stop trying to be clever

[stoptryingtobeclever]

[stoptryingtobeclever]

“mom, you’re over watering the plants again”

[stoptryingtobeclever]

conflicts

if it is causing distress, what is the distress factor?

what are you holding on to, what are they? 

find a solution. 

[stoptryingtobeclever]

begin again

so I have written a lot about confusion, emotional distraught perspectives of a chaotic understanding of anything. But the point has now become moot. 

I enjoy art, I find it therapeutic. I enjoy science and the make-up of anything weather its psychological or the physical remanence of a substance reacting, or even the combating forces to create a storm. I believe in good health. I believe education needs to be equal and then we would have more results and a better society from it as well and I believe in forgiveness. 

I believe that there is no such thing as something controversial if it is honest and if it’s hurtful there is a way to over come by learning. there is no such thing as too old, or too young. With so many language barriers and distractions it’s almost impossible to get anything done, but there is also no such thing as the right way. Just a way. and a way that is done.  

and I believe in writing this because as it may turn out to be a reminder for you, it is in fact a reminder for me, that my emotions are valid, that my opinion matters, and that there is always a way of improving and growing and learning that is equal to everyone. We just need to find a way through the smoke.   

[stoptryingtobeclever]

i have some ideas but i literally waste about half my time trying to wrap my head around my own fucking problems and its really fucking distracting 

[stoptryingtobeclever]

send me another fucking picture of a wolf mother fucker. 

[dailyinspirationquotes]

[stoptryingtobeclever]

Poor guy indeed

There’s an owl that lives outside my complex. Out of curiosity and concern I quickly turned to google to search: strange animal noises~; to; define: bird calls at night; related: new england   intext:nocturnal birds site:.edu 

After all these tricks and neich to google searching in an oddly entertaining way; I found The  Great Horned Owl. 

Native to Protegida La Montañona, Chalatenango, El Salvador conveniently also here in the New England area and all over north and south america and conveniently distracting me from my very awkward and soul crushing agony of the lack of my emotional intelligence.

People always say “But you’re so smart” I think they just pick up on my perception when I’m relaxed; Constructive, methodical. I wish I picked up on that own sound and centered appearance; but when It comes to emotion, I’m rather coarse. That analytical adaptation I adhere to is rather detached.

I get afraid. I get anxious. I freak the hell out. Out of defense, I lower myself and others I care about to these delusions of the ‘social panic’ about respect and self worth that I quickly turn to being Def(l)ective. Salty. Petty. Cruel, but mostly defensive.

I don’t want to define anyone but that is so damn hard to just not know about partnerships and as a woman and speaking on my own dignity; Even backing up and thinking about how I think that way; it shouldn’t bother me. As a human we are animals and being animals we get territorial and I hate any instinct of that and it bothers the hell out of me.

Like sex/ attraction/ aggression; these are all things we can all be intelligent about. And we constrict ourselves limiting our own intelligence letting our instincts get the best of us. Hormone versus factor.  

I guess what I’m poorly trying to explain in a way partly (which this bigger part is not something to be explained “partly” and I will try my best to continue further in this blog) is that education is not a pythagorean theorem stupid equation but rather educating ourselves in our own emotions and benefiting our gift of intelligence to best our previous plesant but troublesome attributes.

In a lot of ways, it’s growing. It mostly comes from experiencing and constructively taking apart situations as a person to grow but from facing my emotional discrepancy and conflict I find that both men and women and humankind alike can benefit fully from acknowledging their emotions as openly and as fluid as searching about some bird at night.

I messaged someone I cared about that I discovered the “dinosaur noises” referring to the owl beg calling from the back of the reservoir as such. 

Both in a cheeky hello as well as a soft subtle goodbye in one bitter sweet melted peanut butter chocolate hey knowing full heartedly that I can’t say another word for a long, long time.

but i acknowledge this which is new for me. 

[stoptryingtobeclever]

little insight from the friend in the mirror

Let it go. That’s my best advice. Don’t pick at it; don’t try to understand it and do not let you’re stupid insecurities tear at it because you know it will fall apart at your hand expecting it to. 

and I can’t convince you otherwise; I can’t convince anyone in the fact of free will and choice, opinion and oppression; I can only be what I am. Just to stay here and say do not let you damage you. 

