Trigger Warning: Mentions of Sexual Abuse, Suicide, Self-Harm. They're mild though, but still, just in case.
All the hurt, all the lies and all the tears that she's cried could never amount to the person she found herself to be in the bathroom at three in the morning.
Uncertainty fills Eilidh's mind and heart as she curls up tighter in the bathtub; She's been here since midnight and hasn't moved from her position at all because all her bed is filled with is nightmares and memories that Eilidh wants nothing more than to forget.
Forget, Forget, Forget. That's all she wants, she wants to forget. She wants to forget the feeling of her filthy Chemistry teacher's touch, she wants to forget the way people looked at her after she opened up about the attack, she wants to forget the ignorance, the mind games, the pain, the unbelievable idea that it was her fault that she was assaulted.
She wants to forget that she can't keep a promise she made to the only person she wanted to reach for the stars with.
Eilidh's brown eyes water; she broke a promise that she never wanted to break and she knows that she can never fix. She's not broken or fragile, she's not anything at all-- All she is, is damaged goods, that's what she is. She's the broken china doll that's fallen from the shelf that nobody really cared about in the first place, she's a chipped tooth of a child who is careless and free, she's a black dot in the middle of a white page that you can never erase or cover up; she's a stain.
When she was seven, her mother bought her a gift. Eilidh remembers being confused because it wasn't her birthday, nor was it Christmas yet her mother pushed the small, blue velvet box into her hands anyway and when Eilidh opened it, she remembers that her entire world shone brighter, just because of one simple gift.
It was a ring, a very beautiful ring with a Sapphire that was bluer than the sky and prettier than her teacher, Ms. Kelley. "Mama, it's beautiful." Eilidh remembers gushing as she pulled the ring out of the box and slipped it on to her tiny finger.
And when her Mama pulled her in for a tight, heartfelt hug, Eilidh remembers hearing her whisper something she would never forget. "Treat it like your heart, my darling, do not lose it, do not break it, do not let anybody steal it. It is a piece of you; only give it away when they themselves have given you a piece of them."
Eilidh hadn't realized she meant somebody she loved until she looked into the eyes that were as blue as the Sapphire on her finger.
She clenches her fist, the ring no longer sits on her finger. Instead, it sits on a chain that's wrapped around her neck and kept tucked under her shirt, close to her heart because that's the only place that believes she's still pure. Only in her heart does she know that the only thing she had control over was stolen from her, only in her heart does she believe that she's still human and not an entity of nothing, living simply because the world needed her to.
When her vision returns to its normal state after blinking away the blur of tears, Eilidh finds herself standing up. She blindly fumbles for the shower knob and promptly twists it, a sudden stream of water bursting onto her face, though she doesn't jump, nor does she scream. No reaction comes from the girl as she sits back down, the water hitting her continuously as she curls up into the tight ball again.
Her clothes begin to stick to her skin, the sopping wet fabric becoming a part of her as she leans her head back against the wall. When the water continues to hit her face, Eilidh bows her head again and lets out a gentle whimper, one that she had been holding in from the moment she woke up because she hated people hearing her cry. Soon, the whimper turns into a sob and she's shaking, sobbing and searching for a way to relieve the pain of her mind.
She doesn't want to hurt herself, no. Hurting herself would do nothing for her, she knew that already because she had seen her best friend-- before Matthew, go through that pain and she knows that even if she tried, she would only be punished because "that behaviour is not tolerated here at Eastwick, Parkwood, perhaps, but never Eastwick."
So instead, she shoves the plug into the plug hole and twists the taps of the bathtub on to create two more streams of water that promptly fill the tub until it's nearly over flowing, in fact, when Eilidh shifts to turn all the taps off, water sloshes over the edge and she's almost afraid that she'll wake someone up, but when nobody makes a call or even bursts through the bathroom, door, Eilidh settles back.
She grips the edges of the bathtub and with a deep breath in, she lowers herself back into the abundance of water. Her head submerges and she lets go of the breath she had been holding, the bubbles of air beginning to burst around her as she holds herself beneath the water. Her eyes remain tightly shut as her grip on the edge of the bath tub becomes tighter. This isn't to kill herself, no, not at all; though she may have wanted to do that once upon a time, she can't bring herself to do it. However, if she accidentally forgot to come up for air, Eilidh was sure she wouldn't mind. Dying was much easier than living anyway.
As she begins to struggle for air, Eilidh's entire life begins to flash before her.
She's a newborn again, in her mother's arms. Her father's singing her a lullaby because she won't sleep.
Flash, she's four and she's getting her ears pierced for the first time. She's assuring her Mama that she's a big, brave girl and she can handle the piercing guns.
Flash, she's eight, flash, nine, flash twelve, flash, fifteen. She's meeting Matthew for the very first time and she's looking into his eyes, the eyes that were the same colour as the Sapphire around her neck. Flash, it's her seventeenth birthday and she's standing quietly in a room full of people, everybody who is there are people who all care about her but it's missing something.
It's missing someone.
Her body lurches upwards when she hears a loud knock on her door and she gasps for air, but with what little oxygen she's obtained already, she can only choke out one thing, it's a name.
"Matthew." she whimpers once, the water sloshing over the side of the tub again. And she's found her will to try, she's found the lion in her heart, the beast in her belly. She's found the superhero she needs, but it all comes back to one thing.
"No, I did not accidentally knock over all the apples in the kitchen when I was trying to get a glass of water, that wasn't me. I don't know who that was at all..."
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