❝ our home in the stars ❞

[wnq-writers]

I don’t think people love me. I think they love versions of me I have spun for them, versions of me they have construed in their minds. The easy versions of me, the easy parts of me to love.

allisoninwonderland96, Versions? (via wnq-writers)

[yourresidentginger]

my anxiety has a loophole that if somebody is else is equally or more uncomfortable I develop the sudden ability to Do The Thing

[castielsteenwolf]

i cant go and ask for more ketchup for myself but if my friend wants more ketchup im out of my seat in a second

[stellaeforged-blog]

@halsionic continued from here because yes angst !! 

ah, how FRUSTRATING this man could be. her eyes remained harsh and unwavering as he fumbled for words - no, for EXCUSES, while she’d be left in the dark of the memories of what had happened AFTER his ( unnecessary ) departure. that was something she could never speak of, not even to HIM ( and it made her feel as if she was going mad all over again - that loneliness, those thoughts and needs , it felt as if it was happening all over again and yet it felt as if this time , it hurt so much more ). but it wasn’t like she could be so open about that, now, RIGHT? that was in the past, and like him, she was trying to push through it. TRYING being the key word. 

“i wouldn’t have given you FORGIVENESS either way,” she spat, venom dripping from her tongue as she looked elsewhere, sighing to herself to envelope the shaking of her words, of her voice with some form of exasperation. maybe he wouldn’t notice such anxiety, such pain - perhaps he’d dub it as IRRITATION and move onward with the conversation. “neither of us knew what was going to happen, but you took NO THOUGHT into how i was going to take that. how i was going to take your stupid fucking SACRIFICE that was supposed to save me, but you know what?” 

her hands began to shake, tremor with the rising sense of PANIC as she merely shook her head, anger flashing upon dark hues as she looked elsewhere in a defiant manner. no, no, she couldn’t let go of her pride now. not now, of all times. she had to prove to him what he was too blind to see, what he hadn’t LIVED to see - but alas, that was something that she couldn’t afford to bring to light. 

“that supposedly right thing that you did, that fucking RUINED me ! leaving me alone, it . . . i . . .” her eyes instead flicker about, flutter to each exit, to each doorway ( calculate a way to escape, to LEAVE, because she couldn’t take this awkwardness and this vulnerability much longer ), a quaking sigh escaping her once again as her breathing began to hitch. “you left me alone, and in the end, i don’t even know if i feel like anything is much different NOW. i still feel alone. i still feel like you’re out of reach -” that she’s going MAD. and she couldn’t control ANY of that. 

[stellaeforged-blog]

@halsionic bc wow !!! sudden muse for insane!carrie is sudden 

no, NO, this isn’t real! this cannot be real! her mind wept as she clawed desperately at her hair, dirty fingernails digging into ragged skin in a meek attempt to jerk herself awake from this place, from this NIGHTMARE ( but what would she wake up ? to that dysfunctional && HELLISH place that her mother, her brother, that IMPOSTOR of a father called a H O M E ? to the arms of a CORPSE ? ) ah, the thought of these things drove her mad - as if she wasn’t already - drove her to the dangerous curiosity of what COULD happen if she were to escape to that reality. could she possibly flee from this terror? from the voices and the pain and the MONSTERS that lurked here in this lonely place? or would she be subjected to this torment for the things that she had done before? perhaps ( she deserved such a thing, too - it was fitting, really ). 

a part of her wanted to laugh, to CACKLE with the sickening sense of HYSTERIA as she began to shake in her own arms. a home ? peace ? ha, what blasphemy ! what naivety, what STUPIDITY, for her to even think of such a thing ! there was no home in a world like this, there was no escape ! no escape for a hellish being like her ! no, no, this was HELL ! this was hell in the finest of states ! perhaps this was the worst part, or perhaps it was the best ! maybe the zombies were just subjects of this torment, and she was to take them out of their misery ! or maybe SHE was the subject to this torment, and they were just good, INNOCENT beings that wished to take her out of her own misery ! ah, how fitting that would be ! her life was not HERS, never hers in the first place ! when could it have been hers ? maybe she missed that chance, and maybe GOD or some almighty person had decided that she was too unstable, too stupid, too ANYTHING to take care of herself - so they brought her someone to lead her through this PURGATORY ( only to let her fall into this pit with their departure , oh, how SMART indeed ! )

