She told me about laughing with her therapist bc she analyses everyone (as a survival strategy? Habit?) And talking about that with her therapist and i came up bc im apparently the only person with whom it just. Doesnt work. And that was hilarious to both of them. I dont even know what to think. Impenetrable mind. Weird as fuck behaviour.
Therapy truly brings out the worst version of you. Explain to me why i went on a spiral that ended with i dislike and distrust women. Anxiety is so stupid also
Im gonna cry bc im so overwhelmed i have people bullying their way into my calendar and i cant have 2 to 3 things every day im so tired and i have so much work to do and im just gonna crumble and cry. How am i still so tured i want to cry after 8hrs of sleep
“Thorough washing is definitely the key," Hettiarachchi said. "Soap isn't even really necessary if you wash all of the visible soil off with water in your kitchen. The main point is to make sure you're not intentionally eating soil.”
The researchers didn't find a specific compost type reduced the contamination best. Instead, the data showed adding any compost can dilute the soil's concentration of contaminants.
A last suggestion from Hettiarachchi is to be sure the nutrient levels in the soil are appropriate. Research shows plants are less likely to take up contaminants when they have ideal nutrients.
The article is fascinating, and absolutely worth the read!!
okay getthis out of your fucking system and then go back to work
but fuck all those fucking pinterest pictures and then teh fucking dom pov and the other fucking dom shit i'm going to go seriously bonkers what the fuck. i knooow i cant for real i know i know i know but holy shiiit. i cannot put this on my friend on the first day we're back to talking after a breakdown. look at me. we're not doing that.
fuck getting my brain to work feels like trying to slow down a fucking horse i lied my ASS off this morning i *does* occupy some fucking part of my brain. Why do i keep having this kind of experience, because it's not even discovery! i knew that shit! cmon get your head screwed on right stop thinking about that. fuck yeah okay. calm and collected. why dies even saying that fcks me back up what the shit
-"Im just sad bc i never latch onto characters who can feasibly be ace and so they can never like me and thats a silly thought but it feels like everyone else can have their fun but for me to have my fun id have to completely butcher their character and its silly but it makes me sad"
-"No not silly, theres little to no ace rep and to not get to have the same experience with chararcters bc of that is very valid. You csn hc them as ace but it doesnt reslly hit the same. Im sorry it does really suck"
I was disappointed by the answer bc even tho it has some level of truth thats not what i was really asking. Getting an answer on external factors is unsatisfying when i was asking about internal factors. Because the underpinning of the question is that i cannot be loved even by fictional characters. Because everyone else can go and imagine being adored by their favourite fictional person and the best i can get is sorta-friends without completely warping them and im once again standing alone screaming 'unloved, unloved,unloved-' and im so tired
man having most of your friends be some flavour of anxiety/depression with the added problem of being isolated (believed or real) when they can't cope with isolation fucking sucks. Like fun for you you imprinted on me because i was a 'responsible fun adult' but now im not allowed to want to stop talking without prompting a breakdown or an all out war. Like man calm the fuck down this shouldnt be my problem i'm not your all in one answer either learn to make friends (i'll even give you tips!) or learn to be okay by yourself. fucking ducklings i don't need that in my life. i know the fucking saviour/protector complex will act up again but i fucking wish i could only have self supporting friends from now on because being the safety floater fucking sucks.
and like it's not even that i *want* to be on bad terms, but one of them has a fucking trigger temper with the reality distorsion goggles to match and has to stay my fucking colleague so even if i wanted to (and god do i want to) cutting ties with them would just be shooting myself in the foot for the foreseeable future, and the other has generalised anxiety and attachment issues so fucking bad the mere thought that i may not want to talk as much has them crying and spiralling. Like god you literally have a friend group where you call every sunday, you're a massive extrovert and make friends by the dozen why am *i* the one to hold you up???
im just so fucking tired and also fed up with being the bigger person why am i the one to direct talks and apologise even when we're both in the wrong but i have to use all the soothing and conflict resolution i know while in the middle of a fucking trigger reaction. genuinely fed up with older sibling syndrome
The autumn growing season in the greenhouse is coming to an end, so here are my plant reviews!
