifts and drops her brows, but doesn’t argue. “There,” she says a couple of seconds later, pulling her hand with the tissue away from your face. “Looking much better.”

“Do you want water? Snacks?” Grace, by your side, stands up with an interjection. “Ice cream?” she tries. “I could run downstairs. Or even to the store. Whatever you want.”

She’s sulking apologetically, but her face is ignited with enthusiasm. Grace is doing her best to deflect your mind and at the same time looks so guilty for bringing up Jeno that you find yourself feeling bad for the girl.

“Some Ben & Jerry's would be nice,” you sniffle through a forced smile.

Ice cream isn’t what you want. But your friend looks desperate for a chance to make up for her slip-up, and sending her out with a task that’s supposedly helpful brings as much relief to her as it does to you, knowing your personal issues won’t affect Grace’s sleep that night. And only after your friend grabs her bag and leaves the room with a set goal of finding your favorite flavor in any of the nearby convenience stores do you heave a sigh that holds the true answer of what could potentially make you feel better.

“I just want to forget,” you rest the back of your head on Iris’ mattress, hair splaying on her white sheets. “Do you think your parents still have that stash of tequila in the basement?”

It’s been more than a year since you and the girls found the expensive bottles stored inside the shelves behind an old pool table. It had been a day like any other, just you four and Jeno goofing around, heads filled with nothing but loud music that pulsated through the large speakers that Iris’ had put in the one space of the house where no sound could escape far enough to reach the neighbors.

The day was filled with lighthearted fun and silly truth or dare games, one of which had led you stripping on the pool table and clumsily falling off of it, landing headfirst into a flimsy box that ringed with glass against your skin. Oh, what a find! But the bottles were dusty, and you cared more at that moment about getting ice for the bump that was slowly rising beneath your skin. The tequila was left untouched, and you are glad now, seeing as Iris swings her head, confirming that the bottles are still there.

“Do you want a full party?” she asks. “Should I invite Mark?”

You don’t want a party. But Mark can come—you no longer care, so long as it’s not Jeno.

Alcohol is not your best friend. It gets you tipsy all too fast, and too honest, restless to the point you lose all sense of self-restraint. So you only drink with people you trust, and only in amounts that you are sure you can handle. But not tonight.

Tonight you ignore the scorching heat that burns holes in your throat, the hits your rational mind takes with every gulp. You disregard the dizziness when you stand up and brush past Mark and Iris huddled on an old couch shoved into one of the basement corners to put on one of your favorite songs to play.

You want to black out in bliss tonight. No matter if it’s fake, alcohol-induced happiness that will fade away together with a heavy hangover the next morning, you just want to erase the sorrow; drench your aching heart in tequila, and burn it. Burn your pain, your misery until you can only remember the good parts. You want to fill the gap left by Jaemin’s absence, you want to feel whole tonight in all the ways that he made you feel.

But there is no random guy to pull inside your bed, so you take alcohol as the next best option. You invite the murky veil the liquid pulls over your senses, the fuzzy warmth it wraps you in. You let go, flailing your arms above your head with bitter yet boisterous laughter shaking your chest as you spin in circles along with the beats reverberating through the ground.

You see yourself as light as a feather, elegant and graceful, but in reality, you are hitting every corner of every object—large and small—that Iris’ family has stacked downstairs over the years. Yet you don’t care. You don’t feel the sharpness of the edges when they dig into your skin, you just giggle and continue spinning, round and round… Until a pair of arms stops you from diving into someone’s chest. And suddenly you do care about who you bumped into.

“Jeno—” his presence, as always, knocks a breath out of your lungs, and you are left to stare into the boy's eyes with your jaw loose and throat tightening.

You can't read his expression, it’s too blurred in your vision, all lines of Jeno’s face blending together while the boy continues to hold your arms up by your wrists. So you squint, trying to peer through the haze, but to no avail, and the unknown makes you childishly giggle.

“Jeno, Jeno, Jeno.” You repeat his name, eyes half-closed in glorified drowsiness and lips stretched into a grin as you fall forward, chest right into his. But the boy steps backward and holds you still, your bodies strictly apart.

“You’re drunk,” Jeno speaks, matter-of-factly. And your gummy smile reappears as you lul your head before peeking over his shoulder, on your tippy-toes, like a toddler.

