Strange Musings

A strange place full of thoughts and wonderings...

[just-shower-thoughts]

A one night stand could be a 6 month relationship if you’re above the arctic circle.

[poems-and-word]

Poems & Words

[strangehealings]

Just had a panic attack trying to delete Facebook dating because I wasn't over someone and the amount of people trying to talk to me became overwhelming and not at all a fucking glow up I felt like I was being watched on top of remembering all the past bad relationships I've had and not wanting to go through that again because being vulnerable with people was already FUCKING DIFFICULT i now have to do that AGAIN with someone I don't ACTUALLY WANT TO KNOW OR FUCKING TALK TO

[strangehealings]

Try to tame me like a mare and not a woman. Your equal, your other.

Try to tame me in this way and you can rest assured you will be bitten where it counts.

[strangehealings]

I remove.

No not quite.

I slick and dissect the sections that made me fall for you

Remove them from my eyes

So I don't see it anymore

Remove it from my lips

So that I don't grin at it

Remove it from your skull

So you don't think about it

Lick the blade

Parade of black

At your birthday

Use words to kindly remind you the damage I can remove from right inside you using cleverly crafted phrases watching the brains as they splatter in your skull I am skilled in my craft and I beg your pardon but what was it you wanted because you are trifling with Amazons and Half Gods unless you miscalculated.

I am justice.

I am truth.

I am sanctuary.

I fight with tooth.

With humility.

[strangehealings]

The more I tell my story, the longer it becomes. Going over a tapestry painfully, pixelation of a memory created by drops of color juxtaposed. Over posed. Older prose. Quick like lightning little lovers like to lay before the day fire rises. Piece together disguises with phantom phlanges, fingers racing to unbutton before the reality meets the heart.

You are broken apart. You are nothing. You are useless. You are scum. You are bullshit. You have become nothing. You are numb. You are forgetting, memory bloodletting identity confirming entities yes daddy please I will never let you touch me again.

[strangehealings]

Sometimes I think I'm jumping the gun. Then retrospectively looking back, as if I were trying to make sense of it. Putting the string of beads back together in the order they should be. It's always been shuffled like a deck of new card. The more I push it away the more the cards are shuffled. The more it doesn't make sense anymore.

When I do start putting things together, I feel the emotion click. Like a ghost that appears for a moment. A flash of light as it seals together. I am able to age appropriately re-evaluate past trauma. Its been mostly shuffling around in the dark, bumping into shadows and chasing cracks of light in the walls.

Find people who can help you install windows into those walls instead of smashing them.

Those people are the ones to keep.

Find people that know you carry lightning and darkness inside you.

Find people who know because they have it too.

[strangehealings]

To have someone look at me with kind eyes and tell me "I understand. What do you need from me right now?"

Instead of with frustration and anger, telling me "What is wrong with you? Get over it!"

Is something I wanted but never thought I would find. ❤

[strangehealings]

What do you do, when you exhibit major trauma symptoms, but can't remember why you would feel that strongly.

What do you do... when your peers are doing swim team, horseback riding, cheerleading, going out with friends. And you are barely able to make it through most of the day wothout needing sleep. You are wheelchair ridden. At 10, you were excited for middle school because you could join track and swim team, and now you can't even get dressed without help. You went from a 100mph kid, no stop can't stop to a 5mph kid in a matter of months.

How do you deal with that when you are watching your family disintegrate and disappear in front of you. Your parents are basically banned from seeing you passive aggressively. It's no longer a safe feeling for her to tell me I look like my mother. She puts a piece of tape in the middle of my forehead so I stop knitting together my eyebrows like my mother.

I talk like my mother

You walk like your mother

Looking and being anything of my mother made me want to vomit and I still loved her.

I look like my father.

You better not turn out like your father.

Irredeemable qualities of my parents were thrown at me like I was supposed to make a checklist of eradication or I was ruined.

You are 13. You have no normal. Normal is gone. You grieve the loss of the living and a life you wanted and never had while mentally fighting against someone in a rage at the damage my parents and theirs have caused.

