Stages of a Breakup

[stagesofabreakup]

Stages of a Breakup: Week 52

Stages of a Breakup: Week 52

1. Eat pancakes with syrup for breakfast

2. Go to work

3. Have a shitty day

4. You’re floating which means you don’t get any groups aka tips

5. Also you have to fix a board by yourself and no one helps you

6. Stay 44 minutes after closing

7. Feel accomplished

8. Some people did help you

9. That was nice

10. Want to ask your managers if they are going out for a drink but feel weird and don’t

11. Go home

12. Stay up until 6:00am watching Ryan Gosling psychological thrillers (Murder By Numbers and Fracture)

13. Turn it off because you need to masturbate and you can’t do it to a double suicide pact

14. The sun is up

15. Sleep for what feels like minutes

16. Iris is here!!!

17. Hang

18. Walk to your new apartment to get the keys

19. Need to poop the WHOLE walk

20. Find the roommate you kind of had a mini crush on with a GIRL

21. Hang in your room with your friend Iris

22. It’s so tiny and not at all the width he described

23. It doesn’t’ matter you’re very excited

24. Watch Planet Earth for a min

25. Get bagels

26. Head towards your friend Cristiana’s apartment for dinner

27. Stop in 3 thrift stores except you are in Brooklyn so they are “vintage stores”

28. See some good art

29. Follow some people on Instagram

30. Get to Cristiana’s

31. Her mom is there

32. You haven’t seen her since you were 14

33. She’s more excited to see Iris

34. The whole evening feels like a lot

35. Still fun

36. Overeat pasta

37. Overdrink vodka

38. Iris pays for a Lyft home

39. You can’t tell if the Lyft driver is being rude

40. Home

41. Try to write this

42. Sleep is tantamount

43. Keep waking up in the middle of the night thinking you overslept

44. Iris leaves

45. Pack things

46. Take things down

47. The taskrabbit goes to the wrong location first

48. You feel a tiredness behind your eyelids that almost feels like a second consciousness

49. He comes!

50. You move everything!

51. Make a detour where he spends 89 dollars on bandanas of the flags of different countries

52. Unpack

53. Hang out

54. Eat a bagel

55. Buy some things from the dollar store

56. Take the train back to meet your friend Ariel and get the rest of your stuff

57. Eat

58. Go

59. Unpack

60. Drink 3 celebratory beers

61. Ariel leaves

62. Everyone hangs out

63. Smoke lots of weed

64. Have a little apprehension about taking a shower/using the bathroom in front of everyone

65. Bite the bullet

66. It’s not that bad

67. Night night

68. Get up

69. Go to new gym!!!!!!!

70. It’s different

71. Work out for 1.5 hours while watching episodes of Khloe Kardashian’s Revenge Body

72. Which you thought by concept alone would be fucking awful

73. But seems to take people who don’t believe in themselves and teach them jujitsu which is sick

74. People definitely say “Fix my body” which is gross, but overall you were ok with it shockingly

75. Home

76. Shower

77. Start cleaning the cabinets in the kitchen which is…a feat

78. Slowly go in a circle and clean the entire front room(s)

79. Your roommates get psyched about the apartment being clean and doing stuff so they start hanging art

80. Together you guys hang almost an entire wall of vintage records

81. And a mount your ledge and put a train sign on it (automated ticker that tells you how far away the trains are)

82. Stay up til really late cleaning the entire rest of the apartment

83. Come down to your room

84. Realize you still have to do your own shit

85. Start unpacking

86. Your roommate comes in and 1. Shows you that your TV can hook up to an HDMI cable 2. Many episodes of Stone Cold Steve Austin’s show Skull Crusher

87. Which is very good

88. He also goes to the deli and gets you guys bagels with cream cheese

89. You guys are laying on your bed watching

90. It’s like 7:00am

91. You want him to sleep in your bed but it’s not gonna happen

92. Go to sleep

93. It’s cold

94. Go to the gym

95. Go to work

96. Make a paultry amount of tips

97. Be annoyed and in a bad mood about it

98. Have a proposal on your range

99. They don’t tip

100. But you believe in their love and are happy for them

101. Stay up til 6:00am playing cards with your roommate

102. Have a crushhhhhhh

103. Sleep for 2 hours

104. He wakes you up to go to work

105. Work

106. Loose your voice which is terrible

107. Eat a lot of free BBQ

108. Change boards quickly almost by yourself

109. Feel good

110. Home

111. Your crush roommate has a date

112. Feel bad feelings

113. They go out

114. Hang out with your other roommate

115. Smoke weed and watch a movie and he tells you a lot about his family, some of which is really dark

116. Your other roommate comes back with his date

117. They are canoodiling and you want human touch

118. Think about him having sex

119. Stay up late

120. Set an alarm

121. It doesn’t go off

122. Apple phones are such fucking pieces of shit

123. Wake up 12 minutes before you need to leave

124. Leave in that amount of time

125. You look like shit tho

126. Run into your roommate on the way out/hear him and the girl he hooked up with laughing and talking

127. This gives you a lot of feelings that you have to process but you wish you didn’t

128. Get to work

129. See the perfect kitchen island on the way that you have no time or ability to transport

130. Find out you were supposed to be a floater

131. That enrages you

132. Do your groups

133. The last one doesn’t tip at all

134. Do trick shots

135. Pull some weird muscle in your side belly

136. Eat one chicken wing and a not fully popped bag of popcorn

137. Talk to Gabe about your roommate crush

138. He agrees you know everything and it’s a bad idea

139. But feelings

140. Home

141. Lethal Weapon

142. Pizza

143. Vegetables

144. Mute

145. The Dick Van Dyke Show

146. Bed

147. It’s 6:00am

148. This is the last day of the project

149. You don’t know what to write

150. It feels like it should be meaningful and poetic and conclusive in some way

151. But you’re still just living your life and it’s happening at normal speed

152. You do feel better

153. Because on this last day

154. You’re writing from your apartment in a new city

155. That you moved to by yourself

156. While you have a job you love

157. And cool new roommates

158. And shows lined up

159. And you’re doing it

160. And you’re happy

161. And this is your life

162. And that relationship was a part of it. It used to be a bigger part of it but now it’s a littler part of it

163. But your life is still full and big

164. And you’re proud of yourself

165. And you hope people read this

166. And feel comforted in some way

167. Because writing it was comforting

168.

[stagesofabreakup]

Stages of a Breakup: Week 51

1. Set an alarm to get up and go to the gym

2. Get up

3. Do not go to the gym

4. Watch The Office instead

5. Decide you’ll go after you see the room you might rent

6. Go there

7. See the room

8. Meet their drug dealer who just got back from a trip to South America where he did Ayahuasca and got burned with frog venom

9. Smoke a lot of weed with your potential roommates

10. “Chill” for like 4 hours

11. Buy and eat half a whole chicken with plantains and sautéed vegetables from a restaurant nearby

12. Hang out more

13. Fall in love with the dog that lives there

14. Agree to live there even though it is very messy and has no windows because you like the people and it feels like college and New York is very isolating and you think this will be good for you overall

15. Go to a mic with one of the roommates and his girlfriend

16. You’re still very high

17. Your friend Molly is at the mic thank god

18. Talk to her

19. Be interrupted by other friends she has

20. One of them says the guy who moved out of the room you just agreed to take said it was very bad living there

21. But you don’t think it’ll bother you?

22. Worry a little

23. Go up

24. Do ok!

25. For how high you are this is a good miracle

26. Walk with Molly to a fancy grocery store, she buys a salad and ice cream, the essentials

27. Her boyfriend got an interview for a writing job!

28. Walk home with her

29. It’s rainy but nice

30. You take the train to a show one of your new roommates runs/booked you on that day because you were sitting on the couch

31. Get there very early

32. Also everyone else is late

33. Charge your phone

34. Introduce yourself to what you think is another comic but turns out to just be an audience member

35. The show is called “Permission to Fail” and you’re supposed to work on new material which you do but both your new roommates are watching and you wish you had just done the hits so they know you’re very funny

36. They have to know right?

37. It doesn’t seem to matter, they hang and talk to you afterwards

38. Look up where you’re going & you all take the train together

39. It’s fun and you like them

40. Pass by Mr. Mando’s, a grocery store/produce stand

41. Buy so much fresh fruits and vegetables and it’s only 7 dollars!!!

42. Also buy a 12 pack of Rolling Rock because you love beer and it was only 10 dollars

43. Carry it all on the train for like 40 more minutes

44. Get home

45. Cherish how clean this home is and how high the ceilings are

46. Wonder if you are making a horrible mistake

47. Wish you could call your mom and get her opinion

48. You’re also a little scared to get it but ultimately you gotta know

49. Clean out some DISGUSTING food from your refrigerator

50. Eat some good food

51. Look through a lot of your old Facebook posts

52. Have maybe a crush on one of your new roommates?

53. Think about what making out with him would be like

54. Want to masturbate because soon you’ll be losing this detachable showerhead

55. Do

56. Feel physically weak from cumming so hard

57. Sleeeeeeeeeeeep

58. Wake up

59. Masturbate again! You really don’t want to get this day started

60. Make a pros and cons list about the new apartment

61. Call your mom

62. Talk it over with her

63. She reminds you that you feel very comfortable around a lot of messy boys

64. Thrive even

65. Feel better

66. Put off going to the gym some more

67. Call your friend Rachel on the phone

68. She is great

69. It is Rihanna’s birthday!!!

70. Decide the gym isn’t happening for you today

71. Drink a beer

72. Eat some stuff

73. Get ready to cook all the fresh veggies you got yesterday

74. Instead make a list of your favorite comedians and a list of your least favorite comedians and publish them (just to Facebook, nothing fancy)

75. Watch lots and lots of The Office

76. Cry at Jim & Pam’s wedding

77. Make a big fun dish that’s so many things

78. Drink too much beer

79. Slow down

80. Request a day off from work to move

81. Wonder if you should do two?

82. Be excited about moving!!!!!!!

83. Have a really intense conversation with someone online about whether or not Amy Schumer raped someone

84. Try to think about packing since you have to do that in 7 days

85. Masturbate again

86. Be on the computer for H O U R S

87. Put on a dvd (Shooter)

88. Be shocked at how many people like David Letterman

89. Up

90. YOUR FRIEND JESSICA IS PREGNANT AND ENGAGED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

91. Omg

92. So exciting!

93. People are at an age where they are keeping their babies so that’s always shocking

94. Eat a bowl of whatever it was you made last night (mushrooms, red & yellow peppers, brocolli, corn, kielbasa, potatoes)

95. Facebook and text and Instagram for a long time

96. Like too long

97. These screens feel like a trap lately

98. Ughhhh agree to work 1.5 hours later than you were scheduled even though you really don’t want to you just need the $$

99. Request another day off for packing cause you’re stressed

100. You should text the guy to ask him to measure to see if the bed will fit but you’re scared

101. Your friend Gabe asks if you want to talk on the phone

102. You do!!!!!

103. It helps a lot

104. You text about the bed and book a TaskRabbit which is stressful because he only has a truck and you’re not sure everything will fit in there

105. He texts back with the measurements!!!! Your bed will fit!!!! Thank the lords

106. Feel anxious

107. Start packing, decide you won’t go to the gym

108. Go to work

109. Have a fun day

110. Make not that much in tips

111. Make up for it in free shrimp that a private party leaves behind

112. Go out for drinks with coworkers/managers

113. It’s so fun!

114. Spend like 25 dollars

115. Go to another bar

116. Get a little tipsy

117. Find out one of your managers is going to be your new neighbor!!!! Like on the same block neighbor!!!!

118. You can carpool home when you’re both working and it won’t be that bad!!

119. Get driven home

120. Too drunk

121. Fall asleep without drinking any water

122. Remember to put the shrimp in the refrigerator though

123. Wake up feeling bad and with a surprisingly deep cut on your finger

124. You have a message from the guy who’s room you’re taking about a deposit

125. This is stressful, no one has mentioned this to you yet

126. Decide to ignore it? Message him back you’ll talk to the roommates

127. Ugh

128. You’re supposed to hang out with your friend Gaby today but you feel like shit and need to pack

129. See a piece in GQ about Brendan Fraser and really want to send it to your ex bc he loved him and talked about him a lot (lol) but practice restraint and don’t

130. You need to start packing!

131. Eat some shrimp

132. Talk to your friend Molly on the phone for an hour

133. Go through some clothes

134. Decide to get rid of a bunch

135. A woman posts in a secret group you’re in about a breakup and a million other women immediately start commenting & it makes you excited for the response to this project, and also proud at how far you’ve come because you realized you’re not in the thick of it anymore like she is

136. But you still need some stuff and this thread is great

137. Women are so great

138. Watch a video of Tiffany Haddish meeting Oprah

139. It’s….great

140. You really need to do laundry

141. It’s 5:53pm

142. Frame a piece of Beyonce wrapping paper you’ve had sitting next to the unopened frame for 3 months

143. You do your laundry at 8:30pm!!!!

144. It only took you the whole day ☺

145. Call your dad’s landline (which he referred to as an “LL”)

146. Get your grandma & him

147. Chat

148. Feel happy that you did at least one productive thing today

149. Bake a cake!

150. Put away the laundry while it’s baking

151. Eat 2 pieces of cake

152. Stay up way too fucking long

153. Wake up way too fucking early

154. Feel an emptiness where rest would be deep in your bones

155. Take the train for an hour

156. Babysit for 10 hours

157. Almost fall asleep 3 times

158. Get 2 free meals out of it

159. Travel another hour to Redhook to see your friend Iris and her brother Max who lives here but you haven’t seen since you moved and meet his baby!!!

160. The baby doesn’t really like you

161. Get ice cream and beer

162. Hang!!!

163. It’s so nice

164. See a video of their house you spent so much time in/grew up in now that it’s all renovated

165. Iris drives you home which is a blessing

166. Shower

167. MASTURBATE

168. Wash your hair

169. All things that needed to happen

170. Your friend Ariel offered to drive some stuff to your new house

171. You texted those boys about when to get a key and the security deposit, they haven’t responded yet which makes you nervous

172. Iris is going to stay with you the night before you move

173. Put on makeup

174. Go to work

175. Get a huge group of girls who unintentionally all wore white and only tip 3 dollars

176. Go shopping on your break

177. GET NEW SHOES FINALLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

178. Also get 2 pairs of black jeans, an item of clothing you’ve always wanted but never found that fits you!!!!

179. You have a 20$ off coupon for the shoes so they are 40 instead of 60 and the jeans were half off so they are each 25 instead of 50!

180. Call your mom and tell her how happy you are

181. Have a conversation with your co-worker about how he and his girlfriend broke up this week

182. You can’t tell if he’s hitting on you or not

183. Your cousin comes in on a date!!!!!!!!

184. You haven’t seen him since you moved out of your Grandma’s apartment

185. It’s really good to see him and you do love him

186. Make 153 dollars in tips

187. Go home

188. Eat pasta, a crabcake and real cake in that order

189. Agonize over whether or not you should switch shifts with someone for tomorrow

190. One is more money but longer and you’re so tired and you need to pack

191. But moneyyy

192. You stay up until 5:00am

193. Go to your normal shift

194. Stop at a .99 cent store on the way, buy 12 tubes of glitter glue, 5 small notebooks for gifts and a magenta shade of mirror nail polish

195. You make almost no money

196. Retape a bunch of axes

197. But have fun hanging out with people

198. And listening to a Kanye Pandora station

199. That during a Drake song someone comes in and says, “I didn’t know you were so gangster”

200. …………………………………because you’re listening to a Drake song

201. Good lord

202. Leave

203. Think about waiting for one of your co-workers to walk with him but you don’t want it to look like you’re waiting because the last time you saw him you all got beers and he’s being a little distant since then so maybe you were flirty and he didn’t like it???

