summary: When Hongjoong developed a crush on y/n, he thought confessing wasn't going to be so hard. Until life started throwing curve balls at him. Will she ever get to know how he feels?
pairings- Hongjoong × fem reader
genre- smau, fluff, angst, mentions of seventeen and stray kids, dumb jokes, strangers to lovers, University AU
warnings- mentions of anxieties, strong language, attempted humour, exquisite lameness
schedule- no specific timing
status- on hiatus
a/n- okay this is not what I expected I'd be doing or writing when I first came to tumblr but here we are :] It might not be as good as other ateez smau's out there but I did try my best...so if it this summary interests you in any way please do share and support it❤
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♡ Profiles: 🦋 🎧
♡ episode 1: dragging Hongjoong out of the studio
♡ episode 2: the girl in the beret
♡ episode 3: should I follow her!? Pt 1 Pt2
♡ episode 4: "hello..."
♡ episode 5: live long and prosper🖖🏻
♡ episode 6: nose to grindstone
♡ episode 7: EGGSACKLY
♡ episode 8: upgrade to strawberry 🍓
♡ episode 9: "I take out my eye balls and wash them in ice-water..."
Present. Many people love living in the present because they don't like thinking about the past and they don't want to worry about the future so they want to enjoy living in the present without thinking what has happened and what's about to come. But sometimes some people don't like living in the present because it's a life they didn't choose to live and enjoy. They want to go back to the past and undo all the mistakes or maybe that's just an excuse to escape the present and be somewhere else. They want to move forward towards the future as soon as possible because what if maybe things will get better once they outgrow this stage or pass this level but they are scared because what if the future is the same as the present or maybe worse? They want to be anywhere else but the place they are in right now, the present, because the present hurts a lot, confusion, emptiness, lack of motivation to do almost anything, loneliness although they are never alone, and being too emotionally sensitive towards everything.... Wanting to beg for a different life but unable to because society would call them selfish for wanting a better life because someone out there is fighting for any luxury of life given to them. Discarding their feelings because apparently someone has it worse than them.
✿ 𝑺𝒖𝒎𝒎𝒂𝒓𝒚: The one where Taehyung didn’t give you as much attention as he should.
✿ 𝑻𝒂𝒈𝒔: Angst, Short.
°•. ✿ .•°
Could he exist in a world never touched by you, Taehyung wondered. In the multiversed layers of this cursed existence, could he find one surgically clean of you? Could he delete the multitude of synesthesic reminders you scattered around every corner of his life?
But most importantly, would he want to? He wasn’t so sure anymore.
There was a half empty bottle of your perfume on top of his drawer, a single pink sock under his bed, a charger he found behind his couch. He called you one night, trying to lure you into talking to him under the pretense of giving it all back - as if he could! - but you didn’t pick up.
Was that how you felt? All those times he didn’t pick up when you called or didn’t answer your texts, too busy soaking up spotlights and drinking up applauses. Did his silence feel as suffocating as yours?
This isn’t usually what I post, esp since I’m not an Aroha, but I’m moved to tears to do this. My thoughts and prayers go out to all of Moonbin’s family and friends right now. My heart is truly breaking. Sua, Sanha, Jinjin, MJ, Rocky, Eunwoo, Seungkwan, SinB, Chanwoo, his family, we’re all thinking of you. I hope everyone respects their privacy and their need to grieve, and I also hope we are all able to celebrate his beautiful life and all that he was, and all that he gave to it. Kind, gentle, incredibly talented, I can’t imagine what could’ve happened got him to get to this point. My foundation feels shaken to its core.
Moonbin, I hope you know how much you were loved, and how sorely you shall be missed. You have left a beautiful legacy behind you, and yet it was nothing compared to all you could’ve done. You remain in our hearts and our memories. You were wonderful.
➵ Two years after you left Taehyung, you call him from an empty hotel room feeling lonely.