“Grace—” You roll the girl’s name accusingly. And perhaps it’s because she’s further away, but you can read her face clearly, unlike Jeno’s, taking notice of the apologetic pull of her lip.

“I bumped into him on my way back and—” the girl begins, but never gets to finish the sentence, cut off by Melanie who snatches the white plastic bag that’s hanging off of Grace's hand.

“Cookie dough! You’re amazing!” the taller girl pecks the shorter’s cheek appreciatively, then turns to you and Jeno, ramming her free hand into her waist. “Don’t worry,” she speaks to the boy in a firm tone, disregarding your pleading and confused stare, “she’s done drinking, now that you’re here.”

“Wha—” you stumble in place, almost falling back, if not for Jeno who keeps you fixed on your feet. “You—” The puzzle pieces fall in place all at once, even in your drunken state, and they form a single word—traitor.

“I know, I know,” Melanie, unfazed by your blazing glare, extends a hand to gently pinch your cheek. “But you can’t be mad at me, ‘ay? You need him. Not us.” she says. “I just did what was best.”

The one person you thought understood you… Turns out she didn’t, and you bitterly pull your face away from the girl’s palm. “Fuck off,” you hiss under your nose. “And you too,” you tug your wrists down, and Jeno lets go easily.

The anger of betrayal has sobered you up, so you can finally see the expression the boy wears—it’s pain. And strong worry. Etched into his lowered brows and sunken cheeks, raising the veins on the sides of his neck. It’s so intense, your chest constricts, your stomach uncomfortably twisting.

“You’re all wrong,” you tighten your eyes, lips trembling in fury. “I don’t need you here. I don’t need you to come in and feel sorry for me.”

“It’s not that.” Jeno sounds just as firm as the blonde to your side. But he doesn’t elaborate and you scoff in disbelief.

“If you’re here to rub in my face that you fucking told me so—”

“It’s not that either.”

“Then what is it, Jeno? Please explain to me, ‘cause I sure as hell don’t understand why you felt the need to come when I never called you.”

You’re surprised you don’t slur your words when speaking, tongue not weak yet from the alcohol. But the drunk you is speaking with a force that even sober you couldn’t muster. She’s fierce. And fearless. Walking the line between not grasping what she’s saying and knowing exactly the message that her words send.

Jeno looks at you with a hint of disappointment in his eyes. “I’m your friend, Y/N,” he says. “I’m supposed to be by your side through good times and through bad.”

Friend… He still considers you a friend.

Still? Only? Are you glad or are you disappointed? You don’t know but, regardless, the word triggers you. So does Jeno’s extended hand that he aims to place on your shoulder.

“Don’t touch me,” you tense up with a jolt, tears welling up in your eyes.

“Y/N, I—”

“Don’t fucking touch me!”

You sense it coming. The panic. Surrounding you from every side, squeezing the air out of your chest. It’s too fast. Too strong. Coming to steal your breath and the ground from beneath your feet. Its gripping fingers are already on your throat and you gasp rapidly, a hand pressed above your chest as your knees succumb to the overwhelmingly sudden pressure, bending and bringing your upper body closer to the basement floor.

The room around you is spinning. Condensing, then expanding, and all you can focus on are the points of Jeno’s shoes in front of your face as you try to fill your lungs with air in shallow breaths.

You can’t even ask for help. Nor do you want to. It’s embarrassing to be at your worst in front of the person who was supposed to see you doing well without him. But the lump in your throat is growing and the terror continues to fill every crevice inside your mind, pushing you closer and closer to the edge of absolute anguish. You dig your nails into your palms. Not now. You close your eyes, jaw trembling. Please, not now.

“It’s okay, Y/N. I’m here... It’s going to be okay.”

Too late. Jeno has always been able to read you like an open book—it was silly of you to think you could fool him.

The boy crouches to meet your eye level, his presence intimate, but not invading. “I know it’s scary,” he says. “But you are not in any danger, Y/N. You’re safe. And you’re not alone here. You’re going to be okay.”

Jeno speaks slowly, tone calm and reassuring; strong. His voice cuts through the noise in your mind, ringing loud and clear. And your heartbeat responds as it slows its pace, yet your eyes are still watering.

“Look at me, Y/N. I’m here. Look into my eyes. Focus on your breathing.”

