Starship Melancholy lost in Deep Space

| The eternal sunshine of a tainted mind. | The Petting Zoo Project: @welcome-to-the-petting-zoo | My better half: @dear-trashpanda | Side blog about my coming out journey: @daely-trans-life |

[starship-melancholy]

I used to think about myself as the place where good things go to die. But lately... I want to become the place where good things go to grow.

— thoughts at the therapy room

[starship-melancholy]

Here is a problem with the idea of "you get to play when you've done your homework".

While on a surface level, this seems like a good way of teaching children healthy work ethics and a sense of responsibility/the idea of a work-reward correlation, it can seriously backfire and cause lasting damage one has to undo through hard work during adulthood.

As a "closeted" neurodivergent kid, I was raised with abled standards and expectations, which I gradually fell short of, but while I was obviously less and less able to keep up with the workload that was expected of me, noone ever cared to adjust the expectations, which lead to me overworking and breaking myself over and over again. Then, when I was obviously stressed to a point of full dysfunction, those same people would tell me that I needed to relax, which was honestly just confusing, because a, that's two conflicting rules that are mutually exclusive, and b, how the hell was I supposed to know what even relaxing meant when I never really got to explore that option, because I was too busy being perpetually behind on my "homework".

So basically, while the idea of "you get to play when you're done with your homework" is great in theory, but in action it played out something like this:

What I did not get:

- good work ethics

- a sense of satisfaction or being rewarded for my work

- motivation to do whatever my "homework" was

What I did get:

(As a child)

- sloppy homework (most of it done at school between or during classes)

- not being able to enjoy playtime because after a full day of schoolwork, extracurriculars and studying I rarely had the energy to actually enjoy anything

(As an adult)

- not having had a moment of guilt-free pleasure for the past 25 years

- feeling like I don't deserve fun

- feeling inadequate

- lots and lots of internalised ableism

- never having learnt what relaxing means

- never having learnt what I might find enjoyable as free time activities

- fun, joy and relaxation being the lowest on the priority list, and eternally associated with a sense of guilt, shame and cheating

- feeling like I had to earn even the most basic human needs being met, and if I couldn't do the work, I wouldn't have the right to rest, relax or do anything restorative

- the idea that my worth as a human being was solely defined by my level of productivity

- the feeling that getting what I want/need is forever unobtainable.

So yeah, that's what I'm trying to unlearn now. I don't have a better suggestion as to what to teach children, honestly, I still think that it's not a bad idea to teach children tangible responsibility through connecting work and reward, but I would also kindly suggest to adjust the message and maybe spend more time on unpacking the meaning behind it, just in case the kid turns out to be the kinda weirdo who would get seriously fucked up by getting the wrong end of that story.

[starship-melancholy]

Life update

I finally got my ADHD diagnosis and after having survived a blood test and an EKG (which is a legitimately huge thing as I haven't been able to do something like this for the past 15 years or so), I finally got my own meds!!

It's an amazing feeling. From now on I won't have to count the hours I get to be functional, it'll just be at my disposal at all times, I get to have a life every day, and right now, the possibilities seem endless.

So to celebrate, I'm having a super lazy day, I made banana Nutella waffles for breakfast and now I'm just cosying with Cat, working on crocheting an awesome ombre throw blanket for Bear and watching the Great British Baking Show. Life is sweet.

[starship-melancholy]

When you write to me, think about me. Talk to me like it was just the two of us sitting by the sea.

— Dad

Sometimes he says these profoundly beautiful things out of the blue. This is an excerpt from an email where we've been talking about how I never dare to write something personal or private to him because their email is shared with mum and I'm afraid that she would get upset or feel left out because she doesn't like when things happen "behind her back" even when it's completely innocent. *sigh*

[starship-melancholy]

That heartbreaking moment when you meet someone in a dream and you fall for each other and you are in that honeymoon phase of being newly in love and then you wake up and realise they don't exist in this world and you'll never see them again 💔

[starship-melancholy]

@unorthodoxsavvy fucking hell it just happened again except this time it was way longer so I got to know them and properly fall for them and holy shit they were like noone I've ever met irl and aaaaagh, I literally woke up and the second I realised I was awake I started internally screaming no no no NOOOOOO bring him back let me go back!!! desperately trying to fall back asleep but I was so upset that I just kept waking up more and more so I tried telling myself everything about him to commit him to memory but there are so many details that just slipped away and OMFG I'm crying

Why does this keep happening to me?!!!