➵ Warnings: Yandere Taehyung, Idealisation of Yandere Behaviour, reader is messed up lmao, Stockholm Syndrome big time, basically what happens if someone leaves their captor and then does not recover from SS
➵ Word Count: 1.4K
➵ Masterlist
➵ a/n: this is dedicated to @kpopyandere who left a rly nice reply under a post where i was whining abt not being able to write this fic lol. you motivated me to keep going and make this! <3 it’s not perfect but like also it’s not awful (i hope)
→ Guess who's back from the dead, Lol Lol me. This was in my drafts for so long and it's raining today and I'm suddenly in the mood to post as if I don't have finals looming over my head lmao. Enjoy the ride!
You've known Taehyung long enough to know what habit, word, action pisses him off. It's in his twitch of an eyebrow, the slight click of his tongue and the ever prominent tick of his jaw, that tells you he's gonna lose it soon. And his blood is always boiling. He's never been the one to keep his anger at bay. Always getting in fights ever since he was young, coming back with bruises on his arms, a bloody nose or a busted lip.
And you've always been there to haul his ass back before any major damage could take place. You've always been a witness to his mom's scolding, countless grounding, lots of arguing and screaming and in the end, a strawberry cheesecake – a peace offering, one for him, because her baby had been hurt and one for you, because you had been his anchor all this time.
It was around the time when you were 8 and Taehyung was 9, when he got into fewer fights because your mom told him that you cried every time he got back with a new bruise. The following years went by fairly less fighting, as far as you know until puberty kicked in which ticked off his adrenaline to such a high, even you couldn't stop him. Still, you never stopped being his friend.
At 13, he broke his left arm, because he got into a fight with some seniors. He never told you the reason. At 15, he was suspended for a week for giving his classmate a bloody nose and he kinda deserved it. He was a major asshole to everyone. This gained Taehyung popularity points when he came back to school, only to fuel his ego more. At 16, he got into a biker gang but was found out fairly soon before he could do any more damage but the saddest part was
— He was sent to a boarding school.
And then, he came back a week before his 20th birthday.
And boy oh boy, did he grow up. He did not come in with so much of a hello, rather he climbed up the side of your wall, jumped, grabbed the sill of your window and slithered in like a ninja, settled himself on your bed and gave you a Cheshire cat grin. You, in your skimpy camisole and butt shorts, with a towel draped over your shoulder, hair falling out from your makeshift ponytail, dropped the mug you were holding and proceeded to scream.
Only, the scream never came as Taehyung's big, yes big ass hand covered your mouth. His other hand gripping your waist, holding you in place. Your wide eyes looked at him, then down at his hand, then again at him. When he felt you visibly relax, he let go of you slowly.
"you have big hands"
Taehyung only smirked at your reaction.
"You know what else is bi-"
"-what are you doing here? No. When did you get here?"
"why else? I came to meet my best friend"
"through the window?"
"through the window."
"glad to know we wasted money on adding a door."
He only laughed in response. His laugh. Oh how you missed his laugh. That boyish sound that reverberated through you. That boxy grin and closed eyes. You figured that questions can wait. For now you just wanted to hug your best friend and never let him go. And you did.
You pulled him in a bone crushing hug.
Literally.
Because he winced. You pulled back to take a look at his face. It was a mixture of guilt, pain and 'oops?'. And you knew. Another fight.
"I'm going to kill you."
"Just hug me" And you relaxed your hold on him and nestled in his arms, softer this time.
You both sprawled yourselves on the bed and you started badgering him with questions. He told you that he came back on Tuesday but he didn't go straight back home because he had to take care of some things.
Which things? He wouldn't tell you. You didn't ask further. He said that things went south and he was in a bit of a pinch. To which you responded with a poke to his side. He gasped. Yep, bruised rib.
"I wish you would stop getting into fights."
"Don't worry. I'm fine."
You scoffed but didn't dwell on it. Over the years, you've learned when to shut up around him and when to hand his ass to him. Now was the time for you to remain silent.
Despite his soft hold on you, his breathing was a little shallow, his eyes weren't as bright as they usually would be around you nor was his tone deprived of hidden anger. You knew whatever happened must’ve been big enough to piss him off this much, that even you can't reach him. And it was rare when you couldn't penetrate through his anger and calm him down.
So you decided to let it go and fall into peaceful slumber with his arms around you.
His birthday came and went by with a breeze. It was a blast to be honest. Despite his anger issues, Taehyung managed to make great friends, all of which were apparently in the same college, including you. It was crazy, like it's some sort of fanfiction or something.
