I don't know what to do. I do really like him but something's not right. When i'm not with him and the moment we have to part ways and go home I feel upset and don't want to leave. But as soon as i'm with him for a while it just becomes normal. I guess that's a good thing tho bcos it doesn't always have to be lovey-dovey or whatever.
But today I just got so stressed. He wanted me to check his english and help confirm if what he done was right, labelling what in the sentence what the subject, object, verb etc etc but as a native I just know. Some words or phrases I don't know why they're like that but I just know. Then he was saying how if he were to explain grammar in korean he would be able to. It just stressed me out how much I don't even know in english let alone anything else. I just felt so dumb. and doesn't help that he's aggressive slightly when he's trying to figure out something. Like when I was trying to explain something and he slowly started to get it he started to speak over me and said "아 오케이! 조용해!" which I thought was a bit rude. He also said some other stuff and whatever but meh.
Another thing is that my friends don't like him. And I know it shouldn't matter and it doesn't. But recently it's just been upsetting me and I realised today it's just bcos I want to make both of them happy. I want to spend time with both of them. All week i've seen him and haven't met anyone else. And I honestly don't mind. I love seeing him everyday bcos I miss him everyday. And he said to me today that Korean guys, when they have a girlfriend they meet them everyday and make sacrifices to meet them. Before I asked him doesn't he meet his friends? and he said no bcos i'd rather see you so I make time for you. Just a lot of the sacrifices and decisions he makes for me I feel bad for and I just feel like I don't deserve it. He's too kind to me. More than I deserve in my opinion. Am I really worth it? Am I really that special enough for you to dedicate so much time, effort and money? It's just stressful bcos I seriously don't think I deserve it. ANy good thing that happens to me, I always just think I don't deserve it. But also, when nothing happens, I always question myself asking am I not good enough.
I don't know what I want. I'm stupid and can never get it right, make decisions or know what's best for me.
I'm just so confused with life.
And I feel like I worry so much it's pushing him away.
I tell him that i'm worried he'd leave me and scared eveything he's doing is a lie and he would get annoyed for some reason. He would just get annoyed whenever I actually express why i'm worried then he would always just ask why.
I don't know. I'm confused. DOn't know what I want. Self-esteem is at it's lowest again. Feel like shit
ALso Koreann. Fuck. I just don't think it will ever click. I'm getting frustrated that I still can't speak well enough to express myself. It's really frustrating. Like whn i'm with him i'm always so reluctant to speak Korean bcos i'm scared of getting it wrong ro sounding stupid even tho he speaks to me in english and his sentence structure is fucked up. I think there's just a level of confidence he has in imself that I don't which allows himself to just say whatever. I don't know what to do...
I like him. I really do. but I just-
ugh I don't know. I really don't.