It’s a miracle how you are able to follow his words, how you are drowning in a space so far from your physical body—a suffocating void—and yet Jeno is able to enter and drag you out with complete ease. Perhaps it's because he’s visited one time too many. Perhaps it’s because he’s been in the void with you, explored it, got used to it. Perhaps it’s because your darkness is familiar to him and not scary.

“Would it help if I took you outside?”

You cling onto the boy’s gentle smile as if it’s a hand extended to pull you out of the hole you have dug for yourself. As if it’s a well you are able to pull strength out of—the strength that you require to nod your head.

"Yes."

The word grazes harshly against your dry throat. But at least Jeno doesn't need to be told twice. He slides his arms behind your back and in the crook of your bent knees, picking you up princess-style. And although you barely find the energy to lift them, you wrap your arms around his neck for support. But it’s too much.

It’s all too much.

The whiff of Jeno’s cologne entering your nose as you push your face into his shoulder. And the concerned voices of your friends blending together in a heightened note of concern behind your back. The low and calm waves of sound when Jeno reassures them that he would take care of you. His arm muscles tensing, holding you closer to his chest… It’s all too much. So you drown out the world around you in the same efforts as you attempt to silence the voices raging in the back of your own mind.

It only works until the second that the fresh air of that warm summer night envelopes your bare skin and finds its way to the bottom of your lungs, expanding your chest without trouble. You come back to your senses immediately. Only, the panic, you realize, has retracted its crushing fingers from your throat, blocked by the shield that is Jeno’s presence in contact with your own.

You feel safe in the boy's arms, just like he told you. You feel comfortable, you feel at ease. But at the same time, there is hatred stirring in your stomach, the urge to scream, to curse, to punch whatever surface you could land your hands on.

You hate receiving help. You hate feeling this pathetic. And you hate that it’s always him that is the answer to your problems. You hate that you need Jeno as much as you need air. You hate your heart for beating steadier when he’s around, you hate your thoughts for being clouded with a haze of feelings and being as clear as a mountain lake at once when it’s Jeno that is at the forefront of your mind. But alas, what slips out past your lips is “I hate you.”

It’s a confession made by a wounded heart. And it’s a confession as fake as it is genuine. Confusing, even to you, yet it takes Jeno only a heartbeat to respond:

“I know.”

He never stops walking. With you still in his arms, the boy keeps making his way through Iris’ front yard to the sidewalk. Perhaps afraid you’re too weak to stand on your own, after everything. Or perhaps afraid you’d run away the second your feet would touch the ground. Jeno, himself, isn’t sure, but he is not ready to let you go. Not again. Never again.

“It was supposed to be you.”

Another quiet, tipsy confession of a bleeding heart that holds a broken soul. Another sniffle, another tear that rolls down your heated cheeks. And another “I know.”

“Why didn’t you stop me?”

Jeno stops in his tracks.

“I tried.”

The boy takes a sharper breath—you feel the way his chest swells painfully against yours, and how slowly it tightens. And you bury your face deeper into the crook of his neck, arms pushing down on his shoulder line.

“You should’ve tried harder.”

Jeno sighs, his gaze leaving the side of your face and drifting into the darkness of the night, following the streetlights to the horizon. “I know,” he whispers in a moment, the sound barely audible. But even so, it wouldn't have mattered even if he spoke louder, because you’re already asleep, head comfortably laid on the boy’s shoulder.

When you wake up, you are in the back of Jeno’s car parked outside your house. There is a blanket draped over your lower body, and your sneakers are neatly placed on the mat. The boy is dozing off in the driver’s seat, but he picks up his head as soon as you sit up and lift your hands to your temples—the aftermath of your drinking couldn’t even wait until morning. Or maybe the headache is the result of your tears… The only thing that matters is that your head is splitting to the point that you can’t hide a frown when your eyes meet Jeno’s in the rearview mirror.

“How are you?” Jeno immediately asks, voice hoarse and drowsy.

“Better.” You can’t help but lie, afraid to perpetuate the boy’s concern.

The sky has gotten lighter since you’ve last seen it, so you assume that the sun is rising and that it will be morning soon. You are unsure about how long you and Jeno have been sleeping in the car, or how he got you inside of it in the first place, but you don’t have the time nor the mental capacity to be asking questions. In silence, you pick up your shoes and slide them on your feet, before swinging the doors open.