1. Basil: 11/10
I’ve never had so much basil before! I planted it when it was a baby and it grew to the size of a baobab. I’ve made SO many jars of pesto, I can make pasta all winter. The basil plant started suffering from the cold around mid-November and I harvested the last leaves, but it grew amazingly as long as indoor temperatures remained above 10°C at night.
2. Bell pepper: 10.5/10
The only reason I’m ranking it lower is because I like basil better, but I’ve had a constant supply of beautiful green peppers all throughout the autumn! The plant is very low-maintenance and bravely produced peppers in 35° greenhouse temperatures in early September and 10° temperatures in November without a complaint.
3. Green beans: 10/10
I love fresh green beans. I planted different kinds, purple ones and green ones, and discovered with a bit of surprise that the former grow a deep purple colour and then become green when you cook them. It’s a fun plant. And they grow very well in vertical growing towers!
4. White onions: 9/10
They didn’t thrive in my planters for some reason (they seemed to get smothered by the other plants around them) but they were very happy by themselves in the vertical tower. Will keep that in mind for next year.
5. Kohlrabi: 8/10
Kohlrabi shouldn’t be so high in the list because I don’t like eating it all that much, but it grows so enthusiastically and then it looks like little green aliens going \o/ in their towers, it’s just a very endearing plant.
6. Lettuce: 7/10
The lettuces (I’m making this word countable) in the towers grew amazingly in September thanks to having their feet constantly soaking in water, while their sisters in the planters were suffering from the heat. But as soon as the weather grew colder and more humid all the tower lettuces became covered with mildew :( Meanwhile the planter lettuces were having their 15 minutes of fame (see second picture)—until the weather got even wetter in November and they finally succumbed to mildew as well. So I’ll note that tower lettuce is good for summer and planter lettuce for early autumn, and then the greenhouse gets too humid for healthy lettuce.
6. Parsley: 5/10
Parsley is in the shame corner. It grew very very well in its tower—so well that its roots started colonising the little pipe that brings water, so the pipe became clogged and water stopped circulating in the tower and the parsley died. That is the definition of shooting yourself in the foot, parsley, you short-sighted plant. You wanted instant water gratification and ended up with nothing. There’s a lesson to be learnt here. (The lesson is to put parsley at the bottom of the tower rather than at the top where the pipe is.)
7. Miscellanies: my aubergine plant produced stakhanovically in September and then shrivelled up and died as soon as October (and cold nights) started. Definitely a summer-only plant (at least in a non-heated greenhouse). Fennel grew incredibly well, both in the planters and in the towers, but I discovered (I’d never tried it before) that it tastes exactly like anise and I hate anise. I tried cooking it in a gratin as I figured cheese makes everything okay, but not even cheese could make fennel tolerable to me. No more fennel. Arugula (<- the superior word. Boycott rocket) grew well but had trouble asserting itself next to my giant basil plant. I’ll try to give it more space to grow next time, poor arugula got so squished.
And finally:
8. Fish (not rated for reasons explained below, but it’s hard to imagine what a fish could do wrong)
The point of the vertical growing towers is to try aquaponic gardening—they are connected via pipes and a pump to a water tank in which I would like to raise fish. The idea of aquaponics is that the fish and the plants have a symbiotic relationship, with the fish’s waste fertilising the water for the plants, and the plants’ roots cleaning the water for the fish as they absorb these nutrients. It’s recommended to start with goldfish for the first year as they are quite sturdy, then once you know how your greenhouse behaves in every season, the water temperature changes etc, you can try other kinds (including edible fish).
^ So I had four little pioneers in an aquarium in my kitchen waiting to move to the greenhouse—but I needed to stabilise the pH of the water (among other things) before bringing in the fish, and that proved very difficult! My pH had daily fluctuations that I tried to tame by adding potassium bicarbonate or varying the % of rainwater vs. spring water in the tank, and nothing worked. I thought it was because I had put so many plants in the towers, but as I started removing the summer plants and the pH didn’t improve, I finally tried putting my pH sensor in a bucket of distilled water to see if it worked… and it turned out that the sensor was malfunctioning. I bought a new sensor, who immediately told me that my pH was perfectly adequate. I felt daft.