Taehyung was majoring in music and dance, two of the things he loved ever since he was a kid. Jungkook and Jimin were with him too. By the time first semester finished Taehyung managed to lay low and got into almost zero fights, give or take a few heated arguments which Jimin was amazing enough to handle in his own angelic sort of way. Jimin was an angel. Period.
The start of second semester seemed promising, Taehyung was no longer fighting, he scored well,was fairly popular in college, teachers and students loved him alike despite his anger management issues, his parents were happy. You were happy. But there was a nagging feeling at the back of your mind.
Things were going too smoothly.
That is until Friday night rolled up and in came a very, very angry Taehyung with bloody knuckles and ripped white shirt smeared with blotches of blood. You liked that shirt.
He grabbed your wrist and dragged you into your room and shut the door with a loud bang. It was a good thing your parents went to dinner at Kim's which you and Taehyung were supposed to go too but Taehyung had meticulously lied about you two having tons of assignments to do while you got a single text from him that had you stuck in the place for two seconds.
"Do not leave your house."
Silence in the room was heavy. Taehyung had his back towards you, hands settled on his hip, head thrown back, eyes closed and his brows twisted in a deep frown. Taehyung was breathing hard. His hands were shaking. You knew he was controlling his anger. But why was he here? He never came to you when he was about to blow up. Something about not controlling himself or whatever he said made you stop meeting him when he was this way. So why was he here now?
"Taeh-"
"Shut up."
It was barely a whisper but you caught it. You decided to take a risk.
"what is-"
"I said- he turned to you quickly, eyes burning with rage."- SHUT UP!"
You jumped on the spot, watching him with wide eyes. But Taehyung wasn't looking at you.
He couldn't look past his blinding rage and edged closer towards you in two long strides. He had a death grip on your forearms. His finger digging in your bare flesh. You winced at the pain.
"Taehyung, you're hurting me." Eyes closing in response.
"Look at me. LOOK AT ME!"
You looked up at him from underneath your lashes and you were taken aback by the sight in front of you. His face was red with anger. His eyes were different shade of dark, not lust filled dark or mischievous dark but dark as in they were dead set to murder.
You shivered under his gaze. His jaw was set and you wondered if his teeth were hurting. His lips were all chapped but still red and you only hoped it wasn't blood.
"I- I don't know what I'll do. So just-"
He closed his eyes and took a deep breath
"-so just stop."
You two stayed this way for god knows how long and you felt his grip getting lighter on your arms. There was a deep red bruise on both of them which didn't go unnoticed by him. He let out a deep sigh and rested his head on your shoulder, in the crook of your neck. His forehead was hot on your skin.
"Fuck you look hot like that."
You scrunch your eyebrows in confusion and turn your head slightly only to be met by his heady fragrance from his hair.
Fighting or not, Taehyung always managed to smell good. It made you sway. Without thinking, you brought up your hand and tangled them in his hair. You felt his body stiffen and just like that you were out of your trance and drew your hand back at the speed of the lightning.
Taehyung pushed himself off of you and grabbed your wrist tightly. He wasn't looking at you though.
"Don't stop"
His tone was still sharp and something told you that if you were to disobey, it wouldn't end up well with you. So you brought your hand back and massaged his scalp. He seemed to relax in your touch. But you made a fatal mistake by asking him.
"what happened?"
He drew back from you so quickly, almost knocking you over and gave you a death glare.
"Who said you could ask?"
His voice was cold and calm but he himself was seeing red.
"why can't you just stay quiet and let me be"
"you're the one who came to me."
You muttered under your breath, getting annoyed by the second.
"what?! What was that?"
When you refused to speak he asked you again with a loud voice which made your heart thump against your chest.
"WHAT DID YOU SAY?!"
"I SAID YOU'RE THE ONE WHO CAME TO ME!"
"Is that it? I can't come to meet you now?"
he raked his hand through his hair, messing them up even more and huffed. Shit he was beyond pissed.
"I can't come to meet my FUCKING BEST FRIEND?!"
"Best friends are supposed to know what's going on with each other."
You tried to keep your voice as level as you could but there was a slight tremor.