“Thank you,” you say, stepping out and casting one last glance at the boy who makes both your heart and your mind tangled. “For taking me home. And... For being there.”

Jeno blinks slowly and stretches his lips into a frown-like smile; the one that you have never been able to read.

“Always,” he says, and with an equally unreadable expression, you finally shut the doors of his car.

Symbolic, considering you’re trying to shut the doors to your heart likewise. But you don't get far by attempting to escape by doing either, because you hear your name getting called out, and both your heart and your feet taking you home miss a beat.

It’s been weeks, and you still can’t ignore the pull you have towards the boy—the grip he has on your heartstrings is clearly still there. You are unable to resist the urge to search for his eyes whenever you can. You are unable to ignore his voice, unable to keep going, to not turn around. It would be so much easier if you could… But Jeno is there, outside of the car now, marching in quick steps towards you and calling out your name in a tone full of desperate rush; your body responds instinctively as you turn to face him, twisting on your heel.

“I’m really sorry, you know?” Jeno speaks as if asking for forgiveness, but he should know better than to think that you were ever mad at him. “I’ve never told you this, but I really am sorry.”

You believe you are the one who has more to feel sorry for. You are the one with more regrets, you should be. You are the one who has made more mistakes, and yet here is Jeno, apologizing after having done nothing but his best, after being a good friend even when you definitely didn’t deserve it… But you’re too exhausted to argue, so you simply ask:

“For what?”

“Everything.” Jeno places the word in the space between you gently, sighing as if it’s a burden he’s finally been able to lift after carrying the weight for years. “I’m sorry I can’t be who you wish I was.”

Which means that he knows; maybe always has known about your feelings. It stings you more realizing how foolish of you it was to blame Jeno for never giving romance between you and him a chance when the boy was simply guarding you against the heartache you would have inevitably experienced. The heartache you have been left with anyways, courtesy of Jaemin, but you find a new appreciation in that for the fact that Jeno has always been right.

“It’s not your fault,” with a peaceful smile, you tell him. But Jeno immediately shakes his head.

“No,” he objects. “It is. There’s something I need to tell you, Y/N. I tried so many I times and I always got scare—”

You cut Jeno off by pressing a finger to his lips.

“Don’t,” you say. “I’m sick and tired of boys apologizing and then giving me false hope, Jeno. I can’t… I can’t do this whole thing again. My heart is too fragile to hear what you have to say.”

Has Jeno changed his mind? Has he decided to turn a blind eye to his destiny? For you? Does he not see how you’re now living proof that playing with what the universe never gave you, for asking more than what was meant for you in the end leads to nothing but pain? Does he not see the shards of your broken heart that are still stinging your tear ducts?

Clearly not. Or, actually, maybe he does. Because when you pull your hand back to your side, Jeno nods understandingly.

“I get it,” he tells you. “If you’re not ready, I’ll keep things as they are. I just… I’ll keep being your friend. Is that okay?”

Of course, it’s okay. It’s more than okay. But the spurts of joy inside your chest get diminished by thoughts just as heavy as the rain shower that in a moment starts pouring over both of your heads.

The determination Jeno holds to rebuild your old friendship is a tad bit overwhelming.

Perhaps it’s because you spent weeks getting used to the lack of his presence in your life and now he’s suddenly everywhere again, not giving you a moment to be and feel alone. Perhaps it’s because Jeno truly acts like nothing has happened, like nothing in between you has changed while you keep replaying conversations in your mind over and over again, scrutinizing the memories of obscure expressions you have seen on the boy’s face and comparing them to the smile of ease and content that he wears every time you see him now. Perhaps it’s because the shift is too jarring, or perhaps you’re simply on the edge, feeling stifled by the approaching finals.

Perhaps, it’s a mix of everything. Because the exams pass, and you graduate. And the friendship with Jeno starts feeling more and more natural again. So natural, in fact, that he is the first one you call without hesitation when your acceptance letter from New York arrives. And to your astonishment, the excitement in your voice gets mirrored.

“Wait,” you giggle into your phone, “You never even told me you applied there!”

In response, Jeno mumbles something about you never being able to get rid of him again. But you don’t get to press him on the matter much further because the boy suggests meeting later in the evening for drinks—to celebrate—and immediately cuts the call, leaving you to wonder about the future on your own and with a strange grin plastered on your lips.

