dreams wanderer

Time is the enemy, unless you use it wisely -Marco Pierre White

[starsandbluehour]

Hi Bu,

Bagaimana disana?

Disini... baik.

Hidup masih selalu mengajarkan banyak hal, dan Ade masih mencoba untuk tidak lelah belajar.

Akhir-akhir ini, babnya mungkin tentang cara pandang, mungkin tentang percaya, mungkin tentang kembali... atau mungkin tentang kombinasi ketiganya.

Bahwa baik atau tidaknya suatu, terkadang adalah soal persepsi. Tetap tidak semuanya definitif, dan kembali bukan kita yang bisa memberi vonis.

Bahwa yang bisa menemani memanfaatkan waktu sambil menunggu adalah percaya. Semua sudah ditulis, sudah ada waktunya, sudah ada miliknya.

Bahwa menjalani tidak hanya tentang melaju, tapi juga ingat untuk kembali. Pulang kepada apa yang penting, tidak hanya selalu berlari untuk mengejar. Memberi ruang pada waktu dan diri untuk kembali... pada hakikat sendiri, pada hati tanpa pretensi.

Tetap tidak mudah, Bu... tapi, bukan mustahil. Seperti yang selalu Ibu ucapkan, "Yakin aja dulu. Tulis aja dulu."

Mungkin Ade hanya perlu lebih yakin bahwa semua sudah ditulis, hanya perlu menunggu masanya, dan tidak perlu selalu berlari. Apa yang sudah menjadi milik, akan selalu menemukan jalan untuk bertemu.

[starsandbluehour]

That night, I kissed my love goodbye.

No, not the person.

The feeling.

[starsandbluehour]

You lie too much it's tiring

[starsandbluehour]

Dalam cinta, tetaplah berusaha

Meski seringkali akan terasa sia-sia

Hanya menghapus asa di waktu senja

Meski harus melewati malam penuh air mata

Dan lirih kata dalam doa

Sampai ia membuktikan semua percuma

Sampai diam menjadi satu-satunya cara

Dan biarkan waktu menunjukkan kuasa

[starsandbluehour]

Hal yang perlu kamu pahami dari orang yang pernah kehilangan adalah...

Mereka tahu caranya kembali ke dirinya sendiri

Mereka tahu mereka bisa sendiri

Mereka tahu caranya menemukan dalam kehidupan

Tidak hanya bisa bertahan semata

Tapi lebih dari itu,

Mereka tahu cara mengada dari kekosongan

[starsandbluehour]

The only reasonable expectation to a person who ever break promise like it was nothing is... they will never kept one.

[starsandbluehour]

Pada langit aku menengadah

Menagih janji

Sembari menahan tangis

Pada tanah aku mengadu

Memanjat doa

Melepas air mata

Pada waktu aku mencoba tertawa

Sampai kapan harus percaya ia yang akan membawa kabar nyata

Dan padamu aku berserah

Melepas lelah

Dan mulai berani kembali memiliki harap

[starsandbluehour]

We tend to forget how big ego can be.

[starsandbluehour]

Jika melihatnya menangis

Minta maaf

Bukan waktunya mencari siapa yang lebih dulu khilaf

Ini masalah rasa

Sakitnya lebih dalam dari air mata yang terlihat

Hatinya mungkin bisa lebih lapang dari jagat

Namun penuh luka yang tak kasat mata

Sedikit kata maaf tak lantas menghilangkan perih

Tapi membantu untuk tidak perlu terus merintih

Dalam diam

Sedikit kata maaf tak lantas membuat sakit teredam

Tapi membantu untuk tidak perlu terus mendendam

Dalam doa

[starsandbluehour]

On Hospital

People are unique with their own past and fear.

It could be something easy for you, your routine, your way of having fun, while for others that very same thing gives them anxiety, panic, and all those troublesome feeling we could never put into words.

Today, despite all the sweat and (almost) tears, I kind of defeating my very own fear soooo little people known about.

And I'm proud of it.

[starsandbluehour]

It's us watching the series together. Discussing about it during dinner time, you're saying we're nerds.

It's us walking side by side, thinking what to buy, what to eat, and how crowded the mall was.

It's you holding my hand when you're home, talking about your day at the office.

Those little things that made me yours. Yet the more I fall for you the more I'm afraid... of how things might change. And that's... make me scared of falling deeper into you.

[starsandbluehour]

“Does a human have capability to love someone without trusting the person they love?”

If the answer is yes, I wonder what would it call? Could it still be love… or what’s left just a lust?

And what if there was never a lust even before losing the trust?

Was it probably just a routine after all? A long-lost routine that just suddenly found long before they both know it’s going to be a routine?

And once the trust is broken, what makes you able to get through the day? To find the so-called-love, to finally be able to say ‘I love you’ without feeling the ache of disappointment, to hear ‘I love you’ and felt loved.