Taehyung pressed the palms into his eyes, he was controlling. He was trying not hard not to burst but you've had enough of his mysterious escapades. You had to know.
"What did you do Taehyung? Why are you covered in blood? Is it your bl-"
In a swift moment, Taehyung came up to you and grabbed your face, pinching your cheeks, making you instantly shut up.
"You’re so fucking annoying"
With that his lips were on you.
The kiss was unexpected but hot. Your body was on fire. His other hand snaked around your waist pulling you flush against his chest. He parted your lips with his and went for a deeper kiss. You were burning. Your hands were limp at your side. Your head, full with his strong arms around you, his smell and most importantly his hot tongue inside your mouth. You were out of breath.
Feeling you losing oxygen, he let go of you so abruptly that you stumbled a bit, already in a daze. Your lips were swollen, breathing heavy. You looked up at him only to find him scowling at you.
"I need to fuck you right now or I'll lose it."
One second.
Two seconds.
Three seconds.
Did you hear this right?
What did he say?
What did he just say???
"What?"
"You heard that right. I want to fuck you."
When you didn't respond, he edged closer and closer to you until your back touched the wall.
"Can I fuck you?"
"I- what?- you-"
You were a stuttering mess. You couldn't believe the words that came out of your best friend.
Did you find him hot? Yes.
Have you ever had wet dreams about him? Yes.
Did you find him undeniably hot when he was angry? Yes.
Were you willing to take this step? Blank.
"It’s a simple yes or no question. Can I fuck you?"
You don't know whether it was his scent or his lips or the way that his hands touched you at the sides or the way he looked at you, you breathed out a 'yes'.
In an instant his lips were on yours again. This time it was more rough, more passionate, more raw. You melted into the kiss, your knees buckled slightly and if it wasn't for his arms holding you in a vice-like grip, you would've sunk to the ground.
You wrapped your arms around his neck for leverage and pulled him closer. One of his hands rested on the wall behind you as he pressed further into you. Your heart was beating against your chest so much it was hard to breathe. You felt a tap on your thighs, signalling you to jump and wrap your legs around him.
You felt glad that you wore shorts today. Taehyung hoisted you up on his hips like you weighed nothing and threw you on the bed rather harshly. He ripped your shorts and shirt in a frenzy, it took you a moment to comprehend what had just happened. You brought your hands to cover your bare breasts but he slapped them away and pinned them to your sides.
"Don't you dare hide from me."
You whimpered in response, eyeing him with glassy eyes
"Now that's the look I love."
Pinning your hands above your head, he proceeded to kiss down your neck, sucking at various places, marking you, painting you in red purple. His lips trailed down to the valley of your breasts, down to your stomach, just above your hip line.
He let go of your wrists but you didn't dare move them. Something in you felt like if you would move so much as even an inch, you’d be a goner. He massaged your breasts, rolling and pinching the nipples until you were breathing harder.
His hand travelled down without warning and rubbed your clothed sex making you moan out loud for the first time in the night. He motioned his fingers up and down your slit earning moans after moans from you. Your hands grabbed everything they could- bedsheet, pillow, his hair, his shirt. You tried your hardest not to buck your hips into his hand. He wanted you to beg.
Then his hands stopped and you let out a whine only to be shut up with a fiery kiss. It was probably at that moment, he got rid of the last piece of clothing and you were totally naked in front of him. You looked at him with hooded eyes, pleading with him to touch you. But he was just hovering above you, not moving an inch.
"Say it."
You closed your eyes and bucked your hips upwards, whining in the process. Something snapped inside Taehyung, he grabbed your waist and forcefully pushed it down making you gasp. He lent forward, close enough that you felt his breath on you. His whole body weight was crushing you. Fingers dug at your sides as you closed your eyes to drown the pain.
"Don't make me more angry than I already am. Say the damn words."
His voice was cold, devoid of emotion and yet it sent chills down your spine. You breathed out the words, hoping he'd hear because he was weighing you down so much you couldn't move an inch.
"Please.. Please fuck me."
"Now that wasn't so tough was it?"
Taehyung got off of you and you sucked in a long breath only for it to hitch at your throat because Taehyung's fingers found their way into your sopping cunt.