The bar Jeno chooses is the same you sat in the evening Jaemin first approached you. And you can only assume he has done so on purpose, bringing you back in a full circle, back to himself after a journey of exploration and heartbreak—back where you can feel like you belong. You’re surprised to find him sitting there alone, however. You thought he invited everyone, but that does not seem to be the case when your eyes scan the place only to land on the black-haired boy in a booth far too small to fit your whole group.

Nevertheless, you feel the need to introduce your arrival by asking, as you slide into the seat opposite your friend, “Am I early?”

Jeno picks his head up from his phone, fingers hovering above the screen, stopped in the middle of a sentence he’s typing. The device casts colored light on his face, adding a certain playfulness to the way his eyes tighten into two half-moons upon seeing you.

“If you’re asking if the others are coming, then no,” the boy responds, a curvature of a satisfied smile framing his teeth.

“Why?”

“I think they’re all celebrating in pairs. Does it matter?”

Yes. Yes, it does. It matters to you that you are spending the evening, perhaps even the whole night, with Jeno alone. Because he might not have registered the fact, but it is the first time that you are spending time together, only the two of you, after your reconciliation. And that fact scares you.

It terrifies you, truthfully—the possibility of the awkwardness that you have fallen victim to once already still being there, the possibility of the night letting it get exposed. A nervous gulp travels down your throat as you sink deeper into the cushions, and yet you shake your head as if you are not bothered by the situation at all.

“I’m fine with it if you are.”

You attempt to sound convincing, but your hand that tugs at the scoop neckline of your light summer dress—as if you’re finding it hard to breathe—must have given you away, because Jeno gives you a wary look.

“Why wouldn’t I be?” he squints, smirking. “We used to hang out like this all the time.”

You could point out the past tense he uses that makes a clear enough statement in itself. But you choose to drop the potential confrontation in favor of ordering a drink; you sure need it before anything else.

Meanwhile, Jeno goes on to finally tell you what he’s been keeping a secret for months. How he applied to the same college as you did, and how excited he is to not have to say goodbye for at least three more years. Different programs await you after the summer break, but the same faculty, the same social circles, perhaps even the same dorms—far from home the two of you will be, but carrying the sense of home in each other.

And to Jeno that’s thrilling. A reason big enough to clink glasses in celebration of, and a reason big enough to put a frown on his face when the smile you give him is timid, not one that meets his expectations.

“I thought you’d like the idea of us moving to New York together,” the boy scrunches his nose, concern pulling down the corners of his lips.

You immediately feel the pressure to deny, “I do.” Jeno’s gaze keeps drilling right through you and you fail to hold yourself against it, lowering your eyes. “I’m just nervous, that’s all,” you mumble grimly.

The boy blinks a couple of times in confusion. “Nervous?” He aims to clarify. “About what? Having me around?”

Again, you jump to erase Jeno’s worry with an abrupt “No”, before taking a sharper inhale, contemplating how much of your inner worries you are ready to share. Finally, you say, “School there. People. Life in general.”

“You mean how you’ll have to deal with the soulmate thing from scratch again?

You nod reluctantly at the assumption that feels offensively accurate. But the booze you keep throwing down your throat is finally kicking in and the hesitation you have about telling Jeno the things that have been weighing you down is slowly fading away as a result. And when you catch the boy looking at you expectantly, you can only sigh and let yourself unravel.

“It’s just that—” You search for a way to string the abstract worries floating in the back of your mind in a way that wouldn’t leave room for misunderstanding. “I haven’t had to explain this,” you cast a glance at your wrist, and Jeno does, too, “—myself, in so many years now… I’ll soon be meeting so many new people and I’m just,” you take a small pause, “not sure if I will be able to explain in a way that won’t put others off. I feel so ready for a new start, new connections, new friendships… And at the same time, I fear that it is not what I will find, you know? I don’t think I’m ready to face only pity stares and empty reassurances again, Jeno. Or worse! I don’t want to become an outcast like I once was.”

“Did you feel like an outcast here?”

“Before you arrived, yes. I had no one. I was no one. And now I have you. I have the girls. I have my own little world here where I’m welcomed, my little bubble of comfort and safety. But New York… New York won’t be the same. Everything will be bigger, everything will be different, and—” you break into a tirade of mumbles until at some point Jeno physically slaps your mouth shut with his fingers.

