hello, i'm alix

nice to meet you | zerg | alliance druid | You look cute today

[findchaos]

ChaosLife: Meet the Cats - Nix

Officially introducing Nix to our comics family!

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[ruinedchildhood]

[stars-and-grimoires]

A Prayer Before the World Ends (Tonight)

Let the world stop here; let the whys the hows cease to be. Let the oceans unfurl in this chaos called creation; causing CATASTROPHY and within the midst of this confusion. Let it be just you&i, hand in hand. Let there be (momentary) salvation in the arms of another; a prayer, worship bodies praying —oh god yes— wherever the fuck you might find yourself when the world ends. Let the World stop here; let me be- lieve in miracles.

[stars-and-grimoires]

Short fiction assignment

“Make way for the Lord Marshal!”

“Move!”

It was to be a simple field exercise - how could it have gone so ...wrong? I watch Father, racing to the fields up north, where the land is harsh in this climate. The fire that erupted from the camp grounds where the battalion practiced their combat was dying down, and I hear Father call for my brother, the Lord Marshal’s apprentice. His voice waivers, once he sees the badly burnt remnants of our family crest on a shield, then howled, seeing the remnants of Domh in the kingdom’s tabard.

That was the day I was given the apprenticeship - something I once envied my brother for inheriting, but... I didn’t want to have it this way. I went from following Mum around the farmlands with chores; lands that were given to us, to classes every day. Blacksmithing, leatherworking, fighting, schooling. Mum was upset at Father, but she didn’t dare oppose him. She did put a stop to forging until I was a bit older, after one too many injuries, though.

---

I remembered these moments, as I was preparing Sleipnir. After the mess I put Father through, refusing to kill these children... the King, in a moment of mercy, granted me one day to put my affairs in order and looked away. The King’s private halls were cold, despite the blistering fire. Father... no, the Lord Marshal, refused to acknowledge me. Mum, with her watery blue eyes, stared longingly at me. Drinking in the last few moments she would see the last of her children, I’d presume.

I left Mum a small gift, hidden from the Lord Marshal’s quarters. Her servant Kaisa, slipped a note and scurried off.

“My son,

There are no words to say how proud I am that you didn’t kill the children and let them go. I hold sorrow in my heart that today, I lose the last of my children. Kaisa has gathered a traveling pack and has put it in Sleipnir’s stable. I left some of the biscuits you were fond of on top, along with your tools, anything I can think of.

Godspeed, my darling child.

Upon next we meet.

Mum”

I didn’t notice I was crying until the parchment absorbed some of my tears. I trace Mum’s letters, written so formally... then tuck it into one of my pockets. Right now wasn’t the time for tears. Right now was time to get prepared. I duck into my bedroom for the last time - taking a portrait that Alma drew long ago, and a few other keepsakes, including Domhall’s quiver, and his short sword I found in the ruins not long after his funeral.

I head to the graves of our people. I sit down near Alma Ragnarsdottir, and Domhall Ragnarsson - the last time the three siblings would be close together. The sickness stole Alma from us. Death stole Domh. I hope they would be proud that I stood my ground and defied our father’s orders. I kneel at Alma’s grave, kissed my fingertips then gently touched the stone that marked where her little body lay, then I hear footsteps.

“You...”

I hear Father’s voice, tired, as he continues, “Why? Why did you defy my orders?”

And suddenly, anger. “This was NOT about defying your orders - this was about killing a child! How could you even think about doing that, when you think about my siblings? The child was no older than - “

He sighed, cutting me off, “Child, this is war. This isn’t about your morals, this is about surviving to see another day. Must you be so stubborn?”

“Leave me be, Father. If you still recognise me as your son... let’s depart on a better note than this.” I stand up slowly, and start to leave.

“Farewell, Dullahan... Son-of-None.”

I see the Lord Marshall pivot then turn away. When did he get so old? His hair was slowly being overturned by white, and his once broad shoulders seemed to sink with every footstep. I ignore the tears streaming down my face as I head to the stables, looking through the kingdom I was raised in one last time.

It was as if I saw my old life through one eye, and reality through the other. I saw the merchant’s stalls where I used to chase Alma through when she was able, and how she’d hide in the Baker’s stall, munching on pieces of sweet bread the Baker would give her. The Baker passed on a few years ago, and his children has continued the family business, but they haven’t been able to replicate the taste of nostalgia in the sweet bread. The younger sibling looked at me and started to wave, as the older one grabbed her hand, shushing her.