He slid his fingers up and down your slit, circling at the sides but not touching where you needed him. You wanted to bring your hands down to touch yourself but willed yourself not to because you knew you'd be in a lot of trouble. Instead, you buried your face in the pillow. With his free hand Taehyung grabbed your face and tilted it upwards.
"Look at me when I'm fucking you."
Your eyes were filled with tears of frustration. One stray tear slipped down your face. Taehyung bent forward and licked it, making you shudder. His other hand never stopped working up and down your slit. Occasionally he'd prod a single finger at your entrance but drew away quickly. It made more tears spill down your face.
"It’s sick that even your tears are delicious to me. I’m going to have to drive you so crazy whenever I fuck you so that you’ll always be on the brink of tears."
"Please…"
You managed to cry out. Without a warning Taehyung flicked his finger on your clit making you throw your head back and cry out. He did it again and again and again until it hurt from the direct hit. You were whimpering. Finally, he dipped two fingers inside you so deep and curled them. You let out a heavy sigh, head lolling to your side.
He picked up a fast pace, making his fingers curl every time he reached deeper. His thumb circled your clit and you don't know for how long you had been screaming his name. Your walls tightened around his fingers, a familiar knot in your stomach. Just a little more and you'd come undone. But then he retracted his fingers.
You let out a loud whine but was instantly put in place when Taehyung fixed you with a death glare. He removed his shirt and tossed it somewhere across the room. His belt was next to go. He was about to throw it away but then an idea struck his mind. He tied your hands above your head to the head post with the help of his belt. The leather felt cool around your skin. You were hot all over.
He freed himself of his jeans and boxers and crawled towards you, kissing your stomach, going down to your sex. When he licked a stripe, your eyes rolled back into your head, fingers gripped the belt and toes curled. You involuntarily pushed your hips upwards but Taehyung held them in place and proceeded to give you kitten licks.
Your impending orgasm was brought back to surface so quickly. You needed release and you needed it now. He sucked at your nub and you saw white all over. Taehyung stopped.
"Did you just cum? Without my permission?"
You froze. You did not wish for it to happen. You had it under control but you lost it. God you were fucked. So utterly, devastatingly fucked. A slap at your cunt made you jump but your throat was dry. God, you were shivering and so damn terrified. Luckily, for you Taehyung settled for no answer.
He gave your pussy a few slaps and you were reeling in aftershocks of your orgasm. He sucked harder, fingers pumping faster. You were so sensitive, you didn't know if you wanted to push him away or keep him in the place. Feeling your orgasm approaching again, he stopped again. But you caught yourself from complaining. You didn't want to piss him off more than you already did. He grabbed your face again and whispered in your ear. "You come, when I tell you to come."
Taehyung gave his dick a few calculative pumps and smacked it across your pussy. You were looking at him with pleading eyes, begging him to stop this torture. Taehyung clicked his tongue at you and pushed himself to a hilt with a single thrust. Both of you sighed at the feeling.
Not giving you any time to adjust, he started at an insanely fast pace. Sounds of skin slapping against skin filled the room along with your moans that eventually turned into screams. Taehyung switched paces from excruciatingly slow to hip breaking fast. His fingers left more bruises at your sides. He placed one of his hands on your stomach and almost pulled out all of his length. He thrusted in slowly, watching him disappear inside of you and curled himself up so that he could feel himself in your stomach. You almost lost your voice by screaming out so loud.
Taehyung stilled.
You were going to cry.
Taehyung was looking at you with murder in his eyes. Panic overcame you.
What did you do??
What did you do????
Taehyung was so still, it hurt. You wanted him to move. Now. You were gasping so hard, possibly hyperventilating. And you cried.
"Taehyung.. Please move.. Oh god, please move. I'll do anything! Please Tae, please please. Just move!"
You managed to shout out the words between your sobs. He was a sadist. A true sadist. Having fun watching you crying, making a mess of yourself. You gripped at the belt tighter but dared not move your hips even though every cell in your body screamed. You were full on sobbing now, pleading with him.
"Hurts doesn't it?"
You gave him a weak nod.
"Then you should've kept your voice down."
He whispered against your ear.
"Tae… Please.."
You pleaded one last time, strain evident in your shaky voice.
And Taehyung did move.
And it damn near broke you.