“Y/N, you freaking out is freaking me out,” he laughs with a slightly nervous undertone.

“I know, sorry,” you sigh deeply. “I told you I was nervous. But, honestly, I’m fucking terrified, Jeno. I’m terrified that I won’t be able to find my place there. New York. The world. I'm afraid that I won’t ever get to feel like I belong—”

“But you’ll have me.”

“Yes.” You exhale sharply. “I’ll have you.”

And that’s the problem. You’ll have Jeno. You’ll have a safety net that you know you are too fast to rely on and to get used to. But a day will come when you'll trip, hoping to fall into a pair of arms ready to catch you, but they won’t be there and you will be left to catch yourself, not knowing how to. A day when Jeno will inevitably leave, and the more you prolong the time you have until then, the harder it will be to adapt to the change.

You are not even sure why the boy is so set on promising you another three years so assuredly. There is no guarantee that his soulmate won’t come and find him much, much sooner than that, like what happened with Jaemin. There is no guarantee that the promise Jeno keeps silently pushing you to accept won’t turn out to be extremely short-lived. Unless… Unless Jeno knows who his soulmate is and what she’s doing, and precisely when the two of them will meet.

Three more years… Exactly the time you’ve spent together so far. Exactly the time it took for your heart to get broken and healed once. Could you do it all over again? The possibility is tempting, after all, as much as it is scary. And it’s not like you are faced with alternatives either—Jeno is coming to New York with you, that part of the future is already set.

Your gaze slowly travels down to your hands holding a nearly empty glass, your fifth one, and you turn your wrists against the soft lights of the bar, fixated on the empty spot. Maybe you do have alternatives.

“Should I just get one, too?” Tearing through the drowsiness of intoxication, you leisurely motion at Jeno’s arms, indicating the tattoo. “Then nobody would know.”

“Or,” the boy perks up with an interest you didn’t quite expect. “I’ll do you one better,” he suggests, “Maybe you should instead tattoo a name?”

Your face twists into a grimace. “And what name would that be, you silly goose?” You giggle into your hand. “It’s not like I can put something generic. Or something extremely rare… I don’t want to deal with rejection and sympathy stares daily, nu-uh.”

“Then put mine.”

Jeno’s words, or maybe it’s the nonchalant tone he uses, land a figurative punch into your chest. But you do your best not to show it.

“And have to explain to everyone I meet that we’re just friends but not soulmates? No, thank you,” you roll your eyes and finish up your drink.

“We could pretend that we are.”

Another sentence that you receive as if it's a hard slap against your cheek, skin burning hot in all places where it shouldn’t.

“What?” you cock a brow, hoping you’re wrong. “Soulmates?”

When Jeno nods, it’s like he’s sticking a hand into your stomach, grabbing your intestines, and churning them. “Mhm,” he hums in confirmation, and you all but choke on your own tongue, giving the boy a chance to elaborate on his idea without any dismissive interruptions.

“Only while we’re in college,” Jeno goes on to assure you; as if that changes things. “Then we’ll probably go our separate ways, and you can always lie at that point that your soulmate died some tragic death…”

You hate to admit it, but the boy does have a point. And there’s also that earnestness in his expression that you so love about Jeno. The type of sincerity that you are unable to say ‘no’ to. So, instead, you find yourself muttering, “Okay.”

“Okay?!”

“It was your idea, don’t act surprised now!”

“I simply never thought you’d be so easy to convince.”

“Are you saying you’ve thought about this before?”

Jeno avoids your eyes. “Maybe.”

“Maybe?!”

You are sure there are people in the bar who are staring at your little quarrel, ears hooked on your raised voice. But you don't care—eyes sparkling from far more than just the alcohol, and lips stretched into a surprised grin.

“Jeno,” you call out his name softly, leaning your chest into the table, face closer to his. “Thank you.”

The boy’s forehead creases. “For what?” he apprehensively asks, and you light your face up with a smile sweet as honey, glowing with appreciation.

“For being,” you say, “quite literally, the closest thing to a soulmate I’ll ever have.”

You completely misread the red that colors Jeno’s ears and cheeks as his response, failing to notice—rather absurdly—that he’s yet to finish his first drink.