204. This all might just be in your head

205. But you don’t wanna risk rejection on any level

206. Go home

207. Plan on packing

208. Write a Facebook post about Mardi Gras things

209. Paint your nails with the new nail polish and try the nail gems you got for Mardi Gras and never ended up using!!!

210. First they look ugly but then when you add more they look cool!!!!

211. Watch a disturbing but interesting music video by someone named Melanie Martinez

212. Do literally nothing for probably 5 hours

213. Eat a lot

214. Drink 3 beers

215. Find a different coworkers ACTING website which is truly terrible

216. He also told you he cheated on his girlfriend more than once and that’s why they’re breaking up

217. Find her acting website

218. It’s way better and she’s so talented

219. Marvel at how mediocre guys treat incredible women like shit??????

220. Start doing SOME packing at like 2:00am

221. Find the part of Etsy dedicated to “Kanye West Prayer Candles”

222. Get lost in there for a while

223. Drink another beer

224. Listen to Jamiroquai for the first time

225. It’s not what you thought at all!!!!!!

226. Find and finish your two year gratitude journal

227. Answering questions about your life makes you feel really good because you like the path you’re on and where you’re headed

228. NEXT WEEK IS THE LAST WEEK

229. SO EXCITING

230. You’ve been telling some friends about it

231. Scared for sending it off into the world

232. What if professional people hate it?

233. Self-publishing is a sexy fun option

234. What if an editor with expensive glasses reads this one day

235. And is like, “Should we take out the part about editing? Feels too behind the curtain”

236. And you’ll say breaking the fourth wall isn’t just for kids discovering theatre in high school and The Office camera work

237. Be excited for the future

238. And moving

239. And living

240. Also you texted about getting a key and got a cheerful but vague response but you’re sure it will all work out somehow

241. No mention of the security deposit yet, hopefully that will just disappear!

242. Go back to packing

[stagesofabreakup]

Stages of a Breakup: Week 50

1. Uber home from Sam’s house for 8 dollars

2. Get a gay black man named Dwayne who you bond with over Will Downing who tells you about the old Mardi Gras traditions he had growing up in the Tremé

3. It’s Lundi Gras!

4. Unpack the 2 containers of meatballs and red sauce and polenta that have leaked/exploded

5. Eat a pastry that was loose in there

6. It’s still good

7. Successfully connect to wifi on not 1 but 2 devices with no help!!!!

8. Try to make plans for today/tonight but everyone is asleep

9. Start the movie “Jack,” a 1996 Robin Williams movie also with Diane Lane where he is born 10?

10. Everyone responds to your texts at once

11. Quick take a shower/get dressed

12. Uber to Molly’s to go to Red Beans (parade)

13. She is still getting ready

14. Wait there

15. Try on a blonde wig and 2 turbans

16. These are not your looks

17. Your friend Mary-Devon meets you guys

18. Try to catch the parade

19. Catch it!

20. Wait in line for a bathroom

21. Run into some people

22. Eat some 7$ gumbo Molly gets

23. Get a free piece of chicken

24. Run into your friend Claire!!!

25. Hang out

26. Get too high

27. Think you lost Molly for an hour when really she’s only been on the phone 13 minutes

28. Go back to Kate’s house with Molly

29. She and Kate craft

30. You want to craft but none of your stuff is here

31. Make a weird headband/headpiece out of scraps they both have

32. It’s pretty bad

33. Watch 3 episodes of America’s Next Top Model and drink a lot of vodka with Triple Sec and grapefruit juice

34. You guys Uber Eats 60 dollars worth of sushi that still isn’t enough

35. Eat

36. Decide to go to this Krewe de Selena dance party at Allways Lounge

37. Rally

38. Kate and Molly get dressed

39. You stay as you are

40. Uber there

41. Go to the dance party

42. The bar is cash only

43. And the ATM is broken

44. Go to Kajun’s

45. Get drinks and money

46. Hang for a while

47. Run into a girl you have complicated feelings about

48. She touches you too aggressively which always happens

49. See this couple you met 4 years ago when he moved her down and they broke up but now they’re back together and he moved here to be with her

50. Leave

51. Run into Rachel and her bff Hallie who is visiting from Portland

52. Go back to Kajun’s because they need $ as well

53. Get a double whiskey sour

54. Hang

55. Go back

56. The performances have started

57. See a 17 year old rapper

58. You know that because all of his songs mention that he is 17 and still in school

59. He is amazing (Maja?)

60. The next performance is some amazing men twerking and one of the best dancers you have ever seen in your whole life

61. Somehow without realizing it you have moved from the back to the second row and are dancinggg

62. See your friend Mariama!!!!!!!!!!

63. You love her

64. It’s so nice to see people you know and love!

65. Leave at 2:00am

66. Take an Uber that’s TWENTY-SEVEN DOLLARS because surge pricing for Mardi gras

67. This is usually like an 11 dollar ride for context/rage

68. Your Uber driver is an adult man named Kevin who tells you he isn’t driving Uber for the money (which apparently he “doesn’t need”) but to meet a girlfriend

69. You stop talking to him but are enraged at how cavalier/misogynistic he is being, and how it clearly doesn’t even occur to him how that’s a terrifying this to say to a woman he’s alone with, driving, at night, to her fucking house

70. Angry tweet about it

71. Say nothing

72. Get home

73. Take a shower and try to wash all your makeup off, unsuccessfully

74. Sleep for 4 hours

75. MARDI GRAS!!!!!!

76. Your alarm goes off to meet Molly at Kate’s to go with her but you don’t want to do that

77. Hang out with Erica who’s awake

78. Eat meatballs & polenta

79. Talk

80. It’s so nice you haven’t gotten to hang out with her that much and it’s really nice to catch up

81. Do your makeup together

82. Drink champagne

83. A guy gets back to you about a potential room in NY for March and you arrange to get in touch when you get back after you explain that it’s Mardi Gras and you’re going to be drunk very soon

84. She has so much good glitter

85. Ride with her and Joe

86. Get a 6 pack at a corner store

87. Walk to Lafitte’s Blacksmith Shoppe (oldest running bar in the continental US)

88. Get a “purple drink” that’s deceivingly strong

89. Walk to meet people

90. See so many costumes

91. Drink

92. See Erica’s drunk friend and her kids one of whom is a sleeping baby, the other of whom is miserable and 3 today

93. Bounce back and forth between R Bar & Mimi’s areas

94. Go to Grace’s house with Molly & Sam

95. Watch some of Sam’s porn’s

96. They are good

97. Drink more

98. Eat a sandwich

99. Mardi Gras!

100. Run into more people

101. Take pictures

102. Eat king cake

103. More people

104. Use the bathroom at your friend Lindsey’s house

105. Watch and cry to the video for Ke$ha’s “Praying”

106. Whiskey

107. Walk more

108. So much bouncing around all over

109. You’re trying to avoid your ex-boyfriend and his gf because they are out together

110. Go to Granpre’s (bar) to meet people

111. Get drinks

112. Take a boomerang of some strangers pretending to take a shot

113. Walk into the Quarter again

114. Feel angry because your friends did drugs and are being by themselves and you miss them and feel outside and it’s frustrating

115. Frustrated Cry to Molly

116. Find Rachel

117. Sad Cry to her

118. Feel heard

119. Decide to go to Lost Love Lounge by yourself because comics/friends will be there even though your ex-bf might be there

120. Go

121. See people

122. Not him

123. He’s not there

124. A guy cries to you that he didn’t give you enough credit for the things you were right about when you were here and your leaving has left a hole and people “needed you”

125. Which is very nice

126. Uber back with Geoff & MD

127. Hang for a little while

128. Get the key to their house, where moving to tomorrow

129. MD gets you an Uber since your phone keeps closing out of all its’ apps which is fun and not terrible or frustrating at all

130. Shower

131. Makeup remover

132. Realize how sunburned you are from an entire day spent walking outside in the sun

133. Could be worse

134. Try to watch Jack more

135. Are too tired

136. Sleep

137. Wake up at 8:42am

138. Erica is awake!!!

139. Lie on the couch with her

140. Watch This Is the End

141. Get Chinese food

142. Think about getting vegetables, don’t

143. It’s Valentine’s Day!

144. Watch a documentary about a rich British man who murderd his girlfriend then his mom tried to cover it up for him

145. Watch Some Like It Hot

146. Wish for aloe

147. Check your ex-boyfriend’s new gf’s social media

148. Huge mistake

149. You dumb idiot

150. Block her on Instagram

151. And facebook

152. Talk to Erica

153. Realize through her wisdom you can’t do this to yourself

154. Block him on Facebook

155. Feel good and in control

156. It’s ok however long it’s taking you to process this and you shouldn’t judge yourself for

157. Have Erica get you an Uber

158. Do makeup and pack in 16 minutes

159. Get to Mary-Devon and Geoff’s house

160. Drop off your things

161. Go to Carrollton Station for the mic

162. See people

163. It’s nice

164. Your ex-bf comes

165. His gf isn’t there

166. Glad to see they’re spending their first Valentine’s Day evening apart

167. She’s probably working and they’ll have sex later

168. You can’t check anything now

169. Which is good

170. Go up pretty early

171. Buy a million drinks

172. Your tab is 36 dollars in a place where drinks are 2 dollars

173. Get a little drunk

174. Smoke some weed

175. Ignore your ex-bf & don’t say one word to him

176. Watch his set where he talks about dating a “Catholic woman”

177. It’s gross to you

178. He looks good though

179. But who cares!!!!!!!!

180. Eat 2 hot dogs at the bar

181. Leave

182. Come home with Geoff & MD

183. Eat a chicken taco

184. Put your leftovers in the refrigerator you forgot to earlier

185. Fall asleep while sitting up

186. Walk to the guest bedroom

187. Spend Valentine’s Day sleeping on the bed you had sex with your ex-boyfriend on the last night (and morning!) you were in New Orleans

188. Seems tragically & poetically right

189. It’s ok though

190. Lol it also has the sleeping bag on it that was your ex-bf’s dog bed at your old house

191. You never got to see him (the dog) and now you leave in 2 days and you probably won’t

192. He is a sweet baby angel and you hope you will see him another time

193. Wake up at 5:15am for some reason

194. Some of your eyeliner has migrated to different places

195. Stay on your phone for 2 hours

196. Go back to sleep?

197. Try to text people to go to lunch with you at The Turkey and the Wolf

198. Everyone has a job

199. Mary-Devon comes home!!!

200. She has time and wants to go to lunch with you!!!!

201. Smoke weed

202. Their slogan is “Get high and come by” so really you’re just following orders

203. Drive there

204. It’s 19 minutes away

205. You’re high

206. Order the most beautiful food of:

207. Fried bologna sandwich

208. Fried pot pie (Like a savory turnover)

209. Roasted garlic eggplant dip with dill & cucumbers & roti

210. A drink with tequila, spice & almond milk called

“Nothing Goes According to Plan”

211. Mary-Devon gets a different equally beautiful drink called “My Mom Blacks Out Better Than Yours” which is a great name

212. Wait for what felt like a million years for the food to come

213. IT COMES

214. It’s perfect

215. The fried pot pie thing is one of the best most perfect things you have ever eaten

216. Go home

217. Listen to some of Under the Blacklight, this breakup album by Rilo Kiley you listened to a lot abroad before you were ever in a relationship

218. It has a different meaning to you now!!!!!

219. You’re excited to rediscover that

220. Remember that a long time ago your ex-boyfriend tweeted how wonderful it was falling out of love and your (you thought) mutual friend sent him a link to one of these songs

221. Annoyed that even this can’t be all the way free of him

222. Oh well, it will be one day

223. Still high

224. Take some leftovers even though you could have just pushed through and ate it but then you would have been uncomfortably full and you’re proud of yourself you didn’t

225. Get home

226. Lie down and watch The Office with Fred the cat

227. Take a shower without conditioner

228. Put aloe on!

229. Watch The Office for many hours

230. Eat your fried bologna leftovers

231. Think about getting ready for this mic before the show

232. Ubering everywhere costs so much money

233. Order an Uber on your laptop because your phone is a piece of shit

234. Get there

235. Go up

236. Do well

237. Meet a comic who’s on the next show you’re on

238. Hitch a ride with him

239. Get to Sidney’s

240. Mary-Devon told you sometimes there is a man who sells pulled pork in waffle cones outside the show

241. Look for him

242. He is not there

243. Lots of people you know are there!!

244. Hang

245. Get your clothes for Mardi Gras from your friend Jade lolol

246. Do your set

247. It’s very fun

248. You miss being able to do comedy for longer than 2 minutes

249. Eat free strawberry ice cream

250. Get 25 dollars!!!

251. Convince Geoff (who’s driving you back to his house) to go to Hank’s

252. Spend TWELVE DOLLARS on fried food

253. Which doesn’t sound insane but fried fish is 2 pieces for 1.50, so it is

254. Eat some chicken strips and a corn dog with your friends

255. Go home

256. You’re drunk

257. Look at Geoff’s senior yearbook and see pictures of him and everyone’s quotes

258. Find your ex-boyfriend’s old roommate

259. Want to send the picture to your ex-boyfriend because it’s truly a hilarious gem

260. But you don’t !!!!

261. Progress bitch

262. Watch some of The Office

263. Pass out

264. Wake up like 5 different times because you can hear MD’s alarm for work

265. Go back to sleep

266. Sort of have a group text with your friends Molly & Gabe you keep falling asleep during

267. Wake up when your friend Wyshonda calls you

268. She’s near and can come get you to hang out!

269. Quick go to check in/print your boarding pass

270. Find out your flight is at 7:45pm not 9:00pm like you thought?

271. Call Rachel see if she can still take you to the airport

272. She can

273. Get dressed

274. Wyshonda comes

275. Get sushi from the grocery store

276. And so many free samples

277. Think about getting a king cake to take back, decide against it

278. Go park and eat in her car which reminds you of high school

279. She tells you all about her trip to Cuba which sounds amazing

280. Catch up in general

281. She drives you to this cool abandoned house that is covered in graffiti

282. She takes some pictures of you! (She is a photographer)

283. You look at them and don’t like your body but accept that that’s ok

284. Hang out for a while longer

285. She drops you back home

286. Think about packing

287. Think about drinking

288. Watch The Office

289. Take a shower

290. Eat cold fried fish and chicken and one meat pie

291. Finally start doing stuff

292. Ask MD if she wants the white wine you have left in a baby bottle, then drink it yourself when she asks, “Why don’t you just drink it now?”

293. Pack everything

294. MD takes you to Rachel’s

295. You guys listen to songs with the word “blood” in the title for some reason

296. Hug her and say goodbye

297. Rachel takes you to the airport

298. You guys talk for a little bit at the terminal, it’s good and you love her

299. Go to your plane

300. Look for daiquiris

301. Text your friend Laura who flies for a living if they’re anywhere near

302. They don’t sell them at this terminal

303. They do have a smoothie king though

304. Get one (Berry Punch)

305. Get two Bacardi white rum’s on the plane

306. You made your own!!!!

307. The plane is half empty so you get to go from being cramped in a middle seat to having your own whole row

308. One of the flight attendants is hot

309. Not hot enough to make you sign up for a credit card though

310. Write in your journal

311. Masturbate

312. Yes on the plane

313. No one’s there it’s fine

314. Try to sleep

315. The plane is landing

316. You land in Newark, NJ even though you live in Brooklyn, NY because it is cheaper

317. Take a bus

318. Meet a Norwegian woman and her daughter

319. Help them get where they’re going

320. She gives you a bar of Norwegian chocolate

321. You give her glass beads Mardi Gras beads

322. But then you feel terrible because you tell them to get off one stop too late ☹ ☹ but they’ll figure it out

323. But you still feel terrible

324. Take the train

325. See a woman that you can’t tell if she’s being harassed or not

326. Go up and ask her if she’s alright

327. She sort of is blank

328. Ask if she knows him and wants to talk to him

329. She says no

330. He starts yelling at you, “WHAT’S WRONG WITH A BLACK MAN TALKING TO A BEAUTIFUL BLACK WOMAN?”

331. He is kind of slurring his words a little and it makes you uneasy

332. Your train comes

333. You both get on the train, you get in a different car than her in case he follows you

334. He does

335. He keeps yelling at you

336. You close your eyes and do your best to ignore him

337. It goes on

338. Change cars at the next stop

339. Luckily he doesn’t follow

340. Take the train forever

341. Finally get home

342. You have three exciting pieces of mail

343. A save the date for a wedding you’re not sure you’ll go to that’s in a literal castle

344. A nice note from your mom

345. Your moviepass card!!!!!

346. Check to see when you have work tomorrow

347. Not til 3:00pm baby!!!!!

348. Feel good in this place

349. And happy to be here

350. Know for the first time that this is your home now

351. Check your messages

352. Your friend Wyshonda sent you three pictures!

353. They are phenom & you love them

354. Decide to post tomorrow

355. Wake up an hour before your alarm

356. Think about sleeping more or doing something productive

357. Waste the hour scrolling through your phone

358. Post the pictures Wyshonda took

359. Message 2 people about seeing rooms for March

360. Eat some old vegetables, chocolate & granola for breakfast

361. Waste time

362. Wait for a train for 20 minutes because you had to buy a new Metrocard

363. Only get to work out for 30 minutes

364. It’s a good 30 min though

365. Work

366. You’re a “floater”

367. Which kind of sucks

368. But there’s free pizza

369. Have 2 pieces

370. Make 93 dollars

371. Solve a problem

372. NEW free pizza!

373. Have 3 pieces

374. Walk home in SLUSH because it SNOWED

375. Yesterday you were wearing a sundress in New Orleans and now you’re mad you don’t have snowboots

376. Feel the most tired

377. Home

378. Facebook

379. Not enough sleep

380. Wake up to go to the gym

381. Stop in a Modell’s Sporting Goods to see if they have sneakers because you DESPERATELY need some new ones

382. They have a smallish selection and you don’t really love any of them

383. Convince yourself to get cool thin sneakers because you are momentarily swayed by the world

384. Spend 59.84 bc you signed up for a rewards card to get 10% off

385. Go to the gym

386. Work out in them

387. THEY FEEL TERRIBLE AND YOUR FEET STILL HURT MAYBE MORE THAN BEFORE AND YOU HATE THEM YOU JUST WANT CHUNKY LAME SEARS SNEAKERS BUT YOU DON’T KNOW HOW TO FIND SUBURBAN STORES IN NEW YORK

388. Text your friends Molly and Gabe

389. They say return them

390. Look up DSW, see that there’s one very close to you

391. Go back to the store not even an hour later

392. Return them

393. The salespeople are kind

394. Train to work

395. There was a fire on the track so there are delayssssssss

396. Wait for so long and get stressed about being late to work

397. Read more of your book “Bad Haircut” by Tom Perrotta

398. It’s good writing but the perspective isn’t something you can all the way latch onto

399. You’re late to work

400. You have many groups

401. Lose your voice very badly

402. Drink 3-4 cups of Sleepytime tea at work because it’s the only kind of tea they have left

403. Make 208 dollars in tips!!!!!!

404. Bond with your coworkers, they are mostly really cool

405. Think about making out with one of them

406. Home

407. Watch Eddie Izzard’s Dress to Kill special that you first watched at a friend’s house when you were in 5th grade

408. It’s SO good

409. He is a genius and so funny and this special is ridiculously good

410. Eat 2 pieces of Papa John’s pizza and an entire sleeve (except for like 6) of Club crackers

411. Watch Fergie sing the Jazz National Anthem at the NBA All Stars game

412. It’s breathtakingly terrible in a way only art can be

413. Floss

414. You’re seeing a room tomorrow that you really hope works out!!!!

415. And you hope you have your voice back by then otherwise it’ll be weird!!!

416. Drink water

417. Try to sleep

418. Eventually succeed

[stagesofabreakup]

Stages of a Breakup: Week 49

1. Wake up in a weird stupor

2. Have bites of fried rice, curried chick peas, leftover Chinese, & a Sweet n’ Salty granola bar for breakfast

3. Start to get dressed for the gym

4. Remember you need to try to get these overdraft charges fixed

5. Call Venmo

6. They tell you to call your bank

7. Call your bank

8. THEY REFUND BOTH CHARGES

9. 64 DOLLARS TOTAL

10. LOCAL BANKS/CREDIT UNIONS ARE THE SHIT

11. Also send Randy an email back about the story and quoting price

12. He pays!

13. Gym

14. Have to end 10 min early to get to work

15. Both managers you don’t like are working

16. It’s ugh

17. Have great groups

18. Get 69$ in tips

19. Lol

20. Go home

21. You have a package from your dad that’s a DVD of his family’s old home movies and a picture of you when you were 13 (maybe?) and a sweet postcard

22. Call him and leave a message about how much you appreciate it/how nice it was to come home to

23. Immediately start drinking

24. Eat food including a gross amount of Nutella

25. Watch many many The Offices

26. Make an Instagram story about how you got drunk instead of packing for New Orleans but how that’s honestly more in the spirit of Mardi Gras