the thoughts were loud, intrusive, too real, too harsh, TOO MUCH for her to bear ( for her nails began to dig, began to RIP into her skin as she dug her hands into her face, into her head to get the thoughts out, get them OUT ), but alas, they were unrelenting, too STRONG for a weak little girl like her to push too far away. “calm, calm down, CALM DOWN,” she chanted, PRAYED to the god whose ear was turned her way ( but no one would dare to listen to a doomed world like this, no one would turn to listen to the HELL that this place had contorted itself to be ). and in the end, she was alone with her thoughts, alone with the decisions and the needs and the pleas that every part of her bent to - so she followed them. 

hands SHOOK as they grabbed ahold of the gun that rested upon her bed, the rust like a CROWN as it flaked upon its form. she clung to it, grasped it as tightly as she could, the muzzle of the handgun BORING its eye into her own ( was it encouraging her ? perhaps, perhaps it was urging her, giving her the aid that she so desperately needed for something so large like this ). could she do this ? should she do this ? she should, she NEEDED to, otherwise they would get her, they would take her away just like they took HIM away, just like they took her family and her friends and everyone away ( but where would they take her ? they wouldn’t take her to heaven, no, definitely not, but if this was hell - and it was, she KNEW that it was - then where would they take her then ? ). maybe this would make it easier for them, make it better ( because it wasn’t like she was living for anything now, right ? ). 

one bullet , she counted to herself as dazed eyes flickered over the petite item that rolled between her fingertips. one time , just press the trigger, just ONE MOMENT of pain - 

“it’ll be okay.” 

the voice made her falter, dull eyes flickering up to the woman that stood before her. her eyes were soft, glistening ( ah, an ANGEL ? a GODDESS ? yes, that must be, she did not hold the harshness of this world, she held only good, only love, only TENDERNESS in those eyes ), her hand reaching to GHOST over her bleeding cheek. ah, was this what dying was like ? it couldn’t be, it wasn’t supposed to be peaceful, it wasn’t supposed to be gentle and pleasant, it was supposed to be HEARTBREAKING && UGLY && PAINFUL ! this wasn’t dying, this couldn’t be dying ! 

“you’ll be okay. do you want me to help, perhaps?” the voice of hers was soft, was WHIMSICAL, enchanting the child into giving a slight nod and a hitch in her breath with the sudden panic that pulsed through her. would she go to heaven, would she go to where eden && her mother && her family was ? she wanted to, SHE WANTED TO, but was that possible for her ? 

N O.

“you’ll be with everyone soon, I PROMISE,” the girl whispered, hand enveloping her own as she guided the gun to her temple. “you’ll be happy soon, i know it. you’ll be okay soon, I PROMISE,” she choked, the tears that beaded such beautiful eyes beginning to fall as she held her finger over the trigger alongside her. “please don’t be scared. it’ll be over in a moment,” the woman whispered - 

and the last thing carolina saw was the empty wall of her room as she pulled the trigger. 

[brianashanee]

Why not fall in love?

I got shit to do

[stellaeforged-blog]

headcanon : family !! ( PART 1 !! )

CAROLINA’S relationship with her family varies depending on which person she may be asked about. she can be tender, playful, awkward, or HOSTILE when it comes to each person of her family; however, the family member that has had the DEEPEST impact on her has been her FATHER. 

to start this off, she never truly knew her father in the way her mother knew him. that was easy to say, considering that she only knew him for five years of her life while her mother knew him for decades, travelling with him in the midst of the start of her first job and life away from her parents. however, at the time that she was with her father, she did not recognize what he was doing to her mother, or what he was doing to her siblings. 

for some, abuse never really can be SEEN through the victim’s eyes- for her mother, who was so SMART && INTELLIGENT && GREAT, she was no exception. her father abused her mother MENTALLY && EMOTIONALLY, his greed deeply rooted in his more poor and devastated past ( however, carolina does not find that this is of any EXCUSE to the way that he used and treated her family ). with that greed embedded in his actions, desires, and ways, the man often tore down her mother with harsh words, mocking her APPEARANCE && INTELLIGENCE and instead finding her flaws, such as her weight or her more outspoken personality. he tore down much of her family, leaving them in SHAMBLES in the aftermath of his wrath. his greed and wrath were his two worst sins, and they were the two things that had RUINED the only good things that he had ( or that’s how carolina sees it ). 

in the current day, carolina has managed to REPRESS all of the trauma that he has induced on her and her family back in her early childhood. the only memories she has begin when she and her family were out of her father’s grip, though those memories that she’d repressed for so long are beginning to unravel and TERRORIZE her in her sleep or when she is alone. these memories have sprouted a fear of MEN, TOUCH, INTIMACY && COMMITMENT in her, and so because of this, she prefers to keep her friends at a distance ; she prefers QUANTITY OVER QUALITY, merely because she can’t allow someone to affect her the way that her father had so long ago. 