A few days later, you find yourself inside an underground tattoo shop in the closest big city outside your hometown. It’s a small, dimly lit place located in one of the most run-down districts, but Jeno convinces you that the artist is good. Or maybe he means good at keeping secrets. Because, when you ask the young, scrawny man who’s covered in ink almost from (his shaved) head to toes whether or not he was the one who put the artwork on Jeno’s skin, he only gives you a strange, unreadable stare.

You have a suspicion that you are right though, regardless of the fact that you never find (the courage) the right timing to ask Jeno himself. The boy is too busy showing you all the designs he likes, picking them out from the incredible amount of papers plastered on the shop’s walls and asking for your opinion; he’s getting something done, too.

In the end, you help Jeno pick a stylized peony flower (a dainty, single-line drawing that is both reminiscent of what he already has and completely different) that the boy can put right below the nape of his neck. It's an odd placement, perhaps, but you are worried that having something that ties Jeno with you on a spot that’s more visible would not be a detail his soulmate would appreciate much. Or even Jeno himself in a few years, for that matter. So having him put that flower where barely anyone will be able to notice at least gives you hope the boy will not be rushing to get the tattoo removed.

As for yourself, you let Jeno decide on the font. The word and the placement are set, after all. And it feels nice to have the boy put a touch of himself into something so special to you. Even more so, once Jeno shuts the folder of options that he’s got laid on his knees, turning to you with a suggestion in between his furrowed brows.

“None of these are right,” the boy says, then proceeds to suck on the inside of his cheek briefly, before pulling his eyes into a tight squint. “How about I just write it on your wrist myself?”

The sense of a sinking heart inside your chest suggests that the idea is too personal, too intimate. But you gulp down the objection that’s prodding the tip of your tongue. You swallow the urge to ask Jeno if he is sure he wants to do this. Instead, you stick out your wrist.

“Go ahead.”

It tickles when Jeno drags a marker over your skin, spelling the four-letter name in one smooth line. His other hand holds your arm still, and you find yourself tensing against his fingers digging into your flesh. The boy is too focused on doing a good job to notice though; his lower lip pulled in between his teeth and forehead adorned with creases of concentration—as if you are one of his most valuable art pieces that Jeno is afraid to ruin in an accidental slip of fingers.

“There,” he says finally, once he’s satisfied with how his name looks on you, the thickness of the line, the roundness of the edges, the way the letters mold perfectly to your wrist no matter the angle as you turn or bend it. “Nearly perfect.”

“Nearly?”

Jeno, in response, only smiles at you sheepishly. And you feel as though he's holding something back, but at the same time the detail is so small, you’d feel strange if you pressed him more on it. So your lips remain sealed, and you instead focus on getting ready to make Jeno’s soulmate mark permanent on your skin.

You’ve contemplated whether you’re making the right choice a million times over by now. The you that’s apprehensive and terrified that the tattoo will be a memory too painful to appreciate one day fighting you that is ready to treasure it until her last dying moment. And despite reaching a determined answer time and time again, you are still nervous, and you still go back to doubting your own self.

Whether you’ll be able to look at the mark and not get teary-eyed, crushed by the weight of your wish that it wasn’t fake. Whether you’ll be able to trace the name on your wrist with your fingertips and smile fondly when the boy’s face will inevitably emerge from the depths of your mind. Whether you’ll be able to lie, without it breaking you, to all the people that you will meet in your future…

You don’t have the confidence to tell yourself that you will. But you do have the confidence to tell that to Jeno, the confidence that lets you trust his eager and encouraging smile when the boy assures you that everything will work out okay. It is easier to trust him than to doubt the logic behind your best friend’s idea. Just like it’s easier for you to come to terms with what you’re doing after you see Jeno get his tattoo first.

By the time you sit down into the chair and position your arm the way the artist wants it, you even get to feel a wave of positive certainty wash over your thoughts. It hits you out of nowhere, but the tranquility that settles inside your chest stays with you the whole time that the name is gradually injected with black liquid. You don’t even feel any pain. And you’re no longer questioning if what you’re doing is right. Because, strangely, it feels right.