Anyway, my brave pioneer fish were moved to the greenhouse last week and they seem to be enjoying their new tank (they’ve got lots of plant roots dipping in the water to nibble on or hide behind), so I’ve ordered the rest of the goldfish gang! My greenhouse will become a lot more populated tomorrow, stay tuned :)
(God I am such in a shit mood. So here I wrote this.)
It's 1986. Steve falls in love with Eddie first. It's crazy. It's so crazy. He falls in love between the world ending for the fourth time and saving it for real this time. He falls in love between rushing into a hospital Eddie's bleeding body and staying by his bedside.
In the aftermath, they become friends. Real actual friends with a little more trauma than normal friendships but they support each other, help each other grow. They smoke weed, go to the quarry, go bowling. They have hundreds of D&D nights. They co-parents the kids and they drag Eddie to his graduation. They throw parties and pool parties. Go to Indiana to go barhopping and record thrifting. In-between all these moments Steve falls in love. He can't pin point when exactly, but maybe he's been in love with Eddie Munson all along.
Steve keeps it in, because their friendship was so much more important. He's the closest thing Steve will have as a bestfriend (Robin's not counted, because Robin's not just his bestfriend). The pining, the yearning, the longing, it's okay. It's okay as long as he has Eddie beside him and it's so much better than not having him.
It's 1991. It's 1991 when Steve finally cannot take it. He wants so much more with Eddie. By now, they've moved to Chicago, they're both struggling adults but at least they're together and what he feels for Eddie is killing him inside. He knows Eddie doesn't feel the same. He knows. But Steve still wants to tell him so he can hear it from Eddie's lips, that he doesn't feel the same, so Steve can just fucking move on.
Steve tells him. Steve tells him on a rainy evening. Eddie looks shocked, like he's never even thought about it and it truly hurts more than anything. Steve would rather get eaten by demobats again than this. Steve tells him that it's okay if he doesn't feel the same way. He just wants Eddie to reject him so he can finally, finally move on. Eddie looks at him, and tells him, "I will always love you, Stevie. But I don't think I've ever loved you in that way." They move out of their shared apartment, a mutual decision on both their sides.
They both stay in Chicago. They stay best friends who meets up every Friday night for a drink. They have lunches together. They talk about the kids and share tidbits of secrets that was supposed to be secrets. They're best friends and it's everything Steve Harrington has wanted as he tries to finally move on.
It's 1996. The whole Party is in town for whatever reason. They don't really need a reason to see each other. They're in Robin and Nancy's shared home. Eddie's DM-ing just like the old times.
Eddie's working at a small music studio as a Producer. It's nothing big yet, but he's finally in that stage in his life that he's happy and he's done something real in his life. Steve's getting his Phd in Child Psychology and it takes everything in Eddie to not tease and call him Doctor every fucking waking minute.
They're having a snack break in between the campaign. Eddie's sitting and eating on the couch when Robin plops down beside him, throwing her legs on his lap. They're still close, they see each other almost every other week. They laugh as they watch Steve and Dustin wrangle each other for a drink or a snack, no ones really sure.
"Hey, Eds?" Eddie hums, looking over at Robin.
"I am glad you and Steve stayed friends." The confession surprises him. They never talked about it after that night, some part of Eddie knows that Robin knows but they've never talked about it too.
"Of course, we stayed friends. Why wouldn't we?" Eddie answers, his voice unsure of why Robin is even bringing this up right now. It's been 5 years since that rainy night.
"I don't know. You know that love where you feel like you'll explode if you don't tell them? Like the one that makes you feel like your a ticking time bomb?" Eddie shakes his head as Robin continues, "That's what Steve had for you. I guess that love was also enough to just love you as a friend. I am glad you're both happy." Robin kisses his cheek before leaving.
