m.

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:(

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My group chat from my school keeps trying to hang out, but there are honestly a little too many people in the friend group, and I don’t want to be around too many people at a time (because of Corona). They have also said some questionable things in the group chat that I’m not a fan of. I’ve slowly distanced myself from them just because I don’t care to be around that kind of person. I have other friends, and because I’m in college it should be easy to make some new ones. The only unfortunate thing is that I got sucked into being in a course with some of them, so I can’t completely avoid them, and I don’t want to be mean, but I kind of don’t want to be close friends anymore. I’ve felt pushed out on several occasions, but now that I have had all this time to reflect...I’ve decided that it is probably a no from me. From the lack of “wanting others to succeed” to the incredibly dry humor, I think I’ve seen more than enough. I don’t know if I’m making a mistake, but I really don’t think I am. It’s not that I don’t want to be friends with them, but I don’t want to hang out anymore. Something about the last conversation we had triggered my fight or flight response and I have felt kind of weird ever since. Not that I even care, but I feel like they have another group chat without me, which is honestly whatever. Am I being irrational? I just feel like everytime I’ve been in a friend group like that, I feel like an outsider...I don’t know

Edit/Update: they still behave like this...I haven’t talked to them in two weeks I think and I’m chillin :):

I need new friends lol

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:-7

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I think I’m going to quit social media for a month or so. It’s causing me a lot of stress, and making me feel like crap.

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:(

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:P

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okay, last one for today :)

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I have only listened to it 30 times today, I swear...

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Turning 20

Although my birthday is still a month away, I am no longer going to be a teenager. It makes me kind of sad to think about all of the things I didn’t do, and all of the people I lost/broke contact with. It is just crazy how much I have changed since freshman year of high school. I literally don’t even have stories from high school because I never did anything. I didn’t go to homecoming dances, I didn’t go to parties...I practically forced myself to go to prom just because pretty much my whole class was there, and why not? The reason is because i’m uncomfortable with myself. I feel invaluable around people, and so I do everything I can to avoid being around large groups of people.

Freshman year in high school I decided to try new things, so I went to events, and partied a little bit. I did very well in school, which motivated me to continue doing so ... eventually getting into nursing school (yay!). I got rid of toxic friends, and although it annoys me that I didn’t see how terrible they were until I got to college and had a good group of friends. There is no way I could have foreseen any of the things that have happened to me since becoming a teenager, but i’m glad I did. Now, I am closer to adulthood than I would ever liked to be, but I am quite excited to see what’s ahead of me. I have many aspirations, and can’t believe that I am partway there to completing them. I am doing well in quarantine, but really do hope we can eventually return to some form of normalcy. The semester ends in the upcoming week, and I know after a while I am going to get very bored of having nothing to do. I have thought multiple times about giving in and buying a switch, but I don’t know... I also wanted to pick up some new skills: roller skating, sewing, crotchet, learning how to do makeup, things like that. After reading and writing several essays (in science classes, which is really weird to me..), I realized how much I actually like to read. I also like listening to podcasts and different genres of music. I have literally listened to Alina Baraz’s album like 20 times in the past week...kind of scary, but it’s good shit. Anyway, i’m REALLY procrastinating, but because I hadn’t frequented my tumblr in a while, I thought I would be productive (oh the lies I tell myself) and write something here because at least i’m not playing BitLife on my phone. I have a serious problem when it comes to that game...I played for the entire day today even though I have an exam in 3 days that I have not started studying for. R.I.P

Okay bye

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So I’ve been too preoccupied, but I finally got into nursing school! Considering I have been in my house for over a week, I have nothing exciting to say here.

Stay safe everyone

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the mood of this song is exactly how I feel all of the time

I’ve listened to it like 100 times because apart from some of the lyrics, it’s how I can express the numbness the best

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Can someone please interact with me? Please.

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I have officially declared that people are mean and lack genuine compassion for one another. Why is it that people will see you and pretend you don’t exist, but will speak to you only when convenient. Or how about “friends” that exclude you from things. Do people not think about how the way they behave effects other people? Like wow, no I feel horrible about myself AND self conscious because you all hang out secretly (but not really because I know) and then when I see you, you act like it’s no big deal. I don’t care that you hang out with each other on your own time, but I just feel kind of weird that even though it’s a “friend” group, I’m the only one on the outside...every time.

I’ve started to just do things on my own so it doesn’t feel like a result of neglect, but instead a choice I’ve made for myself because I wanted to...at least that’s what I keep telling myself.

It just kind of sucks that whenever I’m really upset I have nobody to confide in. I can’t go to the counselor and stay the whole day while she listens to me groan about how empty and unwanted I feel.

I’m starting to think that maybe it’s the region of the country that I live in. This is an ongoing trend, and I don’t know if it’s because people think I’m annoying or because they just don’t realize that it hurts my feelings. I always feel like the last pick in gym class, but thank goodness I never have to take a gym class again. Anyway, yea, so that’s today’s rant...honestly probably just for this hour.

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Hmm...

At least I’m doing things other than school work