[birdblogwhichisforbirds-deactiv]

Two more weeks of gender!

[starship-melancholy]

FINALLY!!! My literal mantra for the past 10 years had been

It's the 21st century ppl GENDER IS OVER!!

[eroticlizardfiction]

Breaking the cycle of abuse doesn't always mean "having kids but not abusing them" it can also mean realizing that you aren't and may never be mentally fit to be a parent and making the choice to never have kids because of that. These are both equally valid ways to break the cycle

[starship-melancholy]

Sometimes people (my mum) ask me how I knew that Moose was the right guy for me.

Now this might not be the universal guide on how to identify your soulmate, but here's how I found mine.

He flat out asked me if I was a psychopath because we were vibing too hard after talking for 24 hours straight.

He took me in from the street after having met only once with the sentence "if this doesn't work out, will you be in any bigger shit than what you are right now?"

When we were in a long distance relationship, he used to leave Skype on 24/7 so we could just be together while going about our days and read me goodnight stories when I couldn't sleep.

When I'm in a bad mood, or feel small or we are in the car and we see animals, he makes up these cute little stories about all the animals and what their lives are like.

He once wrote to the repair shop that had my laptop Kasper, asking them to check in on him and make sure he was ok, because I was worried that the other computers would bully him.

He used to own this huge ass ancient monitor called Hugo. He got it when he was 15 and he still had it around when we moved in together. Eventually Hugo became so old and crappy that we needed to find a replacement for him, but Moose didn't have it in him to just toss Hugo. So we placed him on the street where the free to take stuff would be and Moose wrote a note that read something like this: "This is Hugo. He is a beloved machine, but he's a bit old and frail now. He can be a great room heater, he's also excellent for drying socks and can even toast bread if you're patient enough. Please take good care of him. I would also like to know that he went to a loving new home, so please, if you take him in, send me a message to [email address]. Thank you!"

The thing is, Moose might be moody, he might be obsessed with and talk incessantly about things I don't know or care much about, he might tell you the same HORRIBLE joke 100000000 times (and laugh about it Every. Single. Time. so hard that he goes into a coughing fit), but you know what? That's the guy I'd marry again and again and again, all day every day.

[inksplit]

[ollielephant]

[cumonthevoid]

none pizza with left beef

[the-chocolate-chip-pancake-blog]

It should be a rule of Tumblr to always reblog none pizza with left beef

[babymarkers]

ive missed you

[montparnah-deactivated]

#THIS IS MY FAVORITE FUCKING THING JUST THE BEEF#YOU COULD TELL THE POOR CHEF WAS JUST FUCKING#DISGUSTED#WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS#WHAT THE F U C K IS THIS#WHO THE FUCK ORDERS A#A /NONE/ PIZZA?? JUST BEEF ON THE LEFT???#FUCK IT#F U CK IT#JUST COOK THE FUCKING DOUGH#HERE LET ME THROW THIS FUCKING HANDFUL OF OBLONG BEEF CHUNKS AT YOUR NONE FUCKING PIZZA#FUCK YOU#FUCK YOU AND ALL YOU STAND FOR#LEFT FUCKING BEEF (via askscientistcarlos)

[ineffable-raccoon]

I love None Pizza with Left Beef.

[tonyswirl]

3th time i’ve reblogged this

[microdeers-moved-blog]

3th

[victoriaringsinyourears]

tumblr people love this. reddit people love this. 4chan scum loves this. there is just something intrinsically hilarious about none pizza with left beef. bless 

[pixie-mage]

I hope this never dies. I hope None Pizza with Left Beef will go down in Internet history alongside such legends as the Rickroll and He-Man’s rendition of “What’s Going On”.

[rockinoutforthdead-deactivated2]

i just laughed for a minute straight 

why

[gaysatanicclown]

Always reblog none pizza with left beef

[gingerbreaddrarry]

I shouted out loud “none pizza with left beef” because I was so overjoyed to see it again so unexpectedly

[chaoticneurodivergent]

Yay none pizza with left beef is back on my dash!

