TW weight loss, binge eating (but not putting under a “read more” because this is important)
"everything will be better when i’m thinner, and i’ll love myself more."
that, my friends, is a giant stanky pile of horseshit.
the first two photos are around 40 pounds ago. i had just finished the hCG diet (google it if you must but for the love of god please don’t do it) and felt great about myself. i wasn’t binging anymore and finally enjoyed eating healthy foods.
the reality was, i remember having my mom take that first photo (during a trip to maui that was filled with her constant remarks about how great i looked) and nearly crying when i looked at it because i still thought my legs were too big and i was too wide and my waist wasn’t defined enough and i should have stood up taller so i looked thinner. that second photo was my “after” for my hCG diet blog. i spent 20 minutes perfectly angling my body and re-lighting the room, hiding my “fat arms” behind my body and sucking in my stomach and using my hair to hide my weird collarbone and sticking my face out to avoid double chin and cropping the photo so my legs were barely seen. i still wanted to lose another 25 pounds. while, for about six months, i wasn’t going out and buying binge food, i’d go apeshit every time there was something unhealthy around and eat as much as i could without drawing attention to myself. obviously, and most importantly, this “healthy” mindset and body didn’t even last the rest of the school year.
i wasn’t satisfied. i’ve never been satisfied, even at my lowest weight. i made up things to hate about myself and gave them nicknames so that i could self-deprecate and drag down my self-confidence in public. i called my back fat my “wings”. i decided i had an “eagle nose” and “monkey cheeks”. i thought that my “wide ass” was stupid looking and that i had “man shoulders”.
when you hate yourself, you don’t realize how deeply engrained it is. you don’t realize that it’s you keeping yourself sucked down in that hole, because you’re so afraid of what would happen if you actually gave yourself exactly as you are a chance. it isn’t until you stop hating yourself that you see this horrible cycle and wonder how it could have ever seemed logical.
i’m sick of sucking in my stomach. i’m sick of avoiding photos when i’m wearing sleeveless tops. i’m sick of practicing how to perfectly angle my face in front of the mirror. i’m sick of constantly trying to make myself smaller. i’m sick of being ashamed that i take up space.
today, my aunt and i took my two-year-old cousin to the pool. i couldn’t find my pink swimming suit anywhere. just the bikini, which i used in the beginning of the year for a secret “before” photoshoot (i’d be lying if i said that i don’t still think about losing weight every goddamn day). i saw it as a sign that i needed to wear the bikini again, and put it on with the full intention of feeling shitty about myself and getting back on the weight loss bandwagon. but instead, i discovered a side effect of being nearly a year into completely focusing on recovery: i really could give two and a half fucks about how i look right now. yes, my body is bigger. why should that be inherently bad? and even if it was inherently bad, when you measure (pun intended) it up against all of the things i’ve accomplished this past year, being two pant sizes larger is laughably insignificant.
so here it is, my body, without fancy lighting or makeup or posing, in all of its pale, stretch-marked glory.
my body has stuck with me through 13 years of dieting, binge eating, and abuse. it deserves to take up as much space as it damn well pleases while it heals. it deserves the love that i am too busy dedicating to the “perfect” body of my dreams. my body has kept me alive for nearly 22 years, how much more perfect can you get?
maybe i’ll look at these photos in 5 minutes and wonder how i could possibly accept something so disgusting, but right now, i’m okay in this skin. i wouldn’t say i love myself completely quite yet - i eventually found the pink swimsuit and wore it because i wasn’t comfortable going out in the bikini. but i don’t hate myself, and that’s a pretty big fucking deal.
turnnoffyourmind
vaporwave
janainaart
origamiaround
pixelskylines