[doriimer]

[rosa-etoile]

[stellaeforged-blog]

@halsionic bc bitter carrie after eden’s death is very necessary

“no, STOP, please-” the man reaches out to touch her, COMFORT sought in such a grab ( but no, he will NOT touch her, he CANNOT touch her ), and her hand moves quickly, the butt of her gun smashing against the man’s skull. he only stumbles back, landing on his rear as he began to scramble away from the girl in a FEARFUL manner. “i- i didn’t do anything, the walker, it- it didn’t bite me, P L E A S E!” his sobs are PATHETIC ( they are the watery and choked sounds of a dying horse’s wails, almost- maybe that will make her feel somewhat better for slaughtering him. imagine it as taking a horse’s misery away ). 

“shut up,” the girl managed to mutter, loading the barrel before hefting it up, frowning just the slightest. “if you speak again, i’ll rip out that tongue of yours and feed it t’ya. got it?” his quivers and stifled whimpers only make her roll her eyes, frowning just the slightest. as she leaned closer to the gun to aim, a soft wail escapes the man. 

“please, i-i’ll do anything, just- just let me get back to my baby boy, my wife, ANYTHING, please, MERCY-” 

“there is NO MERCY in a place like this, you fuckin’ idiot!” the girl hissed, eyes flashing as she grabbed his mouth, digging her fingers into his chin as she dragged him up to his feet. “now, i TOLD ya to keep yer mouth shut. now there are gonna be some walkers walkin’ over here. maybe they’ll eat you and be full. i doubt it, though. but you went AGAINST what i just told you,” she murmured, voice lowering as her hand keeps his mouth open, clenched fist moving to the knife at her belt as she neared it to his face. 

“y’ready for taste something . . . N E W?” 

ah, her clothes got dirty again. nothing new, really, but irritating, nonetheless. how long would it take to scrub the red out, now? she didn’t know. she didn’t really care, though, either. it wasn’t like one had to CARE for how they looked, or if someone would judge them if she had blood on her ( and if they did, she’d gladly put more on her to shut their mouths ). eden wouldn’t like her doing such a thing, though. 

a falter. where did THAT thought come from? and, more importantly, where did the consideration of what H E wanted come from? he wasn’t important. he never WAS important to her. he was a crutch, her taking advantage of the stupidly NAIVE personality of his, using his innocent hope as an excuse to save her own skin, to find some reason to stay where her family might return to. 

but they didn’t. 

and in the end, HE was the one who left. 

but she didn’t care about that. no, NO, that couldn’t be possible. she had USED him, manipulated him into staying ( into staying WITH HER ), but in the end, he still did something so STUPID, so reckless- 

and she still HATED him for it. 

he didn’t matter, she repeated to herself. her hands are QUIVERING, slight trembles of the storm that brewed in her soul spreading, bringing CHAOS to her body as she clutched at the crusted locks of hair in a meek attempt to recompose herself. “he doesn’t matter. he NEVER MATTERED,” carrie managed to MUTTER, hands only curling into long locks of hair, roughly TUGGING in an attempt to pull herself into the reality he ABANDONED her in. remember, remember, REMEMBER what he did, remember that he left you here, the voices sung to her as she neared the reassuring softness of the mattress that she curled up on, though all she could do was collapse in a heap before it. her stomach is churning, turning as if it’s a snowball of her anxiety, tumbling and tumbling down this huge hill ( and she knew just how LOW she’d land, but in the end that didn’t matter - she just wanted this harsh reminder to leave just as quickly as it had come ). 