[biblically-accurate-soup]

@tokaywineandcheese none pizza left beef

[starship-melancholy]

I just realised something. In the disabled community I come across a million iterations of the message that you don't need to be able to produce anything of monetary or other societally accepted value to be worthy and valid.

And I wholeheartedly, 100% agree with this message!!

But.

I also often find that this message comes in a context or is being framed in a way that can be very disheartening and discouraging to some people. I used to be one of those people.

So I would just like to put this out for whoever needs to hear this:

It's ok if you are not there yet! It's ok if you can't internalise the concept of inherent self-worth without defining yourself by the things you create! It's ok if you feel like the only way you can contribute is by doing things. It's ok to take pride in your ability to work/give monetary support to someone. It's ok if you feel like the only thing you have going for you is your ability to produce. It's ok to thrive for academic/career success, it's ok to want to be a productive part of society. It's ok if you make yourself feel better by thinking about bringing in money and putting food on the table. It's ok if the way you can see/internalise your own worth is within the framework you've been taught by your family/school/society. That is good and valid too!

I wish for you to grow in self-esteem and one day be able to see that you do have other things going for you, that you have amazing things to give this world just by existing in it. Things only you can do and that those are equally important, and defining your self-worth by them is equally valid.

But if you just can't see it yet, that's fine. If you can never see it, that's fine too. The only important thing is finding something that makes you feel good about yourself!

[starship-melancholy]

Last night I was sitting in the garden, having one of those long, important conversations with my love. We talked about our pasts, relationships that went wrong, ways we got hurt and lessons we've learnt on the way. We reflected on who we used to be before we met and the ways we have shaped each other.

I love having these conversations with him. I welcome and cherish every thought, every bit of information, every insight he chooses to share with me. I love reaching new conclusions, epiphanies and emotional release together.

And I love sharing. I love feeling safe and seen and heard and understood. Feeling forgiven. Being in perfect balance with someone, giving and receiving at the same time and how it feels effortless and natural.

In the end, these are the conversations that mend my soul. These moments of emotional and intellectual intimacy are the ones that give me the strength to fight on, the things worth working for, getting up in the morning for. This sense of belonging is my reward for having made it this far.

[starship-melancholy]

You decide what you assign value to.

I keep feeling useless because all I feel like doing is writing long rambling posts about things that are on my mind instead of doing whatever I would consider being productive.

But then again, I'm writing these things down because I'm processing emotions and it helps me understand myself better, putting them in text form. And I am posting them because deep down I hope that some day, someone will read something I've written and it'll make a difference for them. It might be a tiny difference, but if somebody gets some comfort or just a new perspective to consider out of my thoughts, I feel like I've made a small step towards making the world a better place.

But what if that's not the case? Just for the sake of the argument let's say nobody will ever find anything I've written relatable, comforting or thought-inducing? Does that make my stream of consciousness style blogging completely pointless?

In the end it all comes down to what we assign value to. And I would like to think that me doing something for myself and my primary goal being self-discovery and healing through writing is good enough. In the end it's never been about y'all. I sincerely hope that some of you might find some value in it for yourselves, but I'm not a professional writer, I'm not an entertainer and I'm not a preacher. I'm just a guy who finds it easier to process shit by writing it down. And I have a lot of shit to process, so these days I'm writing a lot.

Healing is hard work, but it's work I'm finally able to do. So I'll be damned if I don't write down every jumbled thought, every emotional breakthrough, every tiny victory I make along the way.

And if y'all like my stories, I'm happy. And if you don't? Well... I'm still happy, because I do.

[starship-melancholy]

Today I talked to my therapist about the medication I tried and I could only describe its effect as "a true game changer". She asked me to elaborate, so I compiled a list of things that I noticed after taking it a few times:

I never realised I had "brain fog" or "brain clutter" until I hadn't... And boy is there a difference!

A bunch of the things I thought of as dissociative experiences... I'm not so sure anymore. The whole thing where I feel like I can't process visual input and I feel disconnected from the world/as if things around me were unreal... Completely gone.