He started at such a fast pace, you saw stars. He pistoned in and out of you, your wetness making him easier to dive in deeper and deeper. You were a total mess. You were crying, moaning, screaming, you don't know. All you knew was that in that moment, you needed to touch him or else you were going to die.
Maybe you're a masochist, because you risked it again and you cried out.
"I want to touch you please…"
Tears were now stained all over your face and fresh ones were already forming. And maybe, just maybe Taehyung took pity on you or maybe he wanted to feel your touch too, he freed your hands. And boy did they hurt. You instantly wrapped them around his back. Taehyung had taken to a relatively slower yet still harder pace. You held onto him for dear life and cried in the nook of his neck.
You felt your stomach coiling in a tight knot again. The feeling was there again. You vaguely remember begging not to stop when your orgasm washed over you. The intensity of it made your thighs spasm. Your fingernails left angry red marks all over his back as he fucked you through your orgasm.
You felt his pace falter. He was close too. Still not recovered from your orgasm and the overstimulation his cock caused made you cling onto him even tighter. And then he spilled inside you. White, hot painted your walls and you both sighed in unison.
Taehyung flopped down on you, you still had your arms wrapped around his shoulder. As soon as he caught his breath, he felt you silently crying. He stroked your hair.
"I'm sorry. You did so well. I'm sorry"
Your grip on him loosened and you looked at his face. He had a worried smile on his face. Your own face is red with tears and anger and post orgasm.
"God! I hate you."
You said softly.
"I know. I know. I'm sorry."
He hugged you once more.
You were both now lying on the bed facing each other. His eyes were closed. His face was no longer frowning. He was no longer angry. Whereas, your face showed 50 shades of tiredness.He looked so beautiful. So peaceful. You lazily traced your fingers on his lips and touched his nose softly. He smiled at your touch, eyes still closed. You smiled too. You inched closer and traced your thumb once again, against his lips and tapped. He opened his eyes at that.
"When you were 8,- Taehyung started. “-some boy said that your frock looked ugly. But it wasn't ugly, your mom made it for your birthday. It made me so angry, I punched him. He punched me back"
Taehyung laughed at the memory and turned on his back. You nestled against his side and placed your head on his chest, sensing that it's gonna be a long story and you'll finally know the truth.
"On Valentine's day, back in 6th, some guy from 7th grade was going to give you chocolates he picked up from the bin because Yu Jin- you remember Yu Jin?"
You gave a nod.
"Because she told him to."
"She hated me"
"When I found out, I kicked him. We got into a fight and he slammed my arm against the desk"
You softly traced your fingers across his arm as a way of saying sorry and urged him to continue.
"I never joined that biker gang. They were talking about this girl, saying how her body was fuckable and how they wanted–no, how they need to have her.”
You felt Taehyung’s heartbeat quicken so you placed a small kiss on his chest in attempts to calm him down.
“They were talking about you. I wanted to murder every single one of them. But I was weak. So I crashed their leader's bike. Which got me into a whole lot of trouble and then-
“Got sent to boarding school."
"Yep, straight to boarding school."
"You were so stupid and reckless."
You both laughed softly.
"And today? Why were you covered in blood? I got so scared you know?"
You brought his hands to kiss each of his burst knuckles.
"I found that biker gang again. They spewed shit. And I'm not so weak anymore. So I punched him. Again and again until he was bleeding, crying, begging-"
You placed your hand on his chest, calming him down again. Then you brought it up to touch his cheek and make him look into your eyes.
"I don't want you to fight again. Promise me."
He closed his eyes and exhaled as if it was physically paining him to make that promise. Then he opened his eyes and grabbed your hand and brought it to his mouth, planting a soft kiss.
Summary: Privacy. Normalcy. Love. Y/n was ready to give all of that up when she became an idol. She was more than happy with the absence of those qualities in her life until a certain six foot mountain of sunshine and chaos was cast opposite her in her first drama. Confronted with the fact that she no longer knows what she wants; Y/n must decide if he’s truly worth giving up the life she’s dreamed of…and how much damage she’ll let happen before she makes a decision.