[just-shower-thoughts]

4th dimensional creatures can look at our buildings like blueprints, while 2nd dimensional ones can use our blueprints as buildings.

[love-diaries]

“Sometimes human beings have to just sit in one place and hurt.” - David Foster Wallace

[strangehealings]

I am in love with the idea of love of tangling up in you [ metoo ] i just want all of my life to be spent beside you and being your queen, a comrade, a lover, a mother.

.

.

I never

We never

I know you would never

But I cried.

I was so tired I cried.

You said you didn't remember.

I was weak and not caring and about to sleep at any moment and you were fucking me drunk so hard I bled and cried in the bathroom after you had fallen asleep.

And I was so tired I just cried until I fell asleep.

And I kept trying to love you after that.

I kept trying to make it work after I felt like I was just a roommate. I kept being patient with my car until I broke up with you. I never saw any emotions from you until I tried to leave. Any serious conversation I tried to have with you turned into you non stop joking. I find out I'm not doing enough dishes in a joke in front of other people. I did the dishes for 2 weeks straight and you didn't even notice.

I kept trying to tell you things in every which way possible and you just didn't get it.

You started reading comics because of me, reading more because of me, moved to Bangor because of me, got a new and better job because of me, started cooking things other than frozen dinners because of me, kept talking to family and calling on holidays because of me...

I will never drink again.

I will never drink with you.

I will never move in with you.

I will never raise children with you.

I will never sail around the world with you.

I will never let it happen again.

[strangehealings]

How much do you want to see. How much are you willing to accept was your doing without letting it damn you to an asylum in your own skull. That is the truth you must bare within yourself.

[strangehealings]

[strangehealings]

Where does my pining

sound like it trying

to send meaning

across a world teaming

In anonymity.

I wreak of men

That will never

touch me again

So all I want now

Is to believe I

Have something.

Tell me again

How a life alone

Is better in the bones.

To sit beside oneself

Indefinitely.

To hold space for someone

who may never come.

Maybe I am

To feel

Like I am trying

To steal

Away happiness

It's not real.

[strangehealings]

TW mental health; childhood illness; cancer scare; near death; edge of sanity; struck a nerve I didn't know I had

I was told to love the divine feminine inside. And so I did. I became transfixed to healing this creature of trauma inside me without regard to how much pain I had allowed to fester and rot on the inside without giving it recognition.

Porcelain faces with

Painted social graces

I don't know if I can take this

I am a child of disgraces

I want to know where my place is

Love yourself to greatness

My reason to live called me sis

I am caving to river styx

My mind hooked on the song of the abyss

I will never forget the tenderness

The world showed me in crisis

I am twenty six

My brain snaps like sticks

Under pressure like a bitch

I'm a witch

Let me lick

The sweetness from my sugar rimmed

Glass and I will bend over laughing

While my boundaries are thrashing

I'm a witch.

Stand tall and love small

Become the goddess you were made of

Star dust and cannabis

You are killing this

Soul on fire

Burn the liar

Inside insisting you buy everything

You are on life, a mat of foam

Letting your thoughts roam.

You venture and seduce yourself

Loving and learning to love every fold

You are vibrating gold

....

Hold on.

Things exist where there should be none.

I go to my woman

Valkyrie of ages

I treat her like a sage is

Supposed to be treated.

She insists I seek help.

To act now is to catch it.

I am not ready for it.

I am not ready for it.

To be on the edge of death again.

To feel my soul rip away from me in protest

To stare unfeeling at moonset

To be unable to be a womb

A mother. A child of mine to bare.

To be unrecognizable....again...

To lose my hair...

Again.

Again.

I can't do this again.

I can't stare into the deadlights

Of a monster called life and still come out the same.

I have clawed my way back to sane.

I cannot go back again.

[strangehealings]

Today I admitted my current position in my mental health.

I am taking inventory of my current status:

emotionally immature

easily manipulated

untrusting

paranoid

too nice unable to process quickly

negligent of basic hygiene

devoid of a basic routine

Addicted to social media as a social replacement

Doesn't understand workplace boundaries