Smol N Chonky @strawbeyypeaches - Tumblr Blog

Whenever my dad talks to me I either want to kill myself or starve myself

See me personally I gotta get home n think abt killing myself because my life lacks direction or meaning. All I do is work and it’s never enough. I have no goals. I live for short term, bc that’s all I can afford. I’ve worked 8 days straight. And even though I’m supposed to be part time, most of those days are 6-8 hours. And my cheque is still barely enough to pay my bills. Adding groceries to that is too much. So I kinda just come home after work, stare at the fridge, go to sleep, and go back to work. That food isn’t for me. Why waste something I want to eat today when I could just save it for tomorrow, so I’ll still have something to eat

. I don’t feel much at this point. Just stressed bc I work the most in my household, but still not enough for 5 people and four animals. In a freaking two story w/ a mf pool in cali. I want to leave but I can’t screw over my dad and my baby sisters. This wasn’t a choice. It was something we were thrown into, and now I have to pay in every way I can think of. My mom up and left for a lady who very clearly did not feel the same. Even after regaining some stability outside of our family home, she’ll still drop me for her at a moments notice.

I’m 20. I have no goals. No life. No future. Very little to live for, outside of not wanting to burden my family more than I am. I want to kill myself, but that’s not an option. I wish I could do better, but my dumb monkey brain can’t figure out how.

I’m trying to be great full for the simple things, but Ik that even those things wont last long. I can barely keep up w things as they are. I’m burning the candle at both ends and I can’t stop. I’d simply like to die w/o burdening my family. I don’t want to leave them having to worry abt the bills I pay, and the food I buy. On top of that the funeral expenses. But I’m so lost and tired.

My manger tried to give me four days off next week. But that stressed me out more than working the week through. Like whenever I’m home, I stress clean the whole house top to bottom because I want my family to come home w/o stressing. But I also do it bc I feel guilty cus Ik I could’ve spent that time making money. But then the house gets dirty. Or an appliance breaks and it’s my job to fix things. And why can’t I just FCKING fix things enough? Why am I not good enough? Why can’t I just do fucking better w/o feeling like shit, or stressed out, or guilty.

Ik what happiness feels like and I wish I could feel that again.

I just need him to embrace me one more time as he watch the life drain from my eyes.

disturbedlolita

I can’t wait to eat shit and die

Heneverlovedmeheneverlovedmeheneverlovedmeheneverlovedmeheneverlovedmeheneverlovedmeheneverlovedmeheneverlovedmeheneverlovedmeheneverlovedmeheneverlovedme

I think my parents are separating. Which is 🤷🏼‍♀️, yk. But I was talking to my sister abt it n it’s a matter of picking ur poison. Someone who can’t pay their mortgage, or someone who’s rather spend time in Cabo than w their kids. Either way I’m probably having Cheetos for breakfast.

I’m back :D

Not for my eating disorder, mostly for other mentally ill shit tho :)

I really am doing great atm, and my friend responded with ‘cool beans’ •_•.

I had good news to share abt my job. I wasn’t looking for much of anything. Just to share good news. She could’ve done anything else. I.E. like my text message like erbody else in the group chat. But for some reason, ‘cool beans’ seems so passive aggressive. Like the text message equivalent of ,’cool, nobody asked’.

Just because ur unhappy doesn’t mean I have to be unhappy too.

As far removed as I’d like to be from the person I once was. Nothing is euphoric as ill fitting clothes as I wade through them. Doing chores in the hot California sun on an empty sun only to collapse in the hot shower I’d take after. Because that brief moment of flying is worth it. Because my disgusting mind has absolutely shot through the toilet from one too many laxatives, and I’ve succumb to wanting to feel good.

Bro … why does the air smell like I’m boutta relapse