My auditory processing is majorly improved. Not quite on par with a healthy individual's, but WAY better than anything I've ever had before.

I can recall information from memory. It's wild.

I can carry out entire trains of thought without losing track.

I feel a sense of calm and ease, basically no anxiety, or like, just the normal amount/reasonable anxiety.

I can have conversations at my leisure. They aren't difficult or taxing as they usually are, I can just have them.

I can focus on things, even if they aren't interesting or engaging.

I can at least somewhat divide my attention without getting overwhelmed or losing track of everything.

The constant leaden tiredness is gone, I can find motivation to do things and I have a way easier time getting started.

I can also finish the things I started.

Furthermore, I have the stability to tackle my tasks, and not see every little thing as this exhausting and almost impossible obstacle, just regular things that are easy or hard, but definitely doable. It kinda makes me an optimist.

I can handle emotions on like a human level. All my troubles and issues are still there, but I also know that I can learn to cope with them and I can let go of them after having felt and internalised them.

If I do get overwhelmed, it's way easier to calm down and get back to my equilibrium.

I have the capacity of actually making and keeping plans. Not all of them, and not enough to compensate for all my disabilities, but enough to allow me to start building the structures that would help me become more functional.

In general, I can sum it up like this: these pills won't "cure" me and they won't magically fix my life, but that's not what I expected either. What they do do is, they unlock my potential and elevate me to a level where hard work is enough. I don't mind having to fight, I don't mind having to work my ass off for results, but it's an amazing feeling, knowing that it's no longer about no matter how hard I try I can't do shit. Now, if I give it my best, I actually stand a chance, and that's all I ever needed.

[yuyuuyuyuu-deactivated20230726]

“Your trauma made you stronger”

It absolutely did not. It did make me funnier though

[starship-melancholy]

So these organising/productivity apps have never worked for me. I find it an enormous chore to write a list of things I have to do and then they are a constant source of pressure and anxiety, usually way more so than just having the list in my head (which generally works ok for me).

But then Cat started using one and he asked if I would like to try it for myself because this app helps him a lot and if we both used it, we could share tasks and stuff with each other. So, mostly just to humour him, I signed up for it too.

First off, the app can only be used in a way I like it if you have a premium subscription, but it's about $2.99 a month so like, who cares, I have 3 bucks to spare for something that might actually work out for me.

It took a while to set it up, because I use a label system so I can sort my tasks by category, location, importance and urgency (and whether the task is specific to either me or TP). But once that part was done, I found myself liking it quite a lot. I've been using it for 3 days now and so far it seems easy and rewarding enough to see myself actually sticking with it.

Here's what I found out about it so far:

I love that it integrates with my calendar where I keep all my appointments and stuff so I can see the daily agenda with all the calendar appointments while it doesn't clutter my shared family calendar with my personal tasks.

It comes with a widget so I can add, cross over and view all my tasks without me having to open the app – this makes it about 80% more likely that I'll actually use it, as it now sits next to my calendar on separate pages of my home screen, and I can just flip right to access it.

I can filter my tasks by label or time, so I don't have to keep track of everything at once and I don't get overwhelmed.

I can set up repeat tasks that send me a notification/set off an alarm every time I have to do the task. You can also set up notifications/alarms for any task.

The app comes with a default timeline of "today", "tomorrow", "coming up" and "someday", which means I get a good overview of the near future and I can remember "get it done eventually" things too.

The feeling of getting to cross something off the list is actually rewarding.

And I find that even when I feel like I haven't accomplished anything and have been useless the whole day, by the evening I can see 5-6 tasks crossed off, proving that I have indeed been doing things, I just didn't notice. This is super nice because in my head (because of my disabled experience) every household chore has to be exhausting or painful, otherwise it doesn't count. This method actively works against that belief, teaching me that I can be productive and make a progress without having to suffer.

[fennecandco]

Trauma didn't make me nice, I consciously made me nice because I don't want anyone else to suffer like I did. Trauma didn't make me strong, I made me strong. Don't you dare ever tell me my trauma made me anything but scared, broken, and confused. Don't give credit to the abusers for me being a good person. They didn't make me good, I made myself good.