**content warning: suicidal thoughts, self-harm, cutting, family problems, mothers**
Oh my god anon, you are not over analyzing for attention. Please let me remind you and everyone else reading that “acting out” for attention is a symptom of needing attention, for a specific disorder or bad situation. Let me repeat, putting yourself in harms way “for attention”, means you need attention!! People who don’t genuinely require attention, do not hurt themselves because they want it. It is not and it is never bad or silly to “attention-seek” for help, whatever it is you need help with.
It’s easy to feel that you are exaggerating your problems for attention, when that is the message getting sent to you by people in your life and society as a whole. Look at how you phrased this anon, “my generation tends to do that”. Teenagers and kids have been told that their problems don’t matter, that they’re over-exaggerating, that they’re just seeking attention, since before time itself.
Today’s hyperbolic memes aside, this is no more true now than it was fifty years ago. Adults tend to look down on the experiences of kids and teens, (especially young girls, mentally ill and disabled kids, queer kids, kids of color,), they forget we are people. It is easy to accept that and feel it is true when we have been told this message for so long, to internalize it and not question it. It becomes your inner voice. Focus, how do YOU feel and what is YOUR BODY telling you it’s feeling?
Remember, no matter what anyone tells you, your emotions and your perceptions of your emotions, your thoughts, they are valid and they matter. It is not abnormal to feel suicidal when you have Misophonia. Every teen Misophonic I know has struggled with it. It’s because Misophonia is scary! It’s painful! It terrorizes you, it makes you feel there is no way out, that everything is out of control.
Remember that this is not true. It is also far too easy to accept that bad ideas like that are true when you are scared. Remember movies and tv shows, stories where the villain recruits new villains to work alongside them. Something you’ll notice quickly is that the villain takes the hero when they are at their weakest, their most broken down and scared. Then they lie to them. When watching this, it’s difficult to understand how the hero could believe such ridiculous lies! You can easily see from your detached viewpoint that the hero only believes this because they are in pain. The hero can’t see any good prospects, anything good in their life. Nothing beautiful on the horizon. When they’re like this, it’s easy to see how when the villain tells them that poison is a magic potion that’ll cure everything, they’ll believe such an obvious lie. Because when you can’t see anything good, its way too easy to mistake bad things for good ones.
Think of the “villain” in this situation as mental illness. If I could draw this out like Steven usually does I would. I hope you’re getting the picture with just my words. Unless this is more ramble-y and incoherent than I thought, in which case know I care for you and I’m trying my best rn, and I’ll rewrite when I can.
Anyways, what’s most important for you to remember here is that you are not alone. There are people who have been through and are going through the exact same thing. There are people who care about you. I think I can say with a pretty high degree of safety that most of my followers and mutuals here are among that group.
Not only are there people who have been through this exact same thing, they have come out of it too. I’m not saying Misophonia goes away, but after your teen years, it really does get better. You have a future. You have a life and you can make it yours. Do you know how precious a human life is anon? How precious your life is? It’s more than you could ever know, more than could ever be counted or calculated. One day you will have control over your life, over your situation. Yes Misophonia will be a part of it, but it gets less controlling when you’re an adult.
I’d be the first to admit that my hopes and dreams for my adult life have been drastically changed by my disorders. Changed anon, not killed. There is so much out there for you to be excited for! What you held on for yesterday and today and tomorrow might not all be the same but oh I can promise you there will always be something to hold onto, if you look. When you can’t find anything, remember the stories with the weathered heroes who can’t see the good things right in front of them. No, maybe their good things aren’t the exact same as yours, but in both cases, they are always there. if you still can’t find them, you have the power to make your own, even if you don’t know it yet.
You can have a great life anon. You can have a great future. I know what it’s like to not be able to see it, but I promise it’s there waiting.
Things won’t always be as they are right now. Change is as inevitable as the passing of time. There are plenty of things that may be able to help you.
Anxiety medication might help you, (I know it’s helped me and a few others), counseling might help you, (also helped me and others like us), definitely antidepressants. (Again, has been very helpful for me and many other Misophonics I know.) These things also might take time to work. They all take a long journey of trial and error. I know you’re probably tired of hearing that already, but please trust me that every single second of waiting in pain has been worth it, 100 times over. I genuinely, hand-on-my-heart, mean that.