But still, I continue on.

I reached the town square. What a quiet place - quite different from my childhood, when our lands were still open to trading with other lands. Mum would come by occasionally, bringing us children along, with a few guards for good measure. Once, a pretty gypsy lady came by and sang an aria. We all were mesmerized, and Mum paused. She invited the lady to a meal, which the lady quickly declined, so Mum gave her some of the meat and bread she had purchased moments earlier. That’s the kind of person Mum is. I sigh, then march on as various villagers darted away from me. I looked wearily at the remaining stragglers, and they dispersed from the square; probably gossiping about me.

I duck in an alleyway to avoid more of the surface paths, and recall when Domh and I were caught by one of the palace guards; he brought us to Father and we were reprimanded for going to the poor district. We both fancied ourselves as heroes, and we only did what felt right; mainly, bringing food and other things to the commonfolk there. They were always grateful.

“Oi, you.” A gruff voice startles me, and I stop walking, looking around to see where the source was. The man removed his hood slowly, smiling as he walked up to me. Iskar!

“I heard what ye did, lad. Good for you... good for you. Ye got a soul in there,” he quickly jabs my chest, “An’ ye ain’t heartless. What brings ye tae here?”

“I’m getting dismissed from the Kingdom. The King and the Lord Marshal thought it best that I leave before anything else happened.”

“Poppycock! Ye’v got the Kingdom’s best interest in mind, them stu-pid arses, why I ought tae - “

“Iskar, I’m fine. I’m ready to move on. I came here to leave you with a few gifts.” I hand over a map of warehouses and a pouch of medallions; the kingdom’s currency wouldn’t be worth anything outside. I wink slyly and hug him, then whisper, “I fare thee well, Master Iskar.”

“Aye, lad. I fare thee well, Dullahan.”

[stars-and-grimoires]

Happenstance

a road leads to here, this road in the country underneath the starry night sky you and i once met here once entwined our bodies meld together crushing the flowers a sickly perfume of our love a smell i recall now, with sweet clarity i wonder how you are i wonder what you are doing i wonder if there were others you  brought to a place i thought of  as our spot but mostly

i wish you well

[jimvermin]

SSWA 2015 Picks

Check out this list of recommendations from the So Say We All crew. I singled out Sean Bonney’s extraordinary poem, “Corpus Hermeticum: On the Revolution of the Heavenly Spheres.”

don’t say “tall skinny latté” say fuck the police, for “the earth’s gravitational pull” say fuck the police, for “make it new” say fuck the police                                                       don’t say “spare change” say fuck the police, don’t say “happy new year” say fuck the police perhaps say “rewrite the calendar” but after that, immediately after that say fuck the police

[stars-and-grimoires]

the e-fame monster

Be cautious of summoning him.

Be cautious of the fact that you are no longer your own person but a symbol.

 Be cautious of the fact that once you fall from grace, there’s no way back up.

[define-fluorescent]

Happy/Merry Holidays/Christmas/Winter Solstice from your local friendly pagan :3

[stars-and-grimoires]

You have such blue eyes let me inspect them

[stars-and-grimoires]

instructions on your Spark of Life

A friend once told me that everyone has a Spark of Life, and that those that burn the brightest also cast the darkest shadows.

The Spark of Life is housed somewhere deep within; some cultures call it your soul, others call it your heart. Take care that you don’t show where you keep it. Some can the lifeblood of the Spark, some can hurt and cause the containment device damage. Irreparable or repairable, that’s up to you to learn. 

Each device is unique. Each device adapts with you as you grow older, experience love, heartbreak, emotions. Take heed that you rest and let your Spark be nurtured, lest it burn out. 

And there will be people that you meet, people that you love, people who reignite your Spark in ways you didn’t think possible. They may not be the right person for you, but they were right during that timeframe for you. Honour the time you had with them. It’ll leave a scar on your containment device, but it’s okay. Nobody owns a perfect condition containment device these days.

And every once in a while, you’ll meet someone special. You’ll show that person your Spark of Life, and they’ll show you theirs, and it’ll burn in a different way. 

Different, but good.

And when it comes time to separate from that person, take care in separating your Spark of Life from their Spark of Life. Sometimes, the containment devices can meld together, so you have to work together to disengage from each other. But when you take a look at your containment device, bits of theirs will always remain, and their lifeblood mingles with your lifeblood, and your Spark of Life will be changed because you knew them.

And when you grow older, your Spark of Life takes more to keep bright. You have to make sacrifices. Sacrifices have consequences, even if you can’t see what it is right away. Deliberate and think before you proceed, love.