27. Stay up too late

28. Ethan texts you

29. You text back and forth for a while

30. It feels not good to you

31. Verging on too much

32. Stop responding

33. Start packing

34. It’s very hard

35. Packing for 10 days including normal clothes and costumes and also for potential rain is hard

36. Trying to fit it all in one bag because your return flight is on Spirit Airlines and they’re literally the devil is even harder

37. Also wrestle emotionally with the idea of seeing your ex-boyfriend in all these clothes

38. It’s very ugh

39. Drink some more

40. Stay up til 8:00am

41. Whoops

42. Sleep until 1:00pm

43. Finish packing while watching The Office

44. Your friend asked you to be on the writer’s room for her show???

45. Email back saying you’re interested???

46. Maybe that will be a thing????

47. Leave your house at 5:30pm

48. Feel VERY anxious and scared and scared and anxious for your journey and trip as a whole but especially the parts of getting to Newark you haven’t done before

49. Go into the new World Trade Center for the first time (connect to New Jersey PATH trains there)

50. It’s BREATHTAKING

51. It’s all white/gleaming/bustling

52. In the center is a HUGE towering sculpture/art installation/piece that’s clothes and has plaques about how many clothes are wasted each year by millennials

53. Ride the PATH train

54. Buy a ticket for another train after a kind Indian man helps you and you reject it after a while but then really he was right and you do what he said

55. Feel very scared you’re on the wrong train though because you’re outside of your Google maps comfort zone

56. Get to the airport

57. Get to the right terminal

58. Walk through the food court because you’re worried about time but then have like an hour and no good food options

59. Stare at a Ben & Jerry’s cart and wonder if you just want an ice cream cone for dinner

60. Call your mom

61. Talk to her for 49 minutes

62. Show her the song Pretty Girl

63. You cry while she’s listening to it

64. Talk through some trip anxiety with her

65. Also your friend Sarah who texted

66. Board

67. None of the in flight movies are good-if only you were going North or West bound!!

68. Find Chopped instead

69. THEY’RE DOING A MARDI GRAS THEMED ONE

70. ALL THE CHEFS ARE FROM NEW ORLEANS

71. YOU KNOW SOME OF THE RESTAURANTS

72. It fills you with happiness and joy to watch and feels serendipitous

73. THE EPISODE AFTER IS STILL MARDI GRAS AND HAS CHEFS FROM NEW ORLEANS

74. ONE OF THEM IS THE CHEF FROM THE RESTAURANT YOU WORKED AT FOR YOUR FIRST JOB IN NEW ORLEANS

75. HIS NAME IS CODY AND HE WAS VERY HOT AND MEAN SOMETIMES

76. YOU’RE FREAKING OUT

77. HE GETS TO THE FINAL ROUND AND LOSES TO A BLACK WOMAN NAMED MISS LINDA AS HE SHOULD

78. It’s insane and feels like an amazing omen/start for(to?) this trip

79. You can feel yourself getting sick ☹

80. You can’t rest and drink tea/do anything nourishing because you’re literally just going to be in the airport for the next 10 hours

81. You’re flying JetBlue so you get a million snacks

82. Including some Buffalo popped corn they have leftover from the Superbowl which is fantastic

83. Get into Ft. Lauderdale

84. They have free wifi thank the lords

85. Buckle in and get ready to watch The Office until your flight at 7:38am tomorrow!

86. People keep shining the floors for some reason and it’s so loud

87. You would kill someone for food that has a temperature

88. Keep trying to drink water as if that keeps away sickness

89. Get kicked out of the terminal because it apparently closes for ONE hour before opening up for morning flights

90. Lay down by a baggage conveyor belt

91. Daydream of going to sleep

92. Don’t trust being unconscious in public enough at all to do that

93. Try to remember what comfort and rest feels like

94. Use a sock as a handkerchief because you can’t keep taking all your luggage to the bathroom to get tissues

95. Feel drained and empty

96. Know that you won’t even be able to really sleep on the plane because it’s only like an hour flight

97. Maybe it’s more because of the time difference?

98. But you don’t want to miss the snacks?

99. It’s a bridge you’ll cross when you come to it

100. Something goes wrong with the internet & it stops working

101. If ever there was a time for Jesus to take the wheel-it would be at 4:42am at this airport in Fort Lauderdale, FL.

102. You keep sort of orgasming because whenever you hold your pee for long periods of time your bladder presses against your G spot

103. Wish you could masturbate

104. It makes you wonder if you’re going to hook up with anyone in New Orleans

105. Put some Vitamin E on the burn on your hand that’s been there for 4 days since you burned it putting chicken nuggets in the toaster oven & didn’t really do anything to take care of it

106. You probably won’t

107. Desirable women probably treat the burns on their hands with alacrity

108. You been thinking about what the ideal scenario is with your ex-boyfriend, what you wish would happen

109. You can’t decide if you would hook up with him if he wanted to because he has a girlfriend and you promised your friend Gena 7 years ago you would never cheat with someone because someone really fucked her up even though at the time you had no concept of love or that kind of hurt, but it was a very intense promise

110. Also you don’t want to do something that makes you a bad person/hurts someone unfairly

111. Also he probably doesn’t want to and won’t be attracted to you anymore

112. This seems to be the whole crux of it

113. You really want him to be

114. And to regret everything and to miss you

115. The likelihood of this is slim to none, and the likelihood of him expressing this to you even if it was the case is so close to zero it’s barely existing at all

116. It’s hard to not value your worth by whether or not you are desirable to one person when that was how you framed your desirability for two years

117. Which honestly is probably a part of the problem

118. Try to imagine what sexually validating yourself feels like

119. Decide to go back through airport security and wait by the terminal

120. It’s unreal how many people are upstairs

121. Wait in the security line too long

122. Get swabbed for chemicals

123. Get in

124. Get picked up then get breakfast with your friend Grace

125. You’re starting to get sick but there’s really nothing you can do about it

126. Get boudin with grits and scrambled eggs and a biscuit and also chicken noodle soup

127. Also have 2 different kinds of soup for lunch

128. You’re trying

129. Catch up!!!!

130. Go back to her house and sleep for 2 hours

131. Go to a beauty supply store on Elysian Fields

132. A transformer blows and the power goes out for a minute???

133. Get really good glitter

134. And an eyeliner you feel meh about

135. Go meet Molly at the house she’s staying at

136. Drink a little

137. Turn down an edible

138. Watch the first episode of ANTM

139. It’s NUTS

140. Decide not to go to the parade

141. Go to Carrollton Station

142. See people!!!!!

143. See your ex-boyfriend

144. It’s good!!!!

145. You guys talk

146. You do a set where you mention the break up a little

147. Talk to him for a while

148. He buys you a beer

149. It feels good

150. You don’t want to be with him and it’s nice to connect and you feel happy for him

151. He leaves without saying goodbye

152. You have your first piece of king cake this season!!!!!!

153. Buy a round of drinks

154. Talk to people you love

155. Get driven home by your friends Geoff and Mary-Devon

156. Be a little cold

157. And happy

158. Sleep?/The office with headphones

159. Up up up

160. Go to Pizza Delicious

161. Get a balanced meal & rum punch

162. Meet a puppy named Boudin

163. See someone feed him one meatball

164. Feel overwhelmingly happy

165. Go to Goodwill

166. Buy fabric to braid and one leotard

167. Craft for a while at Grace’s house

168. Rachel comes over!!!!!!!

169. Grace’s drug dealer comes over

170. She starts taking out the most weed you’ve ever seen in one place

171. Truly it’s nuts

172. Do errand things

173. Shower

174. Change

175. Makeup

176. Feel good & bad about your body

177. Store

178. Alcohol

179. Try to coordinate and make plans but it’s very hard

180. Try to write this while you’re on mushrooms, realize you’re just gonna have to revisit later

181. But a note before that: It’s weird and amazing to be back here but it can also be sad and when you were talking to your ex-boyfriend & you asked him if he minded about the joke or something like that and he said, “It’s been a year” like very dismissively, and it was sad because a. you really had to work hard not to be like “Actually it’s been 48 weeks” and sound like a PSYCHOPATH and b. it’s SO CLEAR how much he’s moved on and DOESN”T CARE/isn’t affected by it at all but you have to remind yourself that emotionally he checked out of the relationship 6 months before it was over and you didn’t know that/were still in it. Also you’re living through the discomfort of being alone while he went immediately for the ease of new love so. But your mom told you you were being judgmental and maybe that’s true too

182. You probably shouldn’t do drugs anymore while you’re here

183. But like, has it ever been cold outside then you get into a warm bed and the person you love is in there already asleep but then they wake up for a second and pull you into them and sleep into you? How do people ever get over losing that?

184. Go to the new grocery store on Saint Claude, get beer and whiskey

185. Pick up Rachel and Harrison and Rachel’s co-worker

186. Spend lots of time in stressful traffic getting to the parade then trying to find a parking spot

187. Finally get one that’s pretty close

188. Muses!

189. Feel kind of removed probably because you’re standing in the back

190. Eat some pimento cheese

191. Get more into it

192. Eat some mushrooms

193. Run into some people

194. In the light of day you wake up & feel terrible

195. Emotionally & physically

196. Drugs are terrible and you shouldn’t do them anymore here

197. You probably still will

198. Also it feels like maybe you’re not over your ex-boyfriend just yet and it sucks that he has a girlfriend but you have to suck it up and not tell anyone because he’s moved on and so has everyone else and you think they think it’s pathetic

199. Feel pathetic

200. When The Office character you identify with the most is Kelly Kapoor, it’s a dark day

201. Also you have a day off where Grace had to go to work and everyone has work and you feel lonely and like no one cares about you

202. It’s rough

203. It’s also very difficult to be without any kind of transportation and you hate that

204. You also don’t have makeup remover which is an ISSUE

205. Someone texts you to hang out

206. You used to be close with them but haven’t hung out in a long time

207. Agree to see them in a few hours

208. Braid fabric/take a shower/eat pizza/drink beer

209. Get dressed

210. It takes a long time

211. Your ex-boyfriend will be at the show you’re on tonight

212. It’s hard to pick out an outfit that will make someone regret leaving you

213. You finally decide on one

214. It’s shiny and has a lot of mesh again

215. Makeup

216. Walk to the show

217. It starts raining a little

218. Headline the show

219. Do well

220. Make 5 dollars

221. Everyone goes out after

222. Hang

223. It’s alright

224. Your ex-boyfriend is very aggressively not in love with you anymore

225. He drives you home because you’re walking and he offers because he is sweet and kind

226. It makes you sad

227. He has this whole other life now that’s moved on without you with all these people you love

228. You don’t belong here anymore

229. You do in some ways and you love everyone but there’s not a place for you here

230. All you wanted to do was makeout with him

231. He did say you can see his dog tomorrow

232. They’re having a party at his house for Endymion (parade)

233. Look foreward to that but also be sad

234. He also said at one point there’s no reason why he wouldn’t be happy to see you

235. Which is good but also

236. You wish he was a LITTLE tortured

237. You’re so tortured by this whole thing

238. Girl

239. This sucks

240. All you want is for him to cheat on his girlfriend with you

241. You don’t care if that makes you a bad person fuck everyone

242. In time this will go away

243. You tell yourself

244. In a year it won’t be bad

245. But you thought that when you broke up and here you are

246. Actually, you didn’t, everyone else did

247. But you knew yourself

248. Things are sad

249. Also your friend Mary-Devon hasn’t texted you to hang out or made any effort to make plans/see you and it makes you sad

250. But she asked you if you wanted to be her bridesmaid so she has to love you right?

251. It’s sad out here

252. At least you didn’t do mushrooms

253. Get up

254. Have a cinnamon raison bagel with melted butter AND a sour beer AND then 45 minutes later, 2 fried eggs with hot sauce, bacon & toast

255. Finish your braided rope harness craft project costume thing for Mardi Gras day

256. It’s so cool!

257. Post an instagram of it with a good caption

258. Get dressed

259. Decide to walk with Grace to your friend Sam’s house then plan on going straight to your ex-boyfriend’s house for 1:00pm

260. Have a change of heart and realize you don’t want to be there all day

261. Agree to meet up with Molly and Kate at their house

262. Walk to Sam’s

263. Go in

264. Put on makeup and glitter

265. Have so much fun with them

266. Decide to go wherever they’re going/that it would be wrong to leave them

267. Sam worked on a movie that was a coming of age story set in 2003 so he had an amazing “Summer ‘03” playlist that he puts on a portable speaker you walk to

268. Go to Canseco’s

269. Get a 12 pack for 11 dollars

270. You miss this city

271. Go to a chicken wing party

272. Drink vanilla whiskey

273. Meet a girl with a cool button collection

274. Drink 2 beers

275. Leave because the chicken wings are still raw and you have to cross the parade route still

276. Walk to a second party

277. It starts raining

278. Get there just in time!

279. Have the best gumbo you’ve ever had in your entire life

280. And strawberry cream cheese king cake

281. And hummus and vegetables

282. And ranch and vegetables

283. And pad thai

284. And chips

285. Drink on the porch

286. Meet so many people

287. Drink whiskey

288. Sam takes your picture on film so you can’t see it yet but it feels exciting

289. Walk to the parade

290. Catch big beads!!!!!!

291. And some other things

292. Walk back

293. Go to the bathroom

294. Have crawfish pasta that’s perfect

295. Think that you lost your phone

296. Forget that you have it to Molly to hold

297. Drink probably 3 more beers

298. Try to meet up with other comics

299. Go to a bar instead

300. Free finger sandwiches and a questionable dip

301. Drink 2 “Gingeritas”

302. Some of the comics come there

303. Hang out

304. Lyft back with 2 girls you just met who are friends of friends

305. Get to your friend Grace’s house

306. Feel pretty ok about the night

307. Nothing like the last 2

308. Wake up!!!!

309. Another fresh morn

310. You’re switching houses today

311. Grace agrees to drive you

312. Because she is an angel

313. Walk to your friend Sam’s where her car is

314. Stop in and say hi for a sec

315. Get the car

316. Go back to her house, get the luggage

317. Go to Erica and Joe’s house!

318. Erica is hot glueing butterflies to a sheath of pink tulle, as you must

319. They take you out to lunch at Mopho

320. You get great fu (phu?) and spring rolls and brussels sprouts and a beer

321. Talk about comedy shit

322. Go home

323. Put on a pink cape real quick

324. Get dropped (they are also angels) outside the Sandpiper Lounge where Box of Wine (a walking parade) leaves from

325. Run into your breakup buddy Nora who gives you lots of glitter

326. Ask how she’s doing

327. She seems really good

328. Wish that your ex-boyfriend could just rejoin your rugby league and force you to deal with these issues head on

329. Wait around for about an hour

330. Stand next to a Shania Twain krewe

331. Hear so much Shania Twain

332. Damn you feel like a woman!!!!!!!

333. Run into more people

334. Walk

335. Do the whole parade with Molly

336. It’s SO FUN

337. Get a free hot dog from a Confederacy of Dunces/Russian satire float????

338. Eat cheetos out of a goldfish bowl on a girl’s headpiece

339. Dance dance dance

340. Run into more people

341. Meet up with your friend Sam and his friend Natalie

342. Go to an afterparty you originally needed a wristband for but now don’t

343. Go to the bathroom and charge your phone and eat food (REALLY GOOD corn bisque & a mini muffaletta)

344. Take an Uber with Molly to Stallings playground (right by your old house!!!) for Eris (a walking parade that usually is at sunrise but is at night this year)

345. Watch a weird fire/singing thing that Molly whispered, “Would have been really powerful if they were good” lololol

346. See soooooo many cool costumes

347. Feel conflicted/problematic about walking through historically black neighborhoods at night with a bunch of white people setting off fireworks

348. Stop to get some beer

349. Cross under the bridge

350. Lose Molly

351. Go to a bar with Sam to use the bathroom

352. Go to a different bar with Sam to get drinks

353. Meet a British guy looking for coke

354. Sam tells you he’s started doing porn

355. Find Molly

356. Rejoin the parade

357. End in Jackson Square (? Near Pirate’s Alley where all the fortune tellers go)

358. People are dancing and climbing fences to dance on top of them and a band is playing

359. Sam is showing you & Molly porn gifs of him

360. There seems to be sexual tension between the two of them

361. It’s exciting and fun

362. Lose Molly again?

363. Go to Verti Marte to get food and one more beer with Sam and Natalie

364. Get a free whole bear claw

365. Oh also you’ve had two wrapped to go boxes of meatballs in your backpack this whole time

366. Go to a party at “The Pearl” which is a weird free space that seems to be set up for people who are tripping

367. You’re stressed because your phone is dying and you can’t find an outlet in this whole house because everything is aaz spaceship or something (they do have one of the original rides from when the World’s Fair was in New Orleans in the backyard that people are sitting/drinking in and singing the same 2 lines of a rap song to over and over because they don’t know the rest)

368. Eat a lot of saltines in green & red salsa because you forgot you have 2 full meals in your backpack

369. Go home with Sam and Natalie

370. Plan to uber back from there bc it’s closer to where you’re going

371. Stay there instead

372. Sam has 7 houseguests (in his shotgun) so the three of you sleep in his queen bed

373. He spoons you in the middle of the night & it’s nice

374. Sleep in a D.A.R.E tshirt

[stagesofabreakup]

Stages of a Breakup: Week 48

1. Whoops you did Monday on the end of last week

2. It’s Tuesday now!

3. Who cares

4. Wake up earlyish

5. See a text from the girl moving back into your/her room about when you’re moving out

6. It triggers some stress in you

7. You ask her if she wants the window treatments you bought

8. She doesn’t

9. This is more stress

10. Check social media

11. This turns out to be a horrible mistake because while you are casually scrolling through Instagrams, clicking away, you go to a very RANDOM and private Insta you thought only you followed, it’s a stripper in Miami who likes astrology and also designs clothes so her posts are all over the place but you love it

12. She did these memes of Horoscope Starter Packs

13. You click the Aries one bc you gotta see

14. YOUR EX-BOYFRIEND HAS COMMENTED ON IT

15. ??????????