[stoptryingtobeclever]

The best thing I’ve figured out is to just let things get really awful and wait for the joke. There’s always a joke lurking in the darkest shit.

Steve Almond

[stoptryingtobeclever]

[stoptryingtobeclever]

Current Events and Such and Such

You know currently a lot of headlines and articles are stating pestimistically how whoever politician and whatever organization or whatever is falling apart. most graduates at this time are daunting resuming their applications for grad school parents confused and distrought in their own time lines wondering how it got this way and just all this pesimism thinking this is the end Well FYI it’s not. if anything this is the beginning of a whole new kind of communication. an outreach where more and more people have the ability to either use media or their voices and actually have a common opinion that now we know what we don’t want and that’s a better direction than most and honestly how we all learn anyway.

[stoptryingtobeclever]

CONTEMPORARY

its kind of strange really having this uncertainty starting every day just staring off at the ceiling not sure if I should keep my thoughts to myself or actually get up and make a difference but I can’t help but ask myself but what point am I trying to get across. 

what do I have to add to the world and what do I have to gain. it’s very vacant and also the exact opposite of doing anything productive which leaves me even more uncertain and even more behind on what I actually want to accomplish. 

Well I want to write and express anyway I can. so here I am doing that exact thing going day by day and finding new ways to further prove how essential it is to express no matter what outlet it could be that day. I play music, not professionally no and I sure could practice a hell of alot more but I come up with songs from time to time to get me through sleepless nights or haphazard thoughts. I also write poems from time to time little synapses of dreams or other moments that I try to wrap my head around. I also shoot little music videos with the thirty second snap window I’m left with with some song that I felt fit the frame. these could be pointless but the point is never be afraid to express yourself, and just express yourself. so I went to an art gallery it was this contemporary art where the message was “don’t bother there are too many artists/writers/people” So what. here’s one more

[stoptryingtobeclever]

the bronx

I'm sorry but Connecticut has always been new York's shitty hat to me. I miss arthur avenue walking in the morning under the subway at the end of Broadway or Tremont where its shady and weird but somehow okay. it's like actually new york and not the abandoned offices in midtown. I want to go where there's strong coffee in Greek cups with busy noise and good bagels but the chaos was comforting and you don't feel so alone. Even if the noise was collective sound of metal clanking from shops opening their riot shield like gates, squeeling breaks, distant traffic, truck backfires and some distant yelling in Korean. it was weird but okay and really just unbelievably dirty. smog thick coal dust caked everything. mail boxes, subway pillars, scaffolding, gum covered sidewalks that are some type of wet beige color that would never dry. and everyone smoked for some reason. but the way the morning sun would reflect through the haze in an orange glow across the tiny lawns with tiny fences and 40s era Catholic birdbaths would bring anyone back. from #norwood  to #morrispark  someone take me to ihop

[stoptryingtobeclever]

hope is the thing with feathers that perches on the soul the tune without words and never stops at all - E. Dickinson . . I've been running every morning at 7 am to the spot I crashed my car and back picking up a single piece of fiberglass still stuck in that tree and I run right back to remind myself where I could've been left off much worse. These kind of moments, as much as you can try, you can't forget them. can't just think of some dumb idea or "epiphany" and escape them. you can only face circumstances not with disdain, hatred or fear but with something much stronger easily toned out by panic and chaos; a sense of never ending hope. this hope is not kind. its piercing, painfully slow and disorienting. it will break you and mold you. throw you in circles, have you sit alone at a laundromat or subway station with no sense of direction second guessing every decision you've made. it will tear out your heart and rip it into pieces make you run from it like nothing else and watch you make mistakes time and time again until you calm down, fine tune your instincts and hear it well. but it will be there and remind you that you as you are, are still here despite all odds. I know ill be here again and I'll crash and get hurt but I heard something I can't forget and honestly it's annoying

[stoptryingtobeclever]

🎶

the noise something makes when its tuned but not quite

just that slight out of place tinge unable to differentiate if a note is too flat or too sharp

that’s how I feel right now

[stoptryingtobeclever]

interesting

so here it is left to some text and you just automatically know who I am what is this