Eddie stares at Steve, really looks at him, as he laughs and smiles with the kids as they catch up with their lives and Eddie watches as if in command, Steve turning to him like a boat finding his lighthouse. Steve smiles at him and it's a different one, his eyes crinkle into crescent moons and Eddie swears his eyes shine in the dark room and a bomb explodes in his heart.
Eddie tries to remember every time he felt this way around Steve. The day he wakes up from the hospital, the day he graduates high school, the day they drop of Dustin to college, the day they move in to their apartment, the day Steve told him that he loved him, every goddamn day in between.
And god, Eddie's the biggest fucking idiot. Eddie's been a ticking time bomb in the last ten years and he always thought it was just nothing. It was normal to love someone this much because, you know, he saved his life and Steve's his bestfriend. He didn't even realize he loves Steve, but that means nothing now, he's already five years too late. He's seen Steve going on dates, trying to move on from him and he even supported him.
It's 2000. Britney Spears is everywhere and Eddie Munson is still in love with Steve Harrington. He stops dating, gives up on it all together. He's the one pining, yearning and longing now and he hates it only because this is what Steve felt for so long and Eddie can't believe he even didn't notice.
Eddie's content in it. He missed his chance, he missed it by five years when Steve held out his heart to him in his palm. Eddie's happy in every aspect in his life. Eddie is working as a Producer in a big company now, if you see the latest big hit you can usually see his name in the writers and producers. He just bought Wayne his first apartment, he has a cat named Sabbath. Max and Lucas just got married. Robin and Nancy are adopting kids. Dustin is ring shopping. Will and Mike finally got their shit together. Steve is in the peak of his career, he's writing a book about child abandonment issues and teaching classes and giving seminars in his free time while dating the most gorgeous girl Eddie's ever seen. Eddie swears that if he isn't gay, she would be his type, not only that but she's actually kind and good to Steve. She works as a social worker and is an actual angel on earth and no matter what Eddie does, he doesn't have it in him to hate her. They're all sure they're headed to marriage. The kids all love her, and has Robin's stamp of approval. He is happy. Everyone is happy.
There's a big gaping hole in his heart that only Steve Harrington can fill and he doesn't know what to do when he stays up at night, in a big cold bed, alone, filled with regrets or when they're at parties and Steve's laughing with her and Eddie thinks that could've been him.
But it's okay, Eddie will swallow his feelings because the love of his life is happy. It's okay as long as he has Steve beside him because being his bestfriend, even if that means he'll have to stand behind him at his future wedding, is better than not having Steve in his life.
( i will write a part two when i am in a better mood. for now suffer with me. )
(here's the part two bcs im no longer in a shit mood)
It's 2002 and with that comes Steve and his girlfriend breaking up. Everyone's surprised (not Robin, but she won't say why) because they were perfect for each other. Steve doesn't even shed one tear, just tells them that the breakup was mutual and that they were both happy with the decision.
Eddie should really shoot his shot, but around this time his first album just came out. The company director of the company he works for signed him for a one time album (for now). He knows he's older now but the company director didn't really care because Eddie's always had the talent for it. He knows the pop girlies are on the rise but the metal scene was pretty hot too. He calls the old Corroded Coffin members to finally make their dreams come true. Gareth, Jeff and Paul comes to LA and they work on the album. It's easy work because Eddie has books and books of songs written (all about pining over Steve Harrington).
Gareth takes one look at the lead single the company director choose and looks up at him, "You still haven't boned Steve fucking Harrington?" Eddie sputters an embarrassed response and he asks how they even knew.
"Oh come on! He always went at The Hideout when we played, and you guys pined over each other like crazy! You looked at him like he created the fucking universe." Jeff laughs, looking over the song.
"Really???" Paul reads the lyrics and tries to sing it, "You're an angel on earth, and I am the devil on earth. I regret missing the train to heaven."
The album comes out in three months. It's a fast production, and it's doesn't exactly become a hit but it's enough to put them on the map. It becomes a hit on the metal scene and plays on the radio, Eddie's a well known producer at the time and people looked forward to his first album. They do press for the next two weeks and they go home for rest (with more plans for the future) because yeah, Eddie goes home to a cold, lonely apartment but the others have kids and wives and families.
