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[wtfevolution]

"Happy new year, evolution! Do you have any resolutions?"

"Yeah. I decided that everything I make is going to look completely normal from now on."

"Wow, really? You mean like this northern fulmar bird here? He seems lovely.”

"Yeah. Hey, just don’t get within like ten feet of that guy, okay, or he might projectile vomit neon orange half-digested fish oil in your face.”

"Never change."

[weedpoop]

dude if you think about it we’re already astronauts. earth is in space. we’re in space. dude

[spurious-steve]

Hispanics and republicans go together like beans and very, very white rice that is suspicious of the beans.

Stephen Colbert

[zombiejeph]

Funny

Jesus has a sense of humor he created furries after all.

[spurious-steve]

I would like to believe he told knock knock jokes all throughout his crucifixion...

[spurious-steve]

Truth

Never trust a man in a wheelchair with dirty shoes.

[spurious-steve]

Our knowledge has made us cynical; our cleverness, hard and unkind. We think too much and feel too little. More than machinery, we need humanity. More than cleverness, we need kindness and gentleness. Without these qualities, life would be lost.

Charlie Chaplin

[spurious-steve]

*two hours after watching a scary movie* "Dude walk me to the bathroom"

[spurious-steve]

If we create a time machine in the future

Why hasn't anyone traveled back to tell us its possible?

[spurious-steve]

Great things don't always mix

Take bacon, mayonnaise and sex for example.

[spurious-steve]

There’s nothing to worry about nothing at all.

[spurious-steve]

Business thought of the day

If I sold milk, it would come packaged with Oreos.

[nbcsnl]

Why don’t you sit on Santa’s lap and ask for a pair of balls?

Steve Carell to One Direction in Paul Rudd’s SNL Monologue (via nbcsnl)

How I became a man actually

[spurious-steve]

We need to get a tumbler

Jeph