16. HIS NEW GIRLFRIEND REPLIED TO HIS COMMENT???????

17. It’s honestly too much for you

18. Because this is a safe space

19. How did he even find it

20. Does she follow and showed it to him????

21. Were they gramming together??????

22. The thought of that bursts your heart

23. Bring 1,173 dollars in cash to a Chase bank

24. Deposit it, get checks-your roommate asked for 2 rents worth now

25. Something is wrong about the rent but you’ve decided it doesn’t matter

26. Go to the gym

27. Work out but sadly

28. Your phone freaks out and won’t respond to touch

29. You get VERY nervous

30. It fixes itself? But is probably still dying

31. Go to a beauty supply store

32. Buy a bedazzled baseball hat that says, “Boss” in fake jewels, purple mirror nail polish and nail gems—for Mardi Gras

33. Go to work

34. Eat 2 halves of leftover doughnuts

35. Still good

36. Listen in disgust while two people bond over Rick & Morty

37. Get two groups that don’t tip but are loud and boisterous and annoying

38. Get one group that does tip

39. Feel blahhhhhhhhhhh all damn DAY

40. Get annoyed at one manager who does not understand how to communicate thoughts

41. Stay an hour past when you were supposed to leave, mopping

42. Almost choke on some seasoned French fries

43. Walk to the train

44. Get a text from the guy (you were talking to a while ago then realized he was seeing someone else) asking if you’re mad at him

45. You reply no

46. But really-it’s not that you’re mad at him you just realized you were putting an unfair emphasis on his interactions with you and you don’t want to be texting him at 3:00am anymore

47. Wonder if you should tell him this

48. Wonder if you should message your ex-boyfriend and tell him it’s rude he didn’t tell you he was dating someone when he knew you would see it and have to deal

49. Drink a beer

50. Pay your roommate two months rent which is the most money you’ve ever written a check for

51. Accidentally break a plate

52. Eat the world’s worst quesadilla

53. FIND WORSE THINGS ON INSTAGRAM

54. Your ex-bf and his new gf went on a date to Applebee’s and they both uploaded matching instagrams and he captioned his “Applebae’s”

55. Which is objectively terrible and disgusting

56. You remember/realize that in the two years of dating neither of you ever posted a ‘couples’ photo, that’s just the two of you together

57. She already is saying “I love you” online and he’s “loving” (the love react on fb) the comments

58. It’s too much

59. How do you stop caring??? How do people stop that?

60. Talk with a friend on the phone a little about it

61. Laugh

62. Feel kinda better

63. A girl you met a few nights ago messaged you her fire ritual so maybe you’ll do one of those

64. To cleanse

65. Send a friend 2 dollars online for a sick button

66. Keep looking at the instagrams over and over again like visual self-flagellation

67. Wish that you had a “I’m happy and loved!” picture to post

68. Remember that he unfollowed you on Instagram anyway so it wouldn’t matter

69. Feel sad & out of control

70. Put on The Patriot

71. Decide you need to take a shower

72. Want to masturbate

73. Cum!!!!!

74. Knock over some bleach and stain the carpet whoops

75. Who leaves a jug of bleach unopened anywhere???

76. Stay up too late

77. Finally turn off The Patriot and try to sleep

78. Wake up at 10:00am

79. Wake up at 3:00pm

80. Stress about stuff more

81. Eat a doughnut and half of a steak sandwich that isn’t yours but is about to go bad and one pack of fruit snacks

82. Start trying to write an email to HR giving feedback they asked for

83. Get a call from your friend Molly!!!!!

84. It’s perfect and she’s perfect

85. Three way call your other friend Gabe!!!!!

86. This is better than Facetime!!!!!

87. Gabe, your least superficial friend in the world, tells you you are objectively prettier than your ex-boyfriend’s new gf and that she is a “step down”

88. Which, whether or not it’s true is sweet and kind thing to say and you love him for saying it and it makes you feel better

89. But still feminism though!!!!!!

90. Watch some more of The Patriot

91. Email the HR email

92. Email about an editing job you’re doing for a friend

93. Maybe connect with 2 new roommates?

94. Try to get ready to go to the gym

95. Post 2 pictures to Instagram your friend Rashida took in your sports bra

96. YOUR EX-BOYFRIEND HAS ALREADY POSTED ANOTHER INSTAGRAM THIS TIME OF HIS DOG THAT YOU MISS SO MUCH and wow Instagram is an emotional battlefield

97. But you feel fortified from talking with one of your best friends who you love

98. Look forward to the gym

99. OMG talk to your friend Charlie on the phone

100. While on the phone with him, sign up for Moviepass AND unfollow your ex-boyfriend on Instagram!!!!!!!!!

101. Two huge things

102. Feel like you have a piece of glass in your foot

103. Because you definitely do

104. Talk to your friend Molly on the phone

105. Start editing your friend Randy’s story

106. The only time you leave the house today it is to go to the gym and immediately come back home

107. Talk to your friend Jade on the phone

108. Finish Moshe Kasher’s book “Kasher in the Rye,” which was incredible

109. Take pictures of all the outfits you have for Mardi Gras, send them to her

110. Buy two items from Torrid for 62 dollars and get them shipped to her house so they’ll be there for Mardi Gras

111. Make an Instagram story starring your jeweled hat that says “BOSS”

112. Watch the first 35 min of Get Him To The Greek

113. Masturbate

114. Shower

115. Sleep

116. Wake up weirdly early for going to bed at 6:00am

117. Feeling rested and alert!!!

118. Ignore the shooting invisible pain in your foot and get dressed to go to the gym!!!

119. Eat a sandwich with cheese that only had a little bit of mold on it

120. Send two emails you’ve been meaning to-one to your old gym in New Orleans asking if you can work out while you’re there and one to a group you’re in about a room for March!

121. Get booked on a show 2 months from now by writing a semi-snarky fb comment!

122. Go to the gym

123. Get annoyed by a weird man who moved your ipod and reminds you “you can’t trust people”

124. But like, the only person you can’t trust is people who try to remind you you can’t trust people

125. Work out

126. Listen to Britney Spear’s first album

127. It has aged well

128. Go into a sneaker store on the way home because you need new sneakers and part of you wants to get rid of all remnants of things your ex-boyfriend was involved in acquiring before you go back so you seem more changed/new/different

129. Try on like 4 pairs of shoes

130. They are ok but too expensive

131. You need a DSW in this bitch

132. Go home

133. Start a new book that’s written by the guy who wrote Election and Little Children (both great movies/you didn’t know one person did both of those)

134. Come home

135. Eat 2 packs of fruit snacks because you don’t want to encounter anyone by going in the kitchen and you hear them in there

136. Look at your phone for a while

137. Your ex-bf’s new gf is truly doing the most and has posted 2 instagrams of them and made a picture of the two of them her profile picture

138. This washes off you like water because you are an evolved being

139. You have also gone through the cleansing ritual of looking through her Instagram with a few choice friends and feeling emotionally safe & superior because you have all concluded that she overdraws her eyebrows which should be a crime

140. Peek out of your apartment to find there are a lot of firefighters in the apt next door and a lot of smoke

141. Worry

142. Breathe in some smoke

143. It’s ok someone just burned some food

144. Get an email from a girl about a place for April—decide you could put your stuff in storage and stay with friends if you needed to for a month

145. Send 3 booking emails to try to get more shows around a date you’re doing in Philly

146. Feel like a real comic/consummate professional

147. Drink a whiskey ginger you made with the shittiest whiskey the world has to offer

148. Your friend Charlie is coming over!

149. Plan to take a shower in the hour it will take him to get to your apartment

150. Sit in one spot until 5 min before he’s supposed to come

151. Text him you’re hopping in

152. He says he’s at your stop

153. You turn off the shower & put clothes back on

154. Wait 20 minutes

155. He got a roast beef sandwich before coming

156. Drink with Charlie!

157. Learn about the Rohingya and the genocide they are facing in Myanmar

158. Talk about more stuff

159. Show him your ex-bf’s new gf

160. He looks her up on some journalist database

161. No arrests

162. You look yourself up

163. It finds this YouTube video from like 8 years ago you forgot you made!!!!

164. You were so pretty????!!

165. Watch many episodes of The Office while Charlie nods in and out

166. He says he’s lonely

167. You tell him he can hold you if he wants for contact

168. You secretly hope he will

169. He says it’s ok

170. Watch more of The Office

171. Take a shower at 3:00am

172. Go to sleep

173. Wake up at 12:00pm

174. Charlie didn’t set an alarm

175. He missed an important Skype call

176. Whoops

177. He leaves

178. Go to the gym

179. Go to work for a short period of time

180. Have some down time, do trick shots with other people you work with

181. Throw (successfully) two axes at a time, two axes in one hand, underhand, and backwards

182. Sweat profusely and turn really red but don’t care because the sense of strength and accomplishment you got is more than worth it

183. Have a really annoying group

184. They don’t tip

185. Buy a 6 pack of Milk Stout and tortilla chips (for the salsa you found unopened on the ground 2 months ago) on your way home

186. Home

187. Get a check for your writing that’s 380.00

188. Freak out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

189. Also get a copy of the magazine it was published in

190. It was so long ago you forgot what you wrote kind of

191. Read it

192. You’re so funny!!!!

193. Call your mom for the first time in more than a month

194. She has company but says she’ll call you back but she’s happy you called

195. Feverishly drink beers and eat chips & salsa

196. Write a fb status about how people in love never make good art

197. She calls back

198. Talk on the phone with her for 4 hours

199. Cry a lot

200. Get past it

201. Have a really good conversation

202. Process some shit

203. Find out that she and your dad are divorced now, it finalized December 1st

204. Cry cry cry

205. She tells you you’re being judgmental about your ex-boyfriend

206. “You’re not in that position anymore”

207. This is interesting and something you haven’t considered

208. Marinate

209. See an apartment listing for 525/month

210. Send out an inquiry about it

211. Your eyes hurt from being open and crying

212. Take a shower

213. Find out Venmo charged you an overdraft fee twice, try to remember to call and get one taken off

214. Try to cut the piece of glass out of your foot with dull scissors

215. It doesn’t really work

216. You’re hungry but you’re doing this not eating after midnight thing

217. Realize your gym closes so fucking early tomorrow you have to get up super early if you wanna go before work

218. Ugh

219. You still haven’t done any more work on editing your friend’s story

220. You know you’re setting a bad impression and he’ll probably never hire you again or recommend you for others

221. You just can’t make yourself focus on it for some reason

222. Feel bad about it

223. You go to New Orleans so soon

224. This 52 week project is almost over

225. What then

226. YOU GOT THE PIECE OF GLASS OUT OF YOUR FOOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

227. You’re gonna be fine

228. Find a message from someone who read all the weekly entries of this book you put on a secret tumblr every week in case something happened to the Word doc

229. They said they read it all in one night after looking for things to help with their breakup and that it was very inspirational and relatable

230. You want to cry because that’s so encouraging, you have no idea if anyone will care about any of this it’s just something you needed to do and lots of people have made you feel kind of bad like you’re obsessing or thinking about it too much or prolonging hurt

231. It was nice

232. Stay awake accidentally til 4:00am

233. Get up at 8:30

234. Eat a doughnut

235. Go back to sleep for 25 minutes

236. Go to work looking like shit because you cried for 4 hours on the phone with your mom

237. Work

238. Your friend from college picked the date for her wedding!!!!!! It’s September 29th!!!!

239. Get like 100 bucks in tips

240. Be incredibly frustrated because two different managers snapped at you and one apologized but the other one was right before you left and it was so fucking annoying and you wanted to cry and hit something

241. Leave

242. Rush to the gym

243. Work out for 25 minutes

244. Your butt/back leg muscles are sore/tight today for some reason

245. Wait in line for 20 minutes at the bank to deposit a check

246. Sing softly to oldies with another man for like 10 of those minutes

247. Come home

248. Make a stir fry on the stove like a real person

249. Eat pizza crusts out of the trash, just to remind you where you came from

250. Find the song “Pretty Girl” by Clairo

251. Listen to it multiple times

252. Watch many many episodes of The Office

253. Do NO work on the story you should be editing

254. Drink 1 beer

255. Feel sooooo full

256. Eat the LAST fruit snack package! Out of 80!!!!

257. Find out that Kate Spade made a line of “bridal sneakers”

258. No no no no absolutely not

259. Make an Instagram story about how pimples are really just gifts from the Lord

260. Text your friend Gabe for a min

261. Eat some nutella

262. Want to masturbate and take a shower and also already be asleep

263. Drink water

264. Continue watching The Office & drawing

265. Find a video of a TINY little sweet angel girl covering “Creep” by Radiohead with her dad that is HEARTMELTING

266. Stay up toooo late

267. Wake up two different times from nightmares with abusive people

268. Get up for good

269. Eat a warm doughnut

270. Masturbate

271. Start getting dressed for the gym

272. Do some stuff online

273. Listen to lots of pump up songs

274. Stretch

275. Be sad you can’t go to a Superbowl party because you really need to finish editing this story today, but you also didn’t get invited to any sooooooo

276. Decide you’ll eat chips and salsa while you edit

277. Put 20$ on a Metrocard instead of getting an Unlimited because you’re going to New Orleans in 2 days!!!

278. Gym finally

279. Walk for 80 minutes while watching a HILARIOUS episode of Real Housewives of Atlanta

280. Two grown women get in a fight because one saw the other one park in a handicapped parking spot at the mall which was, “shady”

281. The other one yelled back, “I was hanging out with someone who is handicapped, bitch!”

282. They also did a mediation/séance to “clear the elephants in the room” which was…interesting

283. Text with your friend Gabe and he says some WONDERFUL things that are helpful to you

284. He says (gently) that you need to let go of your ego in all this, and it doesn’t matter what your ex-boyfriend is doing/who he is dating/if he still; has feelings for you because it doesn’t matter in your life anymore, you have moved on without him on your own and have grown so much

285. He also listens while you talk about editing your friends story and you realize why you have been putting it off—you’re worried about offending him by doing too many rewrites/how to address ADDING when editing vs. just rearranging/subtracting

286. Home

287. Get annoyed that one of your roommates & her bf is in the living room, this is the third night in a row someone has been dominating that space with their love and you wanted to write in there!

288. Eat chips & salsa and chicken nuggets in the kitchen with your computer

289. Finally start editing!!!

290. Whew it’s hard and you are tired

291. Wish you could just watch The Office and turn off your brain

292. Do the edits!!!

293. It takes a long time and you decide you won’t charge him for all of them because you made him wait so long

294. Email your rewrite with notes

295. Hope he likes it

296. Watch The Office

297. Paint your nails with this new mirror nail polish you got for Mardi Gras that isn’t what you thought but is still cool

298. It smells terrible though

299. Think about packing?

300. Decide to do it tomorrow

301. You have to work from 3:45-10 and work out at some point though

302. Look up how long it will take you to get to Newark

303. Like an hour and a half

304. Feel free from your conversation with Gabe and really feel like you have turned a corner

305. More Office

306. New Orleans so soon! ! ! !

307. !

[stagesofabreakup]

Stages of a Breakup: Week 47

1. Wake up half an hour before your alarm

2. Go back to sleep

3. Wake up an hour and a half AFTER your alarm, which never went off and is still set

4. Be so disoriented you forget your own age for 15 minutes

5. Slowly look at your phone

6. Eat

7. Email the girl you’re doing the poster for you’re gonna be late

8. Get dressed for the gym so you can go after

9. Go to the library

10. Scan and work on the poster

11. It takes a while and is harder than you thought but you finish it

12. She sends you 40 dollars!

13. Rush to meet that guy you have had an emotional saga with at Shake Shack

14. Get there before him, start reading outside

15. He is 45 min late

16. Realize only 15 min can pass of you reading on the ground before you look homeless

17. It is cold and it seeps into your bones

18. Want to leave and cry

19. Try to talk yourself out of your feelings

20. Try to lose yourself in your book (Farenheit 451)

21. Start writing in your journal about it

22. Realize how truly fragile you are right now

23. He comes

24. He apologizes

25. Get a double cheeseburger, fries & a salted caramel milkshake

26. Have a good time talking about rap and comedy

27. He leaves to go to a show

28. Go to the gym

29. Try to return some clothes to Rainbow, they let you come in, wait on line, then tell you the store is closed and to come back tomorrow

30. Work out

31. Get VERY overwhelmed about stand up at the gym

32. Want to cry again

33. Look forward to being home and crying in peace

34. Go home

35. Don’t cry

36. Take a shower

37. Think about drawing

38. Think about watching something

39. Do nothing

40. Drink water

41. Be hungry because you’re trying to do this thing where you don’t eat after midnight

42. Decide never to talk to anyone about your body ever again

43. Listen to an A*Teens song someone posted on your wall you’ve never heard

44. Dance but also feel triggered because those girls are SO thin and no wonder you had an eating disorder

45. Cancel lunch plans you had for today because the thought of rushing anything sounds terrible

46. Read your old fb messages with your ex-boyfriend

47. Be struck by how many of them are him not committing to doing simple shit, like go to events with you

48. Roll your damn eyes

49. Wish you had realized/recognized that sooner

50. Find a message he sent when one of you was traveling where he wrote, “This is the song that’s my alarm I thought you might want a piece of home” and a link to a song that he woke up to every day that you probably heard every day for close to a year

51. Listen to it

52. Feel things

53. They’re not good

54. Call your friend and leave a sad voicemail about said feelings

55. Leave the house

56. Return 49 dollars worth of clothes to Rainbow

57. Catch a 2$ mistake the cashier was making, feel good about that

58. Work out

59. Feel ok & still bad

60. Get cotton balls on the way home at a dollar store (so you can repaint your nails! Something you’ve been wanting to do for w e e k s)

61. Also get a wheel of glitter and some bar soap

62. Shower

63. Finish The Virgin Suicides

64. Start Saved

65. Change

66. Eat a lot of food

67. Spend an hour on the train going to a show

68. Finish Fahrenheit 451

69. It’s eh

70. Some great parts but lacked a mooring interest

71. Start a book about Courtney Love

72. Get to the show

73. It’s light and intimidating

74. Scrap doing jokes because no audience, just give a TED talk about porn instead

75. It goes really well and you have fun and are comfortable and proud of yourself

76. Watch a lady from NPR do a set

77. It’s eh with some highlights (a lot like Fahrenheit 451!)

78. Go out to dinner with your friend and her boyfriend to a Spanish restaurant

79. It’s wayyy fancier than you expected, try to figure out what you will get without spending 30 dollars

80. They tell you he is paying because he sold a TV show to a network!!!

81. Yayyyy

82. They order a lot of tapas and a pitcher of Sangria

83. Have a nice time talking and eating

84. Eat a paella that is too salty

85. Come to learn a lot about the waiter

86. Learn a lot about TV shows and pilots and things

87. Leave

88. Spend more than an hour on the train getting home

89. Read like 100 pages in the Courtney Love book

90. Her life is nuts

91. Finish watching Saved when you get home

92. Paint your nails with this new gel nail polish you got which is stressful

93. Look at all the people who liked your ex-boyfriend’s most recent Instagram

94. Go down a bunch of roads you used to know (like his brother in law/their old friends, etc)

95. Find a girl who you FORGOT about that he told he loved/visited in Colorado while you were dating who he abandoned you when you were on mushrooms to talk on the phone with for 2 hours one time because she said she was gonna kill herself