Eddie doesn't exactly call Steve, not when he just came out with a literal song that screams "I am so in love with you and I am sorry I missed my chance." The last time they talked was when Steve broke up with his girlfriend and Eddie comforted him but Steve told him he was fine and that "it wasn't meant to be" whatever that meant.
Robin picks up Eddie on the airport with a huge sign that says, "ATLEAST YOU DIDNT MISS YOUR FLIGHT" They laugh about it for a solid minute before Robin hugs him and pulling away with a smirk, "Do I get royalties for giving you the album name?" Eddie rolls his eyes and hands her a signed CD of "The Ticking Bomb - Corroded Coffin"
Robin laughs as they finally make their way out of the airport, "You finally gonna talk to Steve about that train you missed?" Eddie shakes his head, "He just broke up with his girlfriend! And also, just because he did, doesn't mean I have a chance! I missed my chance!"
Robin just laughs in disbelief and mutters a silent, "These idiots."
It takes a week before Eddie finally sees Steve. It's not with the lack of trying, he's tried looking for Steve everywhere but it seems like the other man has been avoiding him like the plague.
Eddie finally sees Steve when he comes barging on his apartment on a rainy evening. He's wearing his sweater vest and glasses, looking and giving the professor vibes that could have Eddie on his knees. He's also drenched from the rain.
"Why? How? Come in! You're going to get sick!" Eddie pulls him in, and he tries to help Steve out of the wet clothes as he hands him a towel but Steve just sighs frustrated, pushing a Corroded Coffin album at Eddie's chest.
"Are you okay? What's this for?" Eddie asks, holding the somewhat wet and broken CD case.
"Are you okay he asks?!" Steve repeats, pulling at his hair.
"What's the problem, Steve?" Eddie's honestly not sure what's happening and he's getting worried.
"What's the problem?" Steve repeats, eyes widening, "I'll tell you the problem Eddie Munson! In 1991! I told you that I loved you and you said you didn't feel the same way about me! I moved on! I tried to move on! And then ten years later you come out with a song saying that you regret missing the fucking train? You come out with an album filled with 13 songs that just screams pining, yearning and longing? For me?! You know I bought this album the first day it came out and you know what my ex told me? You know what, my perfect, wonderful ex told me?" Eddie shakes his head.
"She tells me "This is about you, Steve." She doesn't even say anything else! She just kisses my cheeks and packs her bags and tells me to be happy! Because everyone knows! Everyone in this goddamn green earth knows that I am still fucking in love with you! That no matter how hard I try I will always belong with you! I am not a missed train! I've been waiting for you on that platform since 1986, Eddie!"
Eddie kisses him. Eddie kisses him and a timer sets off on his chest, like it's finally free, like it's finally home. There's still so much to talk about, so much to fix, so much time to catch up on. But for now everything's right in the world and he has Steve Harrington in his arms.
It's 2004. Eddie Munson-Harrington sits on a train to New Zealand, his husband, Steve Harrington-Munson, sleeping lightly on his shoulder, as they travel to their honeymoon.
can't relate to mainstream queer songs, softness and first loves, acceptance, give me the angry ones, give me my people with teeth and knives, and innapropriateness screamed over music, give me fight and outrage. can't relate to mlm or nblm, ill fitting labels, people yearning after their partners, longing after a boyfriend, there is nothing soft about my interest, kindness isnt love, testing everyone with annoyance, see if they can handle the barbs. softness in your body, in your face, in your hands, cannot stop thinking about honey sweet soap and a flat that isnt jerusalem. I want to bring about your ruin, willingly given.
do i look queer enough. can you see me. can you read me. i forget i don't look like me. i forget still think of the old me. i cant stand people looking hopeful as i grow out my hair. do i want to perform again, will people keep ignoring me. do they even know the codes, the signs i cover myself with. why can so few people read them. i want to shout it out. write it wide on my back. don't even know what i'll write. just screaming, teeth and blood and colour and "you'll never know what i am". 'what' feels appropriate. barely ever been a who. other people make you human.
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