From my earliest memories my Mom was sick, mentally. She either was dysfunctionally in my life or she wasn’t in my life at all. I went through foster care, to being cared for my Grandma, to my angry single father. As far as I knew and understood it was my fault that my Mom was sick.
See, she was first hospitalized when I was born. From what I know she was first taken to the hospital when I was just a couple of weeks old. Story has it, my Dad packed my brother and me into his long haul semi-truck and drove us from Colorado to Minnesota, where my Grandma lived.
She had nothing for me so I was sleeping in a dresser drawer. My Grandma went to get me a crib and while she was carrying it she fell down the stairs and broke her hip, which is why I ended up in foster care.
Her hip always caused her pain and she would say to me, “if I hadn’t had to get you a crib...”
Basically, my 3 year old self thought that I broke people or made them sick. The worst thing is that I believed I did that to the women I needed most- my Mother and Grandmother.
Thinking back to the earliest memory in which I failed:
I was 3 years old and I asked my Grandma if I could take my friends for a walk downtown. My Grandma was on the phone and I thought she told me I could go. Next thing I knew (after we had wandered a couple of miles away) I was getting spanked by the whole village- first, my Uncle, then my Grandma and finally my Dad. I was in trouble for putting my friends in danger.(even at 3 I was the oldest). All I could think to say is, “I will keep them safe”!
When I was 4 years old I took all of my saved money to the babysitter. I gave it to a friend who had told me his family needed money. My Dad spanked me and sent me to my room without supper. All I could say was, “he needed me to help him”.
When I was 8 years old I became friends with Andy. Andy was a boy who had no friends. He has bad body oder and he was very unkempt. I reached out to him and we became friends. Kids would tease me for playing with him and I would proudly defend him, stating “he needs me; he is MY friend”.
During that time in my life I also became friends with Missy. I was automatically drawn to her because she was in a wheelchair, disabled by brittle bones disease. She had to endure several surgeries which meant me hanging out in hospitals and helping her with her physical therapy. I was there with her because I believed she needed me to be. After all, I was beginning to discover how much I could endure- ultimately perfecting my strong suit.
I knew by age 15 that I wanted to be a teacher and that I had a real interest in special needs or children who required behavioral support. Even early on in my teaching career I gravitated toward the children who the other teachers had written off or could not handle.
At age 18 I married a man who had a 2 year old daughter, who’s mother had abandoned her. He had full custody but didn’t know how to raise her because he was working full time and going to school. So, of course, I said I would take care of her. I even stayed with him for 14 years of hell, full of cheating and lies just so I could continue saving her. She had her own issues with her mother, resulting in a vicious cycle of her having problems and me fixing them- all the way to her having a teenage pregnancy and me taking care of the child... just another child who needs me, right?
Fast forward to 4 children later when I first fell in love...
“Here She Comes to Save the Day!”
I met her at a fundraising run for cancer treatment and she stuck right out to me because of her battle with Leukemia. As I got to know her she also told me about how she’d been raped and contracted HIV from it. Later she told me she’d been molested by her Father and the only way for her to survive it was with my protection. She had crazy episodes and ended up in the hospital. Eventually, I could not take it all.
Even after we split up I found a way to save the day after she told me she was pregnant with her father’s child. I tried to help her through it.
Others told me I was gullible, that I’d been duped.
Turns out they were right. She ended up telling me later that (much of it) was actually lies.
Realizing that my ACT wants me to fail is very evident in this story. I’ve gotten myself so sucked into someone who needs me that I neglect my family and my own needs for someone who will manipulate me for their own entertainment!
I’ve been drowning, over the past 7 years, in my work for mental health based ABA company designed to assist children diagnosed with autism with behavior supports. I’ve been DROWNING myself in the work, growing the organization from 0 to 225 employees, opening 7 separate clinics across 3 different states.
It grew and developed so quickly that I had to acquire equity partners which resulted in my fully liquidating my assets and selling my share of ownership. This put me into a tailspin of emotions because I believed that the company, the employees and the the partners depended on me.
Actually, it was when I realized that they didn’t need me that I really broke down. The pain of failing at fixing someone or keeping them safe is UNBEARABLE!
The impact this has had on my life is immense. It’s in everything. It’s in my success and it’s in my failures.
I always thought that my Mom had nothing to do with my life. I thought I was strong and independent and that I was living and creating my life’s mission by serving those who needed me, even if it hurt me. What I didn’t understand until doing the Advance Course is that my ACT was formed when I was just a little girl and the only thing I could do to “fix my sick mother” was to fix everyone and anyone who looked like they needed me. The sickest part is - the more difficult and destructive to me, the more fulfilled I felt.
Thinking of the game of chess (of life) that we play- considering that my ACT is a pawn that is planning 3 moves ahead- I am realizing how powerful my orchestrated moves have been and the immense impact on others. Ultimately, I created a situation where my Granddaughter, who I “saved” through an open adoption placed and her in the care of my ex-wife (who I also felt the need to save) could have devastating outcomes due to my actions. The realization of what I have created, for the purpose of serving me, is my worst nightmare.
The area where I have a loss of self-expression is in my relationships. I’ve been pretending that I am the missing piece to what makes life work for someone else when, in fact, I’m not. The impact of that inauthentic way of being and acting has continuously put me in the state of “overwhelm” feeling a sense of having to fix everything and everyone. What’s been missing is care of self or connection to those who are self sufficient in life.
Standing THERE... the possibility I am inventing for myself and my life is the ability to create my future based on my reality rather from my ACT.