96. Realize there’s sooooo many women he’s just collecting broken hearts from

97. Vow not to be one of them

98. Start The Boiler Room

99. Lament that you don’t have your TV show dvds with you so you can watch The O.C.

100. Think about doing push ups, mostly for the arm benefits

101. Gym

102. Meet your friend Chad who is New York for a few days in between international travel (he is one of your most impressive friends)

103. Go to eat at a subpar Israeli restaurant that is very cold inside

104. Spend 6 dollars on ONE beer

105. Get not enough fries

106. And have to ask them to heat up this eggplant thing

107. And dry cake

108. Still tip a lot because you work for tips now too and you get it

109. Go back to your friend Rashida’s apartment where he is staying so he can finish packing for MOROCCO

110. Make one bracelet

111. Try to surpise/scare Rashida when she gets home but it backfires and you and Chad just end up waiting silently in the dark for upwards of 10 minutes

112. Rashida sets up a backdrop and lights (she and Chad are both photographers) and you guys take some pics real quick

113. Chad leaves to go to the airport and forgets 1 shoe

114. You and Rashida keep taking pictures

115. You decide not to go to the mic you were going to, take your shirt off, eat some of a weed gummy

116. You do a photoshoot in your sports bra then look at the pictures high which does honestly WONDERS for your self-image

117. Watch 3 episodes of The Office and eat nutella and M&M’s while Rashida edits

118. You both eat buttered bread

119. You make one of the pictures your profile picture, it immedietly isn’t getting enough likes

120. Rashida goes to sleep

121. You watch the ENTIRITY of High School Musical for the first time since you saw it when you were 17

122. Watch 3 more episodes of The Office

123. Go to bed at 4:00am

124. Wake up around 10

125. Rashida is making breakfast

126. Watch more of The Office

127. Check on the prof pic, it’s still not doing the numbers it should be

128. Eat scrambled eggs with vegetables and steak

129. Gym

130. Get texts from two female comic friends from home that someone leaked a post from a secret group you’re all in

131. Be so angry!!!!!!!!

132. Work out anyway even though it’s very difficult to be away from your phone

133. Home

134. Eat sausage out of the trash

135. Shower

136. Feel exhausted

137. Try to get dressed for a show that’s at 8:00pm instead of 10:00pm like you thought

138. Eat a piece of pizza and a Costco granola bar

139. Put on Braveheart

140. Go to the show

141. See a friend

142. Do the show

143. Get free beer

144. Do well

145. Stay to hang

146. Get trapped in a conversation with a man who thinks he should be allowed to murder

147. Get put on the second show

148. Do great!

149. More free beer

150. A girl buys you a drink and says she saw you a year ago (when you were just visiting! Before you lived here!)

151. Go smoke weed in the murder guy’s car (with other people!!!!!!!!!)

152. Drive to Queens?

153. You’re very high

154. Pet a girl’s fur coat

155. Ask if Kanye can be put on like 7 times

156. Finally it works

157. Be happy

158. Get dropped back at the venue

159. TAKE THE TRAIN HOME VERY HIGH

160. It’s after 2:00am and some stops are closed/running on different lines and you navigate all of this while being very scared and unsure of both the world and reality

161. Finally get home

162. Binge eat

163. Which isn’t great because you’ve been trying not to eat/drink alcohol after midnight

164. Tonight you did both

165. Go to sleep

166. Set an alarm to wake up to go to the gym

167. Wake up for it

168. Turn it off and go back to sleep like 3 times

169. Feel terrible

170. Go to work

171. Have an ok time

172. Don’t get to go to the gym

173. One of your managers who you love wants to go drink after work

174. Agree

175. Go out for 2 drinks

176. Go home

177. Set alarm for gym

178. Get up and go

179. Work out

180. Feel wayyy better

181. Fart a lot, like maybe an alarming amount

182. Go to work

183. Scavange food

184. Work from 11:00am-6:00pm

185. Have good groups

186. Make 146$ in tips

187. Home

188. Eat some Chinese food and nutella

189. Phone

190. Braveheart

191. Cry

192. Shower when there was maybe a hope of going out

193. There’s not anymore

194. One of your old friends got engaged

195. Stuff online

196. Eat some chicken nuggets you made in the toaster oven for the first time

197. Burn your hand on the toaster oven

198. Start a review of Braveheart

199. Give up 1/4th of the way through

200. Set an alarm for the gym tomorrow

201. Tomorrow is the end of another week!

202. Tonight was the first night of Carnival and you miss New Orleans but it’s also ok

203. Get up

204. Get to the gym late

205. Only work out for 30 minutes

206. Work

207. Make some $$

208. Leave

209. Go to your friend Molly’s show at UCB East

210. Watch

211. Meet a person you are friends with on Twitter for the first time in real life

212. Hang out with Molly and one of the other comics from the show at the bar, get someone’s free drinks, also get pizza

213. Learn about a Lady Gaga death conapiracy theory

214. Get your chart read

215. Learn your chart has a lot of stability in it and is very masculine

216. Feel excited and happy about the stability part because it makes you feel better about your potential mood disorder thing and also being here

217. Eat an entire gummy bear edible at like midnight

218. SMOKE on top of that

219. Why

220. Go home with Molly because by the time you guys get to the train you’re too high to be by yourself

221. Get to her apartment

222. Watch The Office while she does emails

223. Eat 5-6 bags of JetBlue snack chips she had from a flight and two bags of popcorn and a caramel yogurt bar thing

224. Sleep

225. Sleep

226. Wake up

227. Watch The Office more

228. You’re still high

229. Go to the gym

230. Still high

231. Go to work at 4:00pm

232. Still high

233. You don’t have a group until 5:00pm, which is EXACTLY when it wears off and you’re normal again

234. Lord

235. Get some $$

236. And free fancy doughnuts! And red licorice!

237. Go to a mic with your friend Chris who you work with but have never seen do stand up

238. You both find out the other one is funny

239. Meet a girl who is too friendly

240. Go

241. The trains aren’t running

242. Bus

243. It takes 2 hours to get home a distance that was supposed to be 45 minutes

244. It’s snowing!!!!

245. Home

246. Shower

247. Sleep!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[stagesofabreakup]

Stages of a Breakup: Week 46

1. Wake up around 1:00pm

2. Immediately eat leftover pancakes

3. Talk

4. Make a plan to hang out with the now non-crush friend bro on Sunday

5. Watch some episodes of a YouTube drag talk show called, “Unnhhh”

6. Do a photo shoot with Nate!!!!!!!

7. He suggests you open the refrigerator and take the pictures in there

8. You guys do

9. It’s phenomenal

10. You feel special and goodish in your body

11. Order Chinese food

12. Edit pictures

13. Get food

14. EAT

15. Watch But I’m A Cheerleader for the first time

16. It’s incredible

17. Drink so much whiskey

18. Upload two of the photos you and Nate took

19. They get over a hundred likes in the first hour

20. Feel pretty and like you accomplished something

21. Watch 2 episodes of Ru Paul’s drag race

22. Split up the Chinese leftovers

23. Go home

24. Try to watch the end of XXX

25. Eat half a sandwich out of the trash and 3 bags of fruit snacks

26. More whiskey

27. Feel a little sick

28. Take a shower, wash your hair

29. Try to throw up

30. Can’t

31. Lay down

32. Stress about what time you’ll get up tomorrow cause it’s already 4:32am and there’s a lot you have to do

33. Wake up fine

34. See you have a facebook message from this guy you messaged like a week ago trying to reconnect you haven’t spoken with in literal years, he says he never checks facebook, to text him instead

35. Text him

36. Don’t hear back

37. Read a lot of posts about sexual assault between the Aziz Ansari thing and the theatre you did improv at in New Orleans which is in the midst of a scandal

38. Upload another picture of yourself from the photoshoot with Nate

39. Go to the gym

40. Buy three gel nail polishes for 6 dollars from a man on the street

41. Post about it in a beauty group

42. Get met with a BEAUTY CONSPIRACY THEORY about people who reproduce packaging and formula to sell for less and give you diseases

43. Feel so annoyed!!!!

44. Do three mics

45. Eat two free pizzas and two paid for beers

46. See Molly

47. Talk about the theatre/sexual assault thing in New Orleans

48. Have 1 ok set 2 bad ones

49. Find some abandoned books on a recycling bin

50. Take four of them

51. Including “Dry” by Augusten Burroughs that you read and loved in high school

52. Start re-reading it on the train home

53. Remember it is about an alcoholic living in NYC

54. Time for some self-examination baby!!!!

55. Get home

56. Keep reading

57. Binge eat

58. Drink a little

59. Sleep

60. Wake up with a lot of plans

61. Slowly abandon them all

62. Have a lost day

63. Talk to your dad and Grandma on the phone

64. Don’t leave the house once

65. Slowly get your period

66. But you have an IUD so you never fully get it there’s just a little brown blood hovering around

67. Eat like 15 packs of fruit snacks feverishly

68. Spend all day reading about the sexual assault situation unfolding in your old improv theatre in New Orleans

69. Feel ----------!!!!!!!!!!!!

70. Write a long post

71. Resign yourself to being inside

72. Eat too many chicken nuggets and mac and cheese and some leftover Chinese and a peanut butter and nutella sandwich and three IPA beers which you don’t even really like

73. Talk to one of your best friends from high school on the phone

74. Make a plan to talk to your friend Mary-Devon tomorrow morning on the phone for the first time since she got engaged and you miss her a lot

75. Feel better

76. Watch the new Katt Williams special

77. Love it

78. Write a review

79. Read your ex-boyfriend’s interview with him

80. Look at who shared it

81. One of them is a person who wrote, “My boyfriend does cool stuff”

82. Whoops you found his new girlfriend

83. Feel your stomach drop outside of your body

84. It’s 4:30 in the morning you can’t even call someone to walk you through these emotions

85. Look at her facebook

86. She is hot and thin and has tattoos

87. Her name is Chandler

88. Ugh

89. She’s a chef

90. Ugh

91. She has a chest piece and you remember him telling you he thought a chest piece would look really sexy on you

92. UGH

93. Some of her cover photos are bell hooks quotes

94. Lololol good luck with that!

95. Ugh you try to get out of there

96. She is pretty and thin and that makes you feel

97. Like human garbage

98. You have started your period today and you have a pimple on your chin and your body’s been off and on sweating all day so you’re slippery and gross some places and your hair is that of a fifth grade boy who likes fish sandwiches

99. Write a little in your journal about it

100. Write a snarky tweet you will probably regret

101. Thank Jesus in Heaven above you didn’t text him back so you can feel like you have one ounce of power in this hell of a situation you’re going to encounter in a few short weeks

102. On her profile she made their relationship facebook official but it’s not on his profile

103. Ugh

104. Wonder if his dog likes her

105. Think about them doing all the things you guys did plus more because she likes to cook and is probably outdoorsy or something

106. Wonder if you’re allowed to be mean to her because she’s thin

107. Feel relieved you’re going to talk to Mary-Devon tomorrow who’s met her and will know some things

108. Prep yourself to cry

109. Try not to think about losing a bunch of weight in the next month

110. Health

111. Body positivity

112. Hate this girl and your ex-boyfriend

113. Hope she’s lame and dumb and he’ll never love her the way he loved you

114. Doubt yourself

115. Feel inadequate

116. Remember you have a wonderful and engaging book

117. Also that it’s 5:14am now

118. Decide to leave the computer

119. But not this hell!!!!

120. Ugh

121. Wake up

122. You’re ok and alive!

123. Do laundry!

124. Talk on the phone with your friend Mary-Devon

125. It feels good

126. She tells you that girl is weird

127. And that your bodies aren’t that different

128. Feel roughly 80 times better

129. Laugh with her a lot

130. Catch up on some New Orleans comedy gossip

131. Get dressed

132. Go to work

133. Make some $$$

134. Call like 4 different people on the walk to the train because you want to talk to someone, get no one

135. Home tired

136. Gabe calls back!

137. Talk to your friend Gabe on the phone

138. Decide not to eat because it’s 12:30am

139. Go to sleep!!!!

140. Wake up naturally at like 10:30am!!!!!!!

141. Text with your friends Rachel & Molly about the new gf

142. Feel incredibly comforted after an extensive talk with Rachel about clothes being an extension of ourselves that we control

143. Take out ALL the recycling in your apartment that has been building up for weeks and is a huge pile

144. Find an entire Alaskan salmon and beef filet RAW/ROTTING that was in the bottom of your roommate’s Blue Apron that she never unpacked/found

145. Go to the gym

146. Feel good working out

147. See that there’s a Rainbow across the street from your train stop

148. Head in!

149. Gather a bunch of items to try, realize there’s no dressing room

150. This is your Russian Roulette

151. Buy four pieces WITHOUT TRYING THEM ON

152. Get home

153. Take a shower

154. Finish watch XXX and eat a TUB of salad

155. Try on all the clothes

156. Decide to keep 2, think about the other 2

157. Agree to make a tour poster for someone for money!!!!!

158. You’re worried about getting it done in time, and also the quality, but very excited as well!!!!!

159. Go to work in new leggings

160. Make 85 dollars, meet some beautiful foreign gays

161. Realize you haven’t lived until a beautiful gay man whispers in your ear, “Did my husband tip you?”

162. Pack a lot of free food in cups

163. Ride the train home

164. Your feet hurt so much from standing

165. Cancel escorting at an abortion clinic so you can go to the Women’s March tomorrow with your friend Ariel

166. Be so excited!

167. Prepare yourself for 6 hours of sleep

168. Wake up feeling exhausted but excited

169. Stare into your phone for a solid 15 minutes before being able to physically move

170. Eat weird bean sandwiches you took from work last night for breakfast

171. And some carrots

172. Get dressed

173. Bring your work stuff with you

174. Have one of the most terrible train rides of your time here so far-nothing crazy happened you just felt really claustrophobic and people kept sneezing without covering their noses & someone was wearing a very intense perfume

175. Finally get out of the train

176. Meet Ariel!!!!!!!

177. She gives you feminist pins to wear!!!!!

178. Run into another friend on the train

179. Go to the Women’s March!

180. March for a little

181. Stand for a little

182. See a girl whose boyfriend is a Trump supporter…….get outta here!!!!!

183. Try to march

184. Get thwarted by the police 2 different times

185. Sneak into the Museum of Natural History with your friend Ariel to go to the bathroom

186. Stay

187. Explore in there for a while

188. Leave

189. Rejoin for like another hour

190. Take a stroll through Central Park

191. Get Mexican food!

192. Hang and talk

193. Go to the gym

194. Go to work

195. Do a three hour party

196. Get good tips

197. Have fun!

198. Lose your voice

199. Go home

200. Write a long status about the women’s march at 2:30 in the morning that probably won’t get any likes

201. Text this guy you kind of have a crush on but he is seeing someone else but is taking you out to dinner to apologize for leading you on/misunderstanding/friendship?

202. Feel wayyyy better about this whole thing/seeing your ex-bf/him having a gf

203. Feel honestly grateful to him bc maybe if he hadn’t hurt you so much you wouldn’t have left New Orleans/gotten to New York

204. Be excited for your single life!!!!!!!!!!!

205. Wake up at 10 something

206. Go back to sleep until 1:00

207. Stay in bed

208. Eat cake for breakfast and macaroni and cheese from the trash and leftover Chinese food

209. Have trouble motivating

210. Do bed stuff

211. Go to the gym

212. Return a blue velvet dress to Rainbow across the street

213. Work out but it’s hard

214. Stall there for a long time

215. Go back to Rainbow

216. Get really excited about buying sexy clothes for Mardi Gras

217. Spend 84 dollars

218. Have the female cashier look at what you’re buying and say, “For you?” and when you confirm she says, “It’s not gonna fit it’s too small”

219. Feel awash with too many negative emotions to separate and name

220. Feel robbed of the joy you’ve had about your body for the past three days

221. Swallow some tiny tears

222. Put one thing back

223. Still get the rest

224. Walk home in sadness

225. It’s alright

226. Eat in a way that if drawn in cartoon would look like a sugar tornado

227. Drink a spiked seltzer & 1 beer

228. Text your friend good luck who’s opening for Rory Scovel

229. Finally start at 9:30pm on this poster project you have put off all day

230. Put on Love Actually to watch while you draw

231. The Lord of the Rings

232. Finish somewhere during Lord of the Rings

233. It’s not perfect but it’s ok and you can hopefully clean it up tomorrow on the computer when you scan it in at the library

234. Feel ok

235. Stalk your ex-boyfriend and his new gf on fb a little

236. Feel still ok but less so? But still ok

237. She’s 26 and that’s truly insane because you’re 28 and he’s 37 and you felt like THAT was a big age difference but hey

238. Take a shower which you DESPERATELY need

239. Mentally decide to try on clothes afterwards, also sleep which is key

[stagesofabreakup]

Stages of a Breakup: Week 45

1. Sleep not too late

2. Eat muffins

3. Listen to a podcast your friends did because they said they started to talk about who their bridesmaids would be when they got married and you wanted to see if you made the cut

4. You did!! ☺

5. Take a million years to get dressed

6. Finish watching the last episode of Black Mirror you didn’t realize was the last episode!

7. Get a text from a comic inviting you to watch a show with them, and to do a mic before

8. You accept!!!

9. Write a fb post about stand up comedy and money that gets a lot of likes

10. Hurry to the gym because now you have places to be!

11. Wait for the train because it’s delayed

12. A pipe burst in the subway and it’s just shooting water onto the tracks like a small geyser

13. It doesn’t get fixed

14. Go to the gym

15. Work out a little while watching and episode of Love It or List It that you’ve seen before (which is miraculous because you’ve only seen one and it was this one)

