starfindr

sideblog | comms closed

[sticksandtwine]

im going to vomit and start crying AND start killing.

[sticksandtwine]

you know, if theyre just going to leave every time i come online, i’m just not going to cone online. no clue if they understand this, but i want them to be happy, and if they can’t do that with me around, then i’m gone.

[sticksandtwine]

i realize i have this mentality toward everything and its destroying my relationships. no clue why or how to fix it though.

[sticksandtwine]

vaguely glances down. that was two days ago?

anyway if some tweaker ever starts postingon my blog that ISNT me. uh. nuh uh.

[sticksandtwine]

no idea what the fuck occurred but suddenly like 3 blogs from 1 system are gone and idk if they were banned off the face of the earth or deleted but i’m so vaguely concerned. erm. parasocially

nobody is talking about them.

gulp.

[sticksandtwine]

anoning is so fun except for when it isn’t. constantly on the edge of breaking down. maybe even vomitting.

this couldve been easier. i couldve made this easier. it couldve been simple. why did i do that. why did you do that? why.

[sticksandtwine]

sometimes. sometimes

[sticksandtwine]

life is funny in that it ends when i kill myse

[sticksandtwine]

you know, if theyre just going to leave every time i come online, i’m just not going to cone online. no clue if they understand this, but i want them to be happy, and if they can’t do that with me around, then i’m gone.

[sticksandtwine]

i know they said “take a break,” but i wonder if that was just a way to get me out of their life without the guilt or responsibility of ending the friendship.

id like to believe it was unintentional, but they guilted me into staying when i tried to end it, because it is toxic. because the good cannot, here, make up for the bad.

and, sans that actually, i didn’t try to end it, i tried to tell them that it was toxic, that we are hurting one another and maybe we should consider it as an option, but that i wasn’t wholly supportive of it. but, still. guilt-tripping.

it hasn’t been that long in the grand scheme. but. still.

i dont know if theyre ever coming back, and i don’t want to wait if they aren’t. i should give them more time, i know. but.

itll be years. years, before they are better, most likely. and by then, we would have been far, far apart.

maybe i am a bad person. maybe its always been my fault — i’ve been catching blame since the other guy came into our lives, and most of it, maybe all, was due. maybe theres reason to this unrest — maybe the archetype is there for a reason. i don’t know.

it works for me that we don’t share a space in that regard. i don’t have to worry about them leaving — dying, more like, even if i know it isn’t that. just. it hurts more with the others.

i miss them. they won’t miss me, of course not. but. i don’t know.

i’m at a point where. i’ve taught myself silence. i just.

i don’t know.

don’t come back, i don’t miss you.

come back? i need you.

i’m going to sink my teeth into the barrel of the gun to leave one my only mark on the world.

[sticksandtwine]

i wonder if they even miss me

[sticksandtwine]

unsure if this is deluded or not but im like 99% sure my friends are being used to stalk me or.. something

after days of silence why did everyone suddenly decide to message me on the same day only to have minimal to no response or like.. substanial conversation

admittedly the latter may have been me. but

my point stands. that or im overthinking it. its not like theyre not allowed to be concerned for me? if they are?

the one im not talking with (per their request) liked my post about the same time and i just, im not crazy, no? they just all decided it was interact with s&t time, after days of silence, and its not like we talk anyways, i guess.

i kinda just want to fuck off. i feel. i dont know, i don’t feel like a pet in my relationships, not particularly, but i do in some ways? maybe its just the brain being silly. but

i don’t know. being around them makes my brain feel safer. until now, i guess? and its weird— i knew when they had told me, that they had told our friends mutually, but i got over it, or i thought i did? its stupid, but id come and heel like a dog if they asked, no matter how much i hated them, or felt like i did, at least? i don’t know— i don’t know if they know this, any of them, and i don’t know if they’d care, how they’d feel. probably weird, i’m weird, but i guess maybe there’d be more to it?

i wish it was obvious. kinda, sorta. i like my personhood, but i wouldn’t really mind those other traits being known, acknowledged. ah, i don’t know.

i guess they’re alright. just hurts to be away, but they all talk without me, about me. at least, when i do something. something. i’ve always hated the little cracks in our relationship, though the splinters were my fault and that giant chasm where it was might be, too.

i kinda miss it sometimes, too. i’ve always known i needed someone to keep me in check, what with nobody volunteering in life? eh, i don’t know. but. it was nice, in a way, even though it felt bad then.

maybe they were doing my a courtesy, keeping me around anyway. maybe that’s wrong, and maybe i should care about that more.

i fucked it up, i always do, and they didn’t sign up for me. i feel like shit, i think. there’s so much to apologize for, so much that i did wrong, i know that now, and yet i can’t talk to them. sigh.

they’ve developed past me. matured more. and i’m stuck here, the same forever. i wish i had realized it then, what i do now. maybe i hold them in too high of a regard. i don’t know. i kinda just want to apologize for everything ever, though, even though its so old at this point and they probably don’t remember.

:(

[sticksandtwine]

someone just let me kill myself already like holy shit???

[sticksandtwine]

everyone has suddenly decided to interact with me what the fuck did i do is it my time or something like what

[sticksandtwine]

on a scale of 1 to 10 im pretty confident that nothing can fix me

[sticksandtwine]

who fuckin cares

[sticksandtwine]

its not even like im vreaking down im just guilty and tired and awake at 2am for no fucking reason and its stupid. i shouldve been more

theyve always done this though i guess. i shouldnt. idk its fuckin crazy to go to someone elses space and then tweak out

except before. before it wadnt lmthis. before it was quiet admittances and images of a dual hurt.

its a stupid philosophy anyway. “you’re not worth getting better for” is not the dame as “you deserve better than me”, and anyone who thinks so is fucking stupid.

[sticksandtwine]

and its not like i never saw this. they were always the better option. i said that. ive said that. i cant. i

im going to kill myself or maybe just myself idk tadieohead core hahaha hahahahaha