Not at me having a mental breakdown at the ungodliest hour of the day because I am like so love deprived and I just want to crawl inside my blanket and cry to ‘don’t want to admit it’ by Bang Chan but I am yet to buy a new pair of headphones so I cannot even do that **crying intensifies
"i try to live in black and white but I'm do blue"
─┉┈◈◉◈┈┉
"for fucks sake i can't do anything untill you tell me what's happening...please please anything, this silence is killing me.." he whispered, own eyes tearing up and you felt a shiver run down your spine.
I'm not okay.
I wanna die.
I don't feel enough.
I wanna die.
I'm a disappointment
I wanna die.
I hate myself.....
I wanna die.
There were so many thoughts rushing in your head, tears failing to leave your eyes and so you remained quiet as he stared at you.
"don't wanna talk right now?..." He asked again and you mumbled a shaky yes with a sharp breathe and so he started the car again. "I'll drop myself off first" he mumbled and you nodded.
There was so much you wanted to say, you wanted to die and you had finally convinced yourself to, you had made sure the moment you reach your house you won't be a scaredy cat anymore. That you'd finally set yourself free. The fact your brain couldn't comprehend past the fact you had to die today you couldn't help but chuckle silently.
And even if you weren't so sure earlier the moment he neared his house you were damn sure if you left alone today you won't make it out alive. The drive was barely a minute but the amount of times you considered speaking up was abnormal.
Your eyes widening as he pulled out the seat belt collecting his stuff and each second felt like a whole damn hour, hands trembling as you pulled yourself out of the seat, walking around the car to reach the drivers seat with your head down, eyes still wide open but no tears came out.
And finally the realisation stuck to you, today was your last day with him, last time you ever see him and so you pulled him into a hug. "I love you.." you whispered softly and he let out a shaky i love you too. Before he could even embrace you properly you pulled yourself away from him immediately jumping inside the car and starting the engine.
What snapped you out of your thoughts to kill yourself was the dog jumping in your way, your feet hitting the break and you jerked forward, heart thumping as you realised what you were just about to do.
Eyes tearing up as you drove away convincing yourself it'll be okay....knowing he'd just move on someday either way. The drive to your house was filled with loud sobs filling your small car. "I'm sorry I'm sorry" you yelled out loud as you trembled horribly.
"please.." you begged, to no one in particular, if only your wished passed through to some god. If only you could get rid of such horrible feelings. If only you were never born. And before you know you were standing in front of the mirror, stripped into nothing but a tank top and shorts, the sight disgusted you, it really really did.
God you hated yourself so much. So goddamn much, the scars burning your thighs, stretch marks making you want to scratch it all away, your heart ached as you stared at the reflection of the person you hated more than anything and anyone.
You never looked good, you were never deserving of anything he gave you. You would forever only be a disappointment and you knew you'd regret it for ages to come if you did not kill yourself tonight.
You did not want to do it, you did not want to end everything, but the way it all hurt even when you were okay, even when everything was going well, it still hurt so much, you still wanted to die, no matter how good life gets you could never get rid of the feeling of disappearing forever.
You could never not hate yourself.
And so you stared crazily at your reflection, tears adorning your cheeks and it made you look horrible, you were horrible.
Slowly turning around as you walked out of your apartment, it was 2 in the morning and no one could be awake.
Goosebumps ran on your skin as the wind pierced through your bare body.
The only decision you'd ever like from yourself was living here, in a building so tall that you were sure to die of you jumped from the rooftop.
And you smiled at the thought, taking the stairs to buy yourself some time, wishing maybe you'd not want to die when you reached the rooftop.
Rooftop 2 floor away from yours.
Each step felt heavier than the last, each step you remembered how hongjoong held you, how he kissed you, the feeling of his bare body against yours, the feeling of his hand holding your cold ones, his smile, how much you loved him.
How utterly betrayed he'll feel when he gets to know this, how....painful it'll be for him.
And before you knew you were standing on the edge on the roof, phone in your hands as you dialed his number, you needed him. Soon. You couldn't dare drive, so you sat hugging yourself on the cold edge of the roof.
One ring.
Two ring.
Three ring-
"hello..." His voice sounded groggy, deep and raspy and you could tell he was asleep, no words could escape your teeth, no matter how hard you tried.