16. Leave to go to the mic

17. Your friend isn’t going but you still wanted to go

18. It’s mostly only men there

19. The host puts you up right away even though you were late which is confusingly nice

20. Have a good set where you talk about porn

21. Watch most of the rest of the mic

22. Leave to go to the show

23. Get in for free by saying you’re a comic which you were nervous about but it went fine!!!

24. Pin hair back and put some mascara on

25. Feel slightly less gross

26. Still smell from the gym & just life

27. Watch show

28. See friend

29. Move to watch show from a better place

30. Know 2 people on the show

31. Run into someone else there

32. Hang after the show at a bar that you threw up and made out with someone the last time you were there

33. Buy the second round of drinks

34. The producer of the show you went to is also the one you had a weird email thing with that was embarrassing

35. She comes to the bar to hang out

36. It’s actually fun and goes well!!!

37. You guys bond over puzzles

38. Ride the train home with your friend who lives near you!

39. Home

40. Eat way too much

41. Be on Facebook wayyyy too long

42. Start watching another episode of The Staircase

43. Think about masturbating

44. Think about taking a shower

45. Think about masturbating in the shower

46. Text your friend Charlie and apologize for never calling him back

47. Sleep

48. Wake up, wander to the kitchen, eat a muffin, put on perfume (?????? Why) go back to sleep

49. Wake up for real later

50. Gym

51. Go late to a mic because getting dressed is hard and anxiety producing, especially when you know you will be on a stage

52. Go up

53. Go to a bar afterwards with a group of other female comics

54. Get a little drunk

55. Get Chinese food with some of them

56. Take the train home

57. Feel GREAT

58. Wake up a little earlier than yesterday

59. Gym

60. Shower

61. Get dressed

62. Drink a beer

63. Eat some frozen asian dinner thing

64. Go to a mic late

65. Sit with Molly

66. Go up

67. Get a burger at a great bar

68. Go to a second mic with Molly and another girl who works at a blog and has a Britney Spears podcast

69. Do well at the mic!!

70. Talk to Molly afterward about LIFE (ever heard of it???) and your trip to New Orleans soon (she is also going back)

71. Take the train home for a long time

72. Snapchat a lil

73. Find out via snapchat your friend is ALSO watching The Staircase! Your ex-boyfriend probably told her about it

74. Decide to watch an ep of it

75. Jk watch like 3 episodes of it which are all an hour, stay up until 6:00am, finally force yourself to stop watching even though you only have 2 left

76. Sleep until 3:00pm

77. Get up

78. Eat a sandwich you made in the toaster oven

79. Go to the gym

80. Walk for an hour

81. You go girl!

82. Think about the worst things that could happen on your trip to New Orleans, accept that even if all of them happen, you’ll still have a good time and be ok

83. Go to the last night of an open mic that’s ending

84. Go up in the first group

85. Have fun

86. Have a respectable set

87. Remeet people

88. Get free wine and pizza

89. “Hang”

90. Walk to the train with a friend after getting like 3 different really nice compliments

91. Decide to watch another episode of The Staircase even though you have to get up in less than 8 hours for a 15 hour shift

92. Wake up

93. Woof it’s rough (ruff)

94. Eat a weird breakfast of mostly cheese

95. Unintentionally watch only the sex scene of XXX

96. Get dressed in old underwear for like the 4th time this week because you need to do laundry but there’s no time anywhere

97. Go to work

98. Build a desk!!!!!!!!!!!

99. Get very surprised by a white man from Connecticut you work with who was so open and happy to teach and learn and do physical projects with you

100. Learn about track lights

101. Make 42 dollars in tips

102. Eat food a child left behind

103. Laugh

104. Feel good

105. Do your second shift

106. Feel exhausted

107. Get almost no tips

108. Ask to go home 30 min early

109. Take the last two alcoholic seltzers from the work fridge you’re allowed to take

110. Have three different people tell you how you can “change your script” to get more tips

111. Leave at 12:43am

112. Call your friend Charlie

113. Make a plan to hang out tomorrow at 8:00pm when you get off of work

114. Be tired just thinking about it

115. Spend what feels like a long time waiting for the train but is actually probably only 15 minutes

116. Get home

117. Poop

118. Open/drink one of the alcoholic seltzers

119. HAVE A PACKAGE WAITING FOR YOU FROM YOUR DAD

120. IT’S A BOOK FROM YOUR LOCAL BOOKSTORE AND A SEPHORA GIFT CARD AND A VERY SWEET NOTE THAT CONGRATULATES YOU ON FOLLOWING YOUR DREAMS

121. Almost cry

122. Send him a thank you email instead of calling because it’s 2:00am

123. Find the Demi Lovato documentary online

124. Try to decide if you want to watch that or The Staircase Part II

125. Demi

126. It’s truly nuts

127. Her voice is incredible

128. She is 5 years sober at 25

129. You’re 28 and have never owned any property or a car

130. It’s fine

131. Wake up

132. Go to work for 10ish more hours

133. Get good tips!!!

134. Have a really fun shift!!!

135. Get a free piece of cake!!

136. Call your brother back while you’re walking to the train

137. Talk to him outside in the cold for 2.5 hours

138. It is an amazing conversation

139. He tells you things about himself during high school you never knew

140. You share some stuff as well

141. Your hands are numb

142. Finally get off the phone

143. Call Charlie

144. Agree to meet at your house

145. It takes him more than an hour and a half to get there

146. You almost fall asleep

147. Clean your room

148. Eat

149. Charlie asks if he can stay over

150. You say “duh”

151. Watch some of The Staircase II

152. Charlie comes!!!

153. Talk & drink

154. Laugh

155. Change for bed

156. Put on Swordfish

157. Wonder if you guys are going to hook up or cuddle or anything

158. You don’t

159. It’s nbd and so fun

160. Sleep

161. Get up

162. Charlie has to go to work or something

163. Aziz Ansari sexually assaulted someone

164. Laze around for a bit

165. Take a shower

166. Get a brilliant idea

167. Try to write it out

168. Call your friend Ariel to talk it out

169. Finish it, post it

170. Be late to brunch at your friend Nate’s house

171. Get there!

172. Eat the most amazing meal of: buckwheat banana pancakes with carmalized bananas and nutella, massaged lemon kale salad, bacon, baked beans!!!, scrambled eggs, sauted mushrooms and espresso martinis

173. Have so much fun with Nate and Rashida

174. Get threatened by Nate’s downstairs neighbor

175. Miss the Saints viewing party you were supposed to go to at a friend’s cousin’s apartment for the playoff game

176. The Saints lose really marginally

177. Start Inside Man

178. Hang out and talk

179. Dance

180. SING SONGS and record them

181. Freestyle a lot of songs about: séances, mermaids, tortilla chips, drones

182. You guys sing a serious one and cry

183. Have an embarrassing and kind of painful but ultimately good texting conversation with this guy you’ve had a crush on where he says he’s seeing someone but also apologizes for unintentionally leading you on and acknowledges that he finds you attractive and was definitely flirting at times and respects you a lot

184. Feel ok

185. Order Dominos as a group

186. Run in the cold to pick it up

187. Bring it home

188. Find that they really fucked up the order

189. Call, get free replacement wings

190. Eat everything

191. Rashida leaves

192. Finish watching Inside Man

193. Sleep at Nate’s

194. Go to bed at 6:30am

[stagesofabreakup]

Stages of a Breakup: Week 44

1. Stay in bed all day

2. Watch 3-4 movies

3. Rachel comes over!!!!

4. Talk and squeal for a while

5. Eat buffalo chicken eggrolls and fruit snacks and beers

6. Catch up about some sexual assault stuff!!!!

7. She leaves to go home & pack

8. Watch more movies

9. Masturbate in the shower

10. Cum so hard you black out a little

11. Write a long and angry post about a YouTube vlogger who exploited someone’s suicide for views on his channel

12. Sleep

13. Movies

14. Feel bad you haven’t been working out

15. Eat avocado toast for like the 6th morning in a row because you got a bag of them at Costco and you’re worried they’re gonna go bad like the bananas

16. Finally buy someone a Christmas/birthday gift who sent you one

17. Email your mom about paying a bill that she’s been asking about for a while

18. STILL look at your ex-boyfriend’s facebook page and feel sad then mad at yourself for caring when he clearly doesn’t and has moved on

19. Try not to convince yourself that if you were thinner he’d love you

20. Fail

21. Try to be kind to yourself

22. Try not to hate and not love him, some less feelings would be nice

23. Feel that everyone wants you to move on/thinks it’s kind of sad you’re still hung up on it

24. Want to cry

25. STILL miss him

26. Think about seeing him at Mardi Gras

27. Cry because a Ke$ha song came on

28. Miss New Orleans so much it hurts

29. Cry some more

30. Watch the movie Whatever It Takes

31. Look up pictures of Jodi Lyn O’Keefe

32. Finally go to the gym

33. Work out

34. Remember that arbitrary probably made up quote from Sex and the City that it takes half the time of a relationship to get over it, and think that the relationship was two years and you haven’t been broken up a year yet

35. Feel a little better

36. Go to Barnes N’ Noble to get a planner for half off now that the new year has begun (hot tip!)

37. Look through some, find a good one that’s camo deer

38. Receive a text from your ex-boyfriend when you turn the data on on your phone to send a picture of bridal wedding planning books to your friend

39. He asks if you’ve seen a docu series set/filmed in your hometown about a famous murder that was there

40. You feel weird

41. Don’t respond

42. Buy the planner and a cute book about famous bald people for your dad

43. Go to a mic

44. Meet a beautiful gay from LA

45. Have a good set

46. See the guy you have been texting

47. It’s slightly weird

48. Realize you’re not good at crushes because you can’t live in the ambiguity they require

49. Also you’re probably not ready for anything with men right now

50. Go home

51. Look up and start watching the documentary series he asked about

52. Eat pesto pasta, a leftover fourth of a burrito, calamari salad, and Nutella

53. Masturbate

54. Feel connected to your ex-boyfriend in this weird way because you’re watching the thing he recommended you can imagine him watching it/you guys watching it together, then it feels like you’re back there

55. Wake up

56. Feel sexy

57. Dance in your room

58. Tweet about dancing & feeling sexy

59. Go to the gym

60. Shower while drinking

61. Watch a little more of Obsessed, drink a little more

62. Eat dumplings and have another beer

63. Go to an open mic

64. Get there late

65. Sign up

66. Go up in the last group

67. Feel very intimidated and nervous the whole time

68. See some people you know

69. See your friend’s husband you don’t like

70. He goes up

71. He isn’t funny

72. You feel validated in not liking him

73. Then feel bad for thinking that

74. Leave

75. Go the wrong way on your second train home

76. Get home

77. Eat 9 mini buffalo chicken eggrolls from Costco

78. Realize you have an entire cluster of bananas that are about to go bad

79. Decide to make banana bread

80. Switch it to banana muffins because there isn’t a bread pan/tray thing in your house

81. Put off making them because you’re worried you won’t have all the ingredients and something will go wrong

82. Watch more of the murder mystery doc set in your hometown (The Staircase)

83. Make 2 batches of the muffins to use all the bananas, one with raisins one without

84. They turn out good!!!!

85. You eat too many and feel full

86. Go through hundreds of your photos on Facebook

87. Find the fb account of a friend you used to kind of be in love with but also really good friends you forgot about/had a weird ending with

88. Read through all your messages with them which were shockingly deep/intimate

89. Message him “Hi!” at 4:45am

90. Go to bed at 5:00am

91. Get woken up by your dad and Grandma calling

92. FaceTime them a little

93. Eat a muffin

94. See there’s been a snowstorm outside!

95. Call the gym to see if they have normal hours secretly hoping they both do and do not

96. They do

97. Plan to write with your friend Molly later

98. Switch over to your new planner you bought!

99. Request 10 days off work for Mardi Gras

100. Realize you’re missing Chewbacchus which is your favorite parade

101. Cry

102. Cry

103. Cry

104. Realize you’re also gonna be in New Orleans for Valentine’s Day

105. Laugh & laugh & laugh

106. Remember you haven’t ordered your brother’s Christmas present yet

107. Look up box sets of Hey Arnold on dvd

108. Get dressed to go to the gym

109. Your brother calls

110. You guys have an initially good, then slowly deteriorative conversation that leaves you upset

111. Work out

112. Try to go to a friend’s house but get thwarted by a shitty bus driver & the weather

113. Go home

114. Eat red vegetable curry and chicken nuggets

115. Watch things

116. Text that guy

117. Stay up way too late

118. Wake up way too early

119. Have a great shift

120. Meet a guy from Lafayette!

121. Eat

122. Get a group at the last minute and ten dollars

123. Gym

124. Home

125. Start the fourth season of Black Mirror you didn’t realize you were putting off because you watched all the other ones with your ex-boyfriend

126. You still haven’t texted him back yet

127. Kind of decide you won’t

128. It’s made you feel good to have some power these last few days

129. A welcome change

130. Take a shower

131. Drink 2 beers

132. Floss (you haven’t been writing that but you’ve been doing it)

133. See a mouse for the fourth time in your apartment

134. Start using your new planner

135. Work again

136. Get 101 dollars in tips total

137. Go to the gym

138. Forget that they close at 7:00pm on Saturdays

139. Work out for 7 minutes

140. Go home

141. Try to meet up with your friend Charlie but it doesn’t work out because of both of you

142. Watch another episode of Black Mirror

143. Drink?

144. Masturbate to some really good literotica

145. Stay up until 4:00am

146. Sleep until 2:00pm

147. Eat some muffins and mac & cheese

148. Get to the gym

149. Buy a 16 dollar bottle of cheap bourbon from a liquor store you didn’t know was right by your house

150. Talk to your dad on the phone

151. Don’t watch The Golden Globes

152. Get like 10+ followers on Twitter because of a follow thread in a women’s facebook group

153. Feel both empty and ok

154. Have a revelation at the gym about how if someone is looking for validation from their romantic relationships they’ll never be satisfied but if they’re whole and they just love the other person for who they are not what they can give them, they will

155. Think about texting your ex-boyfriend a lot of times

156. Know that you don’t really want to/it won’t change anything

157. Be dying to see what his new tattoo says, it looks stupid

158. Worry that people won’t be able to connect to these lists

159. What if this is all for naught?

160. Drink 2 good beers

161. Watch another episode of Black Mirror

162. Try not to think about when you have to move apartments again in March and how you’ll do it

163. Eat like 15 bags of fruit snacks and 9 chicken nuggets

[stagesofabreakup]

Stages of a Breakup: Week 43

1. Wake up

2. It’s Christmas!

3. Open your cards by your roommate’s tree

4. Read the newspaper comics your dad sent

5. Get dressed really fast

6. Go to your mom’s cousin’s apartment

7. See a black squirrel

8. Almost cry on the train

9. Feel sad

10. Get there

11. Feel better

12. Dance in the kitchen to a 2003 era playlist your cousin has on her ipod

13. Get a glass of wine

14. Eat quiche and salad and cookies and fruit

15. Get gifts which you didn’t expect at all!

16. THEY ARE REALLY GOOD GIFTS

17. THEY ARE SEPHORA MAKEUP AND EXPENSIVE SKINCARE STUFF THAT FEELS FANCY

18. And gloves that work on your phone!!!!

19. You’re shocked at how good the gifts are

20. Get sleepy on the couch

21. Call your family on speakerphone, everyone talks

22. Hitch a ride to Brooklyn

23. Get dropped off in front of your door

24. Facetime your family

25. They are playing a Jeopardy boardgame

26. Play with them for a little

27. Try not to cry

28. Fail

29. Feel for the first time sadness and regret that you didn’t go home

30. Say goodbye

31. Contemplate going to a friend’s house for “mulled wine, desserts and board games” which sounds lovely but you’re really tired

32. Get a call from your brother

33. Answer

34. Talk to him for 2 hours +

35. It’s really nice

36. He tells you the only time it felt like Christmas was when you Facetimed in

37. Feel ok that you didn’t go

38. Draw

39. Decide not to go out again

40. Watch movies

41. Sleep

42. Wake up early, travel an hour and 18 minutes to see your friend in Queens

43. Arrive

44. Have a reunion with her dog and a neighbor’s dog she’s taking care of

45. Watch Amazing Race and drink a beer with her in the bathroom while she cleans

46. She orders and pays for an extensive beautiful Italian lunch for you both

47. Move to the living room

48. Watch Amazing Race on the big TV and eat: breaded chicken cutlet with lemon and garlic, fresh bread, linguine with clams, roasted vegetables, salad with parmesan and walnuts and spaghetti carbonara

49. Back to the bathroom

50. Watch until you have to leave

51. She packs up and sends the leftovers home with you

52. Give her the Christmas card you wrote

53. Have a quick catch up chat about how it isn’t good for you to have goals and how talking to your ex-boyfriend from college lifted a weight you didn’t know was there and how you mostly feel bad for your ex-boyfriend’s new girlfriend and how you lost respect for him

54. She agrees

55. You leave, head into Manhattan to volunteer at a church that feeds the homeless

56. Meet a woman who is overly touchy, tells you you look exactly like her ex-daughter in law, asks if you’re in school, how old you are, what your sign is (“Cause you seem like a Virgo”) and in general makes you uncomfortable