And if you’re honoured enough to catch a Spark of Life go out, love that once bright Light.

[stars-and-grimoires]

I can't make things right, but I'm going to be truthful to who I am and who I want to become. I'm keeping this account out of ease, but simply:

I’m done being what Shappi entailed. I’m killing myself with this “e-fame” bullshit. I’m going to be unfollowing people so my twitter can truly be mine, and I know I’ll be upsetting people. I’ll keep DMs open for a bit if you want to exchange battle tags or some sort of alternative way of keeping in touch, but I just can’t do it anymore.

I’ve upset a lot of people with how callous I’ve been in managing my relationships. I’ve upset a lot of people with how selfish I was in my depression episodes. I’ve burned a lot of bridges, and sometimes... I can’t sleep because I’m still wondering.

I need to make things right - or my definition of “right”. I’ve done a lot of good, but I’ve also done a lot of shit. I’m learning, using my shitty past as manure to evolve.

I’m done with the gaming communities - not only because I need to take care of myself, but because I need to concentrate on things that matter most:

Health.

Family.

Love.

I’m not going to be deleting my twitter... yet. But I am taking a hiatus from things. Living is a process of rebuilding yourself constantly. Let yourself get challenged by others and learn.

Thank you to Susan (http://www.twitter.com/howtopriest) for challenging me and letting me learn from our past.

You can reach out to me using the old username at gmail and skype, too.

[stars-and-grimoires]

VAMP: 4AM // Post-mortem

Statistics:

20 drafts (about half were minor, less than 100 character differences.) Workshopped with 14 people (damn, that’s a lot) Crying average: 4x daily, about 6 minutes per. 2160 words to 1636 words Hugs: about 40 Times I dyed my hair: 3 Pep talks (texts/emails/tweets/DMs): 32 Smiling whilst pretending to be okay: All the fucking time Do note that October was just a crazy hectic month for me, overall. --- I've never told anyone that I hallucinated my grandfather. I was always my gramps' little one, his shadow. We compared pictures of us at the same age and I look exactly like him, but more Asian. We have the same red hair - it skipped his four children, and seven grandchildren. Only I got it. (And simultaneously devastated my grandmother when she found out I bleached it!) One of my last trips to the mainland America, before my brother deployed back to Iraq, and my uncle just got back from there... that was the last time I saw him. He smiled, and held his hand out to me, as he called out for his little one. Those two nights we spent giggling over random stuff, and he bought me Oh, the Places You'll Go, the Dr. Seuss book. I sat next to him and humoured him, and he read the book to me, then kissed my head. It was the last moment I had with him, privately. He died of multiple cancers shortly afterward, and a little bit of my heart broke. Did you know that when plates break in Japan, they have a special gold filament that they use to fuse plates back together? It shows that you value the plate, and that breaks are beautiful. My performance yesterday did that to my heart. I'll never forget my grandfather, but I healed. The hallucination dialogue I had with him was him reading me that book again, but we were looking at my body and my dad, pacing around, then we danced. Chim chim cheree, Mary Poppins. I've never seen the movie but that song still haunts me, because Gramps loved it. He'd play it on his record player, and I'd step on his feet as he taught me how to waltz. --- My name is the French variant of Alice. The most common hallucination I experience whilst ill is called Alice in Wonderland syndrome. I used the Alice slides to show when I was slipping into hallucinations again, because people suggested going more surreal, and I didn’t know how to do it without compromising the integrity of my VAMP. I think it worked. Lights - they played Everlong at the concert PapaSha and I went to, and they dimmed everything and only let cell phone lights go on. That’s the power of the Foos - you just fucking listen when Grohl gives out a command.

[goongdingy]

[stars-and-grimoires]

I feel like I’d do this.