To feel that you mattered to them?

[starsandbluehour]

among all the bad feelings, feeling that you're unwanted is one of the worst.

[starsandbluehour]

Not everyone deserves a second chance.

That's what I always said to people around me when they broken up.

Never in my life I thought that I'd be the one who doesn't deserve THE second chance.

Just when I knew I could be happier, I decide to fall in the misery pit once again.

Aku percaya hidup punya caranya sendiri untuk berkata. Melalui caranya mengajar dalam hening, seharusnya aku paham sakit adalah pelajaran paling berharga. Dan lepas adalah satu-satunya jalan untuk bahagia.

Lalu kamu ada. Mengaburkan semua batas yang aku tahu. Lelah menjadi sumber tawa, dan pendam jadi satu-satunya cara.

Apa iya sendiri memang lebih menakutkan daripada terus saling menyakiti?

Kalau jawabannya adalah tidak, mengapa aku sekarang memilih ada di lobby apartemenmu untuk meminta maaf atas salah yang kau buat?

[starsandbluehour]

The Day I was Diagnosed

A word could have a different meaning to different people.

A simple common word could lead to a happiness or even bring someone’s deepest fear, given to their background and experience.

I could link many words to my happiness. Croissant, being loved, bestfriends, sushi, cook, and you know what else. Yet, not so many of you might know what words would bring my deepest fear to surface. Losing my calm and balance. And almost breakdown into tears.

It was yesterday, I believe.

When an SpOG diagnosed me having a cyst. It was a very common type, the doctor said. as well as it was written on Google, said my husband. A very common type caused by mostly stress (or in my case, overwork), and even could be cured without taking any particular treatment or medicine but happiness and less-stress.

Along with my mom’s story, cyst, tumor, and cancer are words I’m familiar growing up with. Knowing her brothers also had cancer would lead me back to my insomnia, yet I’d find my calm back in no time.

But I guess, it didn’t happen when it was me hearing those words, about myself.

It was one word that brought myself to... a crumb (?) I can’t even find a proper word to describe it.

the second I heard a word cyst coming out calmly from the doctor, while moving the USG stick around my belly... I just didn’t know how to react. Coming to the doctor itself was hard, you know. I was like... cancelled the appointment for countless time. Afraid that I will hear the word I just heard. I came inside the clinic with a lot of confusion. Knowing that something happened and it didn’t feel right, yet at the same time hoping and praying everything will turn out okay.

Being inside the white office all over again already freeze my brain. Let alone in minutes I heard a cyst happened.

That second splits into millions little frames, where I realised there is a little part of me felt... relieved (?) like, ‘well your time has come’, and of course the biggest part of myself... didn’t know how to respond no matter how hard they’re tried. Blaming life? Oh darling, I have enough episodes in my life to know that it’s useless. Mad at God? Nah, I’m done with that.

So yes, I didn’t know how to react over the word itself. I lost everything you might know about me. The maturity (well I hope some of you think I am), the calmness, the ‘lita banyak bertanya’ when it comes to medical things, and... basically everything. I didn’t feel like myself... or maybe I just found out who I really am.

What I know is that I need to contain my feeling from bursting. To not cry, to still activate my brain hearing the explanation, to not asking any question because I know the moment I open my mouth, the second I split my concentration into speaking, tears would be the only one that coming out of me.

I didn’t know how to control myself, because for years, all I know was how to taking care others. I never knew what I should do when it comes to my time who needs to be taken care of... by myself. It was always about someone else, it was always about being in the front row to manage someone’s being taken care of.

Yet, in my deepest heart, I know what I wished I had. A person who will act like me if I were on their shoes. A person who will ask questions I couldn’t say. A person who will hold my hand and just sit beside me without any judgement. A person who knew... that they couldn’t ever understand how it felt to be me. So they chose to stay by my side, in silent, to let me know that it’s okay for me to crumble down and being the stupid one in the room.

But as we growing up, we all knew that life would never fails to surprise us anyway.

So at the end of the day, you just have to let it happened.

And be strong.

[starsandbluehour]

I don't quite know

how to say

how I feel

[starsandbluehour]

you could be in a relationship and still feel lonely.

you could be in a marriage, living under the same roof but walking on different path. living a different lives. everyday.

you may lay on the same bed, yet he doesn't even notice you're crying.

being with someone doesn't always make it better or bearable. there's no guarantee it would make things easier or smoother.

the rain doesn't become more beautiful just because you watch it together. the winter doesn't turn warmer just because someone hugged you. and the summer will still burnt your skin even when someone holds the umbrella for you.

maybe at the end of the day, there's only you that you should count on. maybe once in a while we need to hug ourselves and make things better while seeing the rain falling. maybe at the coolest winter, a cup of hot chocolate is all you need to warm it up.