And as the tattoo artist lifts the pen, having put the last drop of ink into your skin, the name on the inside of your wrist glows for a split second, sending jolts of warm energy up your arm, shooting arrows straight into your heart. You look up at Jeno with a question in your eyes instantly; mouth agape and eyes expectant to see the answer whether he saw the inexplicable glint, too. But the boy isn’t looking at your face. Or at your wrist, for that matter. Instead, he is staring at the inside of his own arm, pupils just a little widened due to a very similar glow that just traced his soulmate’s name, heating up his veins in a way that Jeno has never felt before. But it’s gone as suddenly as it appeared, and you have failed to notice it.

When you leave the tattoo shop, you can’t bring yourself to smile, still perturbed by what you just experienced. And, of course, leave it to Jeno to immediately notice.

“Is everything okay?” the boy asks with caution as you are heading back to his car. “You’re awfully quiet, so I’m starting to think that maybe you’re already regretting this.”

“What? No.” Afraid that explaining what’s bothering your mind would put you at risk of sounding deranged, you choose to simply deny and divert the topic. “I’m sorry. No… I just… I realized something.”

Jeno frowns with evident suspicion, and you are quick to offer him a justified point:

“You still haven’t told me your soulmate’s name.”

The statement forces the boy’s feet to an abrupt stop. “You're right,” he notes. “I never did.”

“So? Will you tell me now?”

“Better.” Jeno turns to face you, and you can’t help but notice how the tips of his fingers are trembling, and how shallow are the breaths that he takes. “Or worse,” he speculates. “I’m not sure. But I’ll show you.”

Your whole face tightens, forming a strained expression of confusion. Meanwhile, Jeno doesn’t waste time overthinking and rubs at the inside of his wrist in a rather harsh manner. And the tattoo that you’ve seen him wear every day for three consecutive years smears, moving and melting right in front of your dilated orbs that flash in disbelief.

It was a fake one, all this time. Just ink of a calligraphy pen; a work of art that the boy would put on his own body every other morning. And underneath the rubbed-off paint, it is your name that is traced on Jeno’s skin.

You gasp audibly at the exposed word. "All this time…"

Jeno nods, confirming, "All this time."

“But how?”

“I don’t know…”

The boy takes your hands in his own, palms sweaty and his whole being radiating despair. He’s holding onto you the same way that he’s holding onto his last strand of hope. Grasping, clutching, squeezing your skin and pulling you closer by your forearms, your elbows, your shoulders…

“But we’ve fixed it, haven’t we?” Jeno’s lip quivers. “You felt it too. Please tell me you felt—that you feel—it too.“

“I…” You’re lost for words. “Jeno—”

“Y/N.”

Your name has never sounded more intimate on someone’s lips; more like it fits there, hanging off the tip of Jeno’s tongue, more like it’s colored in all the right hues. And the ring of it is so compelling that it drives you to lift your heels and stand on your tippy-toes, to cup Jeno's cheeks and close the gap, pressing a kiss to his lips.

You’ve been kissed before. You and Jaemin kissed plenty! But you’ve never been kissed like this. It is no feverish aim to fill up your emptiness, nor is it a chaste, affirming peck. No. It's lighting, and it's sunshine, and it's rainbows all at once. It's natural. Instinctive. Intense, but not the type to wipe your mind blank. It's one puzzle piece connecting with another in the perfect fit. Breaths exchanged and tongues dancing effortlessly. Effortless... Yes, that's what the kiss is.

You are only able to pull away once the overwhelming joy gets you dizzy. And immediately, your face drops, as do your heels, as you struggle not to pull away in a brief moment of self-consciousness.

"I take it that my hunch was right," Jeno chuckles with a happy ring of confidence.

He tilts your chin back up with two fingers, and with a fluttering heart, you allow yourself to meet his gaze.

“Kiss me again,” the boy then whispers, words carried by a breath that gently caresses your lips. “Kiss me until it’s enough to make up for all the time we’ve lost.”

<< part II

<< part I

[leejenos-archive]

210704 Hello Future 

[jaemtens]

‘hello future’ jacket behind :: jeno

[jjsungie]

White lilacs -> purity and innocence

[lee-minhoe]

jaemin // kpdb ep. 120

[baconnotbaekhyun]

JAEHYUN ⟣ {070721} NCT 127 ONLINE FANMEETING

[potatzu]

dream concert backstage

[nayeoon]

taeyong | online fanmeeting ‘office : foundation day’. 

[jaespicy]

# JENO & DONGHAE Bubble Update 💭