[stars-and-grimoires]

and soon, you’ll see the shore

i’m drowning, I’m drowning,

there’s a lifehouse, I think

far into the distance

but in the

Sea of Anxiety

held down by these anchors of mine -

shame, pride, anger

i don’t know how to proceed

i can’t see the bottom

but my feet feel the horrors

that lie within... me

tread carefully

pull at the strings

save me, save me

i’m scared

i can’t breathe

save me, save me

before it’s too late

before i disappear

you have to laugh, bittersweet

because while this happens in

this truth, the other truth

is that this process is invisible

“are you ok?” some ask, because

they can see you in a deeper sense

“i’m fine” i’m not.

you smile, but it doesn’t go all the way

they pretend not to notice, but -

you notice that when they hug you,

it lasts a lot longer than usual

and it makes you uncomfortable

because they can read you

so much more than you understand

yourself

[stars-and-grimoires]

Sojourner’s Sorrow

the heart breaks once more upon letting others who once traveled through this  tavern that her mistress is gone the tears glide the soul mourns the heart breaks until valhalla, sister upon next we meet embrace me and we shall dance

[stars-and-grimoires]

VAMP: Very Anxious Mental Purgatory

Day 0

Get email congratulating me. Panic, then become happy. Email the trio of advisors from previous VAMP immediately. Dance around awkwardly to Pitch Perfect in happiness. Sigh in happiness at the Kommisar (sp?) and Anna.

Day 1 [oct 11]

Get email from Bradford. Send email to JD. Mutual weepyness of kind exchanges. Email writing coach a quick introduction. Half of SchoolVAMP stops me to congratulate me, but stays away after a hoarse whispershout because cold/sick.

Day 2 [oct 12]

Anxiety builds at no response from coach. Remember that nobody is as addicted to the internet as I am. Laugh. Get told by SchoolVAMP advisor that I’m the first student VAMPer to go to the “big leagues”. Holyfuckingshitthepressure. SchoolVAMP coaches are all proud-parenting me. Feels weird and lovely to get the support from them all. Get advice to keep little notes of the process so you can write about the differences.

hahanobutseriouslywritingcoachpleaserespondandeasemytension

Day 3 [oct 13]

Lots of other school stuff; too busy to think about all VAMP. SIGH.

Day 4 [oct 14]

Writing coach got in contact with me. I know my anxiety’s very high in comparison to other people, but getting a response back is grrrreat!

Day 5 [oct 15]

HELLOOOOOOOOO WRITING COACH! 

CITY VAMP! HOLY CANNOLI IT WAS GREAT! Not going to spoil it, but I cried. Laughed. Loved. I’m so very proud to welcome them into the VAMP Veteran club. Ran into Julia and met other coaches. Met Ella again. JD pat my back through a particularly rough VAMP. Lovely previous writing coach gave me pizza. Forgot how that tasted. Delicious.

Day 6 [oct 16]

Group session went well, I think. I’m losing my mind at how smart people are. They all had very interesting takes on it. One person said I'm a very poetic writer with fantastic descriptions. They all said I had a well defined arc, just gotta work on the grammar aspect. A few dissenting opinions on placement. All had smart things to say and I learned a lot in the short two hours we hung out.

Very. Very. Intimidated.  

Day 7 [oct 17]

Create appointments with some other professors on campus to see if they’d be willing to sit down and tear my VAMP apart. If I can’t defend why the line’s there, it’s gonna get cut. Clocked in at 11:50 for the initial read. Got some ideas on how to present my slides! :D 

12 more days. Found my passport so I don’t need to go to the DMV...

Day 8 [oct 18]

Not. Going. There.

I didn’t follow through with daily blogging. :( Next time!

[fromindieswithlove]

Hey you,

Have you ever just… wanted to quietly ponder about what to do? No rush. Nothing getting in the way. Just having all the time in the world to quietly go about.

A Good Snowman Is Hard to Build, but it is something worth doing. More then once in fact. That’s all you do in this game. Build snow men and women, crafted from naught, naming, loving and hugging them. After all that, you can simply and quietly sit with them, basking in the fine winter air along someone who really knows to listen, you know?

There are snowmen and they need to be built. The puzzles may be hard some times, but I know you are a strong, loving person. I believe in you! Think of all the friends you’ll build along the way. I hope that when you do, you’ll also be thinking of me.

You can find the game on Itch.io, Steam and Humble Store.

[fromindieswithlove]

Skysaga: Infinite Isles

Hail and well met, new friend!

Recently through my travels, I’ve picked up a bunch of old games again, most notably, Skysaga: Infinite Isles. In it, I’m a little monkey girl that’s currently building her base, but you can be a cat, a lizard, or a human!

You travel to different islands through keystones that you create when you either buy keystones or farm fragments in dungeons. You’re provided with some starter keystones, so you aren’t really alone. You can build weapons and PVP, or go completely PVE through hopping around islands!

As you farm more and more, you’re able to build your base up into whatever you can imagine, and you’re also able to create obstacle courses! With imagination and time, anything is possible.

You can opt into the Skysaga: Infinite Isles Alpha here!

( @shaofhappiness )