Anonymous, I need to repeat this, I need to know that you get it. You are not making this up for attention. You, like many others before you and with you, are experiencing serious repercussions on your mental health from living with Misophonia. It is a beyond-terrible, straight-from-hell disorder that yes, you, like all of us, will survive, will live beyond in ways you can’t imagine right now, but is currently endangering you.
Please, don’t underestimate the effect it’s having on your mental health. Don’t understate it, or make excuses for it. You need and deserve help, anon.
I’m terribly sorry about how your mom is treating you. You deserve so much better. Even if she doesn’t understand Misophonia, maybe she will take your mental health seriously, especially if you tell her that you’re suicidal. Which, I urge you to do. I know it will not be anywhere near easy, but believe me when I say it’s necessary. Don’t panic, you don’t have to do anything major right away. There’s no time limit. When you’ve worked up the courage, just be honest. Be brave.
If she has a bad reaction, if she invalidates your feelings or brushes it off, please know that has everything to do with her, and absolutely nothing to do with the severity of your pain. And be proud! One of the most difficult and important parts of learning to thrive with this disorder, maybe the most important part, is learning how to communicate about it. About your pain, and about your needs. Once you learn how to do this, once you practice and get good at it, trust me, everything is easier.
Whether you end up talking to her about it or not, be proud of yourself for recognizing you need help, and reaching out to me. Asking for help is both incredibly brave and the biggest favor you could do for yourself. You deserve it anon, you deserve help.
Another thing I want to talk to you about is guilt. Something a lot of mentally ill and disabled people, people with unique needs, have to go through, is people in their lives trying to make them feel guilty for those needs. For demanding to have those needs met. No matter what it is you need, if it’s because of your disorder, if it’s your family you’re asking, demanding they meet your needs is never, ever an unreasonable thing to do. It is in fact, necessary.
You are her child. It is her responsibility to take care of you, to love and nurture you, and to respect you. You deserve those things. Every child deserves those things, inherently. You are not an exception to that. You are no less important than anyone else, your needs are no less important than anyone else.
Sometimes people in our lives act like us being Misophonics is worse for them then it is for us. That can never be true. Ultimately, the worst those people experience because of our Misophonia, is inconveniences. Or, even, sadness and frustration on our behalf. We, you, are the one in serious pain here. Maybe that sounds selfish, to care about only our pain. But when the topic is our disorder, and for some, for me, our disability, that is exactly what we need to do.
I have seen guilt rip up Misophonics from the inside. Guilt they do not deserve. Having our Misophonia triggered does not only do damage to our body over time, is is a legitimately traumatizing experience. It does damage to our psych, our mental health overall. We need to avoid it at all costs. If doing so hurts other people, that really is too bad, and we should be mindful of how we can lessen that. But when you’re young, when it’s at it’s worst, when no one respects your disorder and your pain, when you’re overwhelmed and in agony and barely beginning to understand what’s happening to you, when people equate their inconvenience to that agony, to this whole experience, we really cannot afford giving them that mindfulness.
When you are struggling with if your pain matters or not, when they are not doing anything but making that feeling worse, when they try to make you feel bad for them, bad for needing things, bad for being Misophonic, excuse my french, but f**k them. They are your family! You are the one in pain here! They need to wake tf up and do better by you, you deserve better!
So never doubt the validity of your pain. Never apologize for needing things. Demand better! This society thrives off our self-hatred and self-doubt, don’t give it to them! You are important damn it! You deserve help! You deserve sympathy! Your family owes those things to you!
Anon I love you. You are stronger than you could ever, ever know. I am on your side. Take care of yourself because you are worthy of it, because you have a future. You will find people, (you have! right here!) who will listen to you and respect you and love you. This awful situation is not permanent, it will not be your end. This disorder really does get easier as an adult, enduring this really will be worth it. I let my rage lead me out of the worst of it, which probably isn’t for everyone. But I do know this, you will find your way.