“he never mattered, he- he MEANT NOTHING TO ME,” she managed to gasp, the shallow breaths beginning to OVERWHELM her as her fingers dug into her scalp, vision blurring and bile rising to her throat as the recurring realizations and the worsening hysteria was beginning to clutch at her sense of reality. what had he meant to her? what had she meant to him? why did she want to know? she didn’t, she didn’t, she COULDN’T. she couldn’t care about that- about him. not after what he did.

slender fingers rake from her hair to her shoulder, hand shaking as the unfamiliar sensation of scars contort the olive skin of her shoulder. the marks of TEETH && CLAWS are scattered upon her body, leaving the only reminder of the reality she had slowly begun to slip from. how long ago had it been that THAT MAN had died? how long ago had she been ALONE? a long time. a long time, surely. she couldn’t have gotten these many scars, these many wounds in such a short time. eden wouldn’t have allowed that- 

but he wasn’t here anymore. it was only her. she had to stop torturing herself with the allusion that he was here, because he wasn’t. he would never be here again, because he left. he CHOSE to leave ( because defending her was his choice, and he knew that she could take care of herself, but the bastard had had his way and DIED because of that stupidity ), and she would never forgive him in the next life of that. 

“only me,” she managed to whisper into the ratty plush of the mattress. “only me.” 

the girl had been alone for years. she had no one for so long, but then, only then, had she realized that she was NEVER alone in the first place. 

she had M A D N E S S to keep her company. 

[stellaeforged-blog]

DAY 9: DESIRE !! 

despite her cold and apathetic exterior, DAISY holds a few desires that are a SLIGHT connection between her and the next adolescent. these desires hold a major part of her growth and her past, like ACCEPTANCE, FAMILY, and a sense of INTIMACY ( though she is not naive enough to believe that she would get such a thing so EASILY ). her desires are fleeting wants that more often than not are DISMISSED from her mind, although at times when she is truly alone does she yearn for such things the most.  

one of the main desires she has is CONTACT. since she was a small child, the girl lacked the CONTACT COMFORT ( something vital to a child’s development in EMPATHY, LOVE, AND A SENSE OF TRUST IN THEIR CARETAKER ) from her caregivers, instead having this by her elder brother. she treasures touch immensely, and because of this, she rarely allows someone to touch her if she does not INITIATE that contact. this desire of hers is carefully hidden, PRESERVED, for the handful of people that she’d show this desire to.  

[kneesocksfap]

[jellyabs]

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[doriimer]

[halsionic-archived-deactivated2]

( look at her , being all TSUNDERE — it’s okay , carrie , eden gets what you REALLY mean ) he nuzzled closer to her , fully WELCOMING & accepting of this addition of warmth next to him . “ you’re right , it’s always easy to hug P I L L O W S … but yeah , like this it’s MUCH BETTER — warmer . ( perhaps even safer ? ) “

( COLD , huh . with his free arm , he lightly PAT her head , smoothing her hair as if some comforting & understanding GUARDIAN ) ” ’s ok- ay . i was ’ COLD ’ too , so it works out , right ? “ ( chuckle ) ” feel grateful & S P E C I A L , you nerd . i don’t give out my wonderful & superb CUDDLIES willy-nilly to just ANYONE . “ ( but she’s right — HUSHING UP would a perfect idea right about now )

[stellaeforged-blog]

“nerd? if ANYONE’S gonna be a nerd here, it’s gonna be Y O U, mister,” she grumbled, though in the end could only sigh with her content, legs curled up into her body as she struggled to find the warmth that her body oh-so DESPERATELY needed. sure, she had gotten used to the rationing of food and the constant alertness for the zombies around them, but never would she ever find a way of getting used to the unbearable nips of COLD. thankfully, she now had someone to find warmth ( and the slightly PLEASANT closeness ) with. 

taking consideration of her own words, the girl sighs quietly into his shoulder, eyes fluttering closed as she began to relax. even though this WAS the apocalypse, and even though they were only paired for the sake of their own SKINS ( at the least, that was the only reason why SHE was still here ), the girl couldn’t help but feel safe- feel NEEDED in the other’s embrace. but that wasn’t supposed to happen, this wasn’t supposed to be anything PERSONAL- she couldn’t allow herself to become vulnerable to him. “let’s do this more often,” she demands, a slight FROWN contorting her features as she eagerly batted away her thoughts, only curling slender fingers into his shirt, tugging him close. 

[onlytwitterpics]

[yuai]