57. Feed around 200 people

58. Leave

59. Go to an open mic that’s 15 minutes away

60. Sign up

61. Get threatened from stage by a guy

62. Go up

63. Do fine

64. Hang out and talk with the friend you met there and a guy you both know and ran into

65. Have fun

66. Wait until the other mic (the one you meant to come for) starts

67. Go up

68. Have a rocky set where you try to talk about roller derby but they’re not really having it

69. Feel weird

70. Leave the mic with your friend Molly to go to her house and watch screeners her boyfriend got

71. Get sushi and ice cream on the way

72. Watch The Disaster Artist and Lady Bird

73. Have feelings about both of them!!!

74. Talk

75. Look up a rash Molly’s boyfriend has that looks like Lyme disease or cellulitus

76. Sleep on their couch

77. Wake up

78. Hang around for a while

79. Publish a tweet that goes semi-viral

80. Go home

81. Make plans to work out and do lots of productive things

82. Stay in bed drinking beers/watching movies for a few hours

83. Clean your room finally!

84. Group text with some friends from home

85. Eat a lot of frozen Costco appetizers

86. Text with a friend about a possible name for the podcast you want to start about masturbation

87. Want to text the comic you have a crush on

88. Don’t

89. Feel undesirable

90. Live with it

91. Make a Venn Diagram of The Mask and The Grinch that’s mostly just a flat circle

92. Try to sleep

93. Work

94. Work

95. Have a very frustrating day where you try to navigate a sexist co-worker and a new business figuring itself out

96. Meet one of your best friends from home after work!!!!!!!

97. Drink beers

98. Watch The Social Network

99. Talk talk talk

100. He tells you about someone he loves who is undocumented and you remember how lucky you really are

101. Exchange Christmas cards

102. Realize you agreed to volunteer somewhere at 7:00am the next morning that’s an hour away

103. Set an alarm at 2:00am for 5:00am

104. Wake up at 5:00am

105. Try to decide what the right thing to do it

106. Send an email cancelling

107. Go back to sleep

108. Sleep !!!!!!

109. Work out

110. Go to work

111. Sleep

112. Go to work again

113. Get a 56 dollar tip

114. Change a board by yourself for the first time

115. Feel great and competent and proud

116. Get a text from one of your best friends that she’s engaged

117. Gasp out loud

118. Call her outside

119. Cry

120. Without gloves

121. You’re only on the phone for 9 minutes but your hand is numb by the end of the conversation

122. She tells you there was a romantic scavenger hunt and all their friends were clues

123. Your ex-boyfriend was one of the clues

124. You can’t stop crying partially because you’re so happy for them but partially because you’re so sad to be far away and not a part of this

125. Ask her why one of the clues wasn’t to come to New York

126. Say congratulations to her fiancé!!!!

127. Get off the phone

128. Take the subway home

129. Cry more

130. Keep crying when you get home

131. Regret moving for the first time

132. Put on a movie (Taking Lives)

133. Get dressed to go out because it’s New Year’s Eve!

134. Go to your friend Molly’s parents’ apartment

135. It’s so beautiful and there’s so much free food & booze

136. Do edibles with her dad and some of his friends

137. Dislike three people at the party very intensely

138. Walk outside to see the firweorks in the park at midnight

139. They are beautiful and you have a moment with a tree because you’re very high

140. Drink champagne outside

141. Start a group sing-a-long to Auld Lang Syne while people walk home

142. Do a group new years chant in the lobby of their building with everyone

143. Kiss no one

144. But it’s ok

145. Feel good

146. Feel happy and generous

147. See a girl whose mom died this year crying, feel very sad for her

148. Go back up to the party

149. Stay there until 5:00am

150. Think you broke her dad’s phone

151. Freak out

152. Find out it was already broken

153. FLOOD with relief

154. Get a text from a boy you have been crushing on a little at 3:48am saying Happy new year

155. Text with him a little

156. Get driven home by friends

157. Sleep

[stagesofabreakup]

Stages of a Breakup: Week 42

1. Wake up feeling empty

2. No Costco trip

3. What will you do for Christmas?

4. What is money

5. Work out

6. Make a plan to go to a mic with a girl you haven’t met yet

7. Stay home and watch The Office instead

8. Decide to make Christmas cookies at like 1:00am

9. Substitute like 5 different ingredients because you didn’t have all of them in your house

10. They’re only ok tasting, but you feel a lot better for making them

11. Go to your last day at your dance studio easy money job

12. Watch Christmas adjacent movies on HBO Go

13. Gym

14. Get up ungodly early to go to a screening an hour away at a friend of a friend’s apartment that promised free pizza

15. Get offered a beer as soon as you walk in, immediately feel better

16. Take an orange juice first but feel comforted knowing the beer is there

17. Meet everyone/talk for a while

18. Eat pizza

19. Drink 2 glasses of orange juice

20. Watch the movie/play

21. Have a talkback

22. Say things that people seemed to respect

23. Eat apple pie with ice cream

24. Drink a beer

25. Make a friend who worked at Disney in Malaysia

26. Listen to a lot of theatre stories

27. Leave with a group

28. All walk to the train together/get on the same train

29. Lose respect for the guy who made the movie you liked 2 seconds ago because he makes three rapid fire sexist comments/feel like he’s hitting on you

30. Be shocked when, after he gets off at the next station, your friend tells you that’s the guy she’s been in love with for three years

31. Say bye to her a few stops later after getting all the hot goss

32. Go to the gym

33. Shower

34. Change

35. Go to a show at a pizza place

36. They all came to the show

37. Get a free slice and beer

38. Buy another two dollar beer

39. Have an ok set

40. Feel rusty but good

41. Sit with your friend who is leaving after her set to get on a bus to go home for Christmas

42. Eat the rest of the pizza she leaves when she goes

43. Talk to the people after for a min

44. Go home

45. Wake up early and travel an hour to your friend’s house to hang with her and her parents (in town for the holidays-you grew up with them) because you’re missing her party tonight

46. Have 2 glasses of wine and lots of cheese and a biscuit with jam

47. Feel happy

48. Give her a Christmas card you wrote

49. Get hissed at by her cat who’s a real big personality

50. Leave to get to your job

51. Take a beautiful picture of the city from the overpass by the train station

52. Be 20 minutes late to your job

53. Have your first real shift at the axe throwing job

54. Work 4 groups back to back without a break

55. Get 40 dollars in tips which isn’t bad on top of the 13/hr you’re already getting

56. Feel way better about the job/competent

57. Get a free beer after your shift

58. Find out that you get half off all drinks sold at the bar

59. There’s a lot of free penne vodka pasta too that you eat cold out of a cup

60. Listen to a co-worker and one of your managers tell drinking stories back and forth that are just them blacking out/peeing on themselves

61. Miss New Orleans where people know how to drink

62. Go home

63. Wake up early to go to Costco

64. Hear an earful from your mom’s cousin who doesn’t think this job is safe/good enough

65. Feel stressed out

66. Spend 246 dollars at Costco-the most money you’ve ever spent at one time/in one place

67. Feel both proud and disgusted

68. Eat

69. Get ready

70. Go to a holiday party your friend Gaby invited you to

71. Arrive, feel disconcerted because you can’t find your friend and don’t know anyone else there

72. See someone you know

73. Relax

74. Put your coat down

75. Get food

76. See friends

77. Sing carols!!!!!!

78. You didn’t know that would be a big missing piece of the holidays for you but it was

79. Decide to sleep over at Gaby’s since her girlfriend got her wisdom teeth out and is staying at her parents’ house

80. Travel another hour

81. Talk with your friend on the train about ideas/catch up

82. Fall asleep watching Bad Santa in front of a beautiful REAL tree

83. Wake up

84. Drink Coquito (your first time having it!!!)

85. Watch an episode of Friends then Bad Santa 2

86. Fall asleep?

87. Get dressed

88. Head to a bar to watch a football game

89. Get sidetracked by a barbershop where Gaby wants to get a haircut before Christmas

90. Go in

91. Wait for like 40 min

92. Call your mom

93. Go to the bar

94. Get a good burger and fries

95. Drink 2 Christmas beers (Mad Elf) that are 11%

96. Get a lil drunk

97. Hear a white woman talking about voting for Trump

98. Watch some football

99. Leave

100. DANCE at Gaby’s apartment

101. Share songs

102. Leave to meet a comic doing a toy drive

103. Travel from Washington Heights to Brooklyn (an hour)

104. Meet him at his apartment

105. Eat homemade pie

106. Take the presents on the train to the hospital (in Washington Heights- an hour)

107. Talk and laugh

108. Go into the pediatric ICU

109. Drop off presents

110. Learn that the security is really intense because “a lot of people stole babies in the 80’s” and that that’s what a “code pink” is

111. Get offered food

112. Turn it down (a first!!!!!) because you’re shy and don’t want to take from doctors and nurses

113. Go back to Brooklyn (an hour!!!)

114. Text with the comic the whole time

115. Keep texting him until almost 5:00am

116. Realize you have a crush on him

117. Buy him a bowtie on Etsy for 9.00 dollars when he says he hasn’t gotten a Christmas present since he was eleven

118. Sleep

[stagesofabreakup]

Stages of a Breakup: Week 41

1. Eat macaroni and cheese out of the trash

2. Your roommate keeps throwing away perfectly good food, even though you’ve told her to let you know if she doesn’t want it because you’re very poor right now and you’ll eat it

3. She doesn’t, so you have been taking stuff out of the trash and eating it

4. Set an alarm to wake up early because you’re supposed to go into work early before a party you’re working tonight

5. Your boss emails you telling you they don’t need you

6. Feel like this isn’t good and worry you’re going to be fired

7. Watch lots of episodes of The Office

8. Make a fake Top 9 end of the year Instagram post in photoshop that’s all dead birds

9. It doesn’t do as well as you think it should

10. Go to the gym

11. Buy a Jamaican beef patty and whole pizza because you have no groceries at your house

12. Don’t shower

13. Think about going to a mic

14. Masturbate

15. Start drinking at 1:30am by yourself

16. Feel excited then sad

17. Miss your friends from New Orleans

18. Finish a jar of Nutella that was mostly done already

19. Eat more pizza

20. Steal a glass of wine from a bottle in the living room that’s been open on the bar forever

21. Close the laptop around 4:30am

22. Go to a friend’s recording of their half hour

23. Be the only audience member

24. Go to a show with her afterwards

25. Eat a free half of a cheeseburger and fries with very good pickles

26. See a guy who was the white guy on the Real World sketch on Chappelle’s Show

27. Be starstruck!!!

28. See a famous-ish person you know struggle to have a good set

29. Feel comforted in that knowledge

30. Walk home

31. Check your phone bleary-eyed at 9:00am when you wake up

32. See a tweet where your ex-boyfriend refers to someone as his girlfriend

33. Wake up

34. Cry

35. Feel completely overwhelmed

36. Call your mom even though you have kind of been avoiding her since your fight

37. Cry and cry

38. Feel better

39. Go to work

40. Watch Stick It and The Bone Collector on someone’s HBO Go that was logged into your work computer

41. Library

42. Gym?

43. Work again

44. College theatre alum drinks meetup

45. Hear people caroling inside

46. Get a free beer and shot from the owner of the bar

47. Break a pepper shaker

48. Find out your ex-boyfriend is really dating someone new, it’s not just an easy way to refer to the girl he was hooking up with when you were in an open relationship

49. Decide not to get the name/stalk

50. Lose respect for him

51. Feel bad for her

52. Unless she’s prettier than you & you will just hate her

53. Cry cry cry

54. Talk on the phone with a friend while you’re texting a different friend at the same time

55. Be comforted by women

56. Feel ok

57. Sleep

58. Take a bus to Boston for a surprise party for a friend!!!!

59. Try to draw on the bus but it’s very bumpy

60. Text

61. Watch fb videos for over an hour

62. Be 45 minutes late

63. BOSTON!!!!!

64. You haven’t been back here since you were in college?

65. See a BEAUTIFUL huge fat pink Christmas tree at Macy’s

66. TAKE THE T!!!!!!

67. Sit next to a man you would like to talk to but don’t

68. Walk 13 minutes in the freezing cold because you missed a bus

69. SEE YOUR FRIENDS

70. Uber to the restaurant immediately because you have a reservation

71. Go to a fancy French dinner with them that they PAY FOR

72. Eat bone marrow for the first time

73. Have underwhelming salmon

74. But overwhelming bread!!!

75. Almost take a shot of whiskey out of the bone marrow bone, decide not to be a caricature of yourself

76. Get invited to Christmas with your friend John’s family

77. Feel happy and grateful and touched

78. Talk too much about yourself

79. Remember things

80. Feel good

81. Take the T back to their apartment

82. TWO of their friends (different) get engaged that night

83. They get a text from your college ex-boyfriend saying he won’t be able to make it to the party tomorrow

84. Feel quietly disappointed

85. Learn who Shea Serrano is

86. Read a little of his book about Basketball

87. Like it/him a lot

88. Use a fancy skin cream/oil

89. Sleep

90. Watch an episode of The Sopranos!!!!! Which you forgot about!!!!

91. Paint your nails all different colors

92. Go get vegan tacos with your friend John

93. Talk about a lot of things

94. He pays for them, which is the kindest thing in the whole world

95. Eat

96. Your friend gets the text, “Do you think you’ve already Vanilla Sky’d yourself?” during lunch from your college ex-boyfriend that makes you remember how funny and unique he is

97. Find out he has a twitter

98. Memorize the handle for later

99. Help prep for party

100. Go to surprise party house

101. Help prep for party

102. Hang streamers and tie balloons to chairs and make a Cheeto bar and custom signs for custom drinks at the whiskey station

103. See a close friend you had a falling out with but then it was ok but it’s still a little weird but feels like it could be good

104. SURPRISE

105. Have fun at the party

106. Eat a million delicious things, mostly turkey pesto wraps and Buffalo Chicken dip

107. Drink maybe 3 whiskey gingers

108. Buy a bus ticket for 2:15am that night because you have to be at work in like 15 hours

109. Dance

110. Hear a Kate Nash song about birds that’s oddly fun and insightful and sweet

111. Leave party

112. Talk with friends at home for a while

113. Ask if they think your college ex-bf is mad at you

114. They don’t think so?

115. Light Hanukkah candles

116. They go to sleep

117. Do dishes

118. Pack

119. Write in journal

120. Call Uber

121. Get on bus

122. Try to sleep

123. Get woken up by someone’s KPop ringtone that is SO LOUD and goes on for MINUTES before you have to WAKE THIS GIRL UP so she can turn off her fucking phone

124. Be grumpy

125. Look through your college ex-boyfriend’s entire twitter

126. Feel some type of way

127. Wish you guys could be friends/that he was at the party

128. Sleep maybe 2 hours

129. Get into NY at 9:00am

130. See a woman LOSING HER SHIT at the bus agents because she missed her bus and they didn’t help her

131. Stay in the subway station for an hour because it’s warm and you can’t go to work yet

132. Go to work

133. Work

134. Feel ok

135. Get 18 dollars in tips, lead 2 groups

136. Go home

137. Eat

138. Fall asleep at 7:00pm

139. Wake up at 11:30pm

140. Be on your phone

141. Watch Snatched

142. Eh

143. Sleep

[stagesofabreakup]

Stages of a Breakup: Week 40

1. Do laundry for the third time since moving

2. Feel indebted to your grandmother for keeping jars of quarters everywhere

3. Spend too much money on Chinese food

4. Gym

5. Go to an acquaintances Queer Film Theory show in the bar of a movie theatre in a shopping mall where people offer queer readings of straight media

6. The entries included: Dragon Ball-Z, Pitch Perfect 1, Motocrossed and Lord of the Rings

7. Have fun but feel weird afterwards when you try to say congratulations to the host, he seems uncomfortable to talk to you and like he thinks you want something from him?? But you don’t you just thought the show would be cool and it was

8. Leave feeling weird

9. Go to a show in the rain

10. Go first, have an ok set

11. The host got realy drunk and gives you another drink ticket because you ask for it

12. Spend too much money on beer

13. Hang out with another comic on the show who did a screen test for SNL this year but didn’t get it

14. He is very funny though

15. Flirt with him? Who can tell what’s going on really

16. He decides to leave pretty suddenly, you guys walk to the train station which is closed

17. Find the bus

18. Get on it immedietly, leave him in the street

19. It’s not even the right bus so you have to get off and change later

20. Something is wrong, a lot of subway stations are closed, it takes a while to get home

21. Work

22. Rush to your first training for your axe throwing job

23. You get there really late, everything is basically done

24. Feel terrible

25. See the guy who was rude to you

26. He tries to talk to you

27. You say hi and mostly ignore him

28. Ask your friend if he’s doing anything after

29. He’s going to a show in Manhattan

30. Go with him

31. Realize you know one of the producers

32. Watch the show

33. Say bye at the end

34. Introduce yourself to one of the other comic’s on the show, you were on a show with her earlier in the month

35. She offers to split an Uber back to Crown Heights with you

36. You do

37. They can’t drop you off at your house so she’s going to buy you another one home

38. Go up to her apartment while she’s doing that

39. End up talking and hanging out for a while

40. Meet her roommate who is a dominatrix

41. Hear many stories and even see some videos of the men who come to see her

42. Smoke weed

43. Eat a bagel with cream cheese

44. Watch an episode of Big Mouth

45. Hear so many cool stories of her close personal comedian friends, including Dave Chappelle

46. Freak out a little

47. Understand a The Color Purple reference

48. Leave at 4:30am happy and tired

49. Go home

50. Sleep

51. Work

52. Rush to your other job for ‘friends and family’ night

53. Only like 4 of your friends come out of like 20 you invited

54. That ends up being more manageable and better

55. Successfully show them how to throw axes

56. Get two tips

57. Clean up

58. Go out after with your friend Charlie

59. Go to an expensive-ish bar that is closing

60. Go to a way better dive bar that is not closing

61. Eat a million trays of free popcorn

62. Drink 3-4 beers

63. Go home

64. Babysit a child

65. Have a weird power struggle over opening the mail

66. Get 110 dollars and some free cookies

67. Get an amazing email saying you don’t need to escort in Jamaica Plains at 7:00 in the morning the next day because it’s gonna snow

68. Go to a comedian holiday party thrown by the woman you had a really weird encounter with

69. Drink a million beer/shot combos

70. Be in some photobooths

71. Obnoxiously remind the DJ he hasn’t played a single Kanye song since you got here 2 hours ago

72. Dance

73. Try to fix your hair in the unisex bathroom that is just a bunch of stalls and a trough with a mirror over it

74. Feel disgusting

75. Take off your turtleneck underneath your dress because even though there’s snow outside, it’s 1 million degrees in here

76. Run into a lot of people

77. Feel unsettled

78. Go to another bar after, this comic you have a crush on comes

79. Throw up in the bathroom

80. Make out with a different guy in front of him then fall asleep on that guy’s lap

81. Your friend Molly buys you an Uber home

82. Throw up again when you get there

83. Feel TERRIBLE

84. Pass out

85. Lose the entire next day to shame and a stomachache

86. Feel weird that you kissed your kind of friend

87. Stay inside all day

88. Go to a show called “Strangers” where the host has never met anyone on the show

89. Have a very awkward conversation with a comic who turned out to not be funny that was like pulling teeth

90. See some people who were funny

91. Have a set that wasn’t as good as you wanted, feel bad

92. Hang out after and meet people/talk about sexual assault

93. Drink nothing

94. Go home

[stagesofabreakup]