After a moment of silence hongjoong sounded fully awake as he uttered out your name in panic, and a sob escaped your lips, "come. Please come." You sobbed and you could hear him shuffling in an instant.
"in a second baby, hold on for me yeah?" He huffed and you sobbed, nodding as if he could see. You really didn't want to die afterall.
"roof" you told him as he asked you where you were, you could hear his keys jingling and the engine starting and sighed.
Were you even ready to face him?
Maybe you weren't, but you really needed him right now.
Really.
"I'm almost there.." he panted out "I love you" he muttered and you could hear him getting out of the car, at this point you were only breathing on the call, not even crying as you waited hopelessly for him.
And barely a fee minutes passed as you heard him panting as he ran up the last few stairs, eyes tearing up as you caught sight of him.
"oh god" he mumbled, dropping his phone as he rushed to you. "What's wrong baby?" He asked but you only crawled in his arms and he sighed wrapping his jacket around your bare body.
Your loud sobs breaking his heart as he coddled you against his chest. "I don't wanna die..." You choked out and you could hear a shaky breathe from him.
"please don't.." was all he mumbled pulling you even closer as he sat with you in his lap. Tears wetting your head as he broke down with you.
"please.." he begged, holding you so tight...as if you'd leave the moment he let go.
And maybe you wouldn't, you couldn't. The moment you saw his face you knew you had to live, for him...for you loved him.
Summary: Privacy. Normalcy. Love. Y/n was ready to give all of that up when she became an idol. She was more than happy with the absence of those qualities in her life until a certain six foot mountain of sunshine and chaos was cast opposite her in her first drama. Confronted with the fact that she no longer knows what she wants; Y/n must decide if he’s truly worth giving up the life she’s dreamed of…and how much damage she’ll let happen before she makes a decision.
summary: When Hongjoong developed a crush on y/n, he thought confessing wasn't going to be so hard.....until life started throwing curve balls at him. Will she ever get to know how he feels?
polaroid love : masterlist
previous ─ Princess Minki
next ─ tba
Dm or send an ask if you want to be added to the taglist
[tags] @at1nys-blog @dogsongy @randomness7198 @yunhowooyo @grim-adventures58 @john-joong @halesandy <@jaycheoluwu & @erodemyedges> was not able to tag you guys
summary: When Hongjoong developed a crush on y/n, he thought confessing wasn't going to be so hard.....until life started throwing curve balls at him. Will she ever get to know how he feels?
polaroid love : masterlist
previous ─ threatened
next ─ tba
Dm or send an ask if you want to be added to the taglist
[tags] @at1nys-blog @dogsongy @randomness7198 @yunhowooyo @grim-adventures58 @john-joong @halesandy <@jaycheoluwu & @erodemyedges> was not able to tag you guys
I’m an impatient person? Yes yes I am. Also today(actually yesterday is 2 am here where I live) I was thinking about when this new chapter was going to be updated lol. I called it(kinda I don’t remember if you have a date for posting that)
No I don’t have any specific timing for my updates because I am the most inconsistent person ever who procrastinates everything till the last minute💀 I am surprised you are still following the smau😭 But I will try my best to upload at least one chapter per week😔✊🏻 and Thank you so much for still following Polaroid Love, you are a real one❤️
ateez sits on no. 3 of tumblr's top kpop stars which is amazing because ateez is the only group not from the big 3 in the top 3 spot
may i just say that it's been an honour contributing to ateez's tag with my posts <3 and also crushing y'alls hopes and dreams with my series lmao
imho, top smt moment of 2022 is without a doubt jonathan because i've never seen people cuss at me that much and mind you i've experienced bullying in a hoity toity christian school for 14 years so that should say smth
a strong contender is sans!hwa bc literally y'all wanted him on a stick over a fire pit pffftttt
summary: When Hongjoong developed a crush on y/n, he thought confessing wasn't going to be so hard.....until life started throwing curve balls at him. Will she ever get to know how he feels?
polaroid love : masterlist
previous ─ threatened
next ─ Skater Friends
Dm or send an ask if you want to be added to the taglist
[tags] @at1nys-blog @dogsongy @randomness7198 @yunhowooyo @grim-adventures58 @john-joong @halesandy <@jaycheoluwu & @erodemyedges> was not able to tag you guys
