beauty is pain, and pain, and pain
more make up
perfect your laugh, perfect your smile
less clothes
lose the extra weight
just a little. just a bit more. just until you're finally..
i carved myself down like a bar of soap
smaller. smoother. easier to hold.
until what remained wasn't even me,
just the ghost of a girl worn thin by her own wanting
to be wanted
and they looked
of course they looked
and then they found someone prettier
and looked at her instead
beauty is a religion
and i was its most devoted follower
i bled for it willingly. i called it discipline. i called it almost there.
but beauty is not a destination
it's a debt that compounds
the more you pay, the more you owe
and you are so tired but oh you cannot stop
because stopping means being invisible again
and invisible was worse
so you start over
you always start over
on your knees. still bleeding. still devoted. still not enough.
just a girl who disappeared
trying to become the kind of pretty
that makes people stay
begging and begging and begging to be seen
and still. still. feeling like nothing.
because beauty is pain and pain is hunger and hunger is the price of being seen and being seen is never, never enough to fill the place inside you where you used to be