Stages of a Breakup: Week 39

1. Library

2. Gym

3. Go to your friend’s house to try to write monologue jokes for a packet that’s due later in the week

4. Go to a show with her

5. Eat a piece of pizza with pasta on it

6. Spend 9 dollars on two pieces of pizza which is fiscally irresponsible but delicious

7. Have a good set at the show

8. Go out with people after the show

9. Try to get drunk off two drinks

10. You cannot

11. See an angel of a woman put a man in his place after he groped he friend after their pool game

12. Leave

13. Training for your new job as an Axpert at an axe throwing company in Brooklyn (lol, of course)

14. Walk home with one of the other trainees who lives across the street from you

15. Stop in a bar with him

16. Get drinks

17. Go to a different bar

18. Get more drinks and play video games

19. Meet a man named Excel

20. Go to the library with him, check out White Oleander

21. Get pizza

22. Go to his house to eat it

23. Watch a particularly sad episode of Parks & Rec

24. Talk outside in their backyard with him & his roommate for a while

25. Walk across the street to your house

26. Feel excited and happy

27. He texts you

28. Text a little bit

29. Go to sleep

30. Proctoring job

31. Run errands afterward

32. Talk to a friend on the phone

33. Sleep

34. Don’t do the packet by the deadline

35. Make a powerpoint quiz about Sex and the City

36. Be too proud of it

37. Present it at a show

38. See your friend from college you haven’t seen in years!!!

39. Go out with her

40. Find a weird underground bar where you can’t tell what to feel about the bartender and drinks are 14 dollars

41. Get drunk on good whiskey

42. She buys you pizza

43. You walk her to the train station because her phone died

44. Home

45. Help your friend host his open mic

46. Go to watch a friend’s show and “hang out”

47. Feel inadequate

48. Sit quietly at a table while other people talk

49. Leave by yourself

50. Text the guy across the street from you to see what he’s doing

51. He invites you to meet him at a bar he’s at with his friends

52. Get there, it’s very cool

53. Go to the bathroom before saying hi

54. Meet someone in line from New Orleans

55. Hit it off with them

56. Find the guy, say hi, get a beer

57. Meet some of his friends

58. THE GUY YOU TEXTED/MET THERE REFUSES TO TALK TO YOU

59. HE IGNORES YOU

60. You are normal and talk to other people, keep circulating, assume it’s coincidental, then after 40 minutes where it’s happened like 4 times that he intentionally talked to someone else, you fill with rage and hurt pride, close out your tab, and leave

61. Walk home cursing his name and everything about him

62. Generally feel bad about yourself

63. Wonder why this is upsetting you so much because you don’t even think he’s that cute/great

64. Try to sleep but honestly you’re really wound up and sad and you stay awake for a long time being angry and sad

65. Finally sleep

66. Feel emotionally awful most of the next day

67. Your cousin (a different one on your mom’s side of the family) is having a housewarming party in her new apartment that night

68. Go there

69. Meet so many people who have their shit together and have impressive jobs

70. Flirt with a British Jamaican guy who then told you about this emotional love affair he’s having with a co-worker

71. Feel rejected and inadequate AGAIN wonder if you’re repellant in some way to men

72. Or being weirdly desperate in a gross way

73. Hate that these are thoughts you’re having and feelings you’re feeling

74. Stay until the bitter end of the party

75. Help your cousin (Sarah) clean up, eat any leftover cheese

76. Talk with her about political quilting (!!) comedy, and life things

77. Leave at like 3:00am

78. Take the train even though she urges you to cab or Uber

79. See someone peeing on the tracks as you wait for the train

80. Feel uncomfortable for the first time in a train station

81. Get on the train

82. Pass out

83. Stay inside all day watching movies

84. Gym

85. Deposit a check

86. Spend 10 dollars at Subway getting a footlong turkey with Harvest Cheddar Sunchips because you don’t have any food at your house (which was disappointing but still good)

87. Go through all your clothes, separating out, mentally preparing to do laundry tomorrow

88. Clean your whole room

89. Watch more movies

90. Sleep

[stagesofabreakup]

Stages of a Breakup: Week 38

1. FINALLY JOIN A GYM!!!!!!!!!!!

2. Work out

3. Feel sore but great

4. Hire a TaskRabbit to hang the furniture you can’t

5. He does but he breaks something in the process

6. He also says his rate is 52 instead of the 34 it said when you booked him

7. Almost cry

8. See that the app charged you 34

9. Don’t ask any questions

10. Be able to change in your room now without people seeing in

11. Start watching Baywatch (the movie) in bed

12. Go to your friend’s house for some cake

13. Talk with her about writing projects and New York and rent and things

14. Walk home because she’s so close!!!!

15. Take the LIRR for the first time to go to your Aunt & Uncle’s (technically second cousins but they’re a lot older than you) house for Thanksgiving!

16. Hint that you’re very hungry because it seems like they don’t eat dinner until very late

17. Eat SO MUCH chili with sour cream and shredded cheese

18. Find out that they voted for Trump and are still very happy with that decision

19. Tell them you do work with abortion clinics

20. Talk for a while about stuff

21. Watch Raw (the sexy cannibal movie)

22. Start to watch Patton Oswalt’s special

23. Your uncle leaves because the first 15 minutes is anti-Trump jokes

24. Stay up until 5:00am writing a review of Raw

25. Masturbate in the shower

26. Sleep until noon

27. It’s Thanksgiving!

28. Go to the grocery store, get a lemon bar mix

29. Have a beer

30. Go outside to smoke a cigar with your Uncle, talk politics some more

31. He says some pretty terrible things about North Korea

32. Get changed to go to dinner

33. Have a drink at the bar while they’re setting up the table

34. Have a really lovely meal

35. Go home

36. Feel overwhelmed

37. Talk to your mom on the phone which is REALLY bad for too many reasons to explain

38. Cry

39. Talk to your dad

40. Feel a little better but mostly just lonely and angry

41. Emerge from the room

42. Make lemon bars in the kitchen by yourself which is a nice break

43. Show your Aunt and Uncle the American Idol episode of Black Mirror, they don’t like it

44. Watch The VVitch with them

45. They do like it

46. You don’t

47. But who cares

48. Sleep

49. Have a big pancake breakfast with bacon

50. Hang out

51. Read in the sun with two dogs sleeping on top of you

52. Eat a lemon bar

53. Also about 40 miniature Milky Way bars

54. Your Uncle brings up the poster he printed for you on his work printer which is really nice because it needs to be able to print blueprints. It is a photo of an original Basquiat that was in one of his client’s homes. It is currently valued around 60 million dollars

55. He asks if you want anything else printed

56. Spend about 35 minutes looking up “Kanye West illustrations” on Pinterest

57. Find a watercolor where Kanye is painted like one of the founding fathers

58. Send it to your Uncle to print

59. Read vintage copies of National Lampoon (he has every issue ever printed) while he tries to print

60. He can’t get something right

61. Your Aunt comes down

62. She figures it out

63. Women are the best

64. Have more chili for dinner

65. Get into a conversation about female firefighters (Only 63 out of 10,000 in New York)

66. Transition into a conversation about sexual assault (Thanks Harvey Weinstein!)

67. Realize you have to be at the train station in like 15 min

68. Pack real quick

69. Say bye to your Aunt

70. Feel good but also kind of weird but also pretty sure she still loves you

71. Your Uncle drives you to the station

72. He takes this opportunity to tell you that you should get a real job because he’s worried about you and you could fall down and break your leg at any moment and wouldn’t be able to pay for it

73. You restrain yourself from saying that an accident shouldn’t put a person in debt if they’re not rich, healthcare should be a right not a privilege and that you’re pursuing comedy because you’re good at it and you want to be happy and make something in your life you’re proud of

74. But the train is like 5 minutes away and you still have to buy a ticket

75. Thank him for the weekend and leave the car

76. Buy the ticket

77. Find the platform

78. See two teenage girls carrying BOTTLES of vodka onto the train

79. Discover that it is legal to drink on this train

80. Regret not bringing any booze

81. Read your book

82. Transfer 2 more times

83. Hang your posters

84. Your friend Rachel who is from New York but lives in New Orleans is visiting!

85. Have a sleepover

86. She tells you you’ve lost weight

87. Bask in that for 1 million hours

88. Go to a diner in the morning

89. Get delicious food and a free egg cream

90. Go to a farmer’s market

91. Contemplate buying eucalyptus

92. Go to Rachel’s apartment

93. Talk on her roof

94. Get some CDs from a stoop sale/giveaway

95. Gym

96. Mic that you thought was a show that you also thought was a potluck

97. Show that is a show

98. You do a great job but you go first so a lot of the comics who came later didn’t see you

99. Go to a bar afterward

100. Get a free drink

101. Try to start writing monologue jokes for the Jimmy Kimmel packet you can’t tell if you’re going to submit yet

102. Get home kinda late

103. Sleep

104. Gym

105. Go to Molly’s house to write

106. Feel frustrated and frustrating

107. Have Thanksgiving leftovers

108. Wash her dishes as a thanks

109. Watch Rough Night

110. Write review

111. Hide from people in your apartment

112. Masturbate in the shower in a really meaningful way

[stagesofabreakup]

Stages of a Breakup: Week 37

1. Finally figure out what your full horoscope is

2. Watch some dvds from the library

3. Try to finish 600 pages in 6 hours because you have a library book you can’t renew

4. The lady at the library lets you just check it in and then check it back out again

5. Come home

6. Flirt with a very high employee at a hardware store

7. Assemble an IKEA shelf all by yourself!!

8. Go to a going away party for a comic

9. Have fun

10. See a guy you used to have a weird obsessive crush on who is really into conspiracy theories now

11. Go with him and 5 other comics and get the best Chinese food you’ve had in a long time

12. Get dropped off at a bus stop

13. Take the bus!!

14. Walked 18 minutes to a Planet Fitness to see if it could be your gym

15. Decide it could not

16. Walk 18 minutes home

17. Stop in a weird home goods/perfume/Christmas decorations store

18. Spend 15 dollars in a corner store on items for a grilled cheese

19. Make and eat a grilled cheese

20. Eat some perfectly good cookies out of the trash

21. See a job posting for an axe thrower

22. Freak out because that would be perfect for you in every way

23. Write a cover letter really fast and send it to your mom

24. She edits it and sends it back

25. Email the job

26. THEY CALL YOU WITHIN FIVE MINUTES

27. She wants to set up an interview for tomorrow but you can’t

28. She interviews you on the phone

29. SHE OFFERS YOU THE JOB!!!!!!!

30. YOU FREAK OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!

31. Call your mom, thank her profusely

32. Go to a training session for escorts at a women’s clinic here

33. Hang out with your friend Charlie who’s dogsitting

34. Read him a story out loud about the Petticoat Rebellion

35. Eat pizza

36. Cuddle with a dog

37. Go home

38. Run into someone you’ve known since you were a baby at 1:00am at a train station in Brooklyn who you didn’t even know lived here

39. Wake up very early to go rug shopping with a friend

40. Get breakfast sandwiches for the drive

41. Drive 1.5 hours to go to an outlet mall in Long Island

42. Look at 1 million rugs

43. Buy none of the rugs

44. Have fun anyway

45. Drive 1.5 hours back

46. Talk about Louis CK and consent

47. Get dropped off at a bus station to meet a little girl you are babysitting

48. Worry that you missed her bus and fucked everything up and will be in trouble

49. You didn’t

50. Get her and her friend

51. Make them Annie’s mac & cheese that you eat so much of your stomach hurts for like 25 minutes afterward

52. Eat something called Buttermilk Frozen Yogurt that comes in flavors like “Brambleberry” and “Toasted Strawberry Lychee”

53. Manage the emotions of two young girls

54. Read some of your book

55. Get 120 dollars

56. Go home and stay in because you’re sleepy

57. Go to a 3:00pm show for mom’s and their babies

58. Perform stand up comedy for them

59. Truly struggle

60. Meet a little girl named Luna who WILL be President one day

61. Get a free drink

62. Stay for the mic after

63. Have a good set

64. Make a friend

65. Get invited to get dinner with some comics

66. Walk to another mic

67. It is a musical mic!

68. Sing a list of Porn Pet Peeves you have

69. It goes very well!

70. Go to a party at a friend’s house

71. Have a lovely experience buying a bottle of wine where everyone is kind and gives you free samples and doesn’t make you feel bad about yourself for wanting to buy a ten dollar bottle of wine

72. Get to the party

73. Eat your weight in Brie and prosciutto

74. Talk to a lot of different people and one cat

75. Take an Uber to a different party

76. Everyone is leaving as you arrive

77. Stay and talk about Quentin Tarantino with some guys who are there for the party but you don’t know

78. Wait 45 minute in varying degrees of rain for the bus

79. Get home finally

80. Pass out

81. Sleep in as much as you can

82. Stay inside all day

83. Have big plans for yourself

84. Accomplish none of them

85. Learn how to change drill bits

86. Call it a day

87. Accidentally heat a bagel almost to the point of fire

88. Spend the rest of the day trying to air out the smell of smoke before your new roommates get home and think you are incompetent

89. Watch a lot of The Office

90. Watch the movie Split

91. Make dinner

92. Drink 2 beers

93. Talk to your Grandma’s friend on the phone for an hour

94. Tell her you’re scared to go back to New Orleans and see your ex-boyfriend

95. She tells you about leaving her husband

96. Try to hang some curtains

97. Or even a ledge

98. To no avail

99. Feel defeated by some of this IKEA furniture

100. Talk to your friend who is in the middle of her 12 hour nursing shift

101. Realize you haven’t talked to your brother in a long time and you should call him

102. Masturbate in the shower

103. Email your new boss a date you can come train

104. See all your friends on The Office

[stagesofabreakup]

Stages of a Breakup: Week 36

1. Your friend visits

2. Go to shows with him

3. Get drunk in an LSU themed bar

4. Talk to a bouncer about oral sex

5. Pick up the key to your new apartment from a dog clinic

6. Have disappointing Middle Eastern food (nothing worse than dry lamb)

7. Meet a man from Eygpt who is nice

8. Hire a guy on TaskRabbit to help you move

9. Bond with him over Kanye West

10. Move

11. Get a bed and TV from the beach

12. Learn out of 10,000 firefighters in New York only about 60 are women

13. Be frustrated at how big your bed is in your room

14. Your mom is visiting!

15. Eat some of the best pasta you’ve ever had

16. See a play that is a mixture of Chicago and Wolf of Wallstreet

17. Get in a fight in public with your mom

18. Get asked by a security guard and a police officer to leave two different places

19. Feel so frustrated you want to explode

20. Don’t

21. Somehow get to a calmer place without really resolving anything

22. Cry forever

23. Get health insurance

24. Go to IKEA

25. Think about how good a date the IKEA food court would be

26. Get 170 dollars worth of shelves and boxes

27. Try to unpack everything

28. Go to Roosevelt Island to visit a 78 year old woman you might move in with after your sublet is up

29. Drink pink lemonade out of a goblet

30. Try to set up your new TV with your old DVD player, run into some obstacles

31. Go to Best Buy and Old Navy

32. Do a show where you get free wings

33. Get invited to someone’s Thanksgiving

34. Have dinner with your mom and her friends

35. Meet up with a friend from high school who’s in town

36. Get free fries and a beer for half price

37. Reminisce about Dr. Pepper chapstick

38. Get an exciting new book and 5 less exciting DVDs from the library

39. Eat a salad from Starbucks (would NOT recommend)

40. Think about 50x a day how you wish you had less stuff

41. Talk to your Uncle on the phone, he tells you one thing that fixes the TV and DVD player!!!!!

42. He invites you to Thanksgiving in Long Island with your Aunt

43. You agree!!!!!

44. Happily watch Saw

45. Drink 2 beers during the daytime

46. Get a piece accepted by McSweeneys!!

47. Do stand up at a fashion/activism show

48. Get judged on your outfit

49. Win

50. Take the bus for the first time

51. Walk a mile in the rain

52. Eat more chicken nuggets than you have in three years

53. See a different play with your mom

54. She and her friend leave at intermission

55. You stay because you like to give things a chance also because the tickerts were 80 dollars

56. Stay for the talkback after the play

57. Learn some interesting theories about time

58. Get a look of disgust from SEVERAL elderly white people for existing

59. See a man using a computer inside a locked empty Apple store at 11:47pm

60. Walk 2 miles in rain boots that are a size too big

61. Meet a drummer and music teacher on the train having a wonderful conversation, get off in the middle of it because you’re at your stop

62. Make too much eye contact with a little girl on the train who is reading with her mom because you can’t tell if she thinks she’s better than you

63. Have a second conversation with each of your new roommate’s separately

64. Hit it off with one of their boyfriend’s because your brother taught you about good anime

65. Eat 4 Fruit Punch Jolly Ranchers which you don’t even really like, but these are desperate times

66. Make a plan to watch SNL at a friend’s house

67. You both cancel within 30 minutes

68. Try to empty all the miscellaneous bags you have stacked in your closet with little to no success

69. Watch Juno on DVD

70. Remember that you like it even if the writing seems a tad bit heavy handed

71. Solidify your love of Jason Bateman

72. Stress think about how you’re going to hang a ledge by yourself

73. And assemble/hang all/any of the furniture things you got from IKEA

74. Watch Spiderman on DVD

75. See that your friend got engaged to someone she’s been dating for three weeks

76. The world finds out Louis CK masturbates in front of women

77. Get followed by someone called “Salad Bae” on Instagram

78. Find a handwritten note in your Grandma’s things that says, “Thank you God for everything you gave me and thank you more for everything you took"

79. Realize that her generation of women was strong in a way you will never have to be

80. Feel grateful

81. Miss three calls over a period of a few days from one of your best friends who is going through a breakup

82. Feel awful you haven’t been able to call her back

83. Text her at midnight to say that even though she’s in nursing school and you don’t want to wake her up but you feel like if you don’t do it now you’ll forget for way longer

84. She texts back, she’s on a clinical rotation and at the hospital til 7:00am

85. Finally take your Social Security card out of your wallet which apparently you’re not supposed to keep there?

86. Fantasize about having sex in your bed with a man that you trust and are attracted to

87. Think about joining a gym

88. Miss your gym when you look them up and they aren’t 24 hours

89. Think about eating salmon

90. Talk to your dad

91. Talk to your Grandma

92. Think about calling your brother

93. Eat salmon

94